And the jet you flied in on…

Rated: T for some implications.

Pairings: Bee/all who want to, Bulkhead/Strika, Ultra Magnes/Ratchet, Megatron/Ratched etc.

World: TFA, somewhere between season 1 and 2.

Disclaimer: the title is a variation on Weber's "and the horse you rode in on", and the characters are unfortunately Hasbro. Luckily, there's no Bay around to mess with the plot.

Thank the System…

After Megatrons return, the whole bridge-crew went into a state of shock. In order to boost morale, Optimus got his hands on some magnesium fuel additive and started a small get-together, after kicking Sari out to see a movie.

As usual, the fuel loosened the vocoders, and the subjects shifted from "Cybetron is sooo cool" to "and then the tree just jumped in from of me" and finally to issue of the day. The discussion got so loud that Blitzwing, who was flying by, landed and snuck closer to eavesdrop. As it was common in such situations, the subject of the day was the pros of 'Cons.

"So what? I'll just run away. Tell them, Prowl!"- Bumblebee stated.

"Especially from a jet." – The cyberninja replied sourly.

"And if not? They only need the Allspark fragments. Or do you think that Sentinel was right about slow deactivation?" The young Autobot's battle spirit shriveled rapidly.

"Sentinel can't be right by definition, because his ego takes too much processor capacity, leaving only enough for simplest functions. Thinking is the first thing to be excluded." Ratchet assured everyone. "Besides, you're a common bridge builder. You know nothing of real value. So, they won't torture you."

"Sure they won't. They'll just rape you and then kill you."Prowl supplemented.

Bee's reaction was the exact opposite of the expected.

"Cool then. Won't hurt much."

"What?" Prowl's calm demeanor went out the window.

"What's with the yelling? I've been through this before, it wasn't too bad. All you have to do is to shut down the sensory relay to the port. Besides, if they kill me afterwards, there won't be any pain residue and I won't have to do an abortion."

This statement made everyone queasy, including Blitzwing, who was still listening in

"Don't lie to him. 'Cons don't rape." Bulkehad interfered.

Who's not raping? Me? Icy and Random frowned in confusion.

"Who told you so? Everybody rape." Bee looked at Bulkhead as if he was mental.

"I… well, once 'Cons came to our Energon farm. They were led by a large fembot named Strika. I came out to face them, thinking they want to harm the little ones. She said that I remind her of her bodnmate. So, we kinda…" Bulkhead looked sheepish." And then she said that if the farmers give them Energon, they won't shoot. They took all they could and left. And Strika said that if all Autobots would carry out negotiations like I did, the war would have long since ended"

"So? She's a femme. She's got nothing to rape with."

"I wouldn't say so. " The green giant smirked. "Ever heard about mods?"

"That's odd." Bee looked thoughtful.

That's nifty! A 'Bot 'faced Strika. Random just imagined the look on Lugnut's faceplate when he'll hear of that and snickered in delight.

"He's right, you know." Ratchet addressed Bee. "Not all of them are rapists."

"Riight. Next thing you'll say is that Lockdown is cute and fluffy." Bee sneered.

Yeah. What he said. Thought Blitzwing.

"Lockdown is a waste of space and a shame to our race. But before him, I earned my Academy tuition by selling my body, and in those days, the 'Cons wanted more, but they also paid better." The Medic confessed. "We called it an internship in interfacial medicine. A day on shift- two on our backs. Now those were the days."

-"What?" Optimus felt his processor overheating. His dear team quickly turned into a cast of a porno-thriller. "Wanted what? Paid for what?"

"Let's put it that way. Our Magnus is far from ultra in the berth, and his hammer is… not so glorious." Bee started snickering, but Ratchet continued like nothing happened. "Just to compare with something, our dearest Megatron, well his 'cannon' is glorious and powerful. He's a veeery mighty Megatron. Sometimes, he'd get carried away and break something, but he always paid for repairs and was a great tipper. Now that was a good job. " The old mech purred at the memory. "So, I say frag the 'Cons and the jet they flied in on".

As far as I recall, it was you who was fragged, Icy corrected. Why on Cybetron, did you, our dear "nurse", join the Autobots? We really appreciated you… In all kinds of positions, Random finished the thought sentimentally.

"That's so untrue! No one pays for that. I was offered money once. I got 'faced, but I've never seen a single credit. "Bee shrugged. "I remember the Academy, and I earned my keep there the old fashioned way, not that I had a choice. Wasp and Ironhide didn't see a reason to deny themselves some fun either. Did you know that Longarm can stretch more than just his arms?

"Optimus! Tell him it's not always like that!" Prowl demanded. "He won't listen to us."

"How am I supposed to know? Unlike you I've got no one to compare to!" The poor Prime cried out.

"Boss Bot, are you an un-faced or something?"

"Yes, and I'm proud of it!"

Now Optimus got stared at, with just as much shock as Bee was stared upon earlier.

"Seriously? Stamped with membranes and all that?" Bulkhead clarified.

"Yeah."

"Wow, now you're a clear rape recipe if I've ever seen one." Bee stated knowingly. "Want me to cut your port wiring? It won't hurt as much."

Hey, don't spoil our fun! Blitzwing almost yelled.

"I'll cut your processor out!" Ratchet growled. "But he's right, Cons like them stamped."

Optimus felt slightly sick.

"I won't let them." He tried to say.

"Who's going to ask you?" Bee wanted to know. "The strong ones always take what they can."

"I could show you a move or two, how to fight them off in such a situation." Prowl offered. "Yoketron was very strict about it. No one messed with his students but him."

Blitzwing almost broke in laughing, when Optimus, shaky from the drinks, tried to fight off a no more sober Prowl, cheered at by Bee and Bulkhead. Ratchet immediately grouched about "younger generation, always drinking and fighting".

"And if the Decepticon is bigger than you…" Prowl started saying.

Hothead just couldn't take this anymore and broke in, tearing down a part of the wall.

"When, not if, my little plug-and-play. Now, how about some fun, kiddies?"

TBC (maybe).