The Rise of Caligula

Ahmose Inarus

I do NOT own Criminal Minds, but I do own Caligula. ^_^

Hotch/Reid pairing

Quantico, Virginia

Dawn

It was a beautiful morning. A crisp, cool November Sunday. Mist hung in the air over the frosty grass, and the horizon was tinged pink with the rising sun. The door to a stone house opened and out stepped Spencer Reid. Normally one to sleep in, Reid had been exhausted after coming home from a case the previous afternoon and had gone to bed at seven pm. He slept eleven hours straight, and now he was bright eyed and bushy tailed and ready for his morning jog.

He turned on his iPod, put the buds into his ears and headed down the front walk. He stepped through the little country garden gate and took off down the side of the road at an easy lope. He took a deep breath and couldn't help the smile on his face. The world was perfect today… well, maybe not the whole world… but HIS world was. He felt loose and free. He vaguely wondered if perhaps it was because less than twenty four hours ago, he had been brought to orgasm by the hand of his lover… a hand that had not touched him so intimately in nearly six months. But he had been healing, and yesterday had been the first time that he had desired his lover's touch without it being marred by fear or anxiety. And it was WONDERFUL.

He could feel the wonderful chemicals rushing through his veins as he thought back on yesterday afternoon… adrenaline, endorphins… He felt lighter than air, as though he could spread invisible wings and take flight. He wanted to scream out into the silence… no words… just a joyful cry for the world to hear… he was ALIVE. And it was good.

He turned the corner and headed for the park, and the miles of walking and hiking trails that were there…

He didn't see the figure watching him… the keen eyes and quivering nose… He didn't hear the warning jingle over his music. He did not know that he was under attack until it was too late…

"YAP! YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP!"

"What the-?" Reid exclaimed, startled. Then, something entangled itself somewhere around his ankles, jerked on his pants, and he went tumbling to the ground. "UNNF!" He lay there for a moment, dazed, then realized something was tugging his pants. Immediately his breathing hitched, his heart stopped and his eyes grew wide and unfocused as his mind was assaulted by the thought that someone was going to strip his pants away, pin him down, force his legs open and…

No.

He blinked and shook his head, forcing that away. He twisted over and looked down. And nearly laughed in relief. There was no cruel face sneering at him… no hands reaching for him… instead, he saw black curly fur.

It was a poodle! Maybe ten pounds of little angry dog!

… Ten pounds of little angry dog ripping his pants!

"Hey!"

"Arrnnnaarrr!"

"… get off!"

"HRRRRR!"

"OFF!" Reid shouted, kicking his leg.

"ARP!" Yelped the dog. It shook its head, and then charged.

"ACK!" Reid yelped, much like the dog, scrambling to his feet and RUNNING.

"YAP!" Came the battle cry from behind him, and his eyes widened as he heard the jingling of the dog's collar and the clicking of its claws on the pavement. "YAP YAP YAP YAP!"

"GET AWAY!" Reid howled, charging past a woman getting the paper in her bathrobe. She blinked, watching the young man doing a funny half-run half-leap trying to keep away from the little dog. Reid felt his face burning in humiliation as he had to do some kind of stupid looking pirouette across the street in front of a car filled with a church going family. He could HEAR the kids howling with laughter in the back seat, and then as the car passed, he could hear the mother say, "That's what happens to heathens who don't go to church."

Right. As if God's Holy Judgment was to sic a poodle on someone… No no… this was something God was doing just for shits and giggles… who said the man upstairs didn't have a sense of humor? Of course, Reid always felt like the butt of a large percentage of cosmic jokes…

Reid leapt and hopped down the side walk, trying to keep both feet up in the air and away from that little ankle-biter as much as possible. Damn that dog, he just would NOT stop coming!

"Come on! Be a good dog! Go back to your yard! Please?" Reid begged. "OW!" But the dog seized the hem of his pants and Reid tumbled again. Then there was a ripping. "MY SOCK!"

Sure enough, the little dog had a scrap of his sock, and was now snarling and shaking his head, whipping the scrap around. Reid took the opportunity to RUN. The little dog yapped angrily and went bounding after him. Reid reached the playground and leapt up onto the wooden castle, scrambling up onto one of the bridges. Then, from five feet up, he stared down at the dog who was barking angrily and jumping up and down.

Panting, Reid pushed some of his hair out of his face. "You won't reach me up here." He told the dog. "Chances are, the highest you can jump is…"

Reid trailed off… was he really lecturing a dog? "… Look, just… go away. Please?" After a few minutes, the dog finally turned and bounded across the grass, returning to the scrap of Reid's sock. He picked it up and shook it again. Reid then noticed an old Mercury Grand Marquis coming up the street. Then, he heard a shrill voice.

"Mr. Henri Matisse, what are you DOING?" The dog looked up, then bounded over to the car and leapt into the door when it opened. Then the car drove away. Reid let out a sigh, dropped to the ground and headed off to run the trails.

When he got home, Hotch was up.

"Hey!" the man chuckled, snagging Reid around the waist when he ran past him, pulling him back and pressing a kiss to his lips. "Give me your clothes, I'm doing laundry."

"Are you really?" Reid asked, grinning. "Or are you just trying to get me to strip for you."

"I really am! The stripping is just an added bonus." Hotch said innocently. Reid laughed and pulled off his jacket, then his CalTech sweatshirt. When he toed off his shoes, Hotch frowned.

"What the hell happened to your pants?"

"A poodle happened." Reid snorted. "Ruined my sock!"

"… Really?"

"Really! A damned poodle chased me down the street! I think he was out for blood!" Reid cried. Hotch just laughed, gathering Reid's clothes as they were removed until the boy stood naked in the front hall.

"I would pay to see that." Hotch snickered.

"Ass."

"Go take a warm shower. You look cold."

"Stop staring at my crotch!"

"… You look cold."

"ASS!" Reid cried, throwing his hands up into the air and running up the stairs. Hotch grinned, watching the retreating buttocks, but couldn't help but to call after his lover, "Come see me when your balls drop into place again!"

"FUCK YOU!" Reid shouted back. Hotch just laughed and took the clothes to the laundry, then went to make hot coffee. Then he began to sautee some tomatoes, bell peppers, spinach, mushrooms and onions in a pan, and then began to scramble some eggs in with them. Finally, he sprinkled in some cheese, salt and pepper. He was tossing it for a final cooking when long arms curled around his waist.

"That looks fantas—is that spinach?"

"Gotta get you to eat it SOME how." Hotch chuckled, grinning at the punch to his shoulder.

"I hate spinach!"

"It's good for you. Good source of iron."

"… Don't MAKE me give you lecture on the health benefits of spinach."

"Then just shut up and eat it." Hotch grinned, putting their breakfast onto plates. Reid sighed and plopped down in his chair, staring.

"… Just knowing that there is spinach present ruins it."

"Oh, shut up and eat it. Jack is better about it than you."

"You are just saying all the wrong things this morning." Reid observed, and Hotch smirked.

"You," said the elder, "are taking things far too seriously this morning."

"I got attacked by a dog, I'm allowed to be moody."

"A poodle!"

"It was a MEAN poodle!"

"How big?"

"… I dunno, ten, fifteen pounds? SHUT UP!" Reid cried, glaring at Hotch as the man laughed, then choked on his eggs. Reid glared. "You had better get that out of your windpipe, because I am NOT feeling nice enough to do the Heimlich Maneuver on you." Hotch coughed a couple of times, then wiped his mouth. He shot his grouchy little mate an amused smile, eyes sparkling.

"… I love you." He said, suddenly.

"I love you too." Reid said with a small smile. "… You're still in trouble."

"I can live with that. As long as you forgive me eventually."

"… I do forgive you." Reid told him. "But you're still in trouble." Hotch chuckled and finished his breakfast, and Reid did the same.

"… Can't even taste the spinach, can you?" Hotch asked after a moment.

"… You can do the dishes yourself." Reid snorted, getting up, pouring another coffee and leaving the room. Hotch grinned.

"Yes sir." He said, and cleaned up the kitchen. He had to admit… he even found pissy Reid amusing and endearing in his own way. When he was done, he found Reid moving the clothes from the washer, to the dryer. He smiled and wrapped his arms around the boy's middle, kissing his cheek.

"Aren't WE the domestic couple today…" He murmured.

"Get off." Reid snorted, grinning.

"Babe, we need to go to the store today."

"Alright. Just… let's get some work done around the house first."

"sure." Hotch said, and so they did. Finally, the pair dressed and climbed into the car. As they drove through the neighborhood, Reid suddenly sat up.

"Hey! There it is!"

"Huh?"

"that evil little dog!" Hotch turned and looked at where Reid was pointing. There was an old woman struggling to get her recycling out to the curb, and sitting in the front yard was a black poodle… humping a gray poodle. "Oh… That's classy…." Reid snorted, and Hotch grinned. He pulled over. "what are you doing?" Reid asked, and watched as Hotch got out and walked over to the woman, taking the recycling from her.

"I've got it." He said with a smile, and she blinked up at him, adjusted her glasses, and then grinned.

"Well well…" She said. "Be still my old heart… not often a handsome fellow like yourself comes to my rescue these days." And Hotch smiled, taking her recycling to the curb.

"I'm Aaron Hotchner. I live around the corner from you." Hotch said.

"Ruth Calahan." The woman greeted, shaking Hotch's hand. "I've lived here since back when this was a nice neighborhood the FIRST time around!" Hotch grinned at that.

"Your dogs?" He asked, nodding to the dogs still copulating on the lawn.

"Why yes, they—MISTER HENRI MATISSE, YOU KNOW BETTER!" And she scurried over to the hose lying across the lawn, picked up the head and squeezed the lever, sending water shooting at the dogs. The little poodles yelped and ran. Hotch quirked an eyebrow as the woman looked back at him, looking appropriately embarrassed.

"I swear…" she sighed, shaking her head. "Who's the young man with you?" And she peered past Hotch into the car. Hotch waved Reid over, and the doctor got out of the car and shuffled across the lawn.

"Miss Calahan—"

"Oh, please, you'll make me blush! It's Mrs. Calahan if you must, but please, just Ruth."

"Well, Ruth, this is Spencer." Hotch said, and Reid gave the woman a shy wave. Then came the barking. The black poodle came charging across the lawn, eyes on Reid.

"AAAH!" Reid cried, and ran for the car. He ran around the vehicle twice, the dog on his heels, then leapt up onto the hood. The dog began bouncing up and down, barking and snarling.

"MISTER HENRI MATISSE, YOU KNOW BETTER!"

But the dog didn't listen. And then, he managed to scramble up ONTO the hood of the car.

"AH!" Reid yelped, and leapt off, diving into the car and slamming the door. Hotch sighed, watching the dog circling the car, trying to find a way in.

"My goodness…" Ruth gasped. "What has gotten IN to him! I've never seen him react to someone like that!"

Hotch grinned, saying "We call it the Reid Effect." He told her. "Happens with animals and small children. We don't know what it is, but poor Spencer gets things like this all the time."

"Poor boy." Ruth sighed. The poodle had given up and trotted over by that point, and began sniffing Hotch's shoes.

"Well, I should be going. Have to go the store."

"Oh, yes." Ruth sighed. "I need to make a trip myself, when I'm feeling up to it."

"Can we pick anything up for you?" Hotch offered, kindly. She blinked, and her eyes lit up.

"Oh, WOULD you?"

"Sure. What can I get?"

"I'll be right back!" And she ran into the house. Hotch blinked, then looked down, and stared… the black poodle was humping his leg. He made a face, and stepped away. The dog followed. And then, Ruth came back out and handed him a piece of paper. Hotch glanced over the short list, then smiled and nodded to her.

"I'll be back in an hour or so."

"Oh, wait! Let me write you a check!"

"We can settle it when we get back." Hotch said, kicking the poodle away.

"Well… alright…" Ruth sighed, and Hotch returned to the car.

"… that dog was humping you." Reid announced as they drove away.

"… Shut up."

"You know, humping isn't always a sexual action for dogs, a lot of the time it's about establishing dominance and—"

"Reid… I do NOT want a lecture on the humping activity of dogs!"

"Oh… Sorry…"

When they returned to the store, they stopped to drop off the groceries for old Ruth. And when they got there, Reid raised his eyebrows. The dog was humping the mailman's leg. The mailman sighed and pulled a squirt gun out of his pocket and sprayed the dog, then went about his business… it was obviously normal for him.

"My God…" Reid breathed.

"What?" Hotch asked.

"He's Caligula."

"… WHAT? Wait, never mind. Tell me later." Hotch said, getting out of the car as Reid opened his mouth. Reid sat in the safety of the car as Hotch carried the groceries to the door, spoke with Ruth, and Reid watched as she pressed a box into his hands, beaming. The whole time, the dog was humping Hotch's leg.

When Hotch returned to the car, he smiled. "She baked us cookies." He said, and Reid rolled his eyes, but he was smiling too. "Snickerdoodles."

"Ooh!" Reid perked up.

The pair got home, put their groceries away, finished the laundry, and then spent the rest of the day together. A couple hours of that was spent in the hammock out back, with Reid curled up against his elder lover's chest, their legs entwined, nibbling at the snickerdoodles.

The next morning, Hotch was brewing coffee when Reid returned from his run… He had a very bitchy scowl on his face, and was walking with a slight limp.

"Are you okay?" Hotch asked, noting Reid was missing his shoe.

A moment later, there was a knock on the door. Hotch blinked, and opened it. Ruth stood there, looking guilty.

"… I believe this is yours…" She said, offering Reid his sneaker. Down at her feet, the black poodle growled upon sight of Reid. "STOP THAT! I have no idea how he got it! But I saw you passing with only one shoe, and then he came in with it!"

"Caligula took it right off of my foot!" Reid cried, taking his shoe. "… Thank you for returning it."

"… Okay… NOW I have to know… Why Caligula?" Hotch asked, grinning. Ruth blinked, confused.

"… Because! He's either humping the other dogs, humping the mailman's leg, humping YOUR leg, or trying to mutilate and kill me! He's like the Emperor Caligula!"

"I… don't understand." Ruth mumbled as Hotch burst out laughing. The dog barked angrily at Reid.

"Thank you for bringing his shoe back." Hotch finally said. "You have a good day, Mrs. Calahan. We have to get ready for work."

"Oh… of course dear, have a good day." And she shuffled away. Hotch closed the door and grinned at Reid who scowled at him.

"He's a violent, psychotic sexual deviant." Reid snapped, and Hotch burst out laughing again. "SHUT UP!"

"Come on, Spencer… let's get to work."

And that is how the blood feud between Reid and the neighbor's poodle began...

And check out the new chapter of Knights of the Old Republic!

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