MERLIN WHO

Things that will be referenced to: Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Monty Python's now for something completely different, The Lion King, Christmas, Forest Gump, Plant of the Apes, American Idol, James and the Giant Peach, The Elephant Man, Repo the Genetic Opera, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Avatar the Last Airbender (show! Not movie), The Prince's Bride, and a bunch of other stuff I don't remember putting in.

I own none of the above

So basically, I had a mental break down so I decided to write this. This is me trying to expel all my crazy out so I can function like a normal human being in the real world :) This is nothing like my other work. If you don't like it, please don't let this sway you from reading anything else I write.

[The 10th Doctor and Rose are in Hollywood exploring]

Doctor: Oh, look at this Rose! [ points at hooker] A genuine hooker. God, I miss seeing some first class hookers. The last time I saw some, were in in 1888. Those were some good years.

Rose: My mom use to be a hooker.

Doctor: Did she really?

Rose: Oh, yeah.

Doctor: Learn something new everyday. That's why I love to travel.

Rose: Hey, doctor. Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just glad to see me.

Doctor: Both. [ Takes banana out of pocket and starts eating it]

Rose: Alright then, where should we go to next?

Doctor: Preferably somewhere with less fat people. America's got too many of those.

Rose: How about Camelot?

Doctor: Out of all the places in the world you want to go to Camelot: A fictional place in an unknown era?

Rose: How do you know it's fictional?

Doctor: It's a myth!

Rose: Just like santa?

[Santa jumps in]

Santa: Want to say that again?

Doctor: Let's get going.

[Santa takes out a tommy gun]

Santa: I'm going to pop you with coal so far up your a-

Timon: Santa! Not in front of the kids!

Rose: Run!

[Santa chases after them throughout Hollywood]

Random little girl: Run Doctor! Run!

[The Doctor and Rose run into the TARDIS. They start warming her up]

Rose: Come on! Let's get going!

[ They start pressing a bunch of buttons. Next they start banging the TARDIS with hammers, then with wrenches, then with rocks, then with books, then with nunchucks, then with swords, then with water guns, then with rubber chickens. The TARDIS is shaking all around]

Doctor: Well, now that we've done something completely ridiculous, that makes no sense, we can actually get going.[He pressing a button and the TARDIS is now calm. soft elevator music is playing]

Rose: So where are we going?

Doctor: Don't know. I set it on shuffle.

Rose: Don't you mean random?

Doctor: What's the difference? Now, can you change this music.

Rose: What do you want to listen to?

Doctor: I don't care. Put it on random.

[She changes the music]

Doctor: Well, here we go. Alon-

Rose: Don't! Don't!

Doctor: What? Why?

Rose: Every time you say that, and do you know what? It's getting old.

[beat]

Doctor: Oh...I didn't know you felt that way.

Rose: Well..yeah...I do.

[beat]

Doctor: Well..then...sorry.

[TARDIS jolts to a stop]

Doctor: Here we are!

[They both rush out of the TARDIS. They are in a lush green forest.]

Rose: Where the hell are we?

Doctor:I don't know! Isn't it great!

Rose: Did your parent's drop you on your head when you were a child.

Doctor: Once, when I was 50.

[ You can hear arguing in the distance. It is Merlin and Arthur off screen. ]

Merlin: I'm sorry!

Arthur: Sorry won't bring back Mr. Fluffy.

Merlin: I can sew him back up together.

Arthur: It's not the same!

[They see the Doctor and Rose]

Arthur: Who the hell are you?

Rose: Oi, pretty boy, watch your tone.

Arthur: Who are you calling pretty boy?

Merlin: Ya! He's got the face of a toad.

Arthur: Shut up.

Doctor: Hi I'm the Doctor and this is my companion Rose. [Shakes hands with both of them]

Merlin: My guardian's a physician.

Doctor: Sorry lad, I'm not interested in your backstory. I mean look how brilliant I am. Why would I find your life interesting?

Arthur: You really are an idiot, Merlin.

Rose: Oh-

Doctor: my-

Rose: God! Your name's Merlin.

Merlin: Yes.

Doctor: That's brilliant. No it's more than brilliant it's fantastic!

Rose: No, you can't be Merlin. The Merlin.

Doctor: Well, for course he's not the Merlin. First of all, there's no such thing as magic and second, he's far too young.

Rose: Merlin had to be young at some point!

Arthur: Wait, What are you talking about? Of course, there's magic! I've suffered from it far too many times from it. Also, why do you have a deep fascination with my manservant?

Doctor: Your manservant?

Rose: Nope, you're right. Can't be him.

Doctor: Told you. Besides magic is as real as Camelot.

Merlin: Are you two on your way to Camelot?

Rose: Oh my god! It's real!

Arthur: Of course, it's real. I'm Prince Arthur Pentdragon of Camelot.

Merlin: Known to the people as Prince Arthur Pratdragon.

Arthur: Merlin!

Rose: Good one!

Merlin: Thank you.

Arthur: So how did you two get here and why are you both wearing strange clothing.

Rose: We came here in this. [Points to TARDIS]

Arthur: You came...in that?

Merlin: A bit cramp in there, wouldn't you say?

Arthur: There aren't any wheels.

Rose: It's a time and space machine. It's also bigger on the inside.

Arthur: [draws sword on them] Sorcery!

Doctor: Great Rose. Now look what you've done.

Rose: Me! You're the one's who's always strutting about saying, "Oh look at me I'm a brilliant time traveling alien. Look at my blue box. Aren't I amazing. Let's walk around in regular street cloths. I'm sure no one will notice."

Doctor: Rose, don't you get it by now? Anything I do is brilliant and anything you do will land us into trouble.

Merlin: [to Rose] He's modest, isn't he?

Rose: [to Arthur] What are you going to do with us?

Arthur: I'm going to take you to my father. But we don't have the money to spend on that kind of a shot and it'd be superfluous, so we're probably going to make a cut-

[Cut to the Doctor and Rose in front of the king]

Uther: For the crime of sorcery, I sentence both of you to death.