Disclaimer: I do not own criminal minds, I just took a bit of inspiration and ran with it.

Spoiler alerts: references 'Valhalla', 'Lauren', 'It takes a village', and very vaguely sort of refers to a scene in 'proof'.

Set somewhere in season 7 shortly after Emily's return.

'What was it like?'

The question was one Emily had been expecting, though not from him, she knew exactly what Derek was referring to yet found herself asking:

'what was what like?'

'Being with Ian Doyle.' she could detect no anger or judgment in his words nor his body language as she studied him silently. His hands casually gripped the wheel of their government issue SUV and his eyes stayed on the road without any indication he was avoiding her gaze or being anything other than a careful and attentive driver.

Her own eyes followed his to the winding road in front of them, wondering if it wouldn't be best to let the rolling highway markings hypnotize her and pretend she hadn't heard his answer. She'd been expecting this question from a snoopy Garcia, maybe even a sympathetic JJ or a curious Rossi who had been a casual confidant before Ian Doyle.

Emily tried to keep her face stoic as she cursed the big obnoxious line drawn down the center of her life, everything falling into one of two categories. Before Ian Doyle and after. Before she could have let something flippant and teasing slip off her tongue by way of not-so-subtley telling Derek Morgan that if he wanted to know about her sex life so badly he'd have to step up and claim a place in it.

It was an intricate dance they'd been doing; starting slowly and lightly with the story of a bad date, spilt coffee and the first genuine smile she'd ever gotten from him bonding over a favourite author. It had continued into hot an heavy innuendo, a close partnership and deep friendship. It should have ended with his strong hand grasping hers as her life bled out onto a warehouse floor in Boston, the curtain closing on a forlorn story of unrequited lust because to Emily everything after felt awkward and forced.

His throat clearing brought her out of her dramatic mind and back to the SUV winding down a mountain road and hopefully headed a step closer to finding a missing girl. After Ian Doyle she felt like she owed him an answer, even if she wished she could just focus on the case at hand.

'I don't really know how to answer that' she said finally, apologetically. 'it was like being a fly on the wall, like I wasn't really there' she tried. 'and yet Lauren Reynolds WAS me and I was her. I saw what she saw and felt what she felt.' Another moment passed and she saw Derek glance at her but stay quiet knowing she wasn't finished. 'She was in love with Ian' Emily said finally, the closest she'd come to admitting that it wasn't all an act, that even as Ian Doyle drove that broken table leg into her he had looked at her with regret and love and it had made her fading breath come a little quicker, her heart pound a little harder. And later on a freezing tarmac as she held the shaking body of his terrified child, watching Ian's eyes grow dull and lifeless had broken a small piece of her heart.

'I once offered to get him out' while her admission of love had not surprised him this seemed to. 'he wanted me to be a mother to Declan, for us all to be a family and in that moment part of me stopped trying to take him down and started trying to change him. That's when I knew I was in too deep. I should have asked for extraction, but I had a job to do and the part of me that was still me couldn't live with what I'd already done if I didn't finish the job. I needed it all to be worth it.'

She stopped then, turning her gaze out the passenger window to show that she was finished speaking. Her face burned with shame. She'd told him more than she'd meant to.

'Is that why you couldn't tell me what was going on? You were ashamed?' she was surprised to feel tears suddenly on her cheeks as she nodded slowly, still watching rock and trees fly past her window. 'I was angry with you when we realized you'd left.' he told her quietly. 'You were Lauren Reynolds and this guy was after you and you just ran. You didn't trust me.' Emily kept quiet, trying desperately to keep her breath from shuttering and willing her eyes to suck her tears back in.

She'd known before it even happened that his first reaction would be anger, followed closely by betrayal, then undoubtedly guilt. But hearing him say it stung her. Through tears she saw the highway sign signaling their exit ramp was coming up. The sight of it seemed to spur Derek onward, they both knew that if not finished now the likelihood of ever seeing the end of this conversation was small.

'I realized shortly after JJ told us the details of the Valhalla file and your assignment why you hadn't told me. Rossi called me out while we were searching your apartment. I was standing their in your bedroom breathing in your scent and all I could think was that this monster knew what it was like to make love to you, and I didn't.' his confession caused his knuckles to lighten as his hands tightened against the steering wheel, finally showing the emotions coursing under the surface. 'I knew then that you didn't tell me because you knew I'd act like a jealous cave man and put myself in harms way. It didn't take me long after that to accept that you'd done what you had to to protect us.'

To Emily this sounded an awful lot like forgiveness but she wasn't sure it was meant as such. He'd told her he wasn't angry, that he was just happy she was back. In the field they had easily fallen back into step as partners but on a personal level things were still strained, and it wasn't about to get any less tense now that he'd planted the mental image of them making love together. Those words fell from his lips and landed heavily in her gut and left her somewhat dumbfounded.

'I am sorry' she whispered for what felt like the millionth time since her resurrection. His bald head nodded lightly and he flashed a small comforting smile her way.

'do you want me to stop for a minute? We can collect ourselves before talking to this witness.' she let a puff of air past her lips in a thankful sort of sigh and nodded. Derek pulled easily over to the shoulder of the road just after their exit and rummaged behind his seat for a moment to produce two bottles of water.

'So... You and Rossi got to toss my bedroom huh?' she asked with a chuckle before bringing the cool water to her mouth. 'find anything interesting besides what I left for you to find?' she was trying to lighten the mood, to ease them back into some of the friendly banter they'd enjoyed before Ian Doyle but the site of dark blush making it's way from his ears to his cheeks made her wonder if that was the best step considering the tension Derek had brought up. She smiled anyways, wide and toothy, liking the way his blush added to the coiling heat in her belly. 'what?' she pushed, eyes sparkling. Derek groaned.

'nothing' he started then saw her eyebrows raise in silent yeah right. 'it's just that, with all the flirting and innuendo and pretending we don't notice the really serious and intesnse chemistry between us it would be much easier for me to stay at least somewhat professional if I didn't know what kind of underwear you like to wear.' it was her turn to blush and she cursed his dark skin because at least his wasn't so obvious as the red moving over her alabaster face and across her lightly freckled chest. she shifted slightly, gulped another mouthful of water then cleared her throat.

'according to the GPS you should take the next left, looks like the place we're looking for is just around the corner of that intersection up there.' Derek looked triumphant at her abrupt change of subject as he started the SUV back up and pulled into traffic.

So I have an idea for a second part to this story but I am not sure if I want to persue it. I kind of feel like this piece stands alone quite well as a cute little onshot... what do you think?