PROLOGUE: THE BEGINNING, a Rushed Building of the Setting

In the beginning there was Chaos. Then there was Gaia, the earth. Gaia fell in love with Uranus, the sky, and from them sprung the Titans. Then again from them sprung the Cyclops, Hundred Handed Ones, and other hideous creatures, but children of Gaia nevertheless. However, Uranus was appalled by the ugliness of the children and forced them back into their mother's womb.

Gaia was enraged by that. She wanted to file a lawsuit for divorce with Uranus, but that hasn't been invented yet, so she settled for the next best thing. She gave a scythe to her Titan son Kronos and told him to kill his father.

"But Mom!"

"Hush, you do what you're told."

Kronos took the scythe and cut his father into thousands of pieces. Then he became the king of the universe. He married his sister Rhea and ruled.

"Brother Kronos, we have to get married."

"Huh, why?"

"You have to take responsibility."

"I thought it was only a one time thing!"

"Well, think again, I'm with child."

Kronos then went to a prophet to get a prophecy. Unfortunately, it stated that his children will overturn him the way he overturned his father. Scared, he ate his first child after Rhea gave birth.

"But honey! He's your son!"

"He's going to overturn me!"

"It doesn't matter- I want my kid!"

This also angered Gaia, but what angered her even more was the fact that Kronos didn't release her other children, the deformed ones that Uranus had oppressed. She devised a plan in order for Kronos to fall.

And so she waited. Until Rhea got fed up that all her children was eaten up by her husband. 5 babies, all gone down the throat, all would be for nought. When Rhea was with child the 6th time, she went to Gaia for help.

"Mother Gaia, this is the 6th child, the 6th one!"

"Yes, I know, dear."

"I don't think I can take another 10 months of pregnancy."

"We all have to deal."

"I wish he would use condoms! But they haven't been invented yet."

"It's tough."

"And the worst thing is, he's going to eat the baby again! Ten months of mood swings, cravings, a bloated belly, awkward walking, and for what? WHAT? For the baby's little gurgles and cute face, or for the baby to grow up and call me Mom? NO! For my husband to EAT my kid."

Ah, there was that outburst that Gaia had been waiting for. She told Rhea a plan, and Rhea agreed. The next time Rhea gave birth, she was ready. She wrapped a stone in swaddling cloth and gave that to Kronos to eat. Then she smuggled the baby out.

Soon the baby grew up, was named Zeus, and he freed his brothers and sisters.

"Let's get revenge on our git of a father," Zeus roared, "Mates, we can't stan' fer this- s'not proper!"

War, upturning, imprisoning the "evil" Titans, fall of Kronos. All that boring stuff.

And now, for what happened after the victory...

The gods won the first Titan war. And the time came for them to divide up the universe and rule.

The three brothers drew lots for the sky, sea, and underworld.

Zeus drew the sky, and then, satisfied with his lot, settled down into a gentleman. "The sky is nice."

Poseidon drew the sea, and he had a deep and sonorous voice to accompany the waves with. "Alright, kids, I'm off!"

And Hades had the Underworld. "THAT'S NOT CUTE! NOT CUTE AT ALL!"

So Zeus married his sister Hera and ruled with his sisters and brothers. Well, he was kind of sort of maybe coerced in to marrying Hera.

"You will marry me," she said one day.

"Why would I want to?"

"I have a feeling that I'll need a marriage certificate later on. To discourage someone."

"No, you hate me anyway."

"Da-I mean, yes, you will marry me."

So Hera wooed Zeus by transforming into a unicorn. When Zeus saw that unicorn, he was so excited that he went up to hug it. Then the unicorn changed back into Hera, and Zeus married her, on one condition.

"You'll change back into a unicorn sometimes, right?"

"Yes, yes, I will."

Demeter immediately began planting cabbages. When asked why, she said that it was in order to make kimchi. When asked what kimchi is, she said that it was the most delicious food in the entire world. Then she went to harass Hades.

Hestia was sort of ignored by everyone. When she said hello, no one heard her. So she became the one holding things together, because of her passive aggressive attitude that came from being ignored.

"STOP IT YOU GUYS!" she would whisper/shout. "You guys are always…" and on and on for 3 hours straight. Without repeating.

When Hades destroyed the palace on Mount Olympus in a tantrum, the whole place had to be rebuilt from scratch into a bigger, better, and cleaner facility.

So these were the original 6 great Greek gods, without any children or additions. As you can see, they aren't exactly chummy with each other, and as of then, only Zeus and Hera were married.

This is the story of the Greek gods, but really, most of them don't want to be called Greek.