The sequel's up!

If you're new and just reading this story – it's the sequel to my other story Let's Play Pretend. You don't necessarily need to read the other one to understand this one but you can read it to get a better understanding of this one.

And it's here :] So begin reading!

You are what you eat

-Anonymous Quote

anorexia is a parasite…not your friend.

I repeated my n:e:w mantra in my head and breathed out recovery.

After spending three weeks – [15 lbs] – in hellNew Seasons, I was taught n:e:w mantras and n:e:w food plans. I met n:e:w nurses, n:e:w shrinkstherapists, n:e:w f r i e n d s.

Except they weren't really my friends. They were stuck in the dark, lost in the prettyshiningbright lights of anorexia, playing hide the food! and pinch the flab on the fattest!. My real friends flew away from me while I was stuck in quicksand, lying just to protect us…

No. I will not think about her. She was the reason I was here. She was the reason I almost d.i.e.d that day at samanthapucket's funeral.

[there's a reason her game's called anarexia.]

She was the reason sampuckett d.i.e.d. If I hadn't been so s:c:a:r:e:d of her, I would have found help sooner. I would have saved sampuckett+carlyshay=BFF'S life and she would be here with me

and freddie.

Freddie Benson was getting….better. [better : improved in health: healthier than before] He actually came to the therapy sessions [although he didn't speak], he talked to more people [if "yes", "no", and "I don't care"'s count], and he didn't go to her grave every daydayday like obsessed boyfriends with d.e.a.d girlfriends do.

but wouldn't they be ex-girlfriends?

no. they never broke up.

but she's –

don't say it!

It was Freddie Benson who was the least of my worries actually. It was Spencer+Angie+Gibby= The Make-Carly Fat Team [TMCFT] who threatenedbothered me.

Recovering from the dark days made my days shine brighter but the lights kept flickering on, off, on, off, on, off, on, off because the stupid TMCFT were c.o.n.s.t.a.n.t.l.y on my back.

"What did you eat for breakfast Carly?"

"I had a bowl of Cheerios –"

"That isn't a full serving! Go eat the waffles I made! They're really good!"

-Angelina Harris.

"Hey Carly. Want some dinner?"

"Oh I just ate –"

"What did you eat?"

"I had some pizza –"

"Where's the box?"

"In the recycling –"

"You need ice cream."

-Spencer Shay.

"Carly-Car! Wanna go get burgers or something?"

"My stomach hurts, Gibs –"

"How about some French Fries?"

"Those are greasy –"

"You shouldn't be worrying about calories you know!"

"I'm not! My stomach hurts and I don't want all the grease!"

"…Oh. Then how about some pizza?"

-Gibby Cornelius Gibson.

I do eat now though. I don't l i e anymore. I lick the frosting off of red velvet cupcakes, I swallow down the salty taste of pretzels, I slurp the intoxicating sips of Pepsi, I chew:bite:swallow:chew:bite:swallow instead of hide:lie:pretend:hide:lie:pretend.

[i can feel the calories creating layers of fat-]

I'm not allowed to think those thoughts anymore. I'm supposed to think- recovery! love! food! happiness! perfection!

Perfect people don't lie about eating. Perfect people don't l i e. Perfect people most definitely don't talk to people who emotionally abuse them and trap them in the deadliest game a person could ever play.

(perfect people don't let themselves be influenced by ana)

So I try to keep positive thoughts : gaining weight is fun, exercising 24/7 is exhausting, hanging out with friends and actually eating is a good thing.

I've also been thinking lately about another positive thing. H o w e v e r my therapist isn't exactly sure it'll escalate to better recovery but she isn't against it. I'm a little nervous though – being in front of cameras might be like a mirror : always lying, always trying.

But I'm willing. I'm willing to remember samanthapuckett in a positive way by continuing our memories on screen.

I'm willing to continue iCarly.

I rummaged around my purse for my keys as I walked up to the door. I just got back from the therapist and I was psyched:nervous:exhilarated to tell everybody my decision. I heard the music of keys rustling around and I quickly pulled them out.

My key was barely in the door when I heard the door behind me open and close. I turned around to face Freddie and immediately the air became a w k w a r d.

"Oh hey there, Freddie," I said a:l:m:o:s:t timidly.

He nodded his head. "You said you wanted to share something with us?"

"Right – come inside," I invited him as I finally opened the door.

We walked inside to find Gibby and Spencer sitting on the couch, their eyes tangled in the knots the television bound them in. Angie was in the kitchen pouring glasses of lemonade.

"Hi Carly, Freddie!" Angie chirped as she put the lemonade away. "How was your day?"

"What's the news?" Spencer and Gibby asked in a robotic tone while Freddie just sounded b o r e d.

[he never sounded bored when you spoke to him before]

"I've been thinking lately and it's a really big decision my therapist says," I start, stalling a bit.

I don't know why I'm nervous – this is my webshow, right?

[sam's dead and gone. dead and gone.]

"Why is it a big decision?" Spencer asked, helping time slow down.

"Because it involves my self-image and she believes I need to be totally comfortable with the way I look before I actually, well I put my plan in action." I explained.

"What's your plan?" Freddie just wanted to run out the door and never see my puppy brown eyes and twisty brown curls again.

[they weren't the right ocean blue or flowy blonde]

"I want…to continue…iCarly." I said slowly.

The room went s i l e n t and the crickets began to chirp in the backgrounds of my mind.

It stayed this a w k w a r d way until Gibby spoke up.

"I think it's a great idea." Gibby said looking around at everybody.

"I don't!" Freddie suddenly jumped in the flames of the fire.

"It's a bad idea," Gibby jumped in with Freddie.

"Why? I think it could really boost your self-confidence again when you remember how much your fans loved you … and were happy." Angie piped up.

she almost said you guys. she stopped herself in TIME.

"It's a fabulous idea," Gibby returned.

"Gibby!" We all snapped.

"Sam was your co-star." Freddie pointed out bitterly. "Who are you to replace her with?"

"You." Someone said.

[you learned a few nano-seconds later it was you]

"Me?" Freddie asked like the word had a bitter taste on his tongue.

"You're the technical producer, yes, but you're also the best one for the job." I improved. "You've been with us from the start. You know everything – how it's supposed to go, what we're supposed to say. You're the one for it, Freddie."

I didn't hesitate to include Sam when I spoke. I knew she wanted me to.

Freddie stayed silent so Spencer chose that moment to talk. "iCarly was something you all loved. Maybe it would help you all move on."

When did Spencer became so grown up?

[about the same time you realized what a fat, ugly-

[no i don't think those thoughts anymore. i think healthy, beautiful –

[who told you that? you're therapist?]

"Move on?" Freddie snapped like a twig. "We're just supposed to stomp around and be all happy because we're alive and Sam's dead? We're just supposed to forget her and shine the lights on Carly because Carly survived?"

his words stung like a bee but they were true – (at least he hasn't told it was you all along who killed her)

"Freddie-" Spencer cut in, trying to control the both of them.

"This won't work." Freddie left all his words floating in the air around us and trapping us in tight spaces. He turned on his heel and slammed the door shutshutshut.

Gibby stood up and patted my shoulder. "It's going to be okay, Carly. Freddie's just…getting used to her being … gone."

when did Gibby learn to say the right words?

"It's never going to be okay because he wishes … that she didn't die."

; because he wishes that I died and Sam lived.

"I'll go calm him down. He probably just needs some company," Gibby said before giving me a small hug. He left too but the door didn't slam shutshutshut.

i need company too…

"Hey Spencer –can you drive me to the Art Museum? I have a meeting with my boss." Angie asked.

Translation : let's go make-out somewhere and forget Carly exists.

"Sure. You okay with staying here, kiddo?" Spencer asked as he grabbed his keys and picked up his jean jacket.

"Yeah I'm fine," I smiled and lied.

[I'm not supposed to lie, I'm not supposed to lie, I'm not supposed to lie, I'm not supposed to lie, I'm not supposed to lie, I'm not supposed to lie, I'm not supposed to lie, I'm not supposed to lie]

Spencer smiled and patted my hair before giving me a quick butterfly kiss on my head. Angie squeezed my shoulders with her bony hands as they left the apartment.

and i was all alone again.

"Not really, Carly-kins."

Oh.

My.

God.

"Miss me?"

oooooooohhhh.

suspenseful enough? who do you think it is?