Disclaimer: I won't insult your intelligence, you know the score.

Rating: PG

Warnings: Mild use of foul Language.

Notes: Another character thing, I want to work on Heero and Wufei being less than a machine and The CHINESE One. I know I have an unfortunate habit of just making Wufei all angry and/or sage and wise. As with the previous stories, A Subtle Way of "Doing Him" and A Simple Tale of "Doing Him", this is set comfortably after the Mariemaia wars. I know I mention some modern day things, but I figure some things never go out of style.

Synopsis: Wufei knows it's not that simple.

Category: Mild shounen-ai (boy's love) at the most. A little bit of het flirting. Vague humour. Some angst. A little well-meant fandom bashing.

Definitions:

Do Him/Her. Emphasis on "do". Doooo hi'm/h'er

The encouragement of obeying apparent sexual desire. To skip over senseless/over elaborate romantic gestures/setting and head straight into HAWT sexual relations. Often used by yaoi/yuri fangirls, annoyed by elaborate angst riddled plots, when the obvious answer to all characters' problems would be a good session engaged in sexual activity. 1. Just DO him. 2. Will you get over yourself, and DO her! 3. You should tie him up and DO him!

A Serious Tale of "Doing" Something

By Doctor Megalomania

It was weird seeing the freeloader just being still.

Wufei dropped his bag by the door wearily and toed off his shoes. He watched Maxwell for a few moments before he edged around the room cautiously. Duo was lying on the sofa, eyes staring at the ceiling. In the five years since the wars, the four other former pilots had discovered that Duo had a tendency to sleep with his eyes open. It was horribly unnerving and the only one of them that didn't seem to mind it was Heero. Wufei cricked his neck and started toward the kitchen. He poked his head into the fridge. He lifted a salad packet and sighed despondently. "Bastard ate my satay again." He straightened and closed the fridge.

"Du-Fuc-!" Wufei pursed his lips together and stared at the ceiling for a long moment before lowering his eyes. It took all his iron will and strength not to jump when he turned to find Duo behind him.

"Sooooooo..." Duo smiled brightly. "I've been thinking."

"Really? Don't care." Wufei instantly replied. When he tried to step around the other, Duo moved into his way. Duo's damning sweet smile continued. They danced around the kitchen for a long moment; every move Wufei made was easily countered by Duo. "Get the fuck out of the way, Maxwell." Wufei shook his hands at the other tiredly. "I don't care, just- Just get out of the way."

"I will, I will. I just. Well, I've just been thinking."

Wufei glared at Duo, and he knew by the other's piercing violet eyes that this was not something that he was going to get past without some kind of fight. Wufei flopped into a chair by the fridge and glared as Duo grabbed the opposite chair and straddled it. "Okay, let's get this done with. I've got reports to go over before I head home."

Duo's smile briefly brightened, "So I've been thinking—"

"Yes, I know." Wufei said impatiently. "I know, you've been thinking about me."

"But—"

"And you've been thinking I should tie someone up and just do them."

"Well—"

Wufei rolled his eyes and held a hand. "And I know, I know that I'm supposed to do the whole –" he held up his hands and looked pleadingly at the other "– But it's not that simple, Duo! And you do your whole Rain Man thing and magically get me to admit that actually it is that simple."

"You could say—"

"But damnit, it really isn't that simple." Wufei pounded the table. "She's not Gundam and she doesn't understand me and I'm complicated and she's my partner and no, you can't just talk me into revealing my secret problem!"

"Dude! But..." Duo smiled damningly. "What if I could?"

Wufei drew a deep breath and then paused. He stared intently at Duo and then let his breath go slowly. "Oh. No. Oh no. No. I see what you were doing there." He pointed a finger accusingly at Duo, "It's just not going to work on me, Maxwell." He folded his arms, his legs and turned his head away from the grinning idiot. Duo rocked forward on his chair as Wufei gruffly sighed. "I'm not going to let you just talk me over. You don't know me. You don't know anything."

"But you know, if you just—"

"Whose boots are... ?" The front door slammed and Heero shouted out, "What's this bag... What the hell—DUO, WUFEI? What are you doing in my apartment!"

"Oh Heero!" Duo grinned and swung out of his chair, "We're visiting you! I brought beer, Wufei brought all his angst!" He headed out the kitchen, jerking a thumb over his shoulder, "He's totally just about to make dinner!"

Used now to Duo's uncanny ability to magically assign chores to people, Wufei dragged himself up and rolled his eyes. "Whatever, Maxwell." He opened the fridge and started to pull out the ingredients he needed. He could hear the pair of former pilots talking.

Duo's voice was loud and annoying: "He was also just telling me about the thing."

"Thing? What thing? Why was he—what?" Heero stumbled over his questions before asking almost plaintively, "Why are you always in my apartment before me?"

"Oh, Heero, friends are supposed to visit friends. You know, we're partners. We're supposed to hang out and chat and stuff."

"This is my apartment! I'm supposed to come visit you at your apartment!"

"Yeah, and how frequently have you done that, mister?"

Wufei rolled his eyes and turned to empty his arms onto the counter. "Goddamnit!" Once again, it took a lot of control not to drop everything. Trowa folded his arms and smirked.

"You're usually a lot more aware of your surroundings, Chang."

"Shut up, Barton." Wufei growled, "I'm not even remotely interested."

The smirk on Trowa's face grew. Ever since he'd arranged his date with Quatre, the former Heavyarms pilot had been insufferably smug. Wufei rolled his eyes and started preparing the vegetables. Trowa moved around the kitchen and started making coffee. "So, what's the problem?"

"I'm. Not. even." Wufei shook his head. "No. Shut up. I'm not even going to talk about it."

"Ahh." Trowa nodded as he passed a steaming mug toward Wufei. Placing two other cups of coffee on the breakfast table, he chuckled softly. "Now we come to it." He sat down, sipping contently at his own coffee. "The tables turn, and now we are talking about your thing." He pulled a mocking face. "We get to talk all about Chang Wufei's OTP."

"I looked that up, you know. I looked OTP up." Heero walked into the room and paused in the door way, he stared at Trowa intently. "Why were we talking about your bank last time?"

Trowa stared back at Heero in confusion as Duo sailed passed them both, carrying an armful of dirty dishes toward the sink. "Greatest hacker in the world, can't google for shit." He looked over his shoulder slyly at Heero, "A bank?"

"Hey, I looked it up." Heero folded his arms. "It's a bank in Hungary."

Duo laughed gustily as Trowa began to chuckle. Wufei shook his head and glanced over his shoulder to look at Heero balefully. "You'd think with all the freaking time you spend with him..." He cocked a skunk eye at Duo, "And really this means you really need to stop hanging out with me." He looked at Heero again. "It means One True Pairing, Yuy." Wufei tossed the vegetables into a wok and started on the chicken. Heero's intense blue eyes flickered upward for a moment before the former Gundam Wing Pilot pulled a slight disgusted face.

"That was the third result down." He sighed sharply before sitting down at the breakfast table. "I'd hoped we were talking about banks."

"Me too." Trowa admitted as he pushed over a cup of coffee. "But with Duo around, we can never be talking about banks."

"Hey, I'm not the one always bringing my thing around to Heero's and sighing about it in the lazyboy!"

"One freaking time!" Trowa protested, "And I'm over my thing."

"Oh yeah, Trowa," Duo grinned, his voice dirty. "I bet you're all over your thing."

"Oh shut your face." Trowa reddened, "besides we're not talking about my thing anymore. It's Wufei's Thing now."

Wufei spun at this and glared at Trowa. He tried hard for a long time to be angry, but it melted at Heero's look of utter confusion. The former Wing Pilot held up a hand, "Is this thing something people hold?"

There was a moment of silence before Trowa cracked up again and Duo sank to his knees on the floor, his hands soapy and shoulders shaking hard as he laughed. Heero glared at Wufei. "What is this thing you have?"

"There is no 'thing'!" Wufei threw up his hands, and turned back to the meal. "I have no 'thing', it's nothing. We're not even talking about it."

"Well." Duo rose from the floor and resumed washing up, "The thing we're not talking about is Wufei's thing. It's why he's such a grumpy pants today."

"Oh fuck you, all you do is lounge about and eat my fucking satay." Wufei flicked a peel at him, "I was looking forward to that satay, all I want in life is my freaking left over Chinese and you ate it, you rat bastard."

"Way to change the subject. That was so poor." Duo deftly caught the peel and put it aside. He turned back to the washing up and the boys lapsed into silence. With the meal cooking now, there was little Wufei had left to do and he cursed himself for being unable to turn and face his friends. He glanced over toward Duo; the long haired boy was happily washing up. In the reflection of the window, Duo was serene. Wufei felt his mouth begin to open, as if the words were just bubbling up. As if reading his mind, Duo's eyes flicked up and they stared at each other via the reflection for a long moment. It was hard, having a friend who was so very determined.

"You know." Trowa began talking behind him, Wufei looked over his shoulder. Trowa was lent back in the chair, his eyes turned up and staring at the ceiling contemplatively. "When you give up, talking to him becomes easier. He just looks at you, and there'll come a moment where it just clicks and you know he knows and then suddenly it all just pours the hell out of you."

Heero looked from Wufei to Duo to Trowa and then pointed at Wufei. "This thing... We're talking about it... like your..." Heero wagged his finger slowly, "Like your thing for Quatre." Trowa just smiled and started to chuckle softly.

"Yes, Heero." Trowa said kindly, "Yes we are."

"I hate you guys so much." Wufei groused softly and walked out of the kitchen. The afternoon light had since faded and he stumbled over toward the nearest chair. Light poured from the kitchen, but Wufei felt like sitting there in the dark. He sighed and sank down in the comfortable chair. He could hear the others moving around the kitchen and appreciated the fact that they were leaving him to be for a bit. He was beginning to get a headache and regretted dropping by Yuy's as was tradition after work. Closing his eyes, Wufei sighed once more.

It was the sound of Duo grunting that made him open his eyes again. Now the lights were on, and something hideously multicoloured was playing on the television. Wufei stared at the ceiling for a long moment before realising he was horizontal. He tilted his head toward the sofa. Sitting on the floor, Duo was staring fixedly at the television, twisting a game controller in his hand desperately. Sitting on the sofa behind him, Heero was manipulating his own controller. Trowa watched with a faint smile for a while before glancing over to check on Wufei. He nodded to Wufei.

"I'm in the fucking lazy boy, aren't I?"

"Yeah." Trowa nodded. "You've been sighing in your sleep, if that helps." He got up and picked up a glass of water and a pair of white pills. "For your head."

Wufei sat up and moved the chair into an upright position. On the screen, a bare-chested mountain of a man threw wild punches at a small girl who pranced out of the way. He accepted the pills and tossed them back, gulping down the water. Thanks. He curled up in the lazy boy and sighed again. He pinched the bridge of his nose and held his breath. He released the breath slowly and looked at the plates on the table. He glanced at Trowa tiredly. "Mine in the oven?"

"Yeah." Trowa rose from his seat again. He touched Wufei's shoulder. "I'll get it."

The game paused suddenly and Heero stood. He put his controller down with care and walked toward the bathroom. Duo rolled on to his stomach and called after him, "What the hell, man?"

Heero barely turned his head as he spoke, "I need to pee."

"I was totally thrashing you, dude." Duo rolled back up and stretched out his legs. He leant back against the sofa and let his head roll back against the sofa's edge. A long quiet moment passed before Duo spoke again, this time quietly. "Long day?"

Wufei looked at him. The former pilot's eyes were fixed firmly on the frozen game, his thumbs ghosting over the controls as if practicing moves. His expression was slack, almost as if he'd fallen asleep again. Wufei nodded, replying softly. "Something like that."

"I get long days too." Duo's gaze floated upward, looking into dim light above them. "Days when I can still feel her hair on my hands. I musta knelt there for hours. I remember the rain on my face. I remember the darkness that followed and how I hated it." Wufei stared at him as Duo rolled his head to meet his gaze. The long haired man smiled faintly. "All I have to smell is a candle burning and my long days are back."

Wufei felt his eyes sting and he closed his eyes tightly. When he opened them again, he was grateful that Duo was staring at the ceiling again. "Flowers." He finally admitted. "That new receptionist, she put red flowers on her desk. It just... I got to thinking about..." He looked up, swallowed hard. "It's been ten years now, maybe more. I see these red flowers and then it's all there again. She's de—in my arms, going, leaving me. And I'm a mess again." He swallowed hard on the words, and forced the rest out. His broken voice was barely a whisper. "And my clan. They just left, everyone I have ever known, people I'd only seen in passing. Everyone I was fighting for. They did it for me? For Justice?" He looked at Duo, his voice earnest. "And I'm angry again."

His eyes stung as if smoke had gotten into them. His mouth twisted. Duo was carefully not looking at him and Wufei could not begin to thank the man for it.

"Talking about it helps." Duo said, speaking in a faint voice.

"Really." Wufei sat back, dragging himself under control. "And who do you talk to?"

"I still talk to Deathscythe." Duo smiled warmly. "He was my partner during the war. Buddy's still there in my heart. I sometimes talk to Heero, he's my partner now." He glanced at Wufei. "Or us. We can talk." His eyes narrowed thoughtfully, "But we're not what you need, are we?" He looked deeply at Wufei and Wufei suddenly felt it. He sat uncomfortably as he watched Duo pull out his mobile phone. As Duo began typing away on it, Wufei thought about the strange feeling he had. It was... It was...

Duo's pale face was lit by the small device and Wufei could see a frown flit over his brows briefly.

That thing Trowa had said. Duo's violet eyes met his evenly, his frown gone and his mobile phone swiftly being pocketed again. Wufei suddenly knew Duo knew him. "You act so stupid and yet...How ... how do you know these things?"

"Just know, I suppose." Duo reached up and scratched the side of his nose. The toilet flushed and Heero came back. The former Wing pilot sat back down, easily stepping around Duo. He picked up his controller and they resumed their game. Trowa returned as well, handing a tray with a plate of food to Wufei. The tall former pilot curled onto the sofa again, and picked up a magazine. Wufei watched them for a while, watched as a faint smile appeared and disappeared on Heero's lips as his character fended off Duo's attacks. Trowa's attention was languishing on the magazine, his eyes roving fondly over another article about Quatre. Wufei blinked and turned his attention to his food. He began to eat it slowly. By the time he had finished, Duo had won the match and Trowa was battling Heero's hulking character. Wufei lifted his tray up and went to the kitchen. As he shuffled around the room, cursing as he looked for a bottle opener, he heard the front door open. Duo crowed, "Quatre! DUDE! Welcome home!"

Quatre's voice was panicked: "Ah! Duo! I've got wine in my backpack, wait!"

Heero's voice was distracted: "Maxwell, do not make me put you down. I've just paid for these carpets to be cleaned."

Duo's voice was loud and snide: "You know, Trowa's made it a WHOLE evening without sighing over yo—"

Trowa's voice was uncharacteristically hot: "Fuck you, Maxwell!"

Wufei sat down in the dark kitchen and sighed. He should probably leave. Duo was right. The one he wanted to talk to wasn't even here. He looked over at the kitchen window, the moon was high in the sky and the room was lit by a soft blue light. Standing, he went to lean against the sink so he could stare out of the window more easily. It was getting very late now, and it was a clear night. He heard a noise behind him and sighed. "Look, just. I don't want to talk about it." He shrugged. "Duo's right. I gotta deal with this thing. My way."

The person behind him raised a hand and placed it on his shoulder. Wufei closed his eyes and dipped his head. "I just can't talk to you guys about it." He raised his head and looked at the window again, this time focusing on the reflections. He sucked in a sharp breath and began to nod slowly. "That rat bastard."

He turned and looked into Sally's face. Sally was in her preventer uniform, her hair frizzy from the long day's work. She was exhausted but she was here. She looked surprised and glanced over her shoulder, checking for someone else, before her eyes came back to him. "Are you...Are you ok? I was just dropping something off for Duo, he text me out the blue but he said it was important." She looked at him, concern in her eyes. "He said, um. He said that you might..." she half shrugged, "You might want to talk to me."

Wufei stared at her for a moment before smiling softly. "Did he say anything about rope?"

A blush stole across her cheeks and she whispered. "How did—did he..." Her shoulders dipped and then straightened bravely. "Did he tell you?"

"No." Wufei dipped his head and laughed quietly. "No, he just... He just does that to people." He paused for a while and looked around the dark kitchen. "Do you want to...? I want to go out." He smiled at her tiredly, "Just- let's head to somewhere." He looked out, "I could do with some fresh air."

She tilted her head, eyes soft. She understood and he walked forward. Sally didn't move, and Wufei was grateful. He leant into her embrace and turned his head to bury his face in her hair. Her hand came up to clasp his back and his head. "I know, Wufei." She moved back to look in his eyes, and he was surprised to see the twinkle. "Let's go find you a boat."

"A ... boat?"

She made river running motions with her hand, her expression was serious. "So you can go float off on it, all poetic and shit."

"Fuck you, Po." He felt a smile crack though, their old jokes surfacing, "I was fifteen."

She ruffled his hair, unafraid. "Yeah, like I said, all poetic and shit." She straightened up and slung an arm around his waist. "I know this great pub, just opened a month ago, real easy on the eyes and they're a bunch of L5 survivors too. We can get some insane Chinese. They do damn good satay." She shrugged carelessly. "You can get all nostalgic and shit."

"I can, can I?" He looked at her sideways, "Satay? How'd you know...? Did Duo-?"

"Nah." She picked up his discarded Preventers jacket, and frowned at him mockingly, "Come on, Wufei! I'm your partner. I might not be gundam, but I'm your partner. We're supposed to hang out and talk and stuff." She threw the jacket at him. He looked at her in surprise and she raised a hand to her hip. "What?"

He blinked at her in the dark and then shook his head. "Nothing, just something Duo said." He walked passed her to leave the kitchen and she reached out to ruffle his hair again. "Woman, I swear, if you don't stop touching my hair..."

"Aw, that's the Wufei we all love and know." She wrinkled her nose as she followed, "All stern and shit."

"Fuck you, Po." He groused, feeling lighter already. "And what, is 'and shit' your new catch phrase or something? Poetic and shit?"

"I think it adds a certain 'Pa-tazz' to everything. You should talk anyway, is 'Fuck you, Po' your new catchphrase?" Sally smiled and leant closely into him, "Is Duo right in thinking I should tie you up and do you?" As quickly as she'd said it, she leant away and strode out to the living room. Wufei stood slack jawed for a moment before closing his eyes. A smile appeared on his face and he took a deep breath. He glanced over his shoulder into the darkness of the kitchen, and decided something. He left the darkness behind and pulled on his jacket.

As they moved through the living room, Wufei looked over toward the sofa. Quatre was curled in the lazy boy and smiled brightly as he spotted Sally and Wufei. Trowa and Heero were both still focused on the game. The toilet flushed and moments later, Duo walked out, wiping his hands on his trousers. Wufei motioned Sally to go ahead and he walked up to Duo.

"Don't even." Wufei held up his hand in Duo's grinning face. "Just shut up."

Duo just grinned and motioned that he was zipping his mouth shut. He waltzed past Wufei, giving Sally a gallant bow. Wufei shook his head and reached out to grasp the end of Duo's braid. He smiled to see the surprise in violet eyes. He paused and leant forward. "Hey Maxwell." The Chinese former pilot dipped his head in thanks and said, "Stop cursing the darkness." He glanced at Sally and then pointedly looked at Trowa and Quatre. He returned his gaze to Duo. "Light your own damn candle." He wrapped the braid around his hand twice more, pulling the former Deathscythe pilot closer. Wufei knocked his forehead against Duo's, his tired black eyes fluttering closed for a moment as he whispered. "Xie-Xie..." Wufei opened his eyes in time to see the violet eyes soften.

"Anytime." Duo whispered back.

Wufei shook his head and gave Duo a light head butt before letting go. "I hate you, you rat bastard."

Duo's smile was brilliant for a second and it almost stole Wufei's breath to see it. Sally's fingers were not a surprise in his hair as she crowed, "All sentimental and shit. Come on Chang, we're losing precious drinking time." She yanked at his ponytail, and Wufei stumbled backward. He regained his step and waved to his friends, knowing he could come back soon.

As they left, Duo watched the front door close and frowned at the closed door. When he sat down, he glanced up at Trowa and Quatre, their attention clearly on each other as Quatre spoke animatedly and Trowa listened intently. A game controller dropped into Duo's lap, knocking him out of his contemplation. He glanced up at Heero, who shrugged. Heero motioned the television with a sharp nod. "Trowa's busy. You want to play?"

"Sure." Duo picked up the controller. He rolled his shoulders. "So, I'm like totally three for three." He squirmed backwards, forcing Heero's legs apart and got comfortable. The former Wing pilot's blue eyes were fixed on the screen. "So, what's your thing?"

When he didn't get an answer, Duo tilted his head up to look at Heero. Heero's cool blue eyes unfocused for a moment. "What thing?" Heero shrugged, as a frown flitted over his face. "Why do we need to do my thing first? What about your thing?" His eyes suddenly focused and Heero launched the game, immediately on the attack. Duo jerked with surprise and fought back.

"Hey! That's not how it works!" Duo hissed as he executed a difficult combo. "Dude! NOT. COOL." His eyes were glued to the screen and he missed Heero's fond whisper.

"Says who?"

A good friend will always stab you in the front.