Still Dolls

"Tsubasa?"

Kaname reached out his hand and placed it on top of Tsubasa's unmoving ones. The nurse that just left told him Tsubasa has been at his bedside since yesterday, when his last attack came. So it only means he's been beside him for five days now. He's been missing classes, and Kaname didn't like that.

"Tsubasa, hey. Wake up Shadow."

"Mm… what?" Tsubasa stirred and awoke, but upon focusing, his blue eyes widened at the sight of Kaname's happy face staring at him. It looked as if he wasn't surged with an attack yesterday at all. "Kaname! Goodness, thank goodness you are awake, you had me worrying, you know!"

"You haven't come to class for five days," Kaname chided him. "Go away and go back to school. You're gonna lose stars if you keep skipping classes."

"Does it really look like I give a damn about those stars right now Kaname?" Tsubasa all but glared at his best friend, who returned it with equal fervor. The Shadow sighed and bowed his head, breaking away from Kaname's angry gaze. "Look, let me be. I won't be able to study well enough anyway, not when you get your surges every now and then. It's creepy and depressing all the time at the Academy when I hear you're back in some hospital."

Kaname had to see his point, and he just sighed as well. "How's Bear?"

It took a while for Tsubasa to reply, but Kaname felt a little happier with the answer. "Mikan's babysitting him for me. They're getting along pretty well now, but Bear still welcomes her with a punch. I think it's become customary for both of them."

Kaname closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Glad to hear that. And Misaki? Have you at least asked her out already?"

Tsubasa laughed and brushed off his question. "How could you think of stuff like that now? You idiot."

"Hey, at least you know I care!" Kaname's eyes glittered at his own words, while Tsubasa shrugged in exasperation. "You can stop being such a melodramatic freak already, Kaname," the Shadow told him. Then his tone grew serious. "How do you feel?"

Kaname sighed and laid back his bed. "Better."

Tsubasa growled. "You always say that to pacify my worry. At least be honest, how do you really feel, Kaname?"

Kaname's eyes softened at Tsubasa's question. Really, the guy knew him too well. He had no choice but to answer him truthfully. "You want blunt answers, well fine. For the record, I think I'm really about to die this time, and that's without question. I always used to wonder if it's true that people can feel their deaths coming, but now I think I understand them."

He closed his eyes and smiled just as he caught his best friend's eyes darken at his words. Tsubasa let out breath he had been holding. "How long do you think you have?"

"Oh, I don't know," Kaname jovially replied as he opened his eyes; Tsubasa's glared deepened. "Give or take a few weeks, maybe, I'm not sure. I might even have only hours left."

Tsubasa shook his head in refusal. "Stop it, Kaname. Just… stop."

Kaname eyed him defiantly. "What? You wanted to know."

Tsubasa took the bonnet off his head and let out another stream of heavy breath. Kaname closed his eyes and prayed that somehow Tsubasa would come to terms with the concept of his death. They've been friends for so long now, and given that knowledge Kaname hoped that at least Tsubasa would accept it already. It hurt enough that he could see him suffering without thinking of how badly he'd grieve once he leaves him.

He remembered something. "Hey, Tsubasa, open the left drawer for me."

Tiredly, Tsubasa complied silently, drawing out an ornate box and laying it beside Kaname's right hand. Kaname opened the box and Tsubasa sharply inhaled once he saw what was in it. Kaname whistled as he took it out and put it on his lap.

"Kaname, you would not dare."

Kaname only hummed happily. "You know, this is the first doll I ever made after Bear. I always wanted to keep it a doll, just a plain doll, you know? For a change. But I think now is probably the time to give life to this still doll. I think I'll call her… Emma. Yeah, Emma sounds like a good name."

Kaname raised his hand to the doll when Tsubasa's furious cry came. "Kaname, no!" He slapped the doll away from Kaname's hand and it flew a good few feet away, landing with a small, indignant flump on the carpeted floor.

Kaname sighed and stared at the door where the doll landed. Tsubasa could not understand.

Forcing out all his energies, Kaname deigned to get off his bed and walk towards the doll. Tsubasa did not stop him. He picked up the object and held it in his hands, observing it.

It was a really simple doll. Its long brunette hair was made of brown yarn darned clumsily by a child's hand. It wore a red dress, patched up from a kitchen rag, and its shoes were made of spare leather. He remembered sewing it with Bear's help back then. It was a doll, an ordinary girl doll, but he had always thought it was made for something far more than what is perceived to be its worth.

Now, Kaname thought he finally knew what it was made for.

Tsubasa was just looking at him quietly, pleading him not to do what he knew Tsubasa knew he was about to do, but instead of doing anything else, he went back to bed and lay down beside the doll, then decided he'd drift off to sleep.

"I love you, Tsubasa. Take care of yourself, and take care of Misaki, okay?"

Tsubasa grunted. "Stop talking like it's your last day on Earth, will you?"

Tsubasa should have known then how right he was.

When Tsubasa awoke the next morning, it was to an odd sound; he saw a peacefully sleeping Kaname, and smiled. But then he realized what was wrong: the beeping sound. He looked at the monitor. The line was flat.

He called the nurses, and they rushed in as he was ushered out the room. It was chaos inside. It was chaos within him as well. He could not believe what had just happened. A fourth attack in six days. Kaname could not leave him. He refused to think Kaname was about to leave him.

He sat down beside the door and hugged his knees tightly, drawing them tightly against his chest. He stared at some void in front of him and fought back the heat that threatened to spill from his eyes. He was alone, quite alone, and nobody in the Academy knew where he was, not even Misaki… he was alone. From inside he heard the doctors call out to nurses, and from the sounds of it, things weren't going well.

He wondered what could have possibly triggered Kaname's attack—and the he realized another thing. The doll was missing.

As if on cue, however, he felt a sharp tug at the hem of his shirt, and he looked down and saw the doll right beside him, her hands behind her back and her button eyes staring at him curiously.

"Emma?" he whispered to the doll. She smiled brightly, then opened her sewn mouth to speak. She had an adorable voice that strangely resembled Mikan's.

"Tsubasa-nii, Kaname-sama says he will kill you if you hurt Misaki-chan, and that you should always watch over Mikan-chan and Natsume-kun, and you should always remember Bear and you should not forget about keeping watch over Class B. He says to make sure you never forget his final orders. He told me to tell you that he's sorry for the last time, and he wants me to tell you he loves you, again and again and again until my throat hurts from saying it everyday. He also says he's sorry, and he hopes that you don't blame him for whatever happens to him. He also wants to tell you goodbye, and he told me to tell you that he's sorry he couldn't say goodbye personally, because he could never have said those words to you anyway. And he really loves you."

The doll was gasping for breath when she finished her message, but Tsubasa was gasping for another reason. All the air left his lungs and all he found he could do was to hold the doll in his arms tightly, while he waited for the verdict on his best friend's life.

Kaname.