Sometimes I want to cry.

It's an impulse that I'm having trouble understanding. Before, there was no crying. No real emotion other than anger.

Any situation that someone might say warranted tears was translated into violence for me.

But lately I've been allowing myself to feel more than rage or nothing. The urge to cry is part of that.

And I don't like it.

In my world, I couldn't expect anyone to understand it. I don't know what to do with it. It's a ridiculous feeling that turns you into a useless puddle of salty liquid, blubbering on the floor.

I really hate the urge to cry.

But for some reason it feels good to experience something different. If only I could feel okay freeing it.

But I don't.

I've always had irrational ideas. My ideas now are just as irrational, but I don't always act on my impulses.

Now, instead, I want to cry.

Even stupider, the anger is the only thing that comforts me with these new-found emotions.

I want to fix these things now, but I don't know where to begin. I've never really known where to begin. It's only recently that I've made a change - far past the point where I should have even been given a chance to change, I think.

But somehow I'm here, and I want to do something.

But these feelings are stifling and I don't want to feel so alone.

I feel that he is my lifeline, but even he has his limits. How could I explain this? How could I expose myself to him again and again and expect him to want to endure this?

Can I even fully accept him myself, I wonder?

I can feel those walls creeping up again. Damn.

I guess you're always bound to lose some.