A/N: It's been awhile since I wrote any Merlin. The blasphemy! So here's an extremely short little thing, inspired all the things people have said to Merlin over the years that just beg slash. But it's not really, just a big misunderstanding. And kinda sorta not really crackish. 'tis what makes it funny, eh? :D 'cause I am so not a Merthur fan... Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I disclaim. 'cause there'd be less slash-fan charries on the show if I did own it. Honestly, too many gutters around these days.

Of Wise Words and Innuendos

"Merlin!"

It always started like that. The servant had done something or other perfectly well, but Arthur refused to believe Merlin could actually do anything right, so concluded that even though it seemed his servant had done the job right, it was really done absolutely wrong. And Arthur called Merlin the idiot.

Hiding a smirk at his thought, the man in question turned to see Arthur shutting the door to his chambers and waving a boot in the air. And since he was waving it in the air and not wearing it, a quick glance downward showed Arthur's single socked foot making an uneven gait. Merlin grinned. He'd known Arthur wasn't as tall as all his boots made him seem!

"Yes, sire?" It was a special skill Merlin had: making that respectful term seem so mocking. If he'd been able to fill out a resume before being handed the job, it probably would've been on it.

"My boot is dirty."

"I see."

Arthur glared. "You can polish them again, and the rest of my shoes while you're at it."

Perfectly innocently, Merlin asked, "But then what will you wear?"

Arthur threw the shoe at him.

Merlin rolled his eyes as he caught it, only slightly winded by the force. He's almost king. Then I can tell him. And all will be well. Just polish his stupid boots again.

"Sure, Arthur."

"Merlin!"

"Yes?"

Arthur paused and frowned, almost confused. "You..you didn't argue."

Merlin raised an eyebrow worthy of Gaius, though it didn't quite suit him. "Thank you, Prince Obvious," he said sarcastically.

"Why not?" Arthur almost sounded disappointed.

The servant was about to come up with a teasing complaint attack about how Arthur was just never pleased, but then he hesitated. He wasn't quite sure what was coming over him, but the servant had a sudden desire to...declare friendship. Maybe he couldn't tell Arthur the whole truth, but a little bit of how important the two of them were when they worked together couldn't hurt, right? Perhaps it would even make Arthur think he wasn't so useless. And it would make things easier once his secret was out.

So Merlin cleared his throat and said bravely, "Arthur, I've been thinking a lot-" Here Arthur nearly pounced with an insult but Merlin loudly continued on, "I have, and I think it's time I told you what you are to me.

"I knew you were a prat the moment I laid eyes on you, being such a bully. But...it's been almost three years, and I think we've grown close, you know? There's almost something between us."

The prince stared. He mouth opened a bit, but he didn't seem to be able to get any words out.

"You see," Merlin obliviously struggled ahead, "it's like...we have this bond, and-"

Arthur's jaw had dropped in an impossibly wide gape. "A bond?" he finally choked out. "Merlin, I don't know what you're playing at, but you better stop before I think you're...you know."

Merlin stared wide-eyed back. The implications of how wrongly all that he'd said could be taken sunk in and he turned a deep red. "No! No, no, no, no! It's nothing like that! I just mean I'm supposed to protect you, we're supposed to protect each other-"

"Merlin!"

"Like friends!" Merlin sounded extremely flustered. "Have each other's backs like friends! And then, eventually we'd fulfill this destiny-"

"I will never"eventually" want a destiny with you!"

"No! It's just one day we'll rule together-"

"WHAT?"

"I mean Gwen would be the queen of course! But on the side, the two of us-"

"THAT IS DISGUSTING!"

"Just let me finish, Arthur!"

"No way, Merlin, I've had enough! I don't think like that about you, and if that's why you're still my servant-" here the prince suddenly paused, thinking that he didn't really want a boot-licker, so Merlin wasn't too bad in that sense "-then," he floundered, "just know the feeling is most definitely not mutual."

Now it was Merlin's turn to gape. How in the word had this all gone so wrong? Usually he sounded wise and good-hearted in response to Arthur's more deep questions. But when using the words of the magical people... I am going to murder that dragon!

"Arthur," the undercover-warlock tried to fix weakly, "we're just two sides of the same coin..."

Merlin would've face-palmed right then. He should've known there was something seriously wrong with the way Kilgarrah had said those words the first time they'd met. The dragon's eyes had been awfully twinkly.

"You know what, Arthur?" Merlin threw up his hands. "Forget it. I'm a warlock."

After a moment, Arthur deadpanned, "You are so not staying overnight in my chambers any more."

Arthur deadpanning makes me laugh. Poor, scarred little men. Hehe.

Review?

-Dodo