Chapter Twelve

Dave was tired, three days into sitting in the hospital bed and staring at the wall, talking to his mother, father and friends, he was ready to be rid of this place. They'd told him two more days, they'd already put him on the step down unit, he wasn't in the ICU anymore. All his tests had come back showing rapid improvement. On top of that, he'd noticed in the past couple days, Kurt had been avoiding him. Or rather, instead of avoiding, more like avoiding alone time with him.

Kurt had clearly been happy, there had been no denying that, as soon as Dave woke up. He'd spent the first six hours with him nonstop, he'd been happy, or at least he seemed happy. But now that a few days had gone by, Dave was beginning to notice other things.

"I call it hell," Jim had explained earlier that morning when Dave described what was happening.

"What do you mean hell?"

Jim sighed and sat at the end of the bed, "Remember when I got thrown back during that explosion my second year of my marriage? I was unconscious for two days, scared the shit out of Tori."

"Yeah."

"She went through this time where she didn't know if she could be with a fireman, my dad had it too with mom, said it's when they realize that every single moment could be this horrifically painful, and they're trying to decide between protecting their hearts and being enough for us."

"You think that's what's happening?"

Jim shook his head, "I know it is. Let him talk to you about it, but he's going to figure it out. He does love you, Dave; I don't doubt that, I watched that boy fret like crazy over you. He definitely loves you."

"Thanks, Jimmy."

"Anything for you, homeboy. Listen, get better soon the station is super dull without you around to mess with the rookies."

Dave smiled as he remembered the rest of their conversation. He was so thankful to have Jim, he'd helped with so much of the pain from his brother, and his issues in the past. He sighed as he looked out the window, wishing he was out there now.

Kurt chose that moment to walk through the door, "Hey," he greeted coolly, as he took a seat next to Dave.

"Hi."

"How do you feel?"

Dave glanced at his body, "All things considering, not too bad. How about you?"

Kurt rebuffed at that question, "I'm fine."

"Kurt, I'm not dumb, what's going on. You don't think I've noticed the way you're pulling away."

Kurt sighed as he pushed out of the chair nervously and walked over to the window, "I…I'm sorry," Kurt's voice was just above a whisper.

Dave studied Kurt's back for a moment, before the man turned and moved slowly back over to the bed, "What for?"

Kurt shook his head, tears swimming in his eyes, "Please forgive me, David. Because…" Kurt heave a shaky breath, "I've spent days trying to figure this out, trying to figure out how to…how to cope with all of this."

"My being a fire fighter."

Kurt nodded slowly, "I thought I could…understand, I've seen all of you guys, hell Noah is my best friend but now." He closed his eyes, tears trailing down his cheeks, "This is unlike anything I've ever experienced before. I've never been so terrified. I love you so…so completely."

"You love me?"

Kurt realized he hadn't really said that before, he scooted closer and took Dave's hand and nodded, "I do love you. More than you could even imagine, more than I certainly thought possible after only a few months." He paused, "I shouldn't be doing all of this, it's too soon."

"Hey, I'm going to be fine, you know that. But I have the feeling this is something you have to get off your chest."

"I thought I understood, I thought I could comprehend all of this," he gestured around. "But then faced with the…the possibility that I could be raising two kids or more on my own, the thought of living my life…" It was clear he was struggling to figure out what to say and how best to say it. "I have to make sure that I'm strong enough for this, Dave. That I'm strong enough for you."

Dave realized that Kurt wasn't as strong as he'd thought, Kurt wasn't weak, but Dave could tell Kurt was struggling with the idea of what all this could mean. "Kurt, you don't have to be strong for me."

"Yes I do," Kurt replied, shaking his head and looking away for a moment, "You deserve to be so happy, and you make me happier than I ever imagined. But you deserve someone who understands the sacrifice you might have to make one day."

Dave could see Kurt was struggling, that he was trying to come to terms with it right now. "Kurt, don't force yourself into this. Everyone who's with a cop, or a fireman, or even the military has to accept these dangers. We accepted them when we signed the paperwork, but you're the one who will have to live with whatever the aftermath is. You have every right to feel torn and terrified. I don't blame you. Believe me, it wasn't something I entered into lightly."

"You deserve better, I'm sorry."

Dave pulled Kurt closer with all the strength he could muster and hugged him close. "Take whatever time you need, as much space as you need." Pulling back he looked at his lover, stroked his cheek. "I love you too, so much. I've waited seventeen years for you, a couple more days, weeks or months aren't going to hurt."

"Thank you."

Dave nodded and pressed his lips to Kurt, thankful when he felt the kiss returned with passion. "I do love you."

"I love you too." Kurt stood slowly, and left the room, leaving Dave alone to consider what had just occurred.

o0o

Tori was doing laundry when she heard the door bell ring. She headed out of the basement and up to the front door, surprised to see Kurt standing there. "Kurt," she greeted as she opened the door. "Everything all right?"

Kurt nodded, but then stopped short and shook his head, "Can I talk to you?"

"Of course, come on in, did you want something to drink or eat?"

"No, thank you."

They took a seat on the couch, Tori waited, having the feeling she knew what this was all about. "How do you…do it?"

Tori smiled sadly and nodded, "Did you know when a fireman dies…the Fire Chief or Captain comes in the SUV and knocks on your door to tell you personally. Even though your husband, wife, sibling, parent dies you're faced with this huge family of support. Kurt, I can't give you the right answer, I can only tell you how we cope. I met Cheryl…through a group of supporters, most of us try to live around one another, or go to support meetings as a way to cope with that fear. I guess in some ways I'm lucky, my dad was a fireman….and a fire took his life, so I know what it's like to wait everyday by the phone in fear."

"What if I'm not strong enough?"

"You are so much stronger than you think. Look at you, you've raised an incredible boy, he's going to be an amazing young man. You've built this empire of power around you at the hospital, I can't tell you the number of people who saw me near you and just gave me so much support and love. Kurt, it hurts and it's scary, but it's very rewarding."

"What happened to your dad?"

"9-11," she replied softly, giving him a very tight smile.

"I'm so sorry."

"Me too, sorry that I didn't get to spend more time with him, I was lucky, I was about ten when he died…my sisters weren't so lucky. But daddy died to help someone else live. It's not in vain, Kurt. What they do every day is to protect us and make our lives better. To make sure our children live and can tell others about their triumphs. No one will judge you or blame you if you do walk away, Kurt." She gripped his hand, "I guarantee you, because all the fireman will know why, and all the wives will sympathize, and we'll all still love you."

"I do love him."

She nodded, "I know. If you didn't, walking away would be easy. His last boyfriend didn't have much trouble with it. But Kurt, you're struggling, because of how much you love him. There's no fault in that, no shame. What you're doing is being honest and he can't fault you for that kind of pain."

"Will you tell me about your dad?"

She smiled, "Of course."