You Kill Me- Cori

I feel the pounding against my chest as she walks by me yet again not looking at me or acknowledging me. I hate this. I just had to tell her. I had to let her in. I watch as her red hair moves down the hall. I just want to run after her and catch her. I want to hold her and make her mine. She won't give me that chance. I feel like I'm dying. My heart breaks every time I see her, hear her, smell her. Everything here reminds me of her. I stand there feeling all the dread inside of me. I feel a cold hand on my arm. I meet those piercing emerald eyes. "I wish I could help Vega. She won't talk to me though. Anything but you and she's an open book. I'm sorry." Jade. She became my friend. Best friend seeing as my old one won't even acknowledge my existence.

"I know." It's all I can say. Cat's torn me apart without even trying. I feel in love with the one person I shouldn't. I knew it and I hid it well. But one day I just couldn't do it anymore so I told her. It's been 3 months. She acts as if I'm not there. Like I never told her. Around the others it looks like we're still best friends but other than that nothing. It's killing me. Jade smiles at me softly before she heads to her class. The rest of the day is uneventful till lunch. Cat's been talking up a storm and today I just can't do it. Can't handle being by her side like everything's okay. I get up swiftly and turn to go till I hear her.

"Tori..."I look down. I'm turned away from all of them and her. I swallow around the lump in my throat. It's hard to do. I shake my head slowly and feel the tears in my eyes.

"What?"I can hear the tiredness in my voice. I hear Jade suck in a breath. It's the first time in 3 months Cat's actually addressed me. It hurts. I feel a small warm hand grab my wrist. She turns me around. I can't look at her so I look at the table. "What do you want Cat?"

"Look at me." So I do because I love her and I'd be there in an instant. She can hurt me a million times but I'm still there. I look into her coffee eyes. I can't read anything in them. "Are you okay? What's wrong?" I laugh. It's a humorless laugh. Empty. Everyone looks so worried. Because this isn't me. It's not supposed to be me. But it is. And everyone besides Jade is not learning that.

"You. That's what's wrong. You know I'm not okay. You avoid me and act like you know nothing. For god sakes Cat all I asked for was a chance. If you didn't want me around then you can just tell me because that will hurt less than this. You make me feel worthless and like I'm nothing. You hear that? You. Make. Me. Feel. Like. Nothing. Like I don't deserve to exist. Worthless. I'm done. I'm done pretending. Goodbye. Have a nice god damn fucking life." I spun away and walked toward my car. Away from my heart. Away from my world.

Me and Jade are just sitting here drinking coffee. She has her arm around me and we're watching my favorite movie. She was surprised when she found out that it was Underworld but she smiled and said I had good taste. We watch horror movies all the time. Usually when we hang out we'll watch movies or listen to music. Yeah I like rock and metal as well as pop get over it. We don't talk a lot. Only when we need to. We don't have to. We enjoy the others company. When it ends she turns to me with concern on her face. I sigh. "What's up Jade?" She says it so quietly I almost miss it.

"She asked about you today. She was worried." Everything stops. My heart gets heavy and I can't breath. No. It means nothing. I put in another movie. I sit back down and stare at my coffee.

"So what?" She sighs and takes me coffee and puts it on my table. She pulls me into a hug. I never knew how affectionate Jade was till we became friends. " It doesn't mean anything." Tears start to fall down my face and she wipes each one away. I start to cry into her shoulder. She strokes my hair.

"Shh. It's going to be okay. I'm here for you Tori. We'll get through this. I promise." Jade doesn't do promises. She doesn't know if she can keep them but she just did for me. I must be a mess. My phone goes off and I know who it is. Only she has that ring tone. I let the song play for a little bit.

"Maybe this decision was a mistake
You probably don't care what I have to say
But it's been heavy on my mind for months now
Guess I'm trying to clear some mental space

I would love to talk to you in person
But I understand why that can't be
I'll leave you alone for good I promise
If you answer this one question for me

I just wonder
Do you ever
Think of me anymore
Do you" Jade looks at me and I see my pain reflected in my eyes. I can tell that she's scared. Scared for me. I just let me phone ring. I hear the tone signaling that I have a voicemail. I sit up and wipe my eyes. I sigh and hear my breath catch. I feel the dull thudding of my heart. I put my head in my hands and pull my hands through my hair. I feel Jade rub circles on my back. She's a lot better at being a friend than she thinks. "God damn it Cat. Why are you doing this?" I whisper it but I know Jade heard. We sit there for god knows how long. When she tells me she has to go I finally look up and see the time. It's 11 o'clock. I nod and she gives me a huge hug. I wait till I know she's gone and check the voicemail. I'm met with the voice of an angel. An angel who is secretly a demon.

"Tori I-I'm sorry. I didn't ever mean to hurt you. I never wanted that. I guess I just wanted some space to you know figure some things out. To think. You were right. You deserved an explanation. you deserve more than me. You were my best friend. I didn't know what to do. I'm sorry. You haven't been in school for a week. I'm...I'm worried. Please if you're doing it to avoid me please just-just come to school. Please. I need to talk to you. You deserve more than I could ever hope to give you but please just let me talk to you. Just once. Please come to school tomorrow. I'm so sorry. Just please." I'm bawling right now. She sounds so worried and I can hear her crying. I would have sworn a few hours ago that she didn't care. But...but now I don't know. I know I can't avoid her forever. Guess I'm going to school tomorrow.

Jade picks me up and gives me a coffee and a smile. "Glad to see you getting an education again Vega." I smile and she grins happy to see me not sulking anymore. I called her last night to let her know what happened. She doesn't know what to think. Cat hasn't been herself recently and hasn't let anyone get close to her. We get there and I take a deep breath before I walk into school. I'm met with the happy faces of my friends sans Cat. I'm getting things out of my locker when I smell her. Strawberries. I sigh and turn to my right. She looks like hell. She's in sneakers, a sweatshirt, and jeans. Her red hair is in a ponytail and she's not wearing any makeup. To me she still looks beautiful.

"You wanted to talk?" My voice is distant and tired. She swallows hard.

"Yeah. Um...I'm glad you came to school." She sounds so god damn sad. Her brows furrow. I raise my eyebrow.

"If that's all then I'm leaving." I turn to go but she grips my wrist and drags me to the janitors closet. "Cat?" She sighs and looks in my eyes. Tears are brimming in her eyes. She takes a deep breath.

"Tori I am so sorry. More than anything in the world. I never wanted to hurt you. I was scared. I didn't know what to do. Honestly you scare the chizz out of me. Jade has been my best friend since forever. Then you came along. I thought that what we shared was friendship but it was different. It wasn't like what me and Jade have. I realized what it was when you told me how you felt but I was so scared. I was scared because I have never felt so much for one person before Tori. Everything was so new and intense I didn't know what to do. I was afraid. I'm not bold and strong like you. I love you. I'm sorry it took so long for me to tell you. I'm sorry I hurt you so badly. I was scared and I know that is no excuse but-" My lips were against hers and my heart was threatening to rip out of my chest. She loves me. She does. She cared all along. She put her arms around my neck to pull me closer. I sneaked my arms around her waist and lifted her up. We were kissing like there was nothing else in the world. Just the two of us. No months of loneliness. No not knowing what's going on. Just us. She slowly pulled away. She rested her head on my forehead. "-I was wondering if you would be my girlfriend. Just so I can make all of this up to you." She traced my cheek with her thumb. "I love you and I want to show you that. I want to make sure you know how special you are and how much I truly love you. Please say yes." Her eyes were running over my face like they were trying to memorize what it looked like. I smiled and placed a kiss on her nose.

"Of course."