Prologue
1998
Somewhere in time and space
"Donna may I come in?" Ten knocked at the door to Donna's room. He was worried about her; he had been for a while now. Ever since the Library, and the whole incident with her fictional family. Yes Donna had told him she was fine, but in the same sentence she indicated she was far from that. So was he; but he moved on and got over it, and in doing so thought Donna would do the same; However to his dismay she didn't.
"Donna?" he questioned her name again, with a slight knock that jarred the door open. He could see her from where he stood. She was lying on the bed with her back to him, crying. It was something she'd been doing a lot lately; crying. "Donna; it's been over an hour... Are you okay?"
"Yes; yes I'm fine." Ten watched Donna scurry to sit up; wiping her eyes as she turned to him. Of course that did no good with them still red and puffy, but she had to at least try and continue her charade. "See I'm fine; took two aspirin and headaches gone. I'm fine."
"Are you sure?" Ten asked as he put his hands into his pants pockets and leaned against the wall. "Or is "I'm fine" Donna Noble's way of saying She's not fine?"
"Doctor,I'm fine."
"Donna, I heard you crying."
"I.. I wasn't crying." Donna wiped more tears from her eyes, then sniffled. "Doctor,I'm fine; maybe a little tired, but that's all. Nothing's wrong really."
"Donna, I know you." Ten paused as he walked over to Donna's bed, handing her a tissue before he sat down. "Something's wrong, and I need to know what it is."
"Why?" Donna wiped her eyes with the tissue, then under her nose. "Doctor, I really don't know what you want from me; what you want me to tell you..."
"How about the truth." Ten took hold of Donna's hand; he could see the pain in her eyes, and it burned through both his hearts. How could he have brought this upon her? Sure Donna may have seemed like she wore a thick shell, but once you got to know her; it, that thick shell, was just a thin mask. A thin mask created to cover the real vulnerable human being underneath. "Donna, I know you'rehurting. I can see it in your eyes, and hear it your voice. You've changed since the Library; you many not think you have, but... Please Donna, talk to me... Trust me..."
"But I do trust you. Doctor, I trust you with my life; my life, always."
"But not with your pain?" Ten took hold of Donna's hands and held them tight between his, staring in her eyes as he spoke. He knew she blamed him for what happened because he blamed himself; He had brought her there. He had subjected her to that. He had been the catalyst to her change; the nightmares, and the constant emotional pain.
"Donna I know you blame me for what happened at the Library; I blame myself but..."
"Doctor,I'm alright, and I don't blame you for anything... I'm just tired that's all."
"Donna, don't lie to me." Ten paused; he knew Donna all toowell to accept that she was just tired as an answer, just as he knew not to accept her headache excuse earlier. "Love, something's very wrong; I need to know what it is."
"I can't tell you..." Donna answered as soon as, and unable to fight the tears, she looked down. "I wish I could but I can't, and it's not because I don't want to; I just can't."
"Because it hurts to much? Or because you don't trust me anymore?" Ten paused when Donna, still not looking up to him, nodded and added.
"Both, but that's not all."
"Then what,Donna?" Ten ran his hand up and down Donna's arm; occasionally touching her hair. This pain was more thanjust the; he could see that, but no matter how much he needed to know just how deep this went Donna had to be the one to tell him. Sure he could pry into her memories and find out, but with the way Donna had been acting he knew that option would only hurt her more. "Donna, you have to know that whatever pain your feeling; whatever it is that's tormenting you.. Donna I want to help you, but I can't if you won't open up to me."
"I don't know; I keep having these dreams about the Library. I wake up, and I don't know where I am; if I'm here, or if I'm still in the computer. I can't breathesometimes, and..." Donna paused then with a slight hesitation looked back up to Ten. "Am I going crazy, Doctor? Am I... I don't know... Am I crazy?"
"No you're not crazy." Ten let go of Donna's hand, and with a sympathetic smile, and a gentle touch to her cheek went on to explain why. "Donna, the child in that program; she convinced you that you were married; that you had conceived, carried and birthed two children; raised them."
"And it also made me believe I was mentally unstable." Donna's voice cracked slightly when she realized that it; the computer, that little girl might have been right. "Doctor I don't know what's real anymore; you, here and now... The TARDIS. I'm scared, I never want to go back to that place again. That hospital, those doctors..."
"But they weren't real Donna; it wasn't real. That whole part of your life wasn't real."
"But it was..." Donna closed her eyes tight; covering them when she brought her knees to her chest. Everything had gone so wrong. This wasn't supposed to happen to her; that part of her life was supposed to be over; it was years ago, yet with one act of a computerized child it was happening all over again. "You don't, you can't understand you weren't there"
"Donna maybe I should take you home."
"No I don't want to go home." Donna uncovered and opened her eyes; still keeping her knees near her chest as she shook her head. Home was the last place she wanted to be while dealing with this; her mother would never understand what happened. "Please I don't want to go home; I just need more time."
"Donna it's been months since the Library; maybe if you went home, and found someone you could talk to about this." Ten went to touch Donna's face, but this time she turned away. "Donna I'm very worried about you, and I don't know what to do because you won't let me help you. Donna please; I care a lot about you, and I don't want anything to happen."
"Like what?"
"Like what happened here." The Doctor had a hard time prying Donna's hands away from her legs, but when he did, he turned them over to reveal two scars; one on each wrist which he ran his thumb over. "Donna up till now I've never asked you about these scars, or what caused you to take such drastic measures..."
"I know."
"Donna I'm scared."
"It was a long time ago." Donna answered but remained staring at her knees; no one had ever noticed the scars on her wrists let alone asked her about them. Either that or they were toopreoccupied with their own life, and didn't care to take time out of it to acknowledge they were there. "I was young Doctor, so you don't have to worry about me trying that again."
"I beg to differ, because I think I do need to worry; about you doing that again." the Doctor motioned to the glass near Donna's bed, and prescription bottle of medication. It might not have been a raiser, but it was something just as lethal. "When did you get those?"
"Last time I was home; I think." Donna looked to the bottle of pills. She hadn't been home since the Library, so maybe before that. "I don't know, maybe I had them with me. Did you get them for me?"
"No I didn't." Ten shook his head then picked up the bottle, reading the label before clearly naming off the top of his head, every side effectshe knew of that coincided with Donna's current symptoms. "Donna this alone, the side effectsthat come with it... abnormal thinking; behavior changes, confusion, hallucinations; memory problems, mood swings and suicidal thoughts.. Do you really; knowing that you'd tried to take your own life once; do you think I would give this to you?"
"I don't know."
"Donna you need help; help I apparently can't give you." Ten kept running his fingers up and down the two scars; two perfectly straight lines in the middle of her wrists. When he felt Donna's body relax, he eased her from the position she was in to one where she was able to put one leg under her body. "Donna I can't lose you; not like this."
"But you won't lose me; Doctor I promised that I would be with you forever, and I meant it."
"Then why can't you look at me?" Ten asked then added, when Donna who was still staring at the pill bottle near her, wouldn't look back to him. "Donna I need you to look at me. Why did you try to take your own life?"
"It's complicated..."
"Donna look at me." WhenTen spoke, this time he forced Donna to look at him. He had to get her to talk to him; to tell him the truth before history repeated itself. "Please Donna, if you can't talk to me..."
"Do you know what that's like to be a mum?"
"No, but I do know what it's like to be a father; outside of Jenny that is." The Doctor paused; he had mentioned this to her once before, but at this point in time, he knew reminding her would be inappropriate. "On my home planet; I had a wife, and two children; I even had grandchildren, but that was a long time ago. Have you; before the Library that is, thought about being a mum?"
"I didn't have to think about it. I was a mum," Donna took a breath, and threwcaution to the wind. He told her she could trust him, and now with what she was about to tell him; she was putting his promise to the test. "I was a real mum, with a real pregnancy, and a real baby. A daughter I think. It was a long time ago, but very real; maybe, I guess."
"How long ago?" Tenasked and then with great concern, hoping Donna's psyche wasn't as broken as she was now portraying it to be, asked,"And how come you've never told me this? Before now."
"Because it's not something I'm not proud of, and as such it's something I don't like to talk about."
"How old were you Donna?"
"Why? Don'tyou believe me?"
"Donna I believe you, I just need to make sure your memories aren't being misledby the medication you're taking on top of what happened at the Library." Ten paused. "Donna, the human mind is very delicate, and just one alteration of any memory can cause it to break down. Make it create things that never happened, or manipulate the ones that did. And on top of that you added a medication..."
"Right; so now you're telling me what? I'm having some sort of mental breakdown, and it's my own fault?" Donna snapped at him. "I had to sleep Doctor; what else was I supposed to do?"
"Talk to me." Ten stopped short of agreeing with her on the mental break down; yes she was having one, but pointing that out to her just didn't seem like a wise thing to do. "Donna I need you to tell me how old you were, because I need to know how much is real, and how much is just.. I don't know.. Please Donna, how old were you?"
"Sixteen; I was sixteen, and before you ask, it was a boy from school." Donna began to rattle off the information Ten wanted to hear, all in one breath including,"The kind of boy you bring home to your parents, because they don't see, or want to see how much he drinks, or how much he likes to hit you; why because you wear makeup, and cover the bruises, or his parents status makes it easy for them to ignore the black and blue marks."
"Okay first of all Donna, sixteen is not near old enough to know better." The Doctor ran his hand over her cheek, wiping a tear from her eye. "And I don't care how much your parents, or most likely, and more precisely your mumliked him; Donna no one has the right to hurt you... Status or no status."
"Doctor please..."
"Did your dador your grandparents know what was going on?"
"No; they didn't." Donna shook her head; she had done a very good job of covering it up by making excuses. Wearing toomuch makeup, or clothes inappropriate for that time of the year. Occasionally her father would ask her, but in her most reassuring of ways, Donna would make him believeeverything was alright. "My dadsuspected something, but I convinced him otherwise."
"And your mum never noticed a thing?"
"The only thing my mum ever noticed about Stephen; oh yeah right his name was Stephen by the way" Donna paused. "Well the only thing she ever noticed was that her lazy, good for nothing daughter was finally hooking herself a soon to be lawyer. She was so angry when he broke up with me."
"And this breakup happened when you told him you were pregnant?"
"You really think it wouldn't? You really think a guy like him would want to be tied down to someone like me?" Donna paused; she never did believe she was good enough for anyone; mostly because her mother had made a point oftelling her she wasn't. "You have got to be kidding me; no he ran the minute I told him. Said I did it on purpose to make him marry me."
"And did you?"
"Yeah I did." Donna answered with sarcasm;half admitting that in fact her answer was the truth before asking him. "Do you blame me?"
"No Donna; I don't blame you at all." Ten paused. "Your mummade it hell for you, and when this jerk came along, you not only saw a way out of that hell, but a way to finally make Sylvia happy. When did you find out you were pregnant?"
"A couple weeks before Christmas; I um... I was getting sick a lot. My mum didn't want to hear it, but my dad, he was worried." Donna began to chew at her lip till Ten stopped her, running his thumb over it as he stared into her eyes. "She always thought that whateverI did, it was for attention. Not my dadthough; he wanted me to go see a doctor, he knew something was wrong."
"Did he suspect you might be pregnant?"
"No.. Yes.. Maybe; I think my mum did, but she never let on."
"When did you confirm you were?"
"Two days before Christmas, my dad finally had it and he took me to be seen."
"What did you tell him?"
"I lied; told him it was the flu." Donna paused and took a breath. She remembered how worried her dad was when he took her; he even stayed till she came out. She hated lying to him, but she also knew if she told him the truth that he would seeher in the light her mother did, and she just couldn't deal with that. "My mum already looked at me like a piece of trash, all I had was my dad, and my grandparents. I couldn'ttell him."
"Who did you tell? Other thanthe baby's father that is."
"I told my Aunt Sharon; she drove downfor Christmas. She and my Uncle." Donna paused and thought about that Christmas; the fight, the things her mother said about her. "I was sick for Christmas, and I couldn't eat so my mum started on me; there was an argument at dinner and I left. My aunt followed me outside; I couldn't stop throwing up. She waited, held my hair back, and then when I was done she asked me how far along I was."
"And you told her?"
"Yeah; eight weeks."
"What did your aunt say?"
"She gave me choices; one was, and only if I wanted to keep the baby; to tell the father, and see what happened with that; but I already told you what happened there." Donna tried to look away again but Ten wouldn't let her. She had no reason to be ashamed of her self, or of what happened. "Doctor..."
"Donna, there is no need to be ashamed of this." Ten with one hand on her cheek, sympathetically took one of hers into his. "You were young, it happens."
"That's what my auntsaid."
"Well your aunt seems to be a lot brighter than your mum." Ten paused then asked about the other choices Donna had been given, and the usual terminating the pregnancy, or raising the baby on her own were given. It was the last however; that her aunt and uncle adopt the baby that Donna informed him she'd chosen.
"I knew she wanted a baby; she'd been trying for years with no luck. She had two miscarriages, and I knew raising the baby was out of the question as was terminating the pregnancy; God I was so stupid..."
"First of all Donna you weren't stupid; you were young." Ten tightened his grip on her hand, stopping her again from looking away. "Donna listen to me; you weren't stupid."
"I was reckless; Exactly what my mum said I was...I didn't care about anything, or anyone other thanmyself." Donna paused. "I was sixteen years old Doctor; regular every month, and not on the pill. I chose to disregard that; I had unprotected sex, more than once, and it caught up with me. It was my fault. I wanted it, and it happened. I have no one to blame but myself."
"And I suppose this bloke; this Stephen, he had nothing to do with it?" Ten paused, moving his hand from her chin, to her cheek then to rest on her neck. "Donna there are such things as condoms, you know that; he knew that."
"You don't understand; my mum liked him."
"Yeah well I hate to say it Donna, but your mum... She's a bitch." The Doctor paused when he pulled his hand from Donna's neck; allowing it to rest on her leg. He knew he had overstepped the boundaries of their relationship with both his touch, and his words, but when Donna didn't come back at him with a swing or hostile words, he went on to ask,"And since when have you ever cared about what your mum wanted or thought? You know what don't answer that, it's not really important. What is however, is what happened to you; after you had your baby. I'm assuming you didn't have it here in England."
"No, I went to Scotland right after Christmas; spent the rest of my pregnancy there. I was a little early in delivering, but they said that and the seventy-two hours in labour was because of my age."
"Seventy-Two hours?" Ten cringed at the thought of the physical pain she'd endured, and then in the end; after all that, the emotional pain of leaving her daughter behind. "Donna that sounds like a long time, even with your age."
"I was in what they call hard labor for two of those; after my waters broke." Donna paused, now she could talk about it as if it were nothing, but back then the pain she was in. She thought she was going to die, and all the midwife could do was tell her to breath and push. "I don't know Doctor, I guess if I had been in a hospital they could have done something to lessen the pain, or quicken the whole process."
"You weren't in a hospital?"
"No I was at home; my aunt's home."
"Why the bloody hell were you not at a hospital?" Ten knew his tone was snappy, but Donna was sixteen and it was her first child. "Donna you were sixteen years old, you belonged in a hospital."
"I know, but I couldn't be; this was my aunt's child remember." Donna scratched the back of her head. "Everything had to be perfect; she would give birth at home, and no questions would be asked."
"What if there were complications? Donna you could have died." Ten's eyes filled with anger; not with Donna but with everyone else included in the situation. "Donna do you know the complications that could have taken place; previa placenta for one, then there's the possibility of a breach birth.. Donna, you could have bled to death."
"I know, but I didn't care; it wasn't about me. It was about my daughter, and I wanted my daughter to have good parents, and a good home." Donna paused, tears flowing as she sobbed. "Doctor please don't be angry with me; I did what I thought best for Amy. I'm sorry."
"Donna I'm not angry with you; And you have no need to be sorry." Ten paused then seeing it was time to change the subject, he wiped the tears from her eyes once again, and after allowing Donna to calm down, focused in on the fact that she referred to her daughter by a name. "So you called your daughter Amy?"
"Well sort of; I wanted to call her Amy, but my aunt preferred Amelia." Donna paused and took a breath, then let it out. Her head was starting to hurt, but she knew another headache, no matterhow real it was this time, wouldn't detour the Doctor from wanting to know more. "I guess it was close enough, Amelia to Amy."
"How long did you stay?"
"Not long; well long enough to lose the weight I needed to keep up the lie." Donna paused then looked to her wrists, this time without Ten's help. It was so long ago, but with each word she spoke she could feel the razor sliding across her flesh as if it were just happening. "I did this there, the day before I was supposed to come home."
"Who found you?"
"My Aunt; I was in the downstairs bathroom. She'd been worried." Donna's headache went from bad to worse as she thought about that morning; the throbbing feeling like a marching band in her head. Then it happened; everything that up till she looked at her wrists; everything that she said, that had made perfect sense, began to unravel. It was like her dreams had jumped from her sleeping state to her woken one.
"Donna what's wrong?"
"My head... I can't..."
"You can't what?"
"But I'm awake." Donna ran her fingers over her scars as Ten had done earlier; she was awake. Why was this happening? Why was her real life, in the blink of an eye, swapping place with her fictional one; she had no control while she was sleeping, but she was awake now.
"Donna?"
"The doctors there said I suffered from postpartum depression after; you know so I tried to. " Donna continued to stare at her wrists, even after the mess in her mind slowed down. "After having her.. After leaving Amy; no Ella.. Leaving them... I... It was all just so much, Ella and Joshua and mum being angry because Lee; no Stephen left me, and then giving birth... I just couldn't handle it."
"Donna..."
"Aunt Sharon sends my mum pictures of them; no of her... Ella, Amy...for the special occasions. "Donna began to take shorter breaths, her eyes never leaving her wrists as they widened and her hands began to tremble. "My mumsays she; um, she goes along with it but... Doctor what's happening to me?"
"Donna tell me about your dad." Ten could tell he was losingher, at least mentally losing her, so he tried to grasp onto something that would bring Donna back to reality. "What did he think? How did he react to you trying to kill yourself?"
"I don't know." Donna remembered her dad; he was always trying to smooth things over between herand her mother. Always trying to get her mum to see her in the light he did; it never happened, but he never stopped trying. "He was so good when I came back; only one other then you, and my grandfather who noticed the scars on my wrists."
"So he knew you tried to kill yourself?"
"Yes; he wanted me to get some help... to talk to someone but I couldn't." Donna clenched her fists, then released them. "I had already been in that hospital; after I did this. My aunt, and those doctorsmade me, before I came home..."
"Donna what hospital?"
"Clifton Psychiatric Hospital." Donna looked from her wrists to Ten, pleading with him. "Doctor don't make me go back there; the hospital or the computer.. Please."
"Donna come here." Knowingthe time was right, Ten reached out to Donna, pulling her into his arms as he wrapped them around her; holding onto her as she held onto him.
"I don't know what's real anymore..."
"I know; I know you don't." Tenran his hand over Donna's back; holding the other tight against the back of her neck as he spoke. "And I'm sorry because this is all my fault."
"I don't know what to do; it's all so messed up." Donna held onto Ten tighter, feeling that if she did , then somehow he would keep her grounded. "Everything that happened, and didn't happen. And the Library; It's too much. I can't handle it. I need to make it stop."
"Need to make it stop; Donna look at me." Hearing the words she spoke, almost the same as she spoke earlier, Ten pushed her away; placing both his hands on her arms. "You can handle this; I know you can, because I'm here to help you. You don't have to make anything stop; I will. I promise."
"Before I knew what was happening." Donna shook her head as she spoke. "I knew it was real, with Stephen and Amy but now; the Library, the children and that Dr Song and everything's just wrong. You may think I can, that I'm tough and all but it's an act."
"I know it is; Donna you are not as nearly tough as you try to make people believe you are."
"Doctor this is too much. I wake up every day, and I wonder if I'm real."
"I know, and Donna I'm hearing you." Ten moved his hands from her arms to her face; locking his fingers in place before kissing her forehead. "You don't need to do anything drastic to make me; Donna I hear you, and I see you."
"But what if you're not real?"
"Donna, I'm real, and so are you. Amy's real." Ten kissed her forehead again, this time leaving his lips there for a moment longer thanbefore, and knowing if he wasn't able to he'd lose her for certain, added,"Donna I need to do something; it will fix everything."
"No medications, no shrinks; Doctor please."
"Donna there is no way I would let anyone medicate you; and I am sure as hell not putting someone I love in the hands of a modern day quack doctor."
"Then what? What are you going to do? Nothing can help me now."
"Donna what I am going to do to you; it's called a memory wipe and it will help you," the Doctor paused, and place his hands on Donna's face. "It will wipe out the pain; the memories.Whatever is making you feel this way; it will vanish. You will never have to feel like this again."
"But what about Amy.. She's my daughter." Donna placed her hands over Ten's. "I can't forget her; she's my daughter."
"Donna I'm not talking about Amy; I'm talking about the Library." the Doctor paused. "Everything you went through in the Library; I want to take that away. Just the Library."
"Not Amy?"
"No Donna; not Amy."
"Okay." Donna nodded in agreement with the Doctor, and then added before he melded with her mind. "But just the Library, not Amy... Never Amy."