Cat, Interrupted

"Prologue"

This is a story about a girl who's been stolen of her innocence by someone she knew and trusted.

A girl that now wants to disappear forever and be alone just to see how many people would notice and care.

That girl now spends everyday of her life telling herself that she should've screamed louder, and fought harder.

My name is Caterina Valentine and on February 14th, 2011 I was raped in the woods behind my High School too far away for anyone to hear.

This is my story.

I hope you understand how hard this is for me to tell you this.

But I will.

I'm finally speaking up.

chapter one

"The whole thing becomes like this evil enchantment from a fairy tale, but you're made to believe the spell can never be broken."

― Jess C. Scott

I'm running.

I'm running until I reach the water even though I know that I will never reach it. The water that I so badly wait for never comes so I have no choice but to keep running.

I pass by my friends as I run.

I see their sad faces and their hands reaching out for me. I wish I could fall and know that they'll catch me, but every time I let go, I meet the groundface down. Then when I pull myself up , I don't see sad faces or welcoming hands anymore.

I see no one, and I'm all alone.

Everything was an illusion. It was what I wanted to see.

Just like the water that I feel engulfing me right now. I know it's not there, but it's nice to pretend it is. It's just that I feel free when I imagine the water. I feel free of this memory I have to relive every single day, free of this burden.

The water is washing away all of the dirt on my skin, all of my fears and insecurities, and all of him.

Then I feel unstoppable.

Soon I can't breathe and it's not because I've been underwater for too long- it's because I'm still face down on the ground. And when I get up and brush all of the sand off of me, there's another layer underneath. And when I start brushing that layer away- another one appears. That's when I realize it's not sand. It's dirt. It's him indented onto my skin.

And then I wake up.

::

When I wake up, my heart is pounding in my throat and I'm holding on to my sheets for dear life. There are sweat beads running down my face and neck, and I can't help but frantically look around and make sure I was home, safe.

I'm home, but I don't think I'll feel safe for a long time, not with him lurking in my mind. The nightmares I have of him have come every night since it happened and each time they feel more real. I'm going to have these nightmares for a long time, I've accepted that. I'm just afraid that someday they'll come true.

Maybe he'll hurt me again like he does in my mind, and force me to do things I don't want to do. I know I shouldn't think like that, but I do anyways.

I pull myself out of bed and walk to the bathroom. I've walked down this hallway to the bathroom every day for the past eleven years, but it had never felt this long before. I pass a few family photos on the way there, and I stop at one dated September 8th, 2011.

It was a picture of all four of us smiling in front of the lake, and it was taken on my mother's birthday. My dad, my brother, and I surprised her with a trip to a camp site she used to go to when she was a child.

I remember how happy she was, in fact the happiest she had been in a long time. She didn't have to worry about my brother's mental problems, or my constant need of attention. And it makes me sad to know that that's what it takes to make her happy.

It makes me wonder if my brother and I are burdens to her, and if she's ashamed of us, of me.

When I finally reach the bathroom, I'm somewhat disgusted. It feels like it was the first time I had seen it in years. There are pink tiles, and pictures of flowers everywhere. This room reminds me of what I used to be, bubbly and fun, but I'm not anymore because he took that away from me.

I'm weak and childish and he knew that.

He knew that I wasn't strong enough, and he still had the wickedness to do this to me. I just, it makes me so angry to know that someone could be so ruthless.

It gets me so worked up and I can't hold it in, so I punch the wall- hard.

::

I can't feel my hand, but it doesn't bother me. I can't feel anything anymore anyways so why does it matter? My mom is going to yell at me about the hole in the wall once she notices it, but that doesn't bother me either. She yells at me regardless.

She says I don't think before I do things, and I really hate how she's right.

I shouldn't have gone to that party. I should've stayed home.

There are just so many things I should've done but never did.

::

I look into the mirror cautiously knowing that I will not like what I see. Maybe people are right when they say I'm incapable. I mean, just look at me now. I'm disgusted at myself.

I don't have my trademark long, beautiful, red velvet-resembling hair anymore. It's still red, but now it's cut just above my shoulders and is mixed with the color of tar. I don't have my beautiful brown eyes anymore either, they're permanently tear-stained.

I'm just not the same Cat anymore, she's forever broken. There's something evil pouring out of me, and I can't stop it. It's almost as if he injected me with regret, hate and bitterness. I don't see what I used to see in the world anymore. There are no more butterflies and rainbows, instead everything is so dull and lifeless like a deserted wasteland in the middle of nowhere.

The old bubbly red head that I used to be is trying to break through, but the sun has set in my paradise and there's nothing I can do to bring her back, to make the sun rise again.

The cuts are just too deep.

::

I'm not looking forward to going to school today. No one knows about what happened to me, and when they see me like this, just wait, I'm going to be on the front page of Robarazzi. Everyone is going to be making assumptions about why I'm so different, and it makes me sick to know that people will probably think of the worst of this.

I can't tell them though. I can't tell anyone. They'll think I'm stupid, and that it was my fault. They'll just laugh at me, and so will he.

Because he's everywhere.

::

I lay my outfit across my bed and examine it.

It was a birthday present I got a year ago on my fifteenth birthday from Jade. As I slip it on, I begin to admire It's simple yet dark beauty, and I can't believe I've never worn it.

It's a little black dress with a red trim.

As I look into the mirror I can see the raven black fabric billow out at my feet, making me look more fearless and wicked than ever. I put on my red converse, and head for the door.

But I'm still not ready to face the aftermath of all of this.

I'm not ready to face him.

I just want to say a quick thankyou to Jmags-Writerofawesomeness for beta-ing this chapter. She's an amazing beta, and it was an honor to be the first person she's ever beta'd.

Disclaimer- I don't own Victorious.