A/N: First Niff fanfic, based on Panic!'s song, "Always". This chapter is written from Jeff's POV. I hope you like it so far :) I meant to finish this chapter ages ago! The italics represent Jeff's thoughts :)
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, the Warblers, etc.
ob•liv•i•ous Adjective: Not aware of or not concerned about what is happening around one.
[Record] It's really silly how much we thrive on the opinions of others. We can kid ourselves into thinking they don't matter; but in reality, they highly influence us and our decisions. It's the same thing with relationships. We pretend we're okay with being alone but then why do we thrive on knowing what someone thinks of us? Why do we let ourselves become so attached to another person and develop feelings for them just in the miniscule chance they'll be returned? Maybe it's because that's how we were raised; brought up with Disney stories of royalty and marriage. No one told you how much it sucks when you're the only one feeling emotions towards another person. No one told you how much heartbreak physically and emotionally scars you. No one told you what happens if relationships don't work out. Where are those stories? Where's the truth? Yes, I sound extremely cynical. Maybe I am? I'm not in denial over that. I'm just tired; fed up and tired of falling for someone who doesn't return my feelings except in the meaning of friendship. I'm tired of convincing myself that things might work out.
Honestly, I'm tired of trying. It's hard enough liking someone of the opposite gender. I don't. I'm different and that's difficult to get through some days. At Dalton, people are more accepting so it's not like the apocalypse is coming if you announce that you're gay. Unfortunately, it's hard if you like someone of the same gender but you have no idea what their orientation is. It's even worse if they're your best friend. I'm Jeff Sterling, male, seventeen, Dalton Academy Warbler, currently rooming and falling for my best friend, Nick Duval, and this is my vlog. I decided to spend the lonely hours where I'm supposed to be studying chemistry to rant about my sad, pathetic crush on Nick. He's never going to find this videos because I delete them as soon as I finish recording but I guess it's some way that I can let out how I'm feeling without telling anyone at Dalton. I don't want to involve an outsider to match-make us. I don't want a third wheel. I just don't want this to get out so it's private information for my eyes only. It probably sounds depressive that I talk to myself in a camera and just delete it as soon as I press stop but it's a outlet so I feel like I said what I needed to say. Of course, I'll never say it to his face. How could I? We're best friends. I'm gay; he's something...I don't even know. I'm not going to just jump headfirst into the chaotic explosion of "let's tell your best friend you've been crushing on his for two years and see how he responds" No. That's not happening. [Stop]
"Jeff! We're going to be late for Warbler rehearsal!" Nick shouted at his roommate, while opening their door. Jeff quickly minimized his webcam tab and closed his laptop.
"I'm coming!"
"Where's your tie?" Nick asked curiously, as Jeff got up from the desk.
"I..umm...left it somewhere in here..." The blonde answered, searching around his cluttered room.
"You're such a hoarder. Do you really need all of this stuff? How do you manage to find anything in your side of the room?" He laughed, glancing at the mess of the right side of their double room.
"I know where things are! It just takes me a while to find them." Jeff smirked, successfully finding his tie wedged in between his bookshelf and the desk.
"Well then...you're going to lose something important one of these days." Nick shook his head in defeat.
As long as I don't lose you, we're good. "Yeah, we'll see about that." Jeff replied, struggling to knot his tie.
"Here, let me do it."
"I hate ties. I still can never get it right."
"That's why I'm here. Really, man, what would you do without me?" Nick smiled, bringing his hands around his roommate's neck and glancing up into his brown eyes.
"I probably wouldn't last a day." Jeff responded honestly. It was true; without Nick, he wouldn't be himself anymore. He built his life around his best friend, spent every moment with him for the past few years; he wouldn't know how to react if Nick was no longer there.
Stop looking at me like that. God, your eyelashes are so long...Stop staring, Jeff. Stop it. He's not into you. You don't have a chance. Don't kid yourself...but it would be so easy to just kiss him; his lips are right there, pretty much begging for mine...No...Remember what you said in that video. Pretend you don't have feelings for him...pretend...pretend...
"There. Now, come on, you know how Wes gets when any of us are late. I don't want to hear endless gavel pounding." Nick smirked, grabbing his friend by the blazer and dragging him out the door.
So he likes to be in control? Good to know. Maybe he'd prefer me pounding into him? Maybe, he likes it rough, he sure is yanking on my jacket...God, Jeff! What are you thinking! Shutupshutupshutup!
Xx
Warbler rehearsal was torturous. Jeff couldn't stop thinking quite undapper thoughts about his best friend. Flint heard his cursing and nudged him, politely telling him to stop swearing and focus. Jeff knew he wasn't supposed to be feeling this way; it was wrong; it was only going to end in disaster; Nick would reject him and all that pining would be for nothing. He needed to calm down; he needed a distraction, if only he could tear his eyes away from Nick's unbuttoned blazer, it had came undone during one of the dance rehearsals and Jeff didn't dare mention it in fear Nick would fix it.
Ten minutes.
Nine…
Eight…
Seven…
"Jeff! Pay attention!" Wes pounded his gavel against the hardwood desk as glares resounded from the council trio. Thad was grinning like an idiot, quite pleased at Jeff's display of misbehaviour and David gave him a knowing, sympathetic look. Does he know? OH SHIT! DAVID KNOWS! Internally, Jeff was writhing on the floor in pain and humiliation but simply swallowed in reply and apologized to the council. He knows, he knows, he knows…he's going to tell Nick…what if Nick has already found out? Fuck, I'm so screwed…
"What's gotten into you?" Flint asked slightly smirking at the blonde. "You're acting like you're on crack; blanking out during background vocals, flumbing up dance moves and staring off into space like you're in some trance...Whatever you're on, I want some."
"I'm not taking drugs." Jeff scowled, hoping Nick hadn't noticed his everything Flint apparently did.
"Well, what's wrong with you then?"Flint pressured, knowing something was unsual about Jeff's recent behaviour. He tried to look for clues and now that drugs were ruled out, his list was very limited. He'd narrowed it down to one of three things: heavily worked up about some guy, sexually aroused by some guy or anxiously awaiting some guy's sweet lovin'.
"Nothing; stop drawing attention to me." Jeff whispered in reply, trying to focus on Wes' speech while eying Nick's reactions.
"I think you did enough damage by yourself." Flint teased, jabbing him in the side.
"Would you just shut up?" Jeff's eyes widened as Nick's attention flitted towards himself and he flashed that genuine, all-knowing smile that caused Jeff's knees to weaken upon command. Stop staring. Stop staring…oh God…Why does he have to be so perfect? Guh, you bastard; why do we have to share a room? I really need to lock you out and take care of this fucking problem you were the cause of. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
"…Regionals is in a month…Practise starts at 2pm on Saturday…Solo auditions…See you then…"
Finally.
Jeff made his way out the door as soon as Wes' gavel hit the desk to wrap up rehearsal. He needed to find some place to take care of his ever-growing problem where Nick couldn't find him. The only thing preventing his search was Flint tagging along with a wideset grin plastered on his face.
"Who is he?"
"What?" Go away, I'm not in the mood to talk right now...Unless you're Nick whispering dirty things in my ear…
"The guy you're fucking." Flint fingers coiled around Jeff's arm and stopped him in his tracks. "It's written all over your face. Who is he? Are you meeting him now? Is that why you're so…heated?" Flint inquired, glancing his eyes downward with a chuckle.
"You're so immature." Jeff rolled his eyes in response and pulled away from Flint's grasp. He couldn't do this right now. Not now, not tomorrow, not this month. No one needed to know about his crush on Nick. Crush? More like two years long pining love for your best friend.
"Well, how about you enlighten me? What exactly about Warbler practice causes raging hard-ons? Tell me your secret, oh wise one!" Flint continued, not caring whether Jeff wanted to ignore him or not.
What if Flint wasn't the only one who noticed?
Jeff glared in reply and knuckles gripped firmly around Flint's blazer collar. "You tell a soul and you won't be able to feel your cock after I'm done with you."
"That's hot. Is that what you told your mystery man? So who tops in this relationship of yours? Or is this strictly sex? Fuck buddies are fun, you know. I'd be totally okay with it if you were fucking some guy just for the hell of it; who needs morals anyways?" Flint rambled on, grinning wider as Jeff's face turned crimson with embarrassment.
"I'm not fucking anyone."
"But you want to, am I right? Who is he? You might as well tell me or else I'll do some sleuthing of my own."
"NO!"
"Woah, calm down; you can join in my master plan of stalking! I won't leave you out, don't worry."
"Do you ever shut up? No wonder no one rooms with you!"
"Ooh burn."
"If I tell you will you shut your mouth and stop following me? I kind of need to get rid of this problem before…"
"Before?"
Jeff sighed in response. There was no way he could avoid it now. He couldn't mention Nick without going red in the face once more. After all, Flint wasn't going to ease up on him so he might as well spill the beans and get some advice.
"Nick. It's Nick."
"You're fucking Nick!"
"NO!" Jeff covered Flint's mouth with his hand and glared fiercely. "I told you, I'm not dating anyone. I'm not having sex with anyone. There's nothing going on between Nick and I." But how I wish there was…
Flint nodded in understanding and Jeff removed his grasp.
"Sorry."
"No problem; I'm still breathing aren't I? Okay, so you like Nick. What's the problem with that? You already room with him—"
"Exactly! I share a dorm with him. I'm his best friend. I can't tell him; don't you get that? It would mess everything up between us. Even if he was okay with me confessing, the awkwardness never goes away. I don't even know if he's gay! I can't just tell my best friend that I'm in love with him and risk losing years of friendship."
"But he's your best friend? He's Nick. You know him. You know how he'd act; you know what he'd say in response whether he liked you back or not. He's the nicest guy I know, this wouldn't wreck your friendship, believe me." Flint smiled encouragingly, gripping Jeff's shoulder and giving him a tight squeeze of reassurance.
"You don't understand…" No one ever understands…
A/N: Nick gets more dialogue and focus in the next chapter. Yay! \o/ Let me know your thoughts; thanks!