To Mend and Not to Fix

Summary: The only thing standing between Emily and her official return to the BAU is a short meeting with Hotch and a few forms to sign; a mere formality… or is it? Set after episode 7x01 "It takes a Village" and before 7x02.

Emily/Hotch friendship, Missing scene/Episode tag

Rating: K for everyone!

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds and its characters belong to CBS, I don't own anything. This is for entertainment only.

Author's note: I just have to say it: I am so excited for season 7! The first two episodes we've had so far were great, but I was particularly excited about the season opener, and so was born this little piece of fanfiction. Nothing fancy, just a little discussion between Emily and Hotch, but I just had to write it! I started writing it before episode 2 aired though, so I was still going with the assumption that the rest of the team would still be reeling from the shock and Emily would try to fix things…

To Mend and Not to Fix

Emily knocked on the door with some trepidation. This was it. This upcoming meeting with Hotch was the last step towards her reinstatement to the BAU. All that was left to do was fill up a few forms, sign a few documents and have Hotch authenticate her oath-(re)taking with the official seal of his signature.

Half an hour, tops, and that was it.

Then she could start working on mending some fences with her fellow teammates and hopefully make things go back to what they used to be. She was more than aware that her lying and hiding and eventual return was a difficult pill to swallow for some of her friends, but she was determined to make things right again. Things would go back to the way they were before, she promised herself that.

That is, if Hotch could answer her knock…?

As he didn't appear to be in his office, Emily turned around to scan the bullpen in search of him and at that moment spotted him walking in long strides up the short flight of stairs, arms filled with an impressive amount of file folders.

"Emily, please go on in, I'll be with you in a second," he said as he met with her and opened the door to his office for her. "I just need to hand those off to Chief Strauss," he added with a pointed look that made Emily smile to herself.

She only had time to nod however before he dashed off again, walking with that same confidence and sense of purpose that seemed to permeate every aspect of his personality. She couldn't help but smile happily as she watched his all too familiar gait. God she was such a sap! But she couldn't help it, she had missed him, and she couldn't deny the heartfelt delight she felt at being back here among her friends. It felt therapeutic after all that time spent living a half-life abroad.

After one last content look around the bullpen, she followed Hotch's suggestion and entered his office, taking the opportunity to look around the room for a few seconds, trying to see whether he'd changed anything since she had left, but everything seemed to look the same. She grinned as she spotted the framed pictures of him and Jack, father and son smiling broadly for the camera in a display of happy emotions that Emily had rarely witnessed herself in Hotch.

As she moved backwards, her legs hit his desk and before she could stop it a couple of file folders fell to the ground, scattering files and sheets across the floor.

Cursing under her breath and shaking her head at her clumsiness, she quickly worked to recover the files and put them back in order as best she could while avoiding reading anything. She was successful until her eyes caught her name on a document. Thinking that maybe this was part of the paperwork she had to fill up, she looked more closely.

June 15th 2011

The loss of Agent Prentiss was hard on all of us, there is no denying the fact. However we all have our different ways of coping and upon the Bureau's request, these files attest of how each and every member of my team, including myself, have dealt with the aftermath of last May's events -

Suddenly realizing her mistake, Emily quickly averted her eyes from Hotch's typed-in report, and took a deep, steadying breath. Standing back up, she put the folder back on Hotch's desk, wondering why her hands were suddenly shaking as she took a seat in one of the chairs facing his desk. Inevitably, her eyes returned to the folder, just sitting there on the corner of the desk, as if daring her to pick it up again.

Emily was curious by nature, and the little voice in her head that suggested she should keep reading in order to better understand how to fix what she'd broken wasn't helping her to fight the impulse to keep reading. On the other hand, the folder's contents were not meant for her eyes, and more than that, there was something morbid about reading about how one's friends coped with one's death. Just knowing that she had caused them pain was enough to make her feel guilty for the rest of her days. Did she really need to have more details?

Yes, the little voice insisted. That way she could truly understand what her departure had put them through and then move on from there. It would be torture to read through this, but then again so would not reading. Giving a quick look over her shoulder at the door, Emily stood again and opened the folder with shaking fingers, easily finding where she had stopped.

"…have dealt with the aftermath of last May's events. Given those extraordinary circumstances, I believe that their reactions were justified and that whatever they are feeling now, they will work through the difficulties together – just as they have in the past. I was reprimanded on multiple occasions for not including my own evaluation in previous reports, but there will be no such oversight here. As unit chief, it is my duty and responsibility to protect this team and make sure that its members can function even under the most extreme of circumstances, yet that night I was unable to do either. Powerlessness, anger, even resentment were-

"Hey, sorry it took so long, I-"

Emily startled so much at the sound of Hotch's voice behind her that she actually jumped back guiltily and met his questioning and slightly accusing stare as his eyes travelled back and forth between her face and the open folder.

Emily blushed in shame at being so busted on her first day back and, before she could stop it, started babbling an apology. "I – sorry! I didn't mean to- I mean I thought it might be part of my paperwork so I-" she quickly stopped herself when she met his steady glare again and swallowed with difficulty. "Sorry."

"How much of this have you read?" he asked as he walked up to her and closed the folder before picking it up and putting it in his briefcase.

Emily kicked herself mentally as she watched him put the folder away from her prying eyes. Why oh why did she have to go against her better judgment and read something that was just so none of her business? Chest tight with guilt, she cleared her throat as she fidgeted with her hands. "Just a few lines. Again, I know this was wrong of me, and I apologize, I-"

"Prentiss, it's fine. I shouldn't have left those lying around. Please, have a seat," he said with more good humor than she had expected as he circled his desk and settled down behind the massive piece of furniture. He seemed to be rather ready to dismiss Emily's intrusion, but she couldn't do the same so easily. She couldn't help but feel like she had not only perused unauthorized files but also invaded the privacy of his own, extremely private, emotions. Yet despite her guilt she was still torn between pushing him to explain why he thought feelings of anger and resentment were justified, and avoiding any awkwardness and forget that she had read any of this. But how could she? Every word she had read was tinted with bitterness, and his clinical tone told her how much he had tried to distance himself from his emotions. She wished she could read more, if only to make sure that in time he had understood, that he had gotten over those feelings and come to forgive her.

"So how does it feel?" Hotch asked, bringing her back to the fact that he seemed to have already forgotten about it, which she assumed was good enough evidence of his forgiveness. Emily looked up into his eyes and met his unflinching stare, though the tiny quirk of the lips softened it a little.

Deciding that following his lead was probably the best thing to do, Emily gave him her full attention, throwing him a confused smile in reply as she shook her head. "Ha, ask me tomorrow… It's just… It's a little overwhelming. More so than I thought it would be. Things happened so fast."

He smiled as his hands searched the pile of files that had accumulated on his desk during his absence. "Yes, I can only imagine what this must be like for you."

Emily turned serious again as she looked down at her hands. "You know, for a while there I thought I would never make it back. I'll never be able to repay Morgan and Garcia for not giving up."

"Had you really? Given up?" he asked, almost distractedly, as his hands were still busy with his search.

Emily frowned as she considered this. "Maybe. I don't know. Depends on the days, I guess. Ups and downs."

"Yes, well it was probably- ha, here we go," he said victoriously as he apparently found what he was looking for and he handed her the forms she had to sign and fill up. He held her gaze for a beat after she took the forms from his fingers. "You know, I haven't had a chance to say it, but it's good to have you back." He raised a playful eyebrow. "Although I have to say, you got me a little concerned when you said you needed time to think about it."

His smile and earnest gaze were contagious and Emily couldn't help but chuckle a little. "Ha yes… Just trying to keep you on your toes," she joked.

He snorted playfully, once more amazing Emily with how… happy… he seemed to be. There were no other words for it, he looked happy, and Emily could only look at him with curiosity and maybe even a little wonder. Could she have caused this? Or was there something going on in his life that she wasn't aware of?

"Seriously, though," she went on after a second, "thank you for saying so. To be honest I wasn't sure you'd even want me back."

He looked confused. "What could possibly make you think that?"

Emily shrugged. "Isn't obvious? I left without any explanations, I broke your trust, and like Cramer said, I started a war that I couldn't finish on my own, and I had to drag you all down into the mess. And I-" She sighed in frustration. "Hotch, I lied."

"I think under the circumstances it's understandable."

"Do you really believe that?"

"Of course, why wouldn't I?"

She met his eyes squarely, but was unable to keep the grief and confusion from her voice. "Hotch… Anger and resentment?" she repeated as her eyes travelled to his briefcase and back to his face.

He tilted his head, his gaze sharpening. "You said you only read a few lines. Emily, exactly how many's a few?"

"That's as far as I got," she explained in the same quiet voice.

He heaved a long sigh and leaned back in his chair. "Well, if you'd read more you would have seen that my anger was directed at myself for not seeing what was going on with you sooner," he said, though she could tell from his sharp tone that he really didn't appreciate being put on the spot like this. However, now that he had opened the door, Emily wasn't quite ready to close it up quite yet.

"Hotch, are you really telling me that you weren't angry with me for leaving without a word? For burdening you with a secret that shouldn't have been yours? Are you telling me that you never wished JJ hadn't told you the truth?"

He studied her seriously for a second, almost suspiciously, as if wondering where she had gotten this information or if she'd read more than she had admitted.

She gave him a pointed, slightly offended look. "I'm a profiler, Hotch. And I'm good at what I do. Plus it's how I would have felt."

He nodded his acknowledgement of her point and looked down at the pen between his fingers. "Yes you're right. Maybe I was angry at first, but I soon realized that keeping a secret, no matter how hard it may prove to be, was a small price to pay to make sure that you were safe." His eyes met hers briefly, almost shyly as he finished his sentence.

A little dumbfounded by his quiet admission, Emily could only stare, struck speechless. Since when did Hotch ever open up about his emotions? Especially to her? Granted she had pushed him to confession, but she really hadn't met that much resistance from him. He seemed willing, if not eager, to talk about this, and it completely baffled her.

At that moment she realized that he had changed, that things hadchanged, and in more ways than she had first conceived. For a long time, she had been so eager to get back to her old life that she had been delusional enough to think that things would eventually go back to the way they had been before the whole thing. But that wasn't possible, was it? She could never erase what had happened, could never completely fix what had been broken. She could only try to mend it as best she could and adapt from there. But judging from Hotch's behavior, maybe not all changes would turn out bad. Maybe something good could come out of this, maybe they could all start to be more open and emotionally transparent with each other. Maybe this could unite them in a way that they had never known. No matter how family-like they had been before, maybe this could bring them all even closer.

"But anyways," Hotch started again in a more chipper tone, looking a little self-conscious from her staring, "if we want to make this official, we should probably get to work," he said as he gestured to the forms.

Emily stared at him for a little longer and slowly smiled to herself at the way he cleared his throat and avoided her eyes, as well as at the way his hands fidgeted as if looking for something to occupy his fingers. Though he was doing his best to hide it, his admission to her had made him self-conscious, and she found it delightfully endearing.

Letting him off the hook after a second or two, she followed his lead and started going through the forms, first filling them up and then passing them over to him so that he could sign them as well.

"So JJ's back, huh? That's so great," Emily said conversationally after a few minutes of silence.

Hotch sent her a proud smile across his desk. "Yes, and I have to say I've never seen a rookie profiler analyze and write up cases as well as she has."

Emily returned his smile. "Well, can't say I'm surprised there."

"No, neither am I."

There was another beat of silence, but Emily couldn't keep it up for very long. "Hotch listen… I am sorry that I read part of that report, I-"

He shook his head, interrupting her. "Emily, you said so yourself, you're good at what you do. Even though I can understand what prompted you to do it…You know as well as I do that you don't need to read this to figure out how your departure affected the team."

Emily let out a deflated sigh as his words sank in. Of course. He was right. She didn't need to read what he had written, because she already knew, instinctively, how each of her friends had reacted. Their responses to her return told her a lot about each of them and their feelings about the whole thing, but more than that, she just knew them.

"I guess you're right. I think maybe I was trying to find a solution. But there isn't one, is there?"

"You're working under the assumption that there is a problem to start with."

"Well, isn't there? I know they're angry, Hotch."

"Not with you. They might be mad at me, but not you."

"Well, see that's the thing! Why should you have to take the blame? I am the one who put you in that situation in the first place, you shouldn't have to pay the price for it in my stead!"

"Emily, I have a broad back, I think I can take it."

"My point is that you shouldn't have to."

He shook his head decisively. "I made the decision not to tell them that night, and I am fully prepared to face the consequences of that action. I always have been."

Emily sighed and gave him a studying look. "You're not going to let me win this one, are you?"

His lips quirked up just a tiny bit. "No."

They exchanged a look while Emily debated with herself whether to keep pushing the issue, but then decided against it. It was probably useless anyway, given Hotch's stubbornness. Instead she let it go and returned to the forms before her, focusing on her task in silence until she was done and she applied her signature to the last document. She handed it to Hotch with a flourish and he smiled a little as he took it from her fingers and signed it as well.

"Well, I guess this is it," he said as he rose to his feet. "Welcome back to the BAU, Agent Prentiss," he added, his smile widening as he extended his hand.

Emily chuckled a little at his formality but shook his hand nonetheless. "Thanks. It's wonderful to be back. So… I guess I'll see you tomorrow?"

"10am, as usual."

Emily gave him one last smile before making her way to the door. Before she walked out though, she turned to him one last time, finding him still smiling slightly and looking at her expectantly.

"And Hotch… I um- Thanks."

He seemed genuinely confused. "For what?"

Emily chuckled to herself with incredulity. For what? Pick one! For keeping her secret all this time? For doing everything he could to protect her, for allowing Morgan not to give up, for wanting and taking her back, for being happy that she was back, for forgiving her… the list went on, but in the end she only shrugged.

"For everything."

And on that Emily left his office, content with the newfound certitude that she was now officially, unmistakably, home.

The End!

Thanks for reading, hope you liked it! :-)