How amazing was Rise? Stana just keeps getting better and better and I loved the new emotional side of Beckett. It put me to tears to see her hurting like that, so I decided to help make her feel better. This picks up at the end of Rise and continues with her counseling session. Is this too in depth and long and emotional for one counseling session? Probably. But we'll just pretend it's not.

Disclaimer: If I was capable of writing something as epic as Rise, you wouldn't be reading this.

Haunted

"I lied. Before."

"Well what do you remember?"

"I remember everything."

Silence fills the room. Kate looks down at her feet, out the window, at the arm of the chair, anywhere except at the psychologist sitting in the chair across from her. She's embarrassed for lying, yes, but the main reason she's avoiding eye contact is because she doesn't want him to see how close she is to completely falling apart.

For his part, Doctor Burke isn't entirely surprised. It isn't the first time a patient has lied to him and it certainly won't be the last. What does surprise him, though, is that the detective has come back to tell him the truth; he knows that the only reason she would've done so is because she's hiding something big. Explosive secrets have a way of haunting a person, and if the look in her eyes is any indication, whatever she's hiding is already gnawing at her from the inside out.

"Walk me through the timeline," Doctor Burke says gently. "Tell me what you remember."

Kate takes a deep breath, her eyes still focused on her feet. "He yelled my name."

"Who?" the doctor asks, though he has a pretty good idea to whom she's referring.

"Castle." Kate finds herself choking back tears already. God, why is this so difficult? She can't even think about it without tearing up anymore. "He must've seen something. He lunged for me, but he hit me after I..." she hesitates, the all-too-familiar memory playing in her mind again. It's morphed into a recurring nightmare in the months since her surgery, taking on various forms, but always ending with either herself or Castle bleeding out on the grass. "After the shot."

"And then?" Burke probes carefully. It had taken him about ten minutes during their first session to realize that pushing Kate wouldn't get them anywhere. She would talk when she was ready; the fact that she sought him out tonight was proof of that.

"We fell. He...he was putting pressure on the wound and talking to me." She looks up, wanting the doctor to understand that she's telling the truth this time. "I don't think I remember his exact words."

"Then tell me the gist of what was said," he replies simply.

Kate pauses, trying to pull the words out of her memory, but they're so overshadowed by what happened next that she can't find them all.

"He told me to stay with him, I think. And then..."

Kate looks away, out the window, unable to focus on anything in particular, and she tries to convince herself that it has nothing to do with the tears that are threatening to escape.

"And then?" It's obvious that whatever came next is the most important part.

"He told me that..." she sniffles and wipes away what will be the first of many tears this evening. "He...loves me."

Oh. Oh. This isn't what Doctor Burke is expecting. Not at all. Because this changes everything.

"And what was your reaction to that?"

Kate looks up at him, thankful that he isn't diving into this head first. "I blacked out."

He nods thoughtfully. "Okay. And that's everything."

She bobs her head affirmatively.

Doctor Burke looks thoughtful. "Am I correct in assuming that's the first time your partner has shared those particular feelings with you?"

Kate hesitates. How far into this does she want to delve? Because she's pretty sure that if she analyzes all the nuances of their relationship, his love for her has been conveyed many times in many ways.

She settles for the in-between. "Directly, yes."

"So you knew that he felt this way about you?"

Damn. She's been fighting this for so long, is so used to hiding these thoughts inside, and she now remembers why she hates psychology.

"I guess part of me suspected," she admits.

"You guess?"

Kate sighs. "I didn't want to think about it."

"It scares you." It's not a question.

She nods, surprising herself with her honesty. "Yeah...yeah, it does."

He absorbs that bit of information pensively, considering his next step. "Okay, we'll come back to that in a bit. But first, I'd like to hear about things between the two of you since then. You mentioned before that you hadn't spoken to him since just after you woke up, correct?"

"Yes."

"And if I recall correctly, you said it was because you needed space."

"Yes."

"Are those two occurrences connected?"

"It was a part of it, yes," she answers truthfully.

"What were the rest of your reasons?" he prompts.

"I really did need space," she answers. It's true; she had needed space, mostly because in the broken state she'd been in, she knew couldn't keep lying to Castle. If he'd stayed around, she would've cracked within a few days, and that wasn't something she could've handled. Hell, she still isn't sure she can handle it.

"Why?"

She shrugs. "For recovery, I guess."

"When he came to the hospital, did you tell him any of what you've just told me?"

"I told him I needed space. And what I told you originally...that I didn't remember much."

Burke nods thoughtfully. "Why didn't you tell him the truth?"

Kate knew it was coming and yet she still finds herself overcome by a fresh wave of guilt and tears as she tries to answer. She feels horrible for lying to him, even if it was intended to protect him, but she knows there's more to it than that.

She swipes at her cheeks with the back of her hand. "I was afraid."

"Of?"

She pulls her hands into her sleeves, wrapping her arms around her knees. "All of it."

That's all that is needed to break through the last of Kate's defenses; there's no stopping the tears now as they roll down her cheeks, and no matter how many times she wipes them away, they just kept coming.

She hates herself for being like this, for the amount of tears she's shed over Richard Castle in the past three months. She hates that she can't be honest with him; that she isn't strong enough to face the truth, to tell him that she heard him, that she remembers all of it. She hates feeling so weak and broken, and even though Doctor Burke is the only one who's seen her like this, it's still embarrassing.

When she considers where she was three months ago, she knows she's healing, that she is getting better. But she used to be strong enough to look Castle in the eye and to keep her poker face in place, even if she was hiding behind it. Now, she can't even hide from herself, and that's not a feeling to which Kate is accustomed.

Doctor Burke remains quiet, knowing that Kate will continue when she's ready, and takes the time to observe her reaction instead. He'd quickly realized the first time they discussed Castle that the detective's feelings for him run much deeper than simply that of partners, and as he witnesses her current breakdown, it all but confirms his theory that she's in love with him too. That admission, however, is something that needs to come from her. He's sure she's at least subconsciously aware of her feelings, but he's not going to force them out of her.

Eventually, the tears begin to dry up, and as the silence stretches the doctor realizes that Kate isn't yet ready to expand on her last statement, so he changes the topic.

"You've spoken to him since you've been back on the job, correct?"

Kate nods, pulling her knees tighter against her chest and looking down, and the shift in posture isn't lost on the psychologist. Whatever occurred between them in this last week is clearly what led her to seek his counsel again.

"Besides work, what have you talked about?"

"A lot."

"Such as?"

She looks up. "He was mad at me for not calling."

"Was that expected?"

Kate shrugs. "I guess it should've been but I just assumed everything would be fine. That he would understand."

"He didn't?"

Kate shakes her head. "Not at first. I think he does now, though."

"You explained it to him?"

Kate recaps her conversation with Castle that took place on the sidewalk outside the bookstore, even mentioning her break-up with Josh.

"Yes, you mentioned that at our last session if I recall," Doctor Burke interjects. Kate nods. "And you don't regret your decision?"

"Not at all," she replies honestly.

"How did your partner react to the news?"

Kate hesitates. How does she respond? Until her admission, Castle had been openly upset with her. After, he'd calmed down enough to have a rational conversation.

Does she know why that was? Yes.

Does she want to discuss it? No.

That's why you're here, she reminds herself. You've got to figure this stuff out and it won't happen if you keep hiding things.

"He was...less angry with me after he found out, I guess," she admits. Burke merely nods, a silent invitation for her to continue. "We talked for a while after that, about my breakup and about my case. I found out he's been helping with it the whole time."

"Were you honest with him about your breakup?"

Kate almost smiles. "I might have been too honest."

"How so?"

She shrugs, hesitates. "Castle and I, we never talk about things like that. We never have, and it just felt weird, telling him so much about it."

"Then why did you?"

Kate hesitates. She knows this is one of those answers that defines things. "Because he deserved to know. Because I...I'm not ready for..." She pauses, and Doctor Burke can tell she's fighting with herself.

"For?" he prompts quietly.

"He...he loves me, and I know he wants us to be together," Kate admits, fighting back a fresh wave of tears. "But I'm not ready for that and I needed him to know."

"But someday, you will be?"

"I...no...yes...I don't know," she stammers, biting her lip as she realizes what she's just admitted.

"Okay." He isn't going to touch that one just yet. "How did you convey this to him?"

Kate hesitates again. How does she explain this?

"I...I told him I need to solve this case. That it's been hanging over me since my mother was killed and I need to put that phase of my life behind me before I can move forward."

There, she thinks, that was ambiguous enough.

"And what does moving forward consist of?" the psychologist asks.

Or maybe it wasn't, Kate realizes.

"I'm not sure."

"When you've imagined this 'moving forward,' is Castle a part of it?"

She nods.

"Okay, we'll revisit this later, but right now let's continue discussing everything that's been said between the two of you."

This, she can deal with. It's easier to recount conversations than talk about feelings.

"He came back to the precinct. We worked together like always, and he's been helping me try to track down my shooter. We spent one evening at my apartment, looking over information on a person of interest. I..."

Oh. Crap. She'd forgotten about her breakdown. Maybe this isn't going to be the easier course of action, because her feelings are so tied in with everything else that there's really no way of getting around them.

Doctor Burke immediately picks up on her hesitation, as well as the fact that she's once again averted her eyes.

"You were at your apartment," he reminds her gently, bringing her focus back to their session.

"I...I broke down," she admits, her eyes firmly fixated on the floor. "God, it was so embarrassing."

"You've been through a lot recently, it's nothing to be embarrassed about," he replies.

"Yeah, but...it's Castle," Kate points out. "And I hate when he sees me like that."

Wow. Did she just admit that out loud? Where is her filter?

That's why you're here, she reminds herself again.

"If you two are as close of partners as it sounds, I'm sure that you've both seen each other in moments of weakness," Doctor Burke suggests. "And that's not a bad thing."

Kate looks up. "How?"

"Because a key component of partnership is trust. Trust that you'll have each other's backs in any situation, and the fact that you're willing to open up to him shows that you trust him, maybe even more so than you realize."

That isn't the explanation Kate is expecting. "More than I realize?" she asks in surprise.

"I know you struggle to open up to people," Burke begins. "You've struggled to open up to me since the moment you first set foot in my office." He holds up a hand to stop her when her mouth opens. "I'm not saying that's a bad thing, especially given what you've been through. What I'm saying is that I'm glad you have people in your life with whom you share that level of trust. It's something everybody needs."

Kate shrugs. "I guess. I never thought of it that way."

"So what happened next?"

"We called it a night. I was tired and just needed to be alone. When he came to work the next day, he tried to talk me out of working on the case. He wanted me to step back for a while...'find your bearings' I think were the words he used."

"I think he's probably right," the doctor agrees.

Kate nods reluctantly. "I know, it's just hard for me to step back like that. That's not...me."

"You're a fighter," he states. "I realized that about you very quickly. But you can't always fight everything, and this might be one of those times."

"I know," she confesses. "I'm not me right now and I just...I can't..."

Tears win out again and Kate drops her head to her knees as she cries. She hates feeling like this, hates that the smallest things put her to tears. It's part of the reason she came back to Burke's office. Castle was right, as usual. She isn't fine, and she knows that, and she also knows that this isn't something she can fix on her own. There's so much going on in her life right now, so many conflicting emotions fighting to take center stage, and it's wearing her down.

Doctor Burke waits it out as he's done in the past, and a minute later Kate continues. "I don't know what happened," she chokes out. "Two people have pulled a gun on me this last week and I panicked both times. That's not me. I don't freeze up like that. I don't start crying every time something gets difficult. But it keeps happening now, and I hate it."

"Calm down, take a deep breath," he soothes, pausing while she follows his instructions. "As I've said before, you've been through a lot, and it's completely normal. You're probably suffering from a bit of post-traumatic stress disorder, but you're here and we'll work through it together. As far as freezing when you saw the gun, frankly, I'd have been surprised had that not happened." Kate looks up in surprise at his words. "It's a normal response, and as long as it doesn't keep happening, then I'd say that it's just a normal part of recovery. That being said, I would recommend that you not go anywhere without backup until you've fully regained your confidence."

"I won't."

"Now, I'm not ignoring what you just told me, but let's continue on with the timeline. What happened after you closed the case?"

"Nothing much. Castle promised me we'd eventually find my shooter and promised to help me solve the case."

"And that's it?"

"That's it," she says, meeting his eyes to convey her truthfulness.

"Alright, so of everything that happened, what was it that led you to come talk to me today?"

Kate sighs. That's a difficult question. "I'm not sure that there was a specific event. I guess maybe when I told Castle I was fine and he called me out on it. I used have a good poker face, but apparently not so much anymore."

"So you came because you wanted to deal with...what?"

"All of it," she answers with a heavy sigh. "I need to be fine. I need to find myself again, I need to get to a place where I can solve this case, and I can't do that right now."

The doctor leans back in his chair and crosses his legs. "Why the rush to solve the case?"

"I need to put it behind me," Kate answers, a sense of urgency in her voice.

"You're ready to 'move forward' as you mentioned earlier?"

Kate drops her arms to the sofa, slightly straightening her posture. "Yes."

"And once the case is solved, what will you do?"

"Be more open, I hope," Kate responds. This, she can handle. Talking about solving the case gives her hope, gives her a reason to keep fighting.

"What role does Castle play in your life once this all occurs?"

Crap. Back into dangerous territory.

Kate wraps her arms around her knees again, pulling them tightly against her chest, but doesn't answer.

"Okay, let's take this a step at a time," Burke finally prompts. "You told me you were dishonest with him because you weren't ready for him to try to move things forward."

"Correct." She focuses on her feet again. The nail polish is chipping off one of her toenails, and in some twisted way, Kate thinks, it reflects the current state of her life.

"Will you be ready for that after you solve this case?"

Kate takes a deep breath, steadying herself for the line of questioning that she's knows will ensue. Because this is the driving force behind her decision to seek additional counseling, to figure everything out; the sooner this is all behind her, the sooner she can stop fighting her feelings for Castle.

"I want to be."

"And that's why you're here." It's not really a question.

She nods, ducking her head shyly. Never before has she put this much effort into a relationship. Never. But this is different, and she knows that. Castle has been fighting for her for three years and now it's time for her to return the favor.

"I guess."

"You want to heal so you can solve this case so you can be with him?"

Kate almost feels insulted that he's able to sum up her entire predicament in a single sentence.

"Basically."

"Is this why you said what you did in the hospital?"

Damn psychologists and their ability to read her like a book. "I didn't want to drag him along," she admits. "I figured it'd be easier if I pretended I didn't know and waited to tell him once I'm ready."

He merely nods. "I see."

Now it's Kate's turn to pick up on a cue. "You think I made a mistake?"

"Not necessarily," he begins carefully. "I think you made a decision based on what you felt was best. I think you were smart to try to not add to your stresses, and I think you're correct in your assumption that you aren't ready to cross that line just yet. I'm never an advocate of lying, especially about something like this, but nevertheless, I understand. And this also says a lot more about you than you think."

Kate's eyes meet his. "What do you mean?"

"You were hurting, in more ways than one, and yet you still thought of him. You tried to do what was best for him and you considered the implications of your actions. In your situation, most people would have thought only of themselves. Now, to a certain extent you did that because you knew you couldn't handle it, but one of your main motives was to avoid hurting Castle, am I correct?"

She nods, surprised to find her eyes once again overrun with moisture.

"There aren't many reasons someone would chose this course of action," Doctor Burke says, a subtle nudge in the right direction. He suspected that Castle played a role in Kate's decision to be here tonight but he hadn't initially realized the extent to which that was the case.

"I know." She wipes away more tears and bites down on her bottom lip in an effort to keep any more from falling. "What do I tell him?"

"That's entirely up to you."

"But what do you suggest?" Kate presses. "Because I'm obviously not doing so well on that front."

"I think that he deserves some insight into your choice and actions," the doctor suggests. "I think you should explain to him why you're doing what you're doing and the role he plays in all of this. Tell him what you've told me. This is just my opinion, of course, but I feel that he deserves to know the truth about the shooting as well."

Kate shakes her head. "I don't think I can tell him that yet."

"Why not?"

"The same reason I didn't before. I'm not ready. And I'm afraid."

"Afraid that he loves you?"

"No," she shakes her head as she tries to make sense of everything. It's not his feelings that scare her. It's her own that have her completely confused. "Just...afraid of messing up what we already have."

"That's important to you?"

"Very," Kate replies without hesitation. "He's my best friend, he's my partner. What if it goes wrong?"

"What if it doesn't?" the doctor offers, and Kate hears Lanie's voice in her head saying exactly the same thing. She pushes it away, focuses on Burke's next question. "Do you think that's a possibility? That it would go wrong?"

"It's always a possibility," Kate answers. Being a cop brings with it an inherent amount of pessimism. "And if I try to be with him now when I'm not ready...it wouldn't be fair to put everything we have at risk because I can't fully be there."

Though she's admitted to herself that she has strong feelings for her partner, it still feels weird discussing them, especially when this conversation is making it clear that she's put a considerable amount of thought into her situation with Castle.

"And once this case is solved, you feel like you could offer that?"

"I think so?" she replies hesitantly, her answer coming out more like a question.

"And then?"

"I...tell him, I guess?" She still feels completely unsure as she continues. "I mean, I'll talk to him now like you suggested. But I'll wait to tell him the rest of it."

"That you really did hear him?" Doctor Burke clarifies.

"Yes," she confirms. "And that I..." she trails off and swallows hard as she realizes what she's about to admit.

The doctor remains quiet, waiting for her confession. It's what he'd hoped to draw out of her by the end of their session, because once Kate is done hiding from her feelings they can begin to move forward. Once she understands why she's here and why she's experiencing these conflicting emotions, they can begin to work through the underlying issues. And once she says it out loud, Burke is certain that she'll be on her way to accepting what's been clear to him since their initial session.

Kate takes a deep breath and forces herself to look the doctor in the eye as she finally verbalizes the three words she's kept locked inside her heart for so long. "That I love him."

THE END

Thoughts?