CHAPTER 21: I Can't Live

Rachel's POV

She's lying…She still loves me; I know it. Blinking for the first time since she started talking, I sigh and compose myself. I did the right thing…She's doing the right thing, now. She's grown so much since that day I left her standing on my lawn. I can see the difference in the way she carries herself, back straight, shoulders squared, head facing straight ahead; ready for the future. The way she speaks so confidently, mature, with a new sense of pride, it's the result of all the hard work she's been doing…and it's being done for the right reasons.

This is what I wanted, so why aren't I happy? Sure, I'm happy for her; she's on her way to success…and away from me. I shake my head and walk down the hall to the auditorium to be alone, instead of meeting Finn for lunch. Finn. My boyfriend. I wince as Quinn's face reappears in my thoughts, telling me that she's happy for me. Happy that I'm happy with Finn. I know she meant it, or at least wanted to, but she wasn't aware of how pained she looked as she spoke those words. She isn't aware of how pained I am behind these all-for-show moments with Finn. With Finn things are simple, routine, predictable, boring; there's no thrill, no intensity…I smile because it's the only thing that challenges me about our relationship, trying to appear happy, intrigued…with Finn. To be honest, the only reason I've stayed with him this long is because I needed to push Quinn away, so she could focus on herself, not me. I guess that plan worked out…maybe a little too well. Like I said, I know she still loves me, but I've pushed her so far, she doesn't see the point in making the journey back to me. I don't blame her.

I walk onto the stage and look out into the empty seats, closing my eyes as I step into the spotlight. I imagine she's sitting in the first row, middle seat, looking up at me with her eyes attentive and wide…

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"No, I can't forget this evening/Or your face as you were leaving/But I guess that's just the way the story goes."

I've practiced this song enough times during lunch and well into fifth period to get this down just the way I want it. Every word has its meaning and they all fit so perfectly. Now, I'm standing in front of the Glee Club, as they watch me perform. My eyes closed, and my body still, while my heart swings like a pendulum, counting each second that I know that she's staring at me, even if I can't see it. She's staring with her emotions pulled back, disguised by a half-raised smile…

"You always smile, but in your eyes your sorrow shows/Yes, it shows."

I finally open my eyes and the first thing I see is Quinn's green gaze turning down to the ground after obviously being caught staring with such an intensity that it's difficult to not feel something in my heart for her.

"No, I can't forget tomorrow/When I think of all my sorrow..."

I take a small hesitant step toward the first row, in front of the empty chair that she's sitting behind and she instinctively looks up and squares her shoulders, prepared to prove that she is just fine despite everything that I've done to her…

"When I had you there, but then I let you go/ and now it's only fair that I should let you know/What you should know."

I tell her; and only her…

"I can't live, if living is without you/I can't live; I can't give anymore/I can't live, if living is without you/I can't give; I can't give anymore."

She's being strong; her jaw is flexing as she works to keep her lips from dipping in a pout. She refuses to break eye-contact, even though I can tell it's hard for her to look at me sing in front of her…in front of everyone…in front of my boyfriend, who is swaying in his seat, clueless to what's going on.

"Well, I can't forget this evening/Nor your face as you were leaving/But I guess that's just the way the story goes…"

Her eyes glide over to Finn, which is all it takes for her contained tears to slip. She uses her forearm to wipe them from her cheeks, then furrows her brow and avoids me all together. I can see the confusion and the emotion all over her beautiful face. I know she's wondering why I'm singing to her, why I'm staring at her; I know she's wondering if it's a trick, if this is really happening or if she's imagining it. It's trademark for her; that smile she gives when she's extremely lost or in utter disbelief.

"You always smile, but in your eyes your sorrow shows/Yes, it shows…"

I take the steps necessary to stand directly in front of her, without climbing over the empty chair. I hear her breath catch in her throat, and her eyes widen upon my approach…Yes, Quinn, this is real; I am singing this to you…

"I can't live, if living is without you/I can't live; I can't give anymore/I can't live, if living is without you/I can't live; I can't give anymore/Ohhhhhh…No, No, No, No, I can't live, if living is without you/I can't live; I can't give anymore/ I can't live…."

I hear the applause as a sound in the distance. I hear my shallow breaths muffled by rain blurring my vision. A smudge of pink is still in sight behind my tears and when I blink them away she's staring at me with that stare she reserves for only me. It's so intense; I can't control my heart from pounding viciously against my chest.

"Whoa!" A voice booms into my ear. Quinn's attention quickly shifts over to my boyfriend standing next to me looking between me and the punk. "Why are you singing to Quinn?"

"Ain't it obvious? I mean, c'mon Finn, I know you're dumber than a bag of shit, but even you have to see what's going on," Puck answers, since I haven't even moved my eyes away from Quinn.

"What are you saying that you can't live with her or something?" Finn asks me. I don't have to turn and observe him to know that he has his eyes squinted and his mouth slightly open, with his chest puffed out like a chicken. "Rachel! I'm asking you a question!"

"Hey, calm down, Finn, be cool" Mr. Schuster butts-in.

"I'm tired of being cool!" He shouts at the curly-haired man. "Answer me!"

"Just leave her alone!" Quinn snaps, standing from her chair, causing Puck, Mike, and Santana to stand just as quickly in case they have to break up another fight between them.

"Everyone stop!" I yell, breaking out of my daze. "I'm sorry, Finn, but Noah is right; it should be obvious that I sang to Quinn for a reason."

"Oh yeah?" He questions, ducking his head to get my attention; I've yet to look away from her. "And what reason is that?" He's not raising his voice, anymore, but it's evident that he's still angry.

"I don't want to be with you, Finn. I'm breaking up with you. I'm sorry for dragging it out this way, but I can't do it anymore." I finally meet his eyes and he's beyond pissed.

"What the hell is your problem, Rachel!" He screams, "You can't make up your damn mind, so you humiliate me in front of everyone? ! Why do you let her brainwash you like this? !"

"Back off, Hudson!" The pink-haired girl orders, as she steps around the chair blocking them from each other. "I had no idea this was going to happen. If anything I told her I was happy for you guys, so just-"

"Stop lying to me!" The taller one yells and kicks the empty chair, so the leg bangs into Quinn's shin.

"Stop kicking shit!" Santana yells, practically rushing over to shield Quinn, who is shielding me.

"Stop butting into my business!" Finn shouts back.

"Stop, Finn," Mr. Schu attempts to control the situation.

"Stop yelling at chicks, dude!" Puck growls, pushing Finn away from the three of us.

"Stop the violence," Brittany says, as Mr. Schu tries to break-up the shoving match between the two boys.

"Finn!" Kurt shouts over everyone. He gives his step-brother a look that is more of a warning. Finn scrunches his face up and shakes his head at everyone, even the ones who are sitting stunned by the entire spectacle.

"Forget this! I'm out of here!" He turns on his heel and stomps toward the door, kicking the sheet stand on the way out.

"This is all your fault, Berry!" Santana spits, turning around and pointing an accusing finger at me.

Quinn holds her wrist. "San, don't," she tells the girl, but she ignores her.

"You can't just leave her alone, can you? Always gotta be playing with her emotions and shit!"

"Santana, I assure you that-"

"Save it, Hobbit! She's fine without you, she's in a good place and she doesn't need your dramatic, two-timing, split personality, psychotic ass shitting all over her parade! Got it?"

"Rachel, I don't think that about you those are her words, not mine." Quinn adds, glaring at her friend.

"Don't look at me like that, Quinnie," she scoffs, "You don't need her; tell her!"

Quinn's POV

"Girls, c'mon, that's enough," that useless teacher says, with a tired sigh. "We need to come back together and be a group and stop all this back-stabbing and whatever this…" he waves his hands at us "...is."

"Let's go somewhere private, please?" I ask, Rachel.

Santana throws her arms up and shakes her head. "It's your funeral, Quinnie," she mutters, as plops back down next to Britt.

I feel embarrassed as everyone watches Rachel and I walk out, like they know I'm going to take her back like nothing. I want to. I want to take her back and act like nothing bad ever happened, but I can't.

It's no surprise to me that we end up in the auditorium. She always looks extra beautiful in this room, as if her talent naturally bursts out of her pores anytime she's near a stage, creating a soft glow around her. I watch her settle into a seat and I take the one beside it.

"That didn't go like I had planned it to," she says, with her eyes closed tight and a deep wrinkle in her brow.

"What did you expect?" I quietly ask. "You can't sing a song like that to someone else, in front of your boyfriend. I mean, I don't even understand why you did it in the first place. You told me you didn't want me, and now you're telling me that you can't live without me?"

"I'm sorry, Quinn," she turns in her seat and she places one of her warm tan hands on one of my cold pale ones. "I completely understand if you hate me or think that I'm crazy. I've being jerking you around, unable to make up my mind, but I know for sure that I want you, now."

I study the way her small hand flexes as she grips mine, as she speaks. I want to kiss it, each tiny knuckle, each fingertip. A shiver travels down my spine, as I remember the way those fingertips grazed my skin, before…Before all this drama. I miss that.

"I miss you, Rachel…when things were much simpler than they are now. It seems so long ago; the day in the library." I can't help but laugh a breathy laugh, "How did we get here?"

"We can fix us; we just need to focus on the positives like how perfectly our hands fit and how our lips move so effortlessly against each other, like this…"

I turn away before she can touch my mouth with hers.

"Quinn…Please," she leans in some more, but catches my jaw instead.

"I can't do this, Ra-"

"Just let me show you that I mean it," she pleads, as her voice cracks and her eyes water.

"A kiss isn't going to show me anything but the fact that you're an amazing kisser and that I turn to mush when you do put your lips to mine," I explain and grasp her hand in both of mine, lifting it up, so I can kiss it. "I think we both need time to discover who we are, then maybe we'll see if this still feels like it's meant to be."

"How long?"

She looks so sad, but still so pretty. "Until we're both happy being alone."

"That makes no sense," she replies shaking her head. "Quinn, I'm not happy unless I'm with you!"

"Exactly!" I kiss her hand, again. "You need to spend some time alone and not rely on others to make you happy." She just continues shaking her head and frowning. "I'll wait for you…"

"What if someone better comes-"

"Don't worry about that...I'll still be around. We can be friends…If you want?"

I watch her sniffle and I try not to smile, but she just looks so adorable. "I would like that."

"Okay," I run my thumb across her knuckles and I have to fight myself to not lean over and kiss her wet cheek.

"What about Finn?" She asks, frowning. "And Santana, for that matter," she adds, a bit frightened.

"Don't worry about them. I'll talk to San. Finn, he'll stay away for a while, just like before…I just hope you don't go back to him, this time around."

"Oh, believe me, I won't," she says, looking disgusted by the thought.

I want to believe her, but that's what she said last time…

"So, do you want to hang out at my house, tonight?...Friend." She asks half-joking and half-serious.

I laugh and pat her hand. "Not tonight, Rach; I have a big test in History tomorrow, so I wanted to put in some extra study time."

She frowns, but nods in understanding.

"Maybe later this week, after I talk to San…we can all hang out, do something fun. It's been a while since I've gone out. I've been spending all my free time doing homework," I suggest, as I stand and stretch; she giggles. "What?"

"Nothing," she smiles and stands up, "You've changed so much, that's all."

I furrow my brow and duck my head, "Yeah, people keep telling me that, calling me a dweeb and a nerd and-"

"No, I think it's cute," she interrupts, grazing my jaw with her fingertips, "and kind of sexy."

"Really?" I squeak, and then cough to try and play it off.

She nods and winks, before grabbing her shoulder bag and brushing past me to exit the auditorium. "I'll see you later…buddy."

/END CHAPTER\

**Alright, so I took forever with this one because I couldn't find the right song for Rachel to sing to Quinn. I still feel kind of blah about it, but oh well, what can I do, ya know? (Song: "Without You" Mariah Carey cover, originally by Air Supply) It'll be on my tumblr if you want to hear it.

Anyway, I hope you were entertained. Also, I wonder if you see what I'm doing here, with Q & R…Rachel helped Quinn, now Quinn helps Rachel. If you have any questions, comments, concerns, etc drop a review or you can ask me on tumblr.

THANKS, LOVELIES!