Rachel's note: Yes, another one by Salad Shooter. Hey, I don't write big long stories like Salad Shooter does (even though this is not very long). I write song-fics and occasionally help Salad Shooter with the "big long stories".
Salad Shooter's note: No offense to Ani-fans, or Tubbylikers. I like both Animorphs and Teletubbies (okay, call me insane). This is not a "hate story". No, I don't hate Marco or Dipsy. No, I don't have a self-esteem problem!
Also, believe it or not, this is a prologue to my other Animorph stories. You'll see how at the end. It also drops a few hints about them ...
CAST:
Purple Tinky Winky – Jake
Blue Tinky Winky – Tobias
Dipsy – Marco
Laa-Laa – Rachel
Po – Cassie
Noo-noo – Ax
Narrator – Ellimist
Director – Salad Shooter
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Jake
: (flips a coin) Winner gets blue costume.
Tobias: Tails!
Jake: Oh crap. It's tails.
Salad Shooter: Teletubbies don't cuss.
Cassie: Don't worry, Jake. I've always thought you looked handsome in purple.
Marco: Oh puh-lease.
Jake: Thanks, Cassie. You're sweet.
Marco: Hey Ax, have you tried the tubby toast yet?
-Slurping is heard from the Noo-noo costume.-
Ax: Tastes like ... cinnamon ... bun-zuh! And the custard ... duh ... is like ... the extra frosting. Ing. Inguh. Ing-guh! Inginginginginginginging — "
Tobias: Am I supposed to be a hawk in this thing?
Rachel: No duh. Morph human.
Tobias: Have you talked to the director yet? About the, uh, stupid little dances?
Marco: Yeah. I told him that most of us would prefer not to do them. I said Rachel and I were the only ones who wanted to.
Rachel: (kicks Marco's butt) What did the director say?
Marco: (goes rolling across the ground) Well, there's one good thing about wearing this costume. When you do that it doesn't hurt.
Tobias: That's what the director said?
Rachel: (starts jumping up and down on Marco) Now this is what being a Teletubby is all about.
Marco: Hey! Well — ow — the director — said — he — would — not — have anyone — do the — stupid — dances.
Rachel: Hey! Director! Is jumping on people allowed?
Salad Shooter: (pretends to look it up) Jumping on another is not allowed — except on Dipsy. Rachel, would you like some help?
Rachel: I can handle him.
Salad Shooter: Well duh.
Jake: Please tell me none of us have to wear that stupid skirt.
Salad Shooter: None of you have to wear that stupid skirt. Except Dipsy.
Marco: What?
Salad Shooter: Kidding, Marco.
Rachel: Why is it that my costume is smaller than Marco's? That's just not right!
Cassie: Well, at least they got mine right. Jake? Tobias? Are you guys ready?
Tobias and Jake: Yeah.
Rachel: This is the first and only time I'll really hate to say this, but ... Let's do it!
Ellimist: ONE DAY IN TELETUBBYLAND ... WHY DO ALL THE EPISODES START THAT WAY?
Salad Shooter: For the same reason the Animorph books always start "My name is Whatever."
Marco: It is? Hi, Whatever. I'm Marco the Magnificent.
Salad Shooter: (kicks Marco's butt)
Ellimist: ONE DAY IN TELETUBBYLAND, THE TELETUBBIES WERE GOING FOR A WALK.
–Silence.-
Salad Shooter: (hissing) Guys!
Jake: Oh yeah. Uh ... going for a walk. Walk walk walk.
Rachel: Suddenly Laa-Laa jumped on Dipsy and kicked his butt.
Salad Shooter: Rachel! Not yet!
Rachel: You mean I actually get to kick Marco's butt?
Salad Shooter: Oh ... go on, Ellimist.
Ellimist: SUDDENLY —
Marco: It's always suddenly.
Rachel: (whacks Marco)
Ellimist: (sighs) SUDDENLY —
Visser Three: (suddenly leaping into view) What? The Andalite bandits? Here?
Jake: Uh-oh.
Cassie: (yelling at Salad Shooter) Let me see your script!
Salad Shooter: Whoa, Po. Calm down.
Cassie: (jumps on Salad Shooter and takes his script) Why does it suddenly stop after the Ellimist says "suddenly"?
Salad Shooter: Because that's when Visser Three's supposed to arrive.
Cassie: (accusingly) You told Visser Three to come here!
Salad Shooter: (defensively) I had to incorporate him into the story somehow. And there are no bad guys in Teletubbies. So —
Jake: I personally was looking forward to a story without Visser Three.
Salad Shooter: (defensively again) Visser Three is cool.
Marco: You are insane.
Salad Shooter: Look who's talking.
Marco: You are as insane as her. (points at Rachel, who is beating up Visser Three)
Salad Shooter: Hey! Let me help!
Tobias: You said he was cool.
Salad Shooter: That doesn't mean I can't beat him up.
Marco: Remember when I said you were insane? Let me multiply that by, oh, a million.
Salad Shooter: Real funny, Marco — I mean Dipsy. (tries to ride Visser Three like a horse, but falls off)
Rachel: (tries to jump on Visser Three, misses, and lands on Salad Shooter)
Salad Shooter: Mmmph unh mmmph. Rrrff nhff.
Marco: Intelligent conversation.
Rachel: (getting off Salad Shooter) Oh. Sorry, Salad.
Salad Shooter: I am not a salad. I shoot them.
Jake: You'll be one soon. We have problems.
Visser Three: (whips his tail blade around, trying to remove Tobias's head, but discovers the Tinky Winky costume is too big to decapitate) Arrrghhh!
Rachel: (kicks Visser Three)
Salad Shooter: Hey, that's not nice.
Rachel: You were trying to help before.
Ax: Cinnamon bun-zuh — what?
Visser Three: (tries to slice Ax in half, but his tail blade won't penetrate the Noo-noo costume)
Ax: (whacks Visser Three with his vacuum nozzle thingy) Having fun, Visser?
Visser Three: You Andalites will pay!
Salad Shooter and Marco: We don't have any money.
Visser Three: I don't know where you acquired your new morphs, and I don't especially care. I just want you to know that you look really ... really ... stupid.
Salad Shooter: Hey! Teletubbies are cool!
Marco: Don't be dissin' Laa-Laa!
Rachel: You two are nuts nuts nuts. Wacko.
Marco: You know we're the cutest — whatevers — you've ever seen, Visser.
Visser Three: You'll be even cuter when you have no heads.
Salad Shooter: (tries to beat up Visser Three)
Rachel: (runs to help her)
Marco: You jealous, Visser?
Visser Three: Of what? Your new morphs?
Marco: Of the fact that we are cuter than you are.
Rachel: Except for Dipsy.
Marco: Hey!
Jake: I feel like a dork.
Ax: Again, I have to ask: What is a dork, Prince Jake?
Jake: Don't call me prince.
Ax: Yes, Prince Jake.
Marco: (points at Visser Three) He is a dork.
Salad Shooter: (still beating up Visser Three with Rachel) He is not!
Ax: Ah. I see. (goes into Tubbytronic Superdome, muttering to himself about humans and Marco and crazy Hork-Bajir)
Rachel: (momentarily incapacitates Visser Three by trying to ride him like a horse)
Visser Three: (is nearly flattened by the large yellow Teletubby on his back) Get off!
Rachel: Help me, Tobias!
Tobias: (further incapacitates Visser Three)
Jake: What are we doing?
Salad Shooter: It's going the way I planned.
Cassie: Then that's the last time YOU'RE the director.
Tobias: You can say that again.
Cassie: Then that's the last time YOU'RE the director.
Jake: He didn't mean literally.
Cassie: What, I can't make a joke?
Marco: I am the only one allowed to be humorous.
Salad Shooter: (jumping on Visser Three) Too bad.
Tobias: Marco, we could use some help.
Marco: (uses Visser Three for a chair) HONK
Visser Three: GET OFF YOU IDIOT!
Rachel: Marco may be an idiot —
Marco: Hey!
Rachel: — but he is not getting off.
Visser Three: (tries to get at Salad Shooter with his tail)
Salad Shooter: Stop it or I'll quit sticking up for you.
Jake: You really think that is going to stop him?
Salad Shooter: Well ...
Jake: You are nuts.
Salad Shooter: Well, I'm just glad none of you are going to morph to squirrel.
Marco: (groans) That is so not funny.
Salad Shooter: I have heard worse from you.
Rachel: Yeah.
Ellimist: YOUR HALF HOUR IS ALMOST UP.
Salad Shooter: What half hour?
Ellimist: THE SHOW ONLY LASTS A HALF HOUR.
Salad Shooter: It used to. But now I am the director. And I say it lasts forever.
Marco: WHAT?!
Salad Shooter: It used to. But now —
Marco: Salad Shooter!
Salad Shooter: Shut up Dipsy and help me.
Marco: I am helping. I have not gotten up. That is helping.
-A whirring sound is heard. Erek the Chee appears.-
Salad Shooter: (to Erek) Didn't I tell you to shut that thing off?
Erek: I couldn't find the switch. I was just going to tell you that.
-Music starts playing.-
Salad Shooter: I hate this part. Stupid windmill.
Marco: Yay. We get to watch TV.
Tobias: Jake? Uh, I mean, Tinky Winky, which of us goes?
Jake: Me.
Tobias: Okay. Me and Salad Shooter will hold off Visser Three.
Salad Shooter: Since when?
Rachel, Jake, Marco, and Cassie: (leave for the windmill thing)
Visser Three: (finally getting up) Hah. Only two of you. One of those — weird things — and a Hork-Bajir.
Salad Shooter: Not just any Hork-Bajir. The Hork-Bajir.
Visser Three: What are you talking about?
Salad Shooter: You'll see.
Visser Three: Aren't you going to fight me?
Tobias: Yes.
Salad Shooter: No.
Tobias: YES.
Salad Shooter: NO.
Tobias: YES!
Salad Shooter: NO!
Tobias: What's Ax doing?
Salad Shooter: We'd better go check before he gets indigestion.
Tobias: How can a living vacuum cleaner get indigestion.
Salad Shooter: Noo-noo did, once. He sneezed it out in a fluffy pink cloud.
Tobias: (sarcastically) Cute. Now remind me why you like this show.
Salad Shooter: It's fun.
Tobias: It's weird.
Salad Shooter: You eat weird for breakfast now.
Tobias: Change that to "Weird eats us for breakfast." And he's about to do it now.
Salad Shooter: Uh-oh.
Tobias: (making a break for the Tubbytronic Superdome) Run!
Salad Shooter: (following him) Duh!
Salad Shooter: (gets ahead of Tobias)
Tobias: Stupid suit.
Salad Shooter: I take that offensively.
Tobias and Salad Shooter: (wait for Superdome door to open, then run inside)
-Door closes, leaving Visser Three outside.-
Visser Three: (banging on door) Hey! You can't leave me out here!
Salad Shooter and Tobias: We can't?
Visser Three: That's not funny!
Salad Shooter: I take that offensively.
Tobias: You already said that.
Salad Shooter: Yes, I did.
Ax: Hello Tobias. Would you like some tubby toast?
Tobias: Well ...
Salad Shooter: I could use a snack.
Salad Shooter: (goes over to punch the toast machine button)
tubby toast machine: ding ding Ding DING DING! Errnnhh! WhooOOoooopp! Errnnhh! WhooOOOOoop!
-Two pieces of tubby toast land on Tinky Winky's plate.-
Salad Shooter: Tobias? Want some?
Tobias: Why not.
Ax: I want some.
Salad Shooter: Duh duh duh, duh duh duh, duh —
Tobias: No singing at the table.
Salad Shooter: Since when is that a rule?
Tobias: Since right now.
Ax: (operates tubby toast machine)
toast machine: (makes various noises similar to above onomatopoeias)
Salad Shooter: I wonder if I spelled that right.
Tobias: Spelled what?
Salad Shooter: Onomatopoeias.
Tobias: Oookay. Never mind.
Visser Three: I want some!
Tobias: He wants some onomatopoeias?
Salad Shooter: Don't make me type that word again.
Visser Three: No, you idiots, some toast.
Tobias: You can't have any!
Salad Shooter: Specially not as Andalite. Morph human.
Tobias: Why'd you tell him to do that?!
Salad Shooter: It's not like he wouldn't have figured it out anyway. Wait, he probably wouldn't have.
Visser Three: I take that offensively!
Salad Shooter: That's my line!
Visser Three: I know.
Salad Shooter: You are a pain in both tail blades.
Tobias: So why do you keep sticking up for him?
Salad Shooter: I'm still trying to figure that out.
Tobias: You're helpful.
Salad Shooter: That's my line.
Tobias: I haven't heard you say it yet.
Salad Shooter: So what? It's still my line!
Visser Three: (comes sliding down Superdome slide, in human morph)
Salad Shooter: That is so stupid-looking. I mean, even for a morphing outfit, it's stupid looking.
Visser Three: I take that —
Salad Shooter: (calmly) Say "offensively" and I don't care if you're my favorite character, I'll kick your —
Jake, Marco, Rachel, and Cassie: (come sliding down the Superdome slide, in that order) Eh-oh!
Salad Shooter: Hi guys.
Tobias: Uh, eh-oh. Why do they say eh-oh?
Salad Shooter: It's more fun than hello.
Marco: Then why don't they just say "hey"?
Salad Shooter: Because hay is for horses.
Ax: I am not a horse, although in some aspects I closely resemble one, but not at the moment.
Visser Three: What is going on here?
Rachel: People are finally talking on your level, Visser.
Salad Shooter: Hey!
Rachel: Are you offended because we're dissing the visser or Teletubbies?
Salad Shooter: Well ... would you believe me if I said both?
Rachel: Uh ... yeah.
Marco: Duh.
Salad Shooter: (singing) Duh duh, duh duh, duh —
Marco: Is that the Pink Panther theme song?
Salad Shooter: Yeah. I mean, I think so. Yeah, it is. I think.
Marco: That's —
Salad Shooter: (warningly) Don't say "helpful", Dipsy. Just ... don't.
Ellimist: TIME FOR TUBBY BYE-BYE. TIME FOR TUBBY BYE-BYE.
Salad Shooter: Nooooooooooooooo!
Visser Three: (to Salad Shooter) Can I go home now?
Salad Shooter: No!
Visser Three: (takes Salad Shooter's tubby toast and throws it at him, then demorphs and escapes with all of Ax's leftover tubby toast)
Ax: Beep beep. Sluuuuurrrrppyyyyyy.
Salad Shooter: Oh well, Ax was full anyway.
Ax: More. More.
Tobias: Shut. Up.
Jake: Yes! We can go home and not have our lives ruled by Salad Shooter!
Salad Shooter: Well ... actually, since K.A. Applegate is not writing your books anymore — guess who's taking over?
Cassie: (looking up at the ceiling) Please don't let it be him. Please don't let it be him.
Salad Shooter: It's me.
Jake, Tobias, Marco, Rachel, Cassie, Ax, the Ellimist, Erek, and Visser Three: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOO!