Meanwhile, as Luna and Neville reach the climax…

"Hey Hermione," said Ron nervously to the approaching figure, "What brings you here? To this hallway. Outside Snape's dungeon. Right there."

Hermione supressed an urge to fling herself at the boy and began a pitiful attempt at a shrug that malformed into a shudder.

"Fine. Wonder. Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Very… cool. Just hanging with my… just hanging," she sputtered, "Hanging loose and- watching cats die and the very floor beneath me- well… how about you?"

"What was that about cats? Is something wrong with Crookshanks?" asked Ron despite himself. Detonation could wait, he'd blow his pay-load after he and Hermione had talked first.

"What? Oh no, Crookshanks is fine. Excellent even. Hey remember when you turned Crookshanks ultramarine blue?"

"Ha-ha, yeah," laughed Ron nervously, "I've still got the scars on my wrist and everything."

For a moment, the two stood together in silence.

Ron turned to the dungeon, avoiding Hermione's unbreaking glance. If only he could just reach over and-

"Ron."

Turning quickly, Ron began to speak before a pleasant interruption. Hermione wrapped her arms around him and pulled his lips onto hers, closing them for him before he could say anything.

A second later they broke away.

"Wow."

Hermione's gaze fell to the ground.

"Sorry, I don't know what came over me. I just- I thought I was going to die and I realised that I didn't want to die before getting some things off my chest and you're not mad or anything are you?"

"Not at all."

He pulled Hermione into a tight embrace and gripping her around the waist tightly, gazed deeply into her eyes.

"Baby, you're my forever girl."

And with that, she pulled him into a deep kiss, deeper than anything Ron had ever known.

Time itself seemed to freeze, and the whole universe stopped to observe. For an eternity, their lips were locked and nothing outside sheer bliss existed.

And then chaos returned in the form of a furious Trelawney.

"What are you doing you motherfuckers?"

"One, two, three."

With an almighty thrust from his boot, Harry smashed open the door to the Weasley Twin's dormitory.

"You're in trouble now. You boys are going to tell me everything starting with-what in the hell are you doing!"

The twins unhanded each other, and quickly put on some robes.

"Haven't you ever heard of knocking Harry?" scowled Fred.

"Terribly rude."

"What would your mother say?"

"Not much, she's dead."

"Nice. You handled that sensitively, George."

"Oh shut up George, don't get all high and mighty just because you're from further along the timeline."

Harry uncovered his eyes and sighed.

"What in the hell is going on here?"

All four twins exchanged significant glances.

"We're experimenting."

Harry frowned, "How are there four of you? Polyjuice potion?"

His eyes fell on the Time Turner, laid askew next to a box of tissues. His eyes widened, they'd finished an entire box! Oh and also abused time travel.

"Okay, you're going to explain everything that's going on here, or I'm going to Dumbledore. Or perhaps even your mother."

The twins gasped.

"You bastard," they cried in unison, "We thought we were cool Harry."

Harry took a step towards the doorway.

"It'll only take one owl…"

"Sit down then," motioned the twins, "It'll only take an hour."

One hour later…

"Are you trying to tell me," began Harry incredulously, "that everything you supposedly put Ron through, the unbreakable curse, this seven point contract, all of this secrecy and lying, this scheming and manipulation… it was all just so you could essentially improve your masturbation experience?"

All four the twins exchanged glances.

"Some would argue, Harry, that technically this is a form of incest rather than masturbation."

Harry's jaw dropped and his eyes twitched beneath his glasses.

"I don't know whether I respect or despise you more. This is just… unbelievable. I just honestly can't believe you apparently went to all this trouble for something so trivial. You could have saved a lot of time by simply in investing in a subscription of Hunk Rump magazine."

"We're simple men, Harry Potter," smiled one of the twins, "We merely enjoy the simple pleasures life offers."

"Paradoxical hand jobs are a simple pleasure now?" Harry laughed.

"You're more than welcome to join in, Harry," they smiled in eerie unison, "We can always use another set of hands."

Harry chuckled, "Thanks but no thanks. I just wanted to know what was happening. As enjoyable as I'm sure your plans are, I think I can handle myself. I'll probably go find Ron and Hermione now. I'm going to help Ron out with his contract and put a stop to all this nonsense."

"Your loss," they shrugged and scooting Harry out into the hallway, they began to fondle each other in one of the hottest displays of paradoxical incest to ever occur within the Hogwarts grounds.

Roughly fifty minutes earlier…

"Miss Trelawney, would you mind giving us some privacy?"

"Ron, what in Rowling's name are you doing with that bushy haired, book rutting hussy?" snarled Trelawney, with a malevolent glint in her spectacles.

Hermione's eyebrows rose bemusedly.

"Excuse me?"

"Silence yourself, whore," she quipped, "Take your desiccated, lifeless husk of hand from my Ronald immediately!"

Hermione broke away, looking at Ron with confusion and disgust. Ron shook his head furiously, distancing himself from Trelawney as much as possible, slinking towards the dungeon door…

"Trelawney, I don't think of you in a romantic sense. Sorry, but I don't want to be with you. You mean nothing to me."

A poor choice of words.

"Our kiss was the sloppiest of make outs! The most non-heinous- the most outrageous- the most triumphant thing that ever took place in my classroom! How dare you claim it meant nothing," Trelawney shrieked, eyes bulging and neck twitching.

Her hand began to grip her wand tightly. Hermione eyed her nervously, but Ron failed to see her increasing rage building and pressed on.

"It was unspeakably awful! I detested every moment of it! I only did it because I was coerced by unseen parties I cannot name. I had no choice, and I'm sorry, but I don't love you Trelawney. I never did."

Something in Trelawney snapped. With a swift motion, she brought her wand directly to Ron's face and screamed, release a barrage of flame from the tip. Had Hermione not shoved him aside at that moment, he was have erupted into flame. A fate that could still await him.

"Bloody hell," gasped Ron, sans the usual chin stroking accompaniment, "What're you doing?"

"You complete ass, Ronald Weasley," screamed Trelawney, aiming another fire blast at the ginger.

Ron ducked and weaved to the left. In the corner of his eye, he noted the door to Snape's dungeon swing open.

"Expelliarmus!" he yelled, firing the spell at Trelawney who dodged to the right.

As she landed, he leapt towards the door, flinging himself on Draco Malfoy, the doorway's current occupant.

"Weasel bee-" he began before Ron's dive brought his face directly into Malfoy's crotch. Draco bent over groaning, as Ron's face buried into his lap and pushed the pair of them back into the dungeon.

"What's all this then?" enquired an incredibly bemused Snape, "well well well, Mr Weasley. I see once again you fail to what-in-the-devil!"

He was interrupted by a spiralling tendril of flame, issued from a dishevelled Trelawney, which licked the corner of Malfoy's robes.

"Get it off, get off me, get me off!" he screamed losing his head. Tangled with Ron, he feebly slapped at the flames, which spread to Ron's robes.

Ron suddenly realised what this would mean and swore loudly.

He leapt towards the largest cauldron in the room and screamed, "Get down!"

There was a great crack and suddenly, the entire room was consumed in flames. Ron, Draco, Snape and Trelawney were all thrown back by the blast and sunk to the walls.

As Ron lay against the wall, bleeding profusely and burns stinging painfully, he smiled feebly before passing out.

"Seven out of seven. Contract fulfilled, G-gred and… F-f-forge…"

With great swiftness, there was nothing but darkness.

Voices surrounded Ron, whispered urgently and incomprehensibly. He felt as though he was submerged in a pool, and the voices were just above the surface.

He felt himself rising and slowly, he emerged from the darkness.

"Morning."

"Evening actually," came the feminine reply. Hermione.

"You were out of it for at least a week. We were starting to wonder if you were ever going to wake up," admitted a friendly voice. Harry.

"We believed in you Ron. We knew you'd pull through," chimed in a pair of demonic, ghastly cackles. Fred and George.

"You bastards," Ron croaked, "You nearly killed me. I can't believe you assholes put me through all that. I'll kill you."

"Look, at least you didn't end up burning to death. That would have essentially been the worst possible ending to this little saga. Though admittedly it was a close call," smiled Fred (or possibly George, you never could tell).

"Whatever possessed you to store all those fireworks under your robe anyway?" inquired the other twin (probably George), "Why didn't you take them in a bag or a satchel? That would have been much less dangerous."

Ron shrugged.

"I was going to detonate fireworks in Snape's dungeon. I was essentially signing my own death warrant. Snape would have killed me, if Trelawney hadn't flipped the fuck out and torched the place."

Fred and George exchanged significant glances.

"Well someone sounds like they could use a hug."

"Or if you're feeling a little incestuous, blowjobs. We can still hold you to that promise."

Ron rolled his eyes. Even after all he had been through, his brothers were still the same demented, capricious pair he had always known and now begun to fear.

Rather than deal with their drivel, Ron allowed himself to succumb to sleep once again.

Days later…

Hermione laid her head against Ron's chest as they both sat together on the Common Room couch. The fireplace crackled lazily, and warmth spread throughout the immediate area, permeating the bodies of the two.

"I was worried about you for a while there. I thought you were going to go up in a puff of smoke."

"I very nearly did," admitted Ron, "if you hadn't kissed me, I'd probably be… sea foam."

Hermione smiled.

"Clearly we're not living the Hans Christian Anderson version."

"I have no idea what you guys are talking about," came Harry from the doorway. He held himself with swagger and a relaxed expression resembling gratification sat upon his face.

"Is that some sort of in-joke that I missed?"

The two exchanged an affectionate glance.

"Something like that."

Harry swaggered over and took a seat on the couch beside the pair. All three sighed heartily and stared into the fire.

"Can you believe Dumbledore's still employing Trelawney after that whole debacle?"

Ron shrugged.

"I suppose he's keeping her around for some reason. Dumbledore's usually on the ball. He'll keep her in line. I'm still dropping Divination though."

Harry laughed, "That's a good idea mate. I may very well follow suit."

Hermione sighed happily, and wrapped her arms around Ron.

"I'm just glad it's all over. Now we can focus on the important things, like defeating Lord Voldemort."

Harry laughed mirthfully, "Right! I'd almost forgotten about him, he's been so quiet this year. I'm surprised he hasn't tried to have me kidnapped, maimed or murdered yet."

"Maybe he took the year off?" Hermione replied, stroking her chin thoughtfully.

"Bloody hell Hermione! What a ludicrous idea," exclaimed Ron and the trio laughed heartily.

"One thing does concern me though," admitted Ron, "Are the twins really not going to receive any come-uppance for their actions? They could have killed me you know. I'm not sure how comfortable I am with letting them go unpunished."

Hermione smiled impishly.

"They aren't go completely unpunished Ron. I threatened to inform the highest authority of their actions and forced them to make a deal."

"The highest authority?" Harry asked inquisitively.

"Probably Mum," smiled Ron, as Hermione nodded amusedly.

"What's their deal anyway?"

"I set them out some tasks to perform for me."

As she said this, two twins clad in maid outfits entered. They carried two trays of tea between them.

"Tea, madam? Sir? Can we tempt you?"

Ron and Harry burst into laughter, but the twins took it well.

"This is hardly the worst thing she's got us to do," whispered Fred to the aside, "After this, we're coercing Malfoy into accepting blow jobs from us."

George shrugged.

"It's a living!"

All five of them burst into sitcom-esque laughter. It was all very silly.

The End