"Mamma?" Rixon toddled into the room, one hand sleepily rubbing at his eyes.

"Hey, baby." I smile down at him as he scrambles onto the bed amongst the mess of clothes, pictures and other various items.

I shove another pile of neatly folded clothes into the backpack, trying to compact my entire life into that small bag.

"Where we goin?" he enquires, setting his large blue doe eyes on me.

This is why I'm doing it. He deserves a life. Smiling reassuringly at him, I run my fingers through his thick chestnut curls. "We're going on holiday tomorrow, honey. It's going to be lots of fun I promise."

His bright blue eyes widen with excitement while a toothy smile breaks across his face. "Daddy comin'?"

I bite my lip. How do you tell a three year old that his dad's not coming because you're running from him? I settle for a simple answer that I know he won't question – much. "Daddy has to work."

His bottom lip sticks out but he nods.

There's a knock on the door and I freeze, my blood running cold and my heart rate picking up. If it was him then that was the end. I'd spent the better part of six months planning for this day, gathering as much information as I could without becoming suspicious because that's all I would need, more observation. Stiffly I pick Rixon up, cradling him against me as I go to the door. Swallowing the nervous lump developing in my throat I compose myself and open the door.

I almost cry out in relief when instead of a mop of golden hair and blue eyes identical to Rixon's I find myself face to face with a beaming woman with light brown hair pulled up in a tight bun and gold-flecked green eyes. Dylan's one and only sister-in-law "Hey Max." She greets enthusiastically.

Loosening my grip on Rixon I smile at Sophie, "Hey."

"Hi hi!" Rixon waves enthusiastically giving his usual greeting.

Sophie gasps and plucks him from my grip, "How's my favourite nephew?" Sophie coos, rubbing her nose against his making him giggle.

"What are you doing here? I thought you and Zack were out of town?"

She shakes her head as she bounces Rixon up and down earning shrieks of laughter. "He had some…work to deal with." She says carefully sending a chill down my spine. "Anyway, I just stopped by to see my little man and tell you we're having a get together tomorrow night!"

I force myself to smile because she can't know I don't plan on being here tonight much less tomorrow.

"Ok, you're place?" I enquire conversationally going through the trials of acting like nothing had changed since the last time I'd seen her.

"Yep!" Right then her phone lets out a shrill ring and with a sigh she hands Rixon back to me. She doesn't even glance at the screen before she gives me an apologetic look. "I have to head. Sorry. I'll come by tomorrow morning and we can go shopping ok?"

I nod, clinging to my son so I don't throw my arms around her and squeeze her as tight as I can. Five years these people have been my family, Sophie was my best friend and I felt my stomach churn at the prospect of leaving them all and betraying them. But I had to do it, for me, for my son.

As soon as she's gone, I shut the door and take a deep breath as Rixon dashes into his room to play with his toys.

I return to packing and once I've stuffed four changes of clothes for each of us, a handful of Rix's baby pictures, toiletries and a few snacks for him to pick on if he got hungry. I can hear Rix playing with his cars in his room, his blue door with his name printed in bubbles that I'd painted when he was born slightly ajar.

Making sure he was staying there for the time being I clicked my door shut and slid under the bed, popping out the square I'd cut in the board. I unclipped a few of the springs, nicking my fingers a few times before I managed to grab hold of a corner of the manila folder I'd put there months ago, carefully adding what I could to it. I clipped the springs back in place and wedged the board where it was supposed to be. pushing the folder out I wiggled from under the bed, careful not to let anything drop when I pick it up. I push it in the bag as deep as it can go and zip it up.

Once my things are packed I knock on Rix's door to get his toys packed and ready. "Honey bear." I poke my head into his room to find him making car noises and running around the room with his trusty bearCocoatucked under his arm.

He doesn't notice me at first and nearly runs straight into my legs.

My hands shoot out to catch him before he does and his head snaps up. "Hi Mamma! I pwayin!" He announces, holding the little blue race car out for my inspection.

"I see." I hum, "Do you want to choose some toys to play with in the park?"

"We go to da pawk?" He gasps, jumping up and down in excitement.

I smile fondly and nod.

"Yay!" He squeals and dashes for the cupboard to pull out his green backpack. He runs around the room, picking up a handful of this and a handful of that to drop in the the seat of honour on top of the pile. He sticks his tongue out in concentration when he tries to force the zipper shut.

I laugh and help him close it then coax him into a pair of green and blue trainers that light up whenever he steps. I tie a jacket to his back like I would any other time we went out (I'd made a habit of packing in a certain way on a day to day basis so no one would question the items when the time came to leave) and pull a Thomas the Tank Engine cap over his thick curls.

He has to crane his neck to look up at me and even then I can only see a sliver of sparkling blue beneath the cap.

"Come on, monster, let's get going." He follows me into my bedroom which is now completely spotless, the usual slight rumple to the sheets and dirty clothes in the hamper. Nothing out of the ordinary. I hadn't even taken anything out of the drawers or cupboard that would be noted instantly. Things like my favourite jacket and a worn out once-black-now-grey shirt that I'd had since I was fourteen were still in their usual place. Of course I hated to have to leave them behind but I knew it was necessary.

Once my hoodie is pulled on with my backpack in one hand and Rix's hand in clasped in the other.

I lock the apartment behind me and casually make my way from the top floor to the lobby and out the revolving door. Rix greeted Paul – the doorman and one if Dylan's men – as usual and I chatted briefly with him before getting in a taxi, telling them central park because I knew Paul had specific instructions to keep tabs on where we went. Oh the joys of being the property and mother of the son of a gang leader. We reach central park in no time at all and Rix instantly starts tugging me along.

"How about we get some ice-cream?" I suggest following the plan I'd carefully constructed. We never left the apartment without an extra set of eyes watching us in case of danger. I knew I had to lose that extra pair of eyes.

The ice-cream truck is stationed directly in front of the police station just as it has been every single day for years. I get Rix his ice-cream with sprinkles and chocolate, hoping to keep him busy long enough that he didn't notice where we were going.

He is absolutely adorable when he's trying to walk and eat food at the same time. He sticks his tongue out but it never seems to reach the ice-cream like it moves away from him with each step.

The balloon vendor is just an apartment down from the station and I lead Rix over. I pay for a handful of shiny blue and green balloons (Rix's favourite colours) while Rix still concentrates on licking his ice-cream which is streaming down his hands. I'm careful to keep track on our appointed eyes – he doesn't stray very far and if you know what to look for he stands out like a sore thumb. Dark shades, black jeans, washed out I HeartNew Yorkshirt. Trying way too hard to blend in. I pretend to preoccupy myself with digging around for a wipe for Rixon while waiting for my distraction. Just as I pull out a wipe a young boy about six with a tangle of brown hair darts over, eyes wide at the rainbow of balloons.

I go down to his height, handing him the whole bunch.

He gapes at me in shock when I pull out a Thomas the Tank Engine cap from the bag, placing it on his head. Then while he's still trying to grasp my 'generosity' I pick Rix up and disappear into the alley running out onto the other street. I then duck into a clothing store and hide at the very back, pulling a few shirts of the rack and tugging Rix into the change room before he even realises we've moved.

"Mamma?" Rixon cocks his head to the side in question, his soggy ice-cream cone still gripped in his hand.

"Let's play dress up." I hold up a purple halter neck and wiggle it. "What do you think? Would mamma look nice?"

He wrinkles his nose and shakes his head, "Uh-uh."

We play our little 'game' for an hour until I'm sure there's no way that they could still be in the general vicinity. They've probably gone on to search a wider radius and maybe even call Dylan. I doubt it though, they won't involve him until they're absolutely certain we're gone. I'm hoping they'll assume we've been kidnapped it'll make it much easier. I take off Rix's cap and replace it with a red one, I then cover his backpack with a black slipcover and to the same with mine. I pack the jacket I'd been wearing, and untie Rix's jacket from the backpack.

I bring out the fiery red wig I'd stashed and pull that on along with a black beret.

When as much as can be changed right there has been we leave the store, ducking back down the alley to come up next to the station. Taking a deep breath and grasping Rix's hand we make out way inside, my backpack suddenly feeling like it weighs a ton.

This is it. there's no going back.

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