Title: Aphrodisiac is not a Jewish word

Summary: Robbie wears a new cologne. He doesn't smell good. He does, however, attract cats. Short, drabbley, fluffy, dialogue-y, silly as all heck oneshot. No non-canon pairings.

Disclaimer: Danwarp owns Victorious, and I own all the totally obvious ripoffs of all the things I ripped off. I'm kidding.

A/N: You know how I usually tell you what inspired what I write? I literally can't even do that for this fic. I don't even know how this happened.

You know how I said no non-canon pairings? I lied a little. There's a bit of Cabbie at the end.

(and I know that's like a little bit like saying "I'm a vegan but sometimes I eat yogurt" but I… I don't even know where I'm going with this metaphor. Just keep reading.)

It was an average Wednesday afternoon at Hollywood Arts when Robbie confidently strolled up to Tori and Andre, who were chatting at her locker.

"What up, broseph, and brosephina?" he said with a smile on his face.

"Hi, Robbie." Tori said, smiling back until she noticed the, uh, "unusual" odor in the air. She and Andre exchanged confused looks with wrinkled noses.

"Uhh, Robbie…" Andre started.

"Did you notice something different about the way I smell?" He said, wafting the air towards them. They simultaneously took a step back.

"Yeah… uh… what is that?" Tori asked.

"It's my new cologne!" Robbie responded proudly.

"It kinda smells like, uhh…"

"Oh God, what died?" Jade exaggerated a gag as she and Beck approached them and closed their circle of friends.

"…Kinda like that." Andre agreed, motioning towards Jade.

"It's my new cologne." he repeated, "My mamaw bought it for me for my birthday last weekend."

"Mm, how nice." Tori muttered while the rest gave him bored stares.

"…But then she and my mom did some schmaltzy rendition of that song, 'Moonrise, Moonset' from that musical, 'Pianist on the Roof,' and then they started crying…"

Jade rolled her eyes.

"Aww, Robbie's a man." Tori laughed, and pinched his cheek.

"I am now one-hundred-percent man. Actually, I think now I'm up one-hundred-twenty-eight." Robbie put his hands behind his head and leaned against the lockers.

"…Let's not get carried away." Andre raised an eyebrow.

Jade started, "You know, usually, you smell like a baby, but now you smell like…"

"Like a mix of one of those My Little Horseys and a Strawberry Cheesecake doll." Beck finished her sentence.

So they all went around the circle taking their turns with humorous metaphors.

"Like you spent the weekend with a muppet in a gas station bathroom." Andre said.

"Like Fabio going through menopause." Tori laughed.

"Like you had sex with all the Backstreet Boys, starting with AJ and continuing on in alphabetical order." Jade deadpanned.

"AJ…Brian…Howie…Nick." Robbie thought out loud, then raised an eyebrow and nodded.

(They weren't surprised that Robbie knew all the names to the Backstreet Boys. In fact, he has a poster in his room.)

"Wait, how do you know the Backstreet Boys?" Tori asked Jade.

"Oh, don't try to embarrass me, Vega, I was a child once." Jade replied and then threateningly pointed a finger at all of them, "But just for the record, AJ's the only one I know because he's the only one with tattoos."

"Robbie, you smell like a Nazi Death Camp for skunks." Andre continued.

"Decomposing skunks." Tori added, but then frowned, "Too far?"

"Not far enough." Jade rolled her eyes again.

"You don't smell good." Beck finally cuts to the chase, patting his friend on his shoulder. (and then wiping his hand on his jean jacket.)

Robbie remained unfazed, "You guys aren't getting to me today. The bottle said that this stuff has pheromones, which are supposed to attract girls. It probably just doesn't work on all of you." He shrugged.

And then Cat came bouncing around the corner, "Hi everyone!" she said in her usual enthusiastic fashion.

She then paused next to Robbie and proceeded closer to him, "Ooh, Robbie!" she said his name in that way that always seems to make him wilt like a flower, "You smell so good!" Her smile was beaming.

"Thanks, Cat." he said matter-of-factly, "It's my new cologne. It's an aphrodisiac." He enunciates all the syllables of the last word.

Cat didn't skip a beat, "You have an afro!" she said, giving him a quick pat on the head before bounding away again.

Robbie looked at all of his friends with a smug look on his face, not saying a word, and the four of them each shook their heads and walked off in opposite directions with identical confused expressions.

Oh, "Moonrise, Moonset" from "Pianist on the Roof"= "Sunrise, Sunset" from "Fiddler on the Roof."

I don't even know if Moonrise is an actual thing. And yes, I used "pianist" because it sounds like penis.

My Little Horsey=My Little Pony

Strawberry Cheesecake=Strawberry Shortcake

I had so much fun writing this you don't even know.

Please review if you favourite, tell me that you love me, tell me that I take your breath away~~