summary: Elena knows it isn't okay to love both of them, just because Katherine did. "It's like Stefan and Damon have switched places in her mind and she can only hope they don't do the same in her heart."

title: "Please can you tell me, so I can finally see, where you go when you're gone." ~All You Wanted, by Michelle Branch

note: How freaking amazing have these past couple episodes been? Season 3 is shaping up to be the best yet. I honestly have hope for Delena – with the amount of time she spends staring at his lips, it'll have to happen sometime. Anyway, I wanted to write this because I think Elena's in more turmoil now than ever with her Salvatore Bro dilemma (plus I haven't posted anything in forever what with my play & crazy real life stuff), so here's my eensy weensy take on it.

BTW if anyone ever wants to process an episode with me, send me a PM or review or whatever – I love to discuss every little facet of it. Just putting that out there :D

While Damon is gently cleaning her cuts with that beautifully soft look in his cerulean eyes, all she can think is, When did Damon become the knight in shining armor?

And it's not like that's his scripted role. He still kills. The blood of Caroline's father all over his chin is a memory she won't soon forget. The intensity in his eyes when he told her he was a vampire, a monster, and nothing could change that. He doesn't belong in the chain mail and the clanking helmet. Honestly that is all Stefan's territory.

Was.

She remembers, so very foggily, the night Damon picked her up from an overturned car and held her like she was something precious. That memory hadn't presented itself until after she died – the funny thing about dying is that when she comes back to life she has these razor-sharp memories and these vague ones that used to be buried too deep to remember. And then there's something long forgotten, something that niggles at the edge of her consciousness and begs for her attention. But that one is like trying to remember a dream – the more time she spends struggling, the more she forgets. Only sometimes when she's almost asleep it floats back to her like some kind of past life (her bedroom and the moon and someone's tears) but she never retains enough to know what it is.

But Damon's beautiful moments – she thinks those have all returned to her. Scooping her off her feet like she was a damsel in distress. Dancing with her at the '60s Dance with his leather pants and his comforting words. Standing on the Lockwood front porch when he told her she hurt him. Kneeling next to a dying Rose as she sweated and moaned, eyes intent on her face and hands undoubtedly so warm and dry on her feverish skin.

Elena sometimes forgets that Damon is supposed to be the bad guy.

Stefan is upstairs somewhere, probably sucking down a girl and having a grand old time. She sits on the couch with Damon next to her and discusses ghosts and attacks and Katherine's plans. Jeremy and Bonnie stand at opposite ends of the room, Jeremy looking to the side every once and awhile (probably to consult Anna) and Bonnie with her arms crossed and her eyes trained determinedly on the fire. Caroline holds Tyler's hand, the latter with a fogged look on his face, like he's completely out of it. Alaric stands behind the scotch, sipping slowly as he bites his lips hard enough to draw blood (not the greatest plan when half the people in the room are vampires or some form of them). Katherine sails in like she owns the house, like everything is completely fine, like she hasn't just been feasted on by a vampire-hungry half-dead guy.

Elena wonders when Stefan left the group of worriers. She wonders when Damon became the leader of it all, relentlessly looking for a way out of this mess they've found themselves in. It's like Stefan and Damon have switched places in her mind and she can only hope they don't do the same in her heart.

She loves Stefan. It will always be Stefan. He is her knight in shining armor, her Romeo, her one true love.

Strangely, she's having a hard time remembering his tender moments now that he is so careless.

Damon is the bad brother. She kissed Damon because she wanted to give him something to die with (or some such wishful thinking). She could never love Damon, because then she would be Katherine and she will never ever ever be Katherine.

These days, all she can ever think about is how sweet Damon is. How he understands what she's thinking without a single word from her. How she can sometimes see him, out of the corner of her eye, just latching his eyes onto her because he can't hold her.

She's officially become the kind of girl who can't stop thinking about a boy.

Not a boy – a vampire, to make it all worse. She's Bella Swan. Only her Edward has gone evil and suddenly there's a new vampire on the scene? She can't quite figure out her analogies and decides her life is just too much ridiculousness to ever be compared to something else, even Twilight.

"Elena, if Michael escapes again," Bonnie is saying, looking at her with urgency, "I think I can do something about it."

Before she can respond, Stefan sails by, waving at the group with a kind of amused detachment. "Hello there, Team Badass," he says. "What mystery will you be solving today? May I recommend Mary Kate and Ashley to help with any detective work you need doing?"

With that, he's out the front door, leaving only the sickly smell of blood mixed with a woman's expensive perfume left behind.

And then suddenly Damon's hand is curled around hers and she's not sure if it's for her benefit or his own, because he's gone sort of gray and he looks like he may break.

So she squeezes to remind him she's still there and he squeezes back.

She can practically feel the galloping white steed enter stage right.