AN: This is just an alternate version of 3.1/episodes so far. Warning: there's some stuff about suicide, so if you're sensitive to that particular topic you might not want to read. I'll have an update for "Goodbye Until Tomorrow" fairly soonish, I hope.

For a while she's able to keep it together, at least in public. She's able to answer questions readily and politely, calmly talk to neighbors and distant friends, even able to fake with closer friends. So what if the circles under her eyes deepen or her smile becomes a ghost of its former self? It's to be expected after yet more family deaths, another double funeral. For all those watching, Elena Gilbert is doing surprisingly well under the circumstances.

She hides from those who could detect otherwise, Jeremy and Bonnie and Caroline, avoiding them whenever she feels like she's going to lose it, fighting those moments hard because Elena can't let herself break down. Of course, it's not like they can't tell what's going on with her, that they ignore what's going on or not try to help. They do, from trying to talk to her, trying to cheer her up and make her smile a real smile. Caroline and Bonnie take her shopping, bring lots of food and laughter to a dreary house. Alaric tries too, making Elena and Jeremy regular meals and staying in their house despite his own misgivings. It's just that nothing works.

Maybe it was fear, fear that if she broke down now, without Stefan, Elena wouldn't be able to recover. Maybe it's because of Stefan's absence, on top of everything else that makes Elena feel like this, like she's falling constantly, losing control and has to take whatever control she can get, even if it's only ordering herself to not cry. Maybe if she could go to Stefan right now, she'd be able to let go of all the emotions and doubts and fears that have been weighing her down ever since the last double family funeral.

And then, suddenly, as if it's a cosmic joke, it's almost her birthday. Caroline suggests they go drinking and dancing somewhere far, far away, while Bonnie's all for a low-key slumber party with as much ice cream as the freezer could hold. Elena tries to smile at their efforts, but says nothing, preferring to avoid the subject altogether.

When her birthday is just a couple of days away, Elena wakes up long before her alarm goes off. For a while she remains still, although she learned in the first few weeks after her parents' deaths that going back to sleep once reality hits isn't possible. Still, she tries to go back to go back to the first moments of waking up from sleep, when she could still believe that Jenna and John are alive and Stefan's there, his arm slung around her waist. Part of her hates that Stefan's absence affects her so much, and that she should be fine on her own. And okay, it is a little pathetic that everyday she leaves a new voicemail and text on his phone; by now Klaus has probably stolen the phone from Stefan and tossed it in a dumpster somewhere. Still, it's become a comfortable ritual by now, one she needs to get through the day.

"Hi Stefan," she says that morning, her voice scratchy and soft. "It's me. Again. I hope you're all right."

Formalities out of the way, she sighs and shifts against the pillow. "My birthday's in a couple of days, on Monday. Well, Caroline wants to make a big deal about it and she's been planning something- she always has this look on her face and makes a big deal about me "sneaking up" on her. Not that that makes any sense, with her hearing.

"I haven't told Caroline this, and I know I should, but I don't want to do anything for my birthday. I don't want a party or dinner or anything. I was thinking about going to the lake-house, just spending some time there. I know, I know, totally silly and unsafe and whatever, but maybe I'll just go anyways. Go and, I don't know, meditate or read or whatever.

"Well. Um. It's been pretty quiet around here. And I- I love you, Stefan. I'm looking for you, but- we'll keep looking. No matter what. I love you. I love you, Stefan."

Elena ends the call, lets the phone fall back onto the bed. She needs a moment before thinking about getting ready for the day.

She tries to keep the messages short enough so the voicemail wouldn't fill up; logically, by now it should be and yet she still gets through. The thought is enough to give her some hope that Stefan's listening. Although it's probably just a fool's hope, she can't help herself.

At lunch with Caroline, Bonnie, and Tyler (for some reason he's been hanging around them a lot lately; rather, he's been hanging around Caroline a lot), Elena just picks at her food; Bonnie raises an eyebrow at this but doesn't say anything.

"No way," Caroline declares. "I refuse to see it."

"Come on Care," Tyler laughs. "It'll be fun."

"Fun?" Caroline scowls. "You go to your psycho killer movie and I'll see something happy so I won't have a nervous breakdown."

"You'd have the most organized breakdown ever."

"Can you be organized about a breakdown?"

As they chat, Elena finds herself drifting in and out of the conversation. Selfish, yes, self-involved, definitely, but she can't stop herself from wondering about Stefan, thinking about where he is right now.

"Earth to Elena!" Caroline says as they walk to their cars. "Hello?"

"Sorry," Elena replies. "Um. What's the deal with you and Tyler?"

"What? We're just friends," Caroline says rather defensively and Elena gives her a look. "We are! Why does everyone keep asking me what our deal is?"

"No reason," Elena bit her lip and almost smiled. Something was definitely going on between Caroline and Tyler.

Caroline shrugs. "So, about this weekend. I was thinking, with the party being on Monday, we'd have some sort of girls' weekend, do some shopping, visit a salon or two..."

"Actually," Elena feels awkward and terrible, knowing she should have brought this up sooner. "That's incredibly sweet of you, and you have been such a fantastic friend lately, but I think I have to get away for a while. Alone. Just for the weekend," she hurries to finish.

"That's actually understandable," Caroline says softly, giving her that sad expression Elena's come to know so well lately. "Where do you want to go?"

"The lake house. And I'm sorry, I know I should have said something before-"

"No worries," Caroline waves her hand. "And no need to apologize. Go."

Elena pulls the blanket over her knees and stares out over the lake. The rain feels unbearably appropriate, as does the slight chill in the air. Leaning back against the cushion and tapping her pen on the page, she tries to will herself to write. Lately her entries have taken on a repetitive tone, one that's bleak, lost, angry, confused, and so far today's entry remains blank.

Maybe she'll write later. She sets her journal aside and picks up Jane Eyre, hoping to get lost in another world, if only for a little while.

Later, after checking in with everyone, Elena lounges on the couch, listening to music. It's been a quiet birthday weekend so far, one spent missing people, those she'll never see again and those she'll see in a few days. She's not sure which category Stefan's in, or if he even belongs to one. A quiet birthday weekend- strange. When she was little there were always big parties, ones her mom had brilliantly orchestrated, usually a trip before or after the big day, and there was always a lavish dinner made by her dad. And the cakes, oh the cakes her dad would make.

She's not sure what makes her look up, look to the window, but somehow she does and her eyes meet Stefan's. Stefan.

Elena doesn't hesitate, and runs for the door, half-expecting to find him gone or simply a figment of her imagination; maybe she's finally completely lost her mind and she'll shortly be seeing the ghosts of her parents and Jenna. But he's there, Stefan's there on the porch, hunched over and looking scared as hell. He looks down and then back up at her, as if he was afraid to move, as if he didn't want to scare her, as if he was sure she didn't want to see him, but remaining perfectly still, staring at her.

For a moment, Elena feels like she's frozen on the porch, like someone's placed glue there to cement her shoes in place. Eventually, though, the glue goes away and, on shaking legs she's able to move slowly towards him.

"Is it really you?" she asks softly.

He looks terrible, she realizes. His eyes are haunted and frightened and sad and lost and alone.

"I'm sorry," he whispers and she can barely hear him. "I'm so sorry."

Gently, she touches his face and he flinches away. Elena bits her lip but touches his face again.

"Come inside," she finds herself saying. When he doesn't move she kisses him lightly on the lips. "Come on, Stefan. It's all right."

Elena helps Stefan change from his drenched clothes, noting how stiffly he's moving, how hesitant he seems in his movements. She practically has to force him into her parents' bedroom to change, and helps him undress, her fingers fumbling with the buttons. It's uncomfortable, being so intimate after so long, and Elena's eyes take in his body, noting new scars on his torso and arms, fighting her natural instinct to touch the faded wounds. For his part, Stefan still seems somewhat frozen. While the man in front of her looks like Stefan, has his hair and stunning green eyes, his eyes no longer carry their familiar spark, but are bleak and weary and hopeless.

"Want some tea?" she asks, her voice far too loud and high. She leads him to the kitchen, goes about making tea, glancing continuously at him. He's not hurt- well, not physically- but he's so distant, seems so lost. He can't seem to look at her anymore, instead ducking his head and studying the floor.

She has a million questions- well, actually a lot more than a million questions. If only there were a million questions, and if only she could figure out which one to blurt out first. Yet if she started questioning him now, the questions would likely jumble together and only confuse both of them. While sipping her tea (burning her tongue in the process), Elena studies Stefan closely, getting no hint whatsoever about what's happened. Surely his being here means something happened to Klaus, but maybe that's too much to hope for. Maybe Klaus is watching them right now and smiling to himself, cackling with glee over how this will play out- it could only end in blood and tears. And a couple of deaths, because that's the only thing she and Klaus have in common, that people die around them.

The clock moves, the tea's gone cold, and Stefan stands there like a petrified zombie and she still has no clue what's going on.

"Stefan?" she tentatively speaks and gets no reaction. Aside from "I'm sorry" Stefan hasn't spoken. It seems like coming here has taken everything out of him, that coming here used up whatever strength he had.

Elena steps closer to him, slowly touches his shoulder, acting like she's approaching a frightened animal. "Stefan."

Although he tenses at first, his shoulder slightly relaxes, and Elena feels like this is a small triumph.

"Stefan, hey, it's late... well, latish, and I, uh, bet you're tired- I definitely am," she tries to make her voice light and easy, to cover the lump that's lodged in her throat. "So let's just go upstairs, all right?"

Pressing her hand against his back, Elena carefully guides Stefan up the stairs, talking softly all the while in an effort to soothe him. She's pretty sure he's listening, but it might just be wishful thinking. Meanwhile her mind is racing- should she stay with him, crawl into bed besides him and hold close, or should she leave him? What does he want?

"Is this okay?" she chatters nervously as they go into the guest room, the one they stayed in on their past visit. "Do you need anything?"

She kisses his forehead. She doesn't know what's happened. If this is all some sort of evil plan, she's totally playing right into Klaus' hands, but she'll just have to take that chance. Smiling ever-so-slightly, Elena rubbed his cheek, kissed him again before crossing the room to turn off the light.

"Elena," his voice, hoarse and ragged, stops her. He looks directly at her, meeting her eyes for the first time since his arrival. "Thank you."

"Of course," she says, flustered. "Try to get some rest."

"Elena," he repeats softly. "Klaus is dead."

She forgets to breath for a moment, afraid she misheard, afraid of how relieved she feels. "That's- that's good, right?" she says. Stefan nods, just once, and closes his eyes.

As soon as she steps out of the room, Elena starts to freak out. What the hell just happened? Why didn't she question him, make him answer more questions? Of course she knows why she didn't- Stefan's eyes and the slump of his shoulders, the grey color of his skin. Tomorrow, Elena tells herself, I'll make him talk.

She lingers in the upstairs hallway, sinking down besides the door, not wanting to leave Stefan alone. She checks her phone, knowing she should call someone, Damon at the very least, let him know Stefan's here; yet even as she scrolls through various names and numbers, rehearses what to say, Elena knows she won't call, not yet. It's stupid of her, selfish, but until she figures out what's going on, it's just going to stay them, Stefan and Elena. For some reason that seems safest.

Like a nervous parent, Elena checks on Stefan throughout the long night, hovering at the door and studying him. Luckily he seems to be in deep sleep, barely stirring even as the floor creaks noisily beneath her feet. As dawn approaches she double, triple checks to see if he's wearing his ring, and even though she knows he'd had it on last night, she's still uneasy for some reason.

He'll need to eat soon, and Elena finds her mom's sewing kit, takes out a couple of needles. Unsure of how Stefan will feel about drinking her blood, hell, unsure of how she feels about Stefan drinking her blood, she takes the needles upstairs with her.

Stefan's curled in a ball with the covers kicked away, hair sticking up all wild and rumpled, his shirt pulled up to reveal some of his torso and if it weren't for the uneasy, frightened look on his face, Stefan would look completely adorable. As gently as she could, Elena drapes the covers over him and eases next to him, wondering if she should just let him sleep some more.

Suddenly she realizes he's looking at her, deep green eyes staring up at her. Despite her worries she smiles slightly and moves closer to him. "How are you? Do you need anything?" she asks quietly. "Want some blood?"

"I can't," he murmurs.

"Yes, you can," she insists. "Stefan, you look- well, you need to eat."

She gasps slightly as she stabs the needle into her finger (he'll need more than just a few drops, but the needle seems less terrifying than an knife). Stefan looks terrified, of the blood or of how his face changes so quickly, the lines coming across his face and his teeth sharpening and extending.

"It's okay, Stefan," Elena tells him. "It's okay."

That just seems to frighten him more, but he takes her finger and sucks on it almost greedily, making Elena wonder when was the last time he ate.

"Thanks," he whispers when he's done, when he releases her hand and pulls slightly away from her.

She nods, straightens up. "Stefan... are you all right?"

He doesn't answer. Instead, he gazes up at her, looking at her like he's memorizing every inch of her face. "I'm.. I'm tired."

"Okay," Elena nods and reaches to touch his face, stopping when he flinches. "Stefan," she whispers. "What happened to you?"

"Klaus is dead," Stefan murmurs. "I- Elijah killed him."

"How?" Elena asks.

"When I first went with Klaus, he stabbed Elijah with the dagger, left him in Mystic Falls. We'd been traveling for a while and then Klaus decided he needed Elijah for something. We were fighting some werewolves," Stefan's voice was blank and tired, barely containing any emotion in it. "I killed three of them, Klaus and Elijah were busy with the leader, and suddenly Elijah just turned and killed Klaus, just stabbed him with the dagger and ripped his heart out, cut the body up into... I don't know, at least twenty pieces."

Elena stares at him, taking in the words and barely understanding any of them. "And... Elijah?"

"I don't know," Stefan shrugs. "He thanked me for my help and left. I haven't seen him since."

"When?"

"Three weeks ago."

"What?" Elena's voice rose. "You've been free all this time and-"

"I needed to...detox," Stefan sits up, looking away from her. "I wasn't going to come back."

Elena looks at him numbly, waiting for him to continue, biting her already ragged nails.

"After what I did with Klaus? I can't go back, Elena, not to you or anyone in Mystic Falls, not after the things I've done, the people I've killed," he finally looks at her, his eyes empty. "You weren't supposed to see me last night, I was just going to see you one last time-"

"And what, just leave forever?" Elena asks. "Leave Damon? Leave me?"

"Leave everything," Stefan replies, slowly fingering his ring. Elena's eyes widen in horror and she grabs his hand, forcing her fingers around his ring to keep it in place.

"No, no, a million times no," she insists. "You are not taking that ring off, you are not leaving, you are not dying."

Holding her face with one hand, Elena stares into his eyes, not aware of the tears that are slowly running down her face and falling onto Stefan. "Please, Stefan, love, you can't. I love you, you can't do this."

She buries her face in his neck, still grasping his hand in hers, continuing to spew out protests and non-sensical sentences, only dimly aware of Stefan slowly wrapping an arm around her waist. It wasn't much, it was hardly a reassurance that he would change his mind, but it was something.

After Stefan's admission, Elena doesn't let him leave her sight. When he eventually got out of bed she goes with him, following him downstairs and watching him stare out the window. He still can't seem to look at her, even glancing away from her reflection.

Elena asks quietly, "What did he do to you, Stefan?"

Stefan didn't answer at first and when he does his voice is low and riddled with pain. "I killed people. Tortured them, made them suffer, tricked them, anything. I fed on them. I tore the bodies apart. I did that, Elena, not Klaus."

Her first instinct was to protest, tell Stefan that Klaus had to be behind it all. But she waits, if less than patiently, for him to continue.

"It was all for Damon," Stefan whispers bitterly. "I had to drink human blood and agree to go with him to get the cure. I had to keep killing people to ensure Klaus wouldn't go back and kill Damon..." he broke off for a moment, unable to finish. "I was a good killer."

Slowly Elena goes to him, touching his back. "Stefan, you-"

"Sometimes I though about ending it, after a kill. Once Klaus was trying to find this- warlock, I think- and he made me torture his girlfriend," he shuddered. "She was...she was pregnant."

Elena's heart drops, but she keeps her hand on his back, steadying both of them.

"I killed them," Stefan whispers and Elena leans her head against his back, looping her arm around his waist. "I killed them."

"Stefan-"

He breaks away from her, his eyes wild. "I can't- oh god, Elena- I can't, I have to-"

"Shh," she reaches for him. "Love, it's-"

"It's not okay," he yells and she flinches. "God, Elena, it'll never be okay again."

Stefan grabs his ring and starts to move towards the door; quickly, Elena pulls Alaric's wooden-bullets gun out from the top of the couch and fires it at him, aiming anywhere except his heart. As he fall, a stunned look on his face, Elena rushes to him.

"I'm so sorry, love," she whispers. "I'm so sorry Stefan."

Elena sits and waits, watching Stefan like the creepy stalker girl she is. For once she's grateful Stefan had been so curious about the secret anti-vampire room in her parents' closet, grateful to have found the chains and other handy supplies. Before she'd always been a little annoyed by it, irritated that Stefan had interrupted what had promised to be a lovely make-out session (and much more) to play detective. Now she has to admit the room's handy- there's no way for sunlight to get in and Stefan's chained to the wall so when he wakes up he can't, or at least, he shouldn't be able to, make any more sudden suicide attempts.

She should probably call reinforcements, call Damon at the very least, but it's the same as earlier; Elena's so convinced that Damon would end up saying something to set Stefan off, that Damon would only make things worse if only by accident. Besides, this feels like something she has to get Stefan get through. She's selfish that way.

Elena tells the unconscious man in front of her, "I love you."

To her surprise Stefan raises his head and stares at her. "How?"

"How?"

"How can you still love me?"

Elena simply looks at him. "You have to ask? Stefan- you beat him. You weren't going along for the fun of it, you were doing it to protect your brother. I would have done the same thing."

Stefan scoffs at this; he seriously doubts this and cannot even imagine her doing the things he's done. "I don't think so- I killed people just so I could save myself. That's exactly the opposite of what you were trying to do when Klaus was after you; you were ready to die so others would live. I slaughtered people to save-"

"Damon," Elena interjects. "Me. Everyone you love and care for. You were protecting us."

"Selfish-"

"And killing yourself is so selfless?"

"It's the only thing I can do to-"

"Atone?" Elena finishes. "That's not atoning, you're just giving up and trying to escape-"

"As least I won't hurt anyone."

"Stefan," Elena says softly. "What do you think Damon will do if you die? What will I do-?"

"Have a normal life," Stefan says instantly. "It's what you want, it's what you deserve- family, children. A life, not this fucked-up existence."

Elena stares at him. Yes, a normal life sounds so much better than the messiness that her life's become, but she's long since accepted that, accepted that she can't stop herself from loving Stefan, that even if she wanted to she can't not have him in her life. These months have taught her that, that with all she's lost, she can't lose him.

"Is that what you really think?" she asks. Stefan stares at the floor; honestly he doesn't know, but all he knows is that she's better off without him.

"No, I'm not," Elena says gently, like she just read his mind. "I'm not, Stefan."

Slowly, she slides across the floor to him, coming to kneel in front of him. She strokes her face as she whispers, "Come back, Stefan. Please, just come back. I love you, I love you so much, please just- don't go."

Stefan stares at her, clearly so afraid, afraid of even trying to go back, certain he won't be able to last and he'll wind up hurting someone. Only this time it won't be nameless unfortunate strangers, but people he cares for, people he loves. "I can't."

"Yes, you can," Elena says, her eyes boring into his. "Stefan. You can- I'm not saying it will be easy, but Stefan, you are stronger than this."

She leans in, brushing her lips against his. "I love you."

"I love you," spills out before he can stop himself and he starts crying, doubling over, his tears falling to the ground.

That sets Elena off, and all the tears she's had bottled up erupt as she joins him. She's crying and not just for them, for all that Stefan's been through, but all the victims of Klaus, all the nameless, faceless people who've had their lives destroyed in one way or another. All her emotions, pent up for so long and hidden behind the bland mask of "I'm fine" come pouring out of her. She curls around him, their tears mixing together, their bodies collapsing against one another, their grief merging.

Elena manages to open her eyes, though she'd prefer to go on sleeping. Slowly, she takes in her surroundings and frowns, confused. How the hell did she get to her bedroom? What the hell happened? Was the past day just a hallucination?

No. Stefan's besides her, stroking her hair and looking worried beyond belief and completely exhausted.

"You're still here," she whispers, cursing herself for saying something so obvious and stupid. She checks his ring- his ring is still there.

"I tried," he says. "I told myself I would just come here to see you, see you for one last time. Then I told myself I would just stay the night and leave in the morning. I told myself I'd get you upstairs and I tried to leave but... I can't, Elena, I can't leave you again. I should, you'd be safer, you'd be better off, but I can't."

"I'm not asking you to forgive yourself right away," Elena tells him quietly. "I know it takes time- I still haven't forgiven myself for my parents, or Jenna or John. But you can learn how to live with the pain and the guilt. It's hard as hell, but... well, you know."

Stefan ducks his head. "I... I'll try."

She knew it was the best he could do at the moment, and doesn't press him. Instead, Elena asks something that's been bugging her all day. "How'd you know I was here?"

"Your last message," he smiles, a shadow of the old grin that would light up on his face sometimes when they were alone. "You said you were thinking of coming here, so... I came here."

"You got my messages?"

"All of them," Stefan moves his hand, almost as if to grab hers but stops himself. "Klaus took my phone, but I was able to call the voicemail, get the messages. You- they kept me going, Elena, those moments when I thought, when I thought I couldn't go on your messages kept me alive. I just... I called your phone a couple of times-"

"I knew it," Elena sat up and faces him. "I knew it was you."

"Just hearing your voice, knowing you and Damon and everyone were safe, that meant everyone," he forces himself to look at her. "So I did everything Klaus told me to do."

Elena grasps his hand and squeezes it. "Do you remember what I said, however many months ago? I don't want to be apart, Stefan, not anymore, not ever."

She knows what she's saying, implying, they both know what her words really mean. Stefan looks at her and thinks that despite her tearstained face and deep circles under her eyes, the messy hair, maybe because of all of that, she's the most beautiful woman he's ever seen or ever will see. In that moment, hearing her ask him to stay, really stay, confirm what he knew the moment he tried to leave, perhaps what'd he known all along, that Elena is the woman he will be happy, joyous to spend the rest of his life with. Just as Elena knows that despite the pain, despite all the deaths and violence, they could get through that, that she needs Stefan in her life.

Stefan asks, his voice thick with emotion, "Are you sure?"

"I love you," Elena answers.

"I love you," he says and this time he's more than willing to let the words out. As before, they fall against each other, Elena burying her face against Stefan's chest and then Stefan pulls her on top of them and their lips meet and Stefan kisses her, really kisses her, for the first time in months. It's not enough for Elena- one kiss from Stefan will never be enough for Elena.

It's only later that she asks sleepily, "Wait. You were chained. How did you-?"

A sheepish expression comes across his face. "Well, they are kind of old..."

Elena strokes his chest. "You didn't break a wall, did you?"

"Uh..."

"It's okay," Elena smiles. "I'm glad you did."

On Monday afternoon, as planned, Elena packs up her stuff, ready to head back to Mystic Falls. This time Stefan insists on carrying her bag to the car, putting it carefully in the backseat as if it contained gold or jewels rather than dirty clothes.

"You ready?" Elena asks, locking the door and hopping down the steps. "We can take another day or two-"

"It's okay- I'll be okay," Stefan reassures her. "Besides," he says with a small smile, "don't you think Caroline would kill you if you missed your own birthday party?"

Elena groans, stopping in front of Stefan. "I'm still not looking forward to that."

"Oh come on," Stefan rubs her hip. "There'll be presents..."

"I already got the best present," Elena says softly, leaning up to kiss him as she wraps her arms around him. "You."

Keeping their hands clasped, they get into the car and start driving, back to regular life, back to family and friends, back to Mystic Falls. Back to home.