Hey guy!
So updating is seeming much more difficult than I wanted. I hope you still have the patience to wait every time. I'm promising I'll try my best you get better and update more often. I'm sorry that I have kept you all waiting again.
Thanks again to everyone that alerts, reviews and favos this story. I dearly all of you guys.
Please don't give up on this story. There is a lot more to it than you think ^^

So one last thing before you can go on and read the next chapter. I think most of you have noticed that I don't have a beat reader. I usually do that by myself, but now that I have so much work to do I don't have the time I would like. If anyone of you would want to beat this story, just tell me. It would make things a whole lot easier and I would be monstrously happy :)) So if interested just send me a message ^^ I would really mean a lot to me if one of you would do that ;))

So now on… The story awaits you… :DD

And he dreams of Chicago, of Chicago
Somewhere where no one knows him
And he dreams of Chicago, of Chicago
There, where no one knows his name

The full moon was hanging in the black night sky. The stars had vanished with the lights of the city, but where Darren was standing now there were no artificial lights just the white shine from the ball in the sky. To his right tall brick buildings lined the ally and on the other side there was just a fence, taller than Darren himself. He felt caught. There was only the way back or the way that was lying in front of him. No, right or left to turn as far as he could see before the way was swallowed by the all too present darkness.

The way back seemed stupid. He had been running out of there why should go back there. You didn't go back to the place you ran from, did you. So there was only the way ahead. Dark and unknown the way lay in front of him but as Darren sat one foot in front of the other a feeling of safety seemed to spread through him. Until he saw a silhouette standing in the light of a distant streetlamp, the only source of light.

Darren took a few more steps before he could make out the silhouette as a very specific person. He swallowed hard but a smile spread over Darren's face as he recognized the person and the way behind the streetlamp that led away from the tall brick walls and the too tall fences.

`The way out of all this´, the voice inside his head told him and Darren knew that he could get out of all this. And with the hope of light and an escape out of the darkness he ran the last few feet till he stood in front of his friend.

"Leave me alone, Darren. You had your time. You came and you went.", Darren's best friend told him his face emotionless and his eyes as cold as eyes. He didn't even look Darren in the eyes before he turned and went through a high gate made out of black metal in beautiful curved lines. The gates you usually only saw in front of old mansions all over England.

With a loud "bang" the gate closed behind Chris as he left Darren standing in front of it looking onto the land that could have been his home. But Chris had made the choice to keep him out of his life just as he himself had made the decision to cut Chris more or less out of his as he had left Los Angeles.

"But I didn't know what I was doing, Chris! I didn't know my feelings! Please don't keep me out of your life!", Darren screamed after his friend but he didn't even turn around, instead he walked on as if Darren hadn't said anything.

Once more Darren was faced with the choice of going back, to where he came from but everyone said that mourning about things that passed isn't healthy. Going back meant memories and feelings which equaled out into hurt which Darren wasn't able to stand right now. Not after Chris had told him unmistakably that he no longer was wanted in Chris' life.

"On than", the voice inside Darren's head concluded and so Darren sat one foot in front of the other. Every time his shoe met the asphalt and the sound echoed through the alley that was now lined by brick walls on both sides he heard Chris' name echoing though the alley.

Time passed and it seemed like the darkness and the echo of Chris' name was driving him insane when suddenly out of nowhere a huge neon sign saying `There, where no one knows your name ´.

`The place to start over new. Do to him what he did to you. Cut him out of your thoughts, your life, your memories. This is your last chance, take it. He was willing to give you up, because you decided to leave and see your friends. He doesn't care for you. Leave all of him behind.´, the voice advised.

"NO!", Darren yelled and turned around storming back into the darkness. The alley was vanishing into the darkness and suddenly all his friends stood to his sides laughing and pointing at him. But Darren ran, ran as fast as he could past the metal gate behind which he saw Chris standing and smirking evilly. No, no, no. That couldn't be true. Chris wasn't like that. He wasn't. Darren was sure, but the laughter around him made him sick and he felt like an icy hand had clenched his chest. He wasn't able to breath and the darkness won as he fell forward, unable to breath. Chris had shut him out, his friends where laughing at him and now just before he knew that he would lose consciousness he heard what they were laughing for the first time.

"Gay." It came from everywhere. He recognized every voice. Amber, Chord, Naya, Joe, Lauren, Mark, Dianna, Lea, Joey, Bonnie, Dylan and all the others. They were laughing at him and so Darren was glad as the darkness finally saved him from the laughter. He was glad he didn't have to hear any more of that.

With a loud gasp Darren wakes up in a bedroom light by the light of the full moon. The alarm clock on his nightstand tells him that it about half past four. Nice. He feels like had had fallen into a pool because his entire shirt was wet with his sweat. Darren felt sticky and disgusting, but he just fell back onto the pillows staring at the ceiling thinking about his nightmare. He had known his fear of confessing his feelings to his friends and his thoughts about the entire situation of course, but he hadn't known how bad it really was, because usually his dreams where a mirror of the truth, telling him from his subconscious what he feared and how much he really did. His subconscious was usually the one that told him right from wrong and was the one to wake him up to reality sometimes, but in the feelings department called love it succeed massively.

Darren turned around till he was lying on his back, staring at the headboard of the bed but finding it less interesting than the ceiling. The voices of his friends still kept screaming and laughing at him and he started to feel sick once more. He really hadn't known that his fear of his friends was so hugh. Usually your friends should be the people you could go to when you had problems, but right now even the thought made him feel sick.

It all didn't help. The curly haired man swung his legs out of the bed and snuck to the bathroom on his bare feet and turned on the shower. He needed to rid his body of the stickiness and hopefully the dream and the sickness would be washed down the drain with it.

He shed his clothes and stepped under the warm stream of water and grasped the sponge before squeezing some soap onto it. Soon Darren had washed himself several times but he still didn't feel all that much better. The sickness was still there and the voiced too, even though they had faded into the background Darren could still make out their laughter. He pressed his hands against his ears, wanting to drown the voices out but they kept on being. It made his head feel like it was about to explode.

Water was still streaming onto Darren's body and the drops fell from his hair into his eyes as he sunk to the ground of the shower his back against the tiles. The coolness of them on his back felt pleasant and seemed to melt the lump in his throat a little, but I would vanish. Coolness was the cure for that, but the voices kept on laughing and with his eyes shut lightly, hoping to just blend them out he also saw their faces hovering over him.

It was too much. He wanted to break free and leave, flee from the voices and his feelings if he only could. The feelings. Not it was his fear or better panic how his friends would react. It wasn't the thing that he like his best friend that felt strange, well maybe a little bit, but he had played Kurt's boyfriend. He had played a gay teen two years and he hadn't been uncomfortable. He wasn't ashamed of himself, but Darren had always wanted the opinion of his friends. it had always been important and now that was what he feared. Their opinion , their reaction to him. To this slightly new Darren. He was still him. Behaving just the same like before, was laughing at the same jokes, still liked the same movies and books, still loved music and was still concerned about his friends he still was the Darren everyone had gotten to know with the slight difference that he was now liking Chris instead of Mia. How much of a difference was that. Love was Love. It didn't know gender, he himself had said that. Love fell where it wanted and even though the things with Chris weren't sorted out that far, how could people judge gays.

Now he knew maybe a bit how Chris must have felt during High School with everyone judging him for being him. Darren had never wanted to be someone like these judging people that didn't even wanted to get to know the people before judging, so he had been open to everything and now he was in their situation, fearing what others might think because you aren't like everyone else.

A muffled little scream escaped Darren as the voices grew louder and the water turned colder. He pressed his hands harder against his ears even though he knew that it wouldn't do any good. It was making him go crazy, maybe he even overreacted, over thought everything, maybe it all would be the exact opposite. But his brain seemed to cling to these screams in his head and the fear not wanting to release it before Darren finally had done something about his fears and feelings.

The voices eventually faded into the background again and Darren thought he would get some more sleep so he redressed in a new pair of boxers and a white t shirt before he went back to bed. It was almost an hour later when Darren was still lying wide awake in his bed staring at the ceiling eyes wide open but his thought nowhere. He wasn't thinking. Nothing. The idea of a little TV sparked in his mind and he went to Joe's living room turned the TV on and lay down on the sofa. He didn't care what he was watching but it was something his eyes could do other than blankly staring at the ceiling. Soon he had drifted back into a dreamless sleep with the TV laughing in the background.

It were the sounds of someone working in the kitchen that woke Darren up later that day. The sun stood high and it was probably around noon already. He could hear Joe talking to someone and then came a whispered respond from Lauren. It all seemed okay, so far. The voices where still laughing slightly, but Darren was sure he could life for a while with that. After his attack of panic or whatsoever he had decided to hold back and go a little more of the way without someone knowing his little secret.

"No way!", Lauren laughed and instantly clapped his hand over his mouth thinking he was still asleep. Joe whispered something that Darren couldn't make out properly and then Lauren laughed again and suddenly Darren felt more than sick again.

"He definitely is not gay!", Lauren laughed. "No freaking way!" More laughter and Darren felt how his breathing came more rapidly. It was just like in the dream. She was laughing these words. He felt like he had fallen back into his dream only that now Lauren was the only one laughing but that was bad enough.

"Lauren, quiet. And yes he is I'm telling you. He is gay.", Joe responded and even he laughed quietly with Lauren. Where the hell was he. Darren wanted to be dreaming, but the sickness slowly look him his breath and he knew he was going to vomit. His breathing was rapid and once again his body was covered in a cold sweat. The fear was back and the voices too. Laughing loudly and as he pressed his hands back over his ears he saw them, all of them hovering over him laughing at him for likening Chris. Darren wanted to keep the whimper in but it escaped him anyways. He now really felt disgusted of himself. Weak and a lot to emotional.

The laughing continued and his head started spinning mixing the reality and the voices in his head together. Seeing their faces hearing their laughter and all these things that they could throw at him when they found out, it was too much. He couldn't breathe and finally felt the need to flee to the bathroom. A little to quickly Darren tried to get up so he needed to get his balance back because his head was still spinning. He hadn't fully recovered before he ran, but more or less tumbled to the bathroom and eventually ended up hovering over the toilet, just about the right time as the little that was left came back up. In the distance he heard Lauren calling out for him but he ignored it. When he was finished throwing up he lay down on the cool tiles in the bathroom and ignored everything around him. The voices where faded into the background and is breathing had returned to a normal level when Lauren and Joe finally stormed into the bathroom. Seconds later Lauren was kneeling next to him, stroking Darren his het curls out of the forehead and talked to him, but he heard not a single thing.

Together Lauren and Joe more or less dragged Darren back into the living room and put him down onto the sofa before he slipped into a kind of sleep again.

"Joe, go get a blanket. He has a cold sweat something isn't right and he shouldn't cool down. He will only catch something.", Lauren commanded but for once he didn't started arguing why he wouldn't do that. He knew that something wasn't right with his friend so it wasn't the right time to argue. So he went down the short hallway and came into the guestroom which was Darren's at the time. He opened the wall closet and instantly found the blankets lying in the right corner. He kneeled down so he wouldn't hit his head on the upper shelf and took a blanket from the small pile when he heard Lauren yelling from the living room.

Joe sighed and stood up, having forgotten about the shelf and hit his head with full force under the wooden board.

"Shit!", he yelled and held the back of his head which hurt massively when something fell onto his back and fell with a loud `thump´ to the floor. The contents of the simple black cardboard box spilled over the wood.

"What did you do?", Lauren asked from the doorframe.

"I hit my head on the damn shelf because you were yelling from the living room, sweetie.", Joe retoured sarcastically, but Lauren didn't even seem to listen to what he had to say. She was staring past him and onto the floor as if there was lying the eighth world wonder.

"What is that?", she asked Joe but he didn't even know what his friend was referring to.

"What?", he asked and Lauren just pointed to the floor. Joe sighed because Lauren once more was all so talkative but then he knew at what Lauren was staring at. They were all over the wooden floor. Pictures and letters. Some seemed to be from his mom and then there were some pictures of Lauren and him and all the StarKids. But these weren't the ones they were staring at. It where those which no one had ever seen other then maybe the two on them. Darren and Chris. Friends smiling into the camera. These were private pictures they had made to capture memories. These were the pictures that weren't meant for their fans or the media. Pictures of parties as they were dancing together, from DVD nights where they had obviously watched too much Harry Potter. Funny pictures and those on which there was the chemistry you even saw on these the made for magazines or Glee. There was this bond that most couples were looking for their entire life and never found and there it lay. The prove of Lauren's and Joe's suspicions. Darren had kept the pictures, traveled with them and kept them as a treasure.

My best friend
who is like a star
incredible and beautiful and unreachable

Lauren read the lines once and than twice. She had read them four times before she really was believing Darren had wrote that down onto a picture. She picked it up in her curiousness and turned it around. It was a picture of Chris as he stood on his balcony, Lauren guessed and looked up into the night sky. There were almost no stars, they were swallowed by the city lights but here and there you could make out some tiny lights in the black sky. Darren surely had made that picture without Chris even noticing because it looked so natural not at all like the picture you saw at photo shoots.

"Lauren do you think what I think?", Joe asked who had looked over her shoulder and had studied the picture just the same.

"Have you read what he rode onto the backside?" Joe nodded. "I can't believe that Darren was so blind, if he was. I don't know what to think about this entire situation you know. I think it has to be a lot more complicated otherwise Darren and Chris would have their happy ever after, wouldn't they.", Lauren told Joe and again he nodded.

"I don't think that Darren would act like that when the situation was all that easy on him. Either it's the realization of being different or it has something to do with Chris. Maybe he is afraid of what Chris will think about him or something like that? I really don't know. Darren doesn't seem like the guy that would keep something from his friends . Maybe he really has a reason that he hasn't told us yet. Or maybe he doesn't want to admit… There are so many things that could be the reason for why he doesn't want to talk to us, but after today and yesterday I'm almost willing to force him into talking." Joe was serious. Lauren could see that in his eyes. The way there where hard and shimmered. He wanted to help his old friend even if it was against his own will.

"You mean the thing had something to do with the gay thing?" Joe nodded and started collecting the pictures. Some he put back into the box, others he kept laying beside it. Joe didn't feel all too well to use these dear memories of Darren against him. To make these pictures a instrument so he would start talking to them, but somehow they had to make a start.

"Joe, what are you doing? Are you going to use them? Against him? Have you seen in which condition he is?", Lauren lectured but Joe didn't even think of hearing. He knew that Darren wasn't well but it wouldn't get better from warm blankets and hot soup. It wouldn't get better because of doctor visits and medicaments, because it was something inside Darren's head that was giving him this horrible condition.

"Let's go back. We need to be there when he wakes up. And the pictures are just the last method that I will use to get him to talk. I would want him to start talking by himself much more than having to force him. He is one of my best friends Lauren and one of yours too. We need to get him to talk to us or he won't get better. Maybe it will even get worse. Do you want him to get worse?" Lauren shook her head. Sure she didn't wanted that.

So they settled into the living room and waited for Darren to wake up. The hours came and went but we continued to sleep. They ate something but saved Darren something in the hope they could get him to eat once he would finally wake up.

It was late in the afternoon when Darren started moving once again. He was still sleepy and the bright light that was shining through the high windows in the living room. At first he was confused, but slowly the memories of the past happenings came back. A little groan escaped him, as the man started moving.

Darren was still hoping that most of the memories that came back to him weren't real and in fact just a dream, but he should been proven wrong, because Lauren came into his view, smiling and Darren was certain, that he was wrong. At least the vomiting part seemed to have been real.

"How much of what happened today was real?", he asked anyway, his voice only capable of a raspy whisper.

"I don't know what you remember as real, but Joe and I were talking in the kitchen when you stumbled into the bathroom with your hands pressed to your ears as far as I can tell. Then you puked. We found you lying on the tiles in the bathroom, before we dragged to back into the living room and you instantly passed out. That's about it, as far as I and Joe know. Or is there more? Do you wanna talk about something, Dar?", she asked her voice soft and without any force. Her face was light with a friendly smile as she sat in front of him on the rug.

"No, that's all. I was just hoping it was a dream. That's all, really." Darren forced a smile but Lauren didn't seem to buy it, obviously. Joe came and sat next to her, looking at him with the same soft, friendly expression displayed on his face. They cared. Darren knew, but the fear was still bubbling inside him, making it hard to breath, clenching his stomach, when he even thought about telling his secret. Even though they were his best friends here in Chicago. He didn't know if he really could do it, have the strength to tell them.

But then he remembered something. His lines. Two years ago. And know it was as if someone was telling him these lines, helping him to believe that he could do it. `You can refuse to be the victim. Prejudice is just ignorance. Courage.´ These words had meant the world to Kurt, why couldn't they give him the same hope and strength as they had given Kurt.

"Darren are you sure that there is nothing you wanna tell us. We really just want to help you.", Joe said softly as if Darren would break if they would speak.

The curly haired man took a deep breath. Should he really take the risk? Lauren and Joe both looked at him, waiting for him to talk. Was he ready? Oh hell, fuck it. Now or never, right? Better now than later because at some point he had to tell them, hadn't he.

"It's…Well, it's…", Darren began stuttering more than actually forming coherent words none the less sentences. The icy fist was clenching around his lungs once again, making it hard to speak and the voices came back as if they wanted to keep Darren from telling Lauren and Joe about them, the dream, his feeling and Chris. If that was for good, Darren didn't know but he felt the urge to press his hands over his ears once again. He wanted to close his eyes and hide somewhere, hoping that all his problems would have vanished when he came back out. But he knew that life wasn't that easy. Not for him.

"What is it, Dar?", Joe asked carefully, but his eyes turned harder the longer Darren clenched his teeth together and kept his mouth shout because he feared anther panic attack. He felt weird anyway. The feeling of the weakness that disgusted him so much was running through him, but he wasn't able to fight. Even though there in the hack of his head a voice kept on streaming `Tell them! Have courage! Tell them! Just do it! You can!´.

Torn between the fear that was making him suffer, feeling like a little kid that couldn't even deal with his fear of the dark and knowing that he was a grown man, that all of this shouldn't get that close to him, that he shouldn't be that afraid of talking, even though he had to make a confession that would change his life but wouldn't effect theirs all too much. Hell, he was twenty five for fucks sake. But still he couldn't do it.

"Dar, I'm sorry we just want your best.", Joe said and Darren wondered for what he was apologizing when he saw it. A square paper. He could see his own handwriting on it and Lauren read out the lines he himself had wrote down, just after the picture was taken during one of their last nights at Chris' apartment. They had watched DVD's but at one point they had made a break and Darren had found Chris on the balcony. The memory of his best friend pained Darren. Yesterday it had been his source of energy, today it was like a slap in the face. He knew the picture and he realized just then, that he had left that behind, when he had left for Chicago.

"Why… How…", Darren still wasn't able to speak coherently but he didn't needed to at the moment. He was just shocked. How could they do this. His friends. These were his memories. His treasures of the past. Something that was only a thing between him and Chris. Memories that only them shared and right now, Darren felt betrayed by the people he trusted the most.

"You like him, don't you?", Lauren asked her voice still soft without the hardness Joe's had have. But the lump in Darren throat formed anyway. Had Lauren just guessed or did she know something?

"Darren, please talk to us. We just want the best for you. But since you came back from New York you had been behaving differently and so we locked you into the rehearsal building, so you could yourself figure out what was going on, but it even seemed to be worse after that night and today you pressed you hands over your ears as if you heard imaginary voices and fled to the bathroom were we found you on the ground having puke and in some way sick. Darren what is going on, because the way you have been living lately isn't all to healthy for you.", Lauren was talking fast and loud. She seemed to be beside herself but in an overly caring state. Darren felt bad he was doing that to his friends and they knew, didn't they. At least they had suspicions.

"I'm sorry.", was everything Darren could manage at the moment though. His throat still felt a little sore and his voice still raspy.

Joe opened his mouth to say something but shut it instantly when Lauren shot him a warning glare. She waited for him to come around and have the courage to tell them himself. But when he stayed silent her eyes grew harder.

"Darren, please, tell us. We just worry.", her voice was still soft and a little pleading but her eyes were still hard and focused on Darren's. Her hazelnut brown eyes that usually seemed warm turned cold.

"Okay, I'm gonna try." Darren wasn't sure he could really pull through with it but he had to try. They had found his pictures. If they had searched for something to us against hi or if they had found the by accident, Darren didn't care. He was a little angry that they were using his dearest memories to get him to talk about something that was taking the air out of his lungs and made him feel more than just a little uncomfortable but at least they had made the beginning. They had shown him they knew about Chris and the lines he had wrote and they at least guessed that all his strange behavior had something to do with him. But most important they hadn't laughed or had been angry because of it. And they kept calm throughout the entire story Darren told them, beginning with the departure from Los Angles and than his short visit to New York where he had made all the wrong choices. He told them about his realization he had the night alone and about the nightmare.

When he reached that part he felt like a five year old that was telling his parents that a monster had been chasing him, because it had wanted to eat him. He felt more than stupid to tell them about the voices in his head that had been haunting him, laughing at him just like in the dream and then the conversation he had heard that had triggered the attack of panic or something similar, Darren himself didn't really know what it had been. Joe and Lauren listened to the entire story, still sitting on the rug and as Darren had finished Lauren looked him in the eyes the hazelnut brown once again completely warm.

"So, you like him and it was the fear of telling us and him. You were afraid of us?" Lauren seemed shocked. "Why? You know you can always come to us. We would never judge you and you know that." She smiled slightly as he pushed Darren playfully on the arm as if nothing happened and Darren hadn't just told him that I eventually might be bi or even gay. For nothing had changed and with Lauren's smile and Joe's hand on his shoulder and the same reassuring smile the icy hand that had clenched his lungs seemed to melt. And even on his face a small smile was displayed. It wasn't forceful or strong but it was smile of relieve.

He had done it and everything had went with the secret. The voices, the icy hand, the fear. The only thing that was filling his body was an uncertainty in he ever would be strong enough to tell the person that needed to hear it. If he would ever be strong enough to look Chris into his incredible blue eyes and tell him. And tell him that he was more than a friend to him.