Summary: AU. Seriously, AU. Loki is a gentleman – well, most of the time. Darcy is a hot mess. Somehow, they make it work. A quasi-love story about scones, chemistry and pencil skirts. But mostly scones.

A/N: I've been reading fanfiction for way too long. But actually writing it? Nope. However, a friend (the only one who knows of my fanfiction obsession because she too suffers from the same affliction) mocked me for liking AU stories. I argued that all fanfiction is technically AU – that's why it's fanfiction. Alas, she didn't agree with me. And eventually a challenge was issued to write an AU that she would like. As she's currently obsessed with Loki, I knew what had to be done. As for why I'm making it Loki/Darcy, that's strictly my own appreciation of Kat Dennings and anger over her being given such a crap role – seriously, she's the useless heroine's useless sidekick. Lame. Anyway, I tried damn hard to keep this at least somewhere in the realm of in-character (or at least beginning-of-the-movie character, where Thor was an arrogant ass and Loki was mischievous but not really evil – feel free to fight me on that). But, since there are no gods or frost giants – liberties are obviously taken. Strong ones.

Disclaimer: Are these really necessary? I obviously don't own anything pertinent. I should study copyright law.

Rated M for serious potty-mouth and probable sexy-times.

Loki's voice, bitter and angry, cut through the silence of the room.

"How can you pretend to not know what I'm talking about? I loved Sif before I even liked girls. And she worshipped you and you didn't bloody care! No, not until she agreed to go out with me. Then you wanted her. You had to have her. You just had to. And she stood me up to go lose her virginity to you upstairs at a party where everyone knew and laughed and made her feel like a fool – a cheap fool. She was fifteen, Thor. And you broke her so badly that she had to move. You broke her heart and you ruined her reputation beyond repair – and you never cared at all. Two days later you were flirting with her little blonde friend. If I remember correctly, you slept with her too."

He paused to take a breath, "So, no Thor. I haven't forgiven you yet. Not for Sif, not for Jane, and not for everyone else who you discarded without remorse."

"Loki," Thor tried to cut in.

"Thor," he mocked. "Seriously, brother – go fuck yourself."

Loki started to turn away, but paused to throw over his shoulder, "And if you even think about touching Darcy…I'll kill you." He was serious. Thor's arm froze midway in its path to reach out to his brother.

They stared at each other for a moment, both wondering how it came to this. Then Loki pivoted and walked away without looking back. Thor let him.