Portal of Panties

Summary: They melt, they get wet, they get ripped but more often than not, when Eric is around, they go *poof*. Just where do those poofed panties go? Sookie finds out...

A/N: This was spawned by a twitter convo with KJwrit. I should have fed my muse before going in there.

~v~

Lalalalala lalalalala lalalala la la la

I liked to sing while I put away the laundry, except singing isn't my forte, so I 'lala' a merry tune like Cinderella instead. The merry tune wasn't really helping at that point. Out of the ten pairs of panties I had worn since I last did a wash – only three survived. Four pairs had gotten ripped in the heat of the moment but the other three ... just disappeared. I was wearing them one minute, then Eric gave me that look and *poof* they were gone!

In the months that I had been seeing Eric, even though he insisted the Vampire marriage still stood whether I had informed consent or not, I'd 'lost' a lot of panties. It took a while for me to realise that sexy, expensive panties went exactly the same way as cheap Wal-Mart panties. So, now, cheap Wal-Mart panties were all I bought. Eric didn't seem to mind, like most men he was more interested in what was inside them.

Opening the drawer to put my underwear away and thinking about the things Eric did once my panties had been removed (by fair means or foul) was interesting. Just as I put one pair in, the ones I was wearing went *poof*. I sighed and shook my head but my attention was grabbed by something shimmering in the corner of the drawer.

Blinking, I pushed some bras and a couple of pairs of pantyhose to the side to get a better look. The entire back left corner of my drawer seemed translucent (thank you Work of the Day calendar). It was there but I could see right through it. Almost as if it was a thin skin rather than wood and paint. When I reached out to touch it, it felt cold against my fingertips and my mouth gaped as my hand passed through with a small cloud of sparkles.

I tried to pull my hand back, so I could just slam the drawer closed and maybe speak to Amelia about the experience, but found that whatever it was wouldn't let go. In fact, it seemed to be pulling me in further. I struggled, my fear making me sweat and my eyes stung with the tears that prickled behind my eyelids, but soon my entire arm was inside the shimmery, sparkly thing. It was then that recognition dawned on me; I had a portal in my underwear drawer. I didn't know what kind of portal or where it went, but the way I was being sucked into it headfirst – I was going to find out whether I wanted to or not.

My vision clouded as the rest of my body was pulled into the drawer, I felt lightheaded and very nauseous and every piece of exposed skin erupted in the worst case of pins and needles I've had the misfortune to feel. A sense of silliness gripped me; Sookie Stackhouse survives kidnap, rape and death threats but meets her end by being sucked into her panty holding receptacle. I snorted and let out a maniacal giggle before I lost consciousness.

When I came to, I thought my eyes had been damaged. The world around me was made up of white, cream, blue, pink. The colours were muted and patchwork. I rubbed my eyes and tried to clear the fog. I realised I was sitting on something warm and soft, despite the landscape being similar to a meadow. The 'ground' around me was a mixture of colours, much like the rest of the landscape, patches of white, black, red and pink.

My fingers brushed against the colours, they were soft like fabric, and very nice fabric at that. I plucked at a patch of black and picked it up, holding it in front of me with both hands. Satin, lace ... I was holding a pair of very nice panties. I used to have a pair just like them a few weeks ago. There was a 'pop' behind me and I turned to see a small creature, maybe three feet tall and almost as wide. I could tell from the fact it was naked that it was female.

What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be here.

The voice entered my head as easily as the unwanted thoughts of the drunkards at Merlottes. I concentrated, trying to hear the contents of the creature's mind.

It won't work on me, little girl, you could say that I speak my mind – literally.

"Who or what are you?" I tried to be polite but my disorientation was making it hard to stay focussed on what might, or might not be, polite in this instance.

You don't have to talk out loud. Actually I'd prefer if you didn't, this is a place of silence.

Remembering when I communicated with Barry in Rhodes, I directed my thoughts to her. Okay, I can do that. You didn't answer my question though.

I'm a Lingerixie.

Is that a type of pixie?

Yes, a pixie for lingerie.

I blinked at the Lingerixie. Have you been ... stealing my panties?

Certainly not! She looked offended. They come to me, all shapes and sizes. I can sense when that special moment comes and I call for them.

The Lingerixie frowned at me, her chubby hands on her over-ample hips. I licked my lips, wondering what to say next.

How did I get here? And how do I get home? Oh! And do you have a name?

Her eyes narrowed. You're not here to take my pets?

I watched as the pair of panties I was holding leapt free from my grasp and flew over to the Lingerixie, wrapping around her leg and ... were they nuzzling her?

Uh ... no. Although I could do with having some of mine back ... I'm running low.

No can do little girl. They want to be here with me, taking them away from Undie-world would be traumatic now they've found the peace they seek.

Okay, I guess I'll buy some new ones.

The Lingerixie smiled and nodded. Good, more pets for me. I'm Balconette.

I took the proffered hand and shook lightly. How de do. I'm Sookie Stackhouse.

Oh! Balconette's eyes widened. You've given me a lot of pets recently.

Yeah, I know. How do I get back to ... my world?

Balconette tapped her chin. No other species has ever entered the Undie-world; to be honest I'm not really sure how you get home.

I sighed and rubbed at my temples. Balconette seemed harmless, as did the millions of pairs of panties that made up her Undie-world. I couldn't stay here though, I had to get home.

Has a pair of panties ever escaped or, maybe, come here by mistake and you had to send them back until they were ready?

Talking about panties like they were soulful beings was making my brain itch, but in this place they seemed to be just that.

Now you mention it, a few years back there was a pair. The guy who ripped them off tried to use an incantation to send them here but the moment wasn't right. I had to send them back.

She beckoned me to follow her and I stood up, trying not to think I was hurting the panties by walking on them. Soon we came to a tree, or it looked like a tree anyway – with green silk and polyester leaves.

Touch the tree, Sookie.

I nodded and put my hand on the trunk, only it wasn't bark – it was a supersize chocolate brown girdle.

This being does not belong oh Lord of the Undie-world. Please return her to her rightful place.

The fabric of the trunk moved and wriggled until a face could clearly be seen. As if my day couldn't get any weirder, the face looked a lot like Eric's. The black cotton eyes surveyed me fully before resting on my pelvis.

She brings no gifts.

I ... uh ... I sent them ahead. I opened my drawer and they went *poof* and then the portal appeared.

This has never happened before. The eyes flicked toward Balconette. Our Undie-world has been breached, child, you have been careless.

The time was right, the panties called. I ... I...

I stepped in front of Balconette. It was an accident. I mean no harm. I just want to go back home.

Very well. I do not wish to see you here again.

You won't. I promise! Never again would I think about Eric while my panty drawer was open.

The brown fabric wrapped around my wrists and pulled me toward the trunk. A hole opened up in the material and I was yanked inside. I turned to see Balconette waving my favourite (or used to be) pair of pink bikini style panties at me and smiling. The cold gripped me once again, this time I welcomed it and drifted into sleep.

My eyes opened suddenly and I bolted upright. It was dark, but I was in my bedroom. The familiar surroundings comforted me and I got up to retrieve my dropped laundry from the floor. The panty drawer was still open, but there was no sign of the portal to the Undie-world.

But at least I knew that when my panties go *poof*, they're going to a better place.