"Jim, you've tracked blood all over the carpet!"

"Oh my, that is quite the mess."

"We just got the last set of stains scrubbed out yesterday!"

"This isn't my fault, dear. I've been hacking into the CIA database all morning."

"They're clearly coming from your shoes."

"Then someone has stolen my shoes and is walking around leaving bloody footprints everywhere."

"They lead directly to you!"

"Clue number one: The thief is a shapeshifter."

"Jim, stop avoiding-"

*BANG*

"Jiiiiiiiiim."

"Happy Anniversary!"

"It's not...Please tell me you had nothing to do with this."

"Don't you like my gift?"

"You've gone too far this time, Jim."

"Excuse me? I'm sorry, but it's hard to hear you over the shrieks of terror."

"How did you even do this?"

"Sebastian, dear, explosives are my specialty."

"Jim."

"I ripped the tag off a mattress."

"This isn't funny, Jim!"

"Who's laughing, my sweet? Clearly not the people in the pool that just exploded."

"I'm leaving. I've had enough of this."

"But think of all the perfect targets we get to shoot at now!"

"What? Most of them are young or infirm! Why?"

"Because we're friends. And friends take pot shots at the helpless and elderly together."

"That isn't friendship, Jim. That's cruel."

"Well then you're probably not going to like the anniversary retreat I've planned."

"It's not even our anniversary! We're not together."

"I'm sorry. I thought you were my boyfriend. Obviously there's a miscommunication."

"Oh, god...No...This is awful."

"You're right. We're not nearly as compatible as eHarmony said."

"No, Jim."

"This was clearly an oversight on my part."

"You think?"

"Wooing you with bombs was the completely improper way of doing it. Next time, I'll go with biological warfare."

"That isn't the problem, Jim! Why would you think any of this was a good idea?"

"Probably because I'm a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence."

"Oh."

"I don't understand how you keep forgetting that."

XXX

Author: In related news, what am I even doing with my life now? Okay, well, I hope I made you laugh at least a little. Reviews are love, and I encourage you to look at some of my other stories, too. (I promise they're not all ridiculous as this. Although some are, too, if that's your thing.)