Dunder Mifflin, Lima Branch
Author: mykindofparty
Summary: "Maybe it's time to take the Brittany goggles off, Tana. There's a world outside of Dunder Mifflin, you know? If you like chicks so much, I'll take you to a titty bar. I'll find you a slutty girlfriend who has way better things to do than answer phones and be Terri Del Monico's bitch," Puck says as they shuffle out the door. Santana thinks for a moment. "How's Saturday?" she asks. The Office/Glee crossover.
A/N: I have a bizarre sense of humor… and if there's one thing I need in my life right now, it's a crossover between The Office and Glee. Also, angels.

TERRI: I was an assistant manager at Sheets 'N Things before I came here to Dunder Mifflin. D'you know why my transition was so successful? Whether it's linens or paper, they're both just sheets. When you think about it, that's all it boils down to.
BRITTANY: Sorry to interrupt, Terri, but these documents you handed me were on cardstock. They're getting shredded in about three seconds so I don't know why you didn't just use copy paper. It's a waste.
TERRI: Go! Go away. Like I was saying; sheets.

(The woman from before, Terri, stands in front of the cameras, grinning)

"Hello there. I'm Terri Del Monico, the regional manager here at the Lima Branch. When they first told me I'd have to work forty hours a week, I declined. Then they told me how much I'd make, I declined again. Then I saw my boss – Will Schuester – and I accepted. It was love at first sight. For me, anyway."

(The camera pans around the room, getting a shot of everyone before Terri steps back into the frame)

"You've seen everyone, okay? Now it's my duty to introduce them to you all," Terri explains. She walks over to the reception desk where a seated blonde is playing solitaire on the computer. "This is Brittany, our receptionist. She was a dancer, but she sucked."

Brittany shakes her head, annoyed.

"No? You didn't suck?" Terri continues, "Oh well. Her day is simple because if you give her too many tasks, her pretty blonde head might explode. And we'd have to get the custodian, Mr. Kidney, to come clean it up. And that – that just puts a damper on everyone's day."

BRITTANY: Yeah, I was a dancer. But before I could make it big, I injured my ankle and I haven't danced much since. I thought dancing would take me places. After all, I was voted Most Adventurous in high school. Instead, I work here because I needed money and haven't left. Terri thinks it's hilarious to make fun of me for being blonde, but only because she's jealous that her blonde locks come from a box. Her roots could use a touch-up.

(The camera once again shows the entire room, where people are minding their own business)

"And this is our sales team. Gotta make money somehow, right?" Terri adds. There are several members. Two brunettes, one sultry-looking and the other giddy and smiling, sit across from each other. The first – a Hispanic woman – is too busy staring at the receptionist, Brittany, to notice the crew. The other, wearing a cat sweater, is unashamedly flaunting herself in front of the cameras.

Terri clears her throat. "Now the salesmen – sorry, salespeople… women – include Santana Lopez, Rachel Berry, Mercedes Jones and this other girl."

(Camera flashes to "other girl's" nameplate which reads "Tina Cohen-Chang," who gives a contemptuous look)

Mercedes looks up from her magazine and sighs. "I told you I didn't want my face on camera before lunch."

"You don't have a choice," Terri chimes in.

MERCEDES: I told you I didn't want to be interviewed. Not before lunch. See me after I've had my tots.

TINA: I started here the same time as Terri. I don't know why she acts like she can never remember my name. When she does call me something, it's usually something stereotypical, like Lee or Wong or Chen.

(The camera closes in on a bewildered young man who is being approached by Terri)

"Ah, Sam! The new guy. This guy is – what's the word I'm looking for? Oh, he's a temp. Yup, this is his very first day on the job. And it's my duty to show him the ropes with the help of Rachel."

"I'm the assistant regional manager," Rachel beams. Santana scowls.

"You're the assistant to the regional manager," Terri corrects.

While they argue, a woman walks past Sam, who takes great interest in her. He's clearly sad to watch her go, but she does stick around long enough to tell him her name.

SAM: How's my first day going? Well, it's okay. I don't plan on working here too long. Santana – I think that's her name – keeps looking at my mouth when she's not up at the reception desk. She frightens me a little. Other than that, everyone seems nice though. Especially Quinn. I'd do her. Definitely going to tap that.

BRITTANY: He said he doesn't plan on working here long? That's what everyone says.

(Back at the reception desk)

Brittany answers the phone. "Dunder Mifflin, Lima Branch. This is Brittany speaking."

"Hello, Brittany," a familiar voice greets. "It's Will Schuester. Is Terri aware that I am coming in today? Because she hasn't responded to any of my emails and I was wondering if she forgot her password again."

"She hasn't changed her password as far as I know and I have it written down in case she forgets. I don't think she's checked her email in a few days, though. She probably saw one of those chain letters again and she's afraid of being cursed because she didn't forward it to two hundred people," Brittany explains. It's one thing to have to save her boss from herself, but it's another to save her boss from corporate. Will's used to Terri's behavior by now, though, so it comes as no surprise that he's constantly checking up on her.

"I'll be there sometime this afternoon," Will says, and then hangs up.

Brittany glances over to Terri, who is still giving a tour of the office. This promises to end in disaster, she knows without a doubt.

(Meanwhile, Terri wanders over to a cluster of desks that sit away from the others, where two men and one woman are hard at work)

Terri looks straight into the camera. "Accounting! Boring numbers! Which is why we put our most boring people in accounting. Just kidding! No, I'm not. There's three of them because three's a magic number and they like numbers! So therefore they like being boring."

"Finn Hudson," a rather tall man greets.

"Kurt Hummel," an impeccably dressed, pale man introduces himself. "And I'm anything but boring. Just ask my – my roommate, Blaine."

"Lauren Zizes. That's Z-I-Z-E-S," the sole woman in the accounting department says.

FINN: Accounting's not as hard as I thought it would be. Although Lauren does have to correct me a lot and Kurt says that all of my forms are more rumpled than my shirts. Then he offers to iron clothes for me and I don't have the heart to tell him no.

KURT: Have you seen his shirts? More wrinkles than Betty White's face.

LAUREN: The formulas never change. When I try to explain that to Finn, he gives me this pathetic smile and it makes me want to strangle him. So instead I find other ways to let him know how much I dislike him. Santana gave me a voodoo doll, but I don't think it's working.

(Brittany approaches Terri, who is taking a break from introductions)

"Terri, I need to talk to you," Brittany whispers, trying to be discreet as possible. "It's about –"

"Not now," Terri dismisses. "It can wait."

"Someone from corporate is coming in today," Brittany says, knowing all too well that if she mentions Will's name, Terri's likely to overreact.

"Go sharpen pencils or alphabetize the books in my office," Terri says. "You can fill me in later."

"You don't have any books in your office," Brittany says, but she leaves anyway.

"Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted, I was going to introduce these key players," Terri continues. "Although no one is as important as me."

A wiry Asian man smiles at the camera. "I'm Mike Chang. I am in charge of supplier relations."

"April Rhodes is the name. I'm the Quality Assurance Rep, but I'll be damned if I know what that means."

"Hi! I'm Quinn. I'm in charge of customer service. People call to complain and it's my job to make them happy. So usually I tell them a little story about how my parents kicked me out of my house when I was sixteen because I had a baby and then suddenly they aren't so upset. Works like a charm. But don't worry; it totally has a happy ending. My mom took me back in and kicked my dad out."

MIKE: I don't know how to say this… but April smells like she's been rolling around in a dumpster. Also, her breath stinks. I think she ate garlic for lunch. And Quinn's… insane. I don't know how to deal with all of the estrogen. Then I come home to Tina and she's my saving grace. Until she asks me to run out and get her some tampons.

QUINN: I'm calling my mom tonight because I met the man I want to marry. It's the new guy, Sam. I sent myself flowers so that he'd think I was seeing someone and become insanely jealous. Then he'd ask me out, fall head over heels in love with me, and then we'd have beautiful blonde babies together. Well, we'd dye their hair blonde since his is clearly bleached.

APRIL: Mike, he said to me, "you got halitosis." And I said, "Thank you." What a gentleman! By the way, did you know about this drink called Four Loko? Crazy Fours, as the English say. I'll have to tell Santana to thank her people, even if they're trying to come into our country illegally. Do you have any booze? Come on, it's five o'clock somewhere.

(A woman types on her computer with her back turned to the door of her office, unaware of the cameras)

"Emma Pillsbury, Human Resources. Moving on," Terri drawls, bored. She likes all of her employees, except for the redheaded HR woman. Something about the way she always catches Will's eye irks Terri like nothing else.

"Hello there – I'm," Emma begins, but is abruptly cut off by Terri.

"MOVING ON!"

(The scenery changes. They are no longer in the office. Instead, they are in what appears to be a storeroom)

"Down here is our warehouse where all of our paper is distributed and shipped and transported and sent," Terri yells over the sound of a forklift. "The guy in charge down here, Noah Puckerman, is a delinquent that I rescued off the streets. I turned his life around singlehandedly."

"I've never been homeless. I live with my mom and sister. And we met when you tried to pick me up at TGI Friday's," Noah states, "I told you – call me Puck."

"I live in an efficiency with a raccoon in the wall," Terri responds. "I keep trying to get my landlord, Howard, to do something about it, but he has fewer brain cells than the damn pest."

Puck raises an eyebrow, but doesn't offer anything more. Terri wanders over the forklift, which is being operated by a man in glasses.

"Puck, what is he doing up there?" Terri yells.

"Chill out! Artie's fine. This is all hand-controlled. There are no foot pedals," Puck assures her. It's not like Terri ever comes down here anyway, so he really doesn't know why she's freaking out about the handi-capable man driving heavy machinery.

"Could you bring me my chair?" Artie asks Terri timidly.

"Fine," she says as she shoves the wheelchair over to where Artie's struggling to get off the lift. Puck stops it from rolling away and helps him down into it.

"Thanks," Artie says to Puck.

"You're welcome," Terri replies indignantly.

PUCK: Terri's a terrible boss. In fact, that's usually what we call her down here in the warehouse. Terri-ble. I'd much rather work for Mr. Figgins, the man who owns the building and Figgins Refrigeration. But working here does have its perks. First of all, I don't do much. And whenever I need a good laugh, I just call up to the sales floor where my buddy Santana is. That way she gets a break from selling paper and I get a break from… taking breaks.

ARTIE: Most of the time I don't mind being paralyzed from the waist down. I'm used to it. But then there are times – like when Terri is around – that I really despise not being able to run away. My fiancée, Brittany, has to deal with her a lot more than I do, though.

(Cut back up to the office where Brittany and Santana are whispering)

"Are you serious? She actually tried to invite you to hang out?" Brittany giggles. Her favorite part of the day is when Santana comes up to her desk and shares stories.

"Yeah, I'm telling you, Terri's so desperate for friends that she'll do anything to convince people to come over to her apartment. She asked me what I like to do, but I was already busy with Puck, so I told her I like to dress up as a clown and scare little children. At first I thought she was going to accept, but then she must've changed her mind. I'm guessing her next call was to Rachel, who oddly enough looks like a clown every day," Santana embellishes as she watches Brittany's face light up.

"But if Terri and Rachel hang out and they both contract rabies from the raccoon, who will be in charge of the office?" Brittany asks playfully, knowing all too well that Santana would be the logical choice. Santana, despite her fantastic sales record, loathes working here almost as much as Brittany does.

To Brittany's surprise Santana smiles. It's because she notices that Brittany doesn't wear an engagement ring.

"So if you're not busy this weekend, I was thinking that maybe…" Santana begins, but before she can continue, Brittany chuckles again.

"I'm never busy," Brittany says shyly. "Most nights Artie and I watch One Tree Hill until it's time for bed."

"Umm… never mind. Forget I said anything," Santana says, dejected. Things had been going so well until Brittany brought him up.

Brittany touches Santana's arm as she tries to walk away from Brittany's desk. "No, I'd love to hang out."

"Really?" Santana asks, secretly glad that her ethnicity prevents Brittany from seeing her blush.

"Sure! The four of us could go out to dinner or something. Like a double date! You're seeing Puck, right?" Brittany says.

Flustered, Santana replies, "The four of – oh. Yeah. Perfect."

SANTANA: Do I like Puck? No. No, I don't have feelings for him. Not that I have feelings for anyone. Being single suits me, I think. That's why Puck and I have so much in common. He's always a groomsman, never a groom. Plus, the guy's number one priority is improving his kill/death ratio on Call of Duty. But if I wanted to find a – I could see myself dating someone who is a lot more intuitive. Someone who is sweet. Someone adventurous. Someone who sends a jolt of electricity down my spine every time we touch.

BRITTANY: Santana's my best friend in the entire office. She has this way of making me laugh and she always knows when I need something. She's definitely the bright spot in an otherwise bland day. It's strange, you know? I hate working here, but I look forward to seeing her. Sorry… What was the question again? Oh, yes. Artie and I are engaged. Thank you for asking.

(A curly-headed man in a suit enters and walks right into Terri's office. The employees all stare; none of them, excluding Brittany, knew he was coming)

"What's Will doing here?" Finn wonders aloud.

"He's making sure Terri hasn't burned the place down or sold it to Staples, most likely," Lauren responds with a roll of the eyes and resumes crunching numbers.

"If I were him, I'd get a restraining order against her, pronto," Kurt surmises. "She's all over him like a fat rat on a Cheeto."

Emma listens to the discussion as she grabs a drink from the water cooler, but fails to mask her disappointment. For once, she's glad no one pays her much attention.

EMMA: Office romances are discouraged, but not forbidden. So if Will wanted to date someone – but not Terri because Terri's a despicable human being – he could. It's worked for Mike and Tina. And Artie and Brittany. If I'm not mistaken, Santana and Puck are also an item. You mean they're not? I sometimes see them together. Huh.

(The camera crew heads into the break room where Santana is eating a tuna sandwich and Mike is waiting for his food to heat up in the microwave)

"Santana! I need to talk to you," Rachel demands.

"Did your dog die?" Santana asks.

"No. I don't have a dog. You know that," Rachel snaps.

Santana laughs. "I did not know that. The less I know about you, the smarter I feel."

Mike also snickers – only to receive a patented glare from Rachel.

Rachel taps her foot impatiently. "Explain this to me. Why is it that your sales are so consistent when all you do is talk to Brittany and play solitaire?"

"I'll explain that to you when you explain to me why every sweater you own has animals on it," Santana says.

RACHEL: Santana is my main competition. The rest of the sales team is mediocre. What I can't stand is how smug Santana gets whenever she makes a huge sale. I have devised a plan which will catapult me straight to the top. When the time is right, I will inform you of this. But until then, wait and see.

SANTANA: Okay, I do slack off a lot. But I know how to sell paper. It's not difficult and I meet my requirements. What is difficult is finding new and creative ways to annoy Rachel, who takes this job way too seriously. For example, a little while ago I took up knitting. That way I can knit my own animal sweaters with gruesome beasts. The one I'm working on right now depicts an eagle devouring a bunny. It's taking forever because I can't quite find a red yarn that looks enough like the color of blood. Before that, I finished a mother kangaroo accidently stomping its baby to death after it fell out of her pouch. Decapitations are my specialty.

(Will and Terri talk inside her office. They have their microphones on, but the door is shut. The crew settles for shooting the interaction through the window, which is made more difficult, although not impossible, because of the blinds)

"If you had checked your messages, you'd know the reason I'm here," Will states.

"Is this about that weekend we spent together at your apartment? Because I'm not used to eating homemade food. I live off of takeout and Lunchables," Terri says.

"What? No. I thought we agreed not to talk about that ever again," Will admonishes. "I'm here to let you know that we will be closing one of the Dunder Mifflin branches. And while your sales have always been consistent, they've tapered off lately. The decision isn't final yet, but it's come down to the Lima and the Dayton offices."

"That's terrible, Will! I can't be out of a job! How else am I supposed to pay off my Pottery Barn credit cards?" Terri says as she paces the room.

"I suggest you find some way to boost their morale. And you'd better do it fast."

WILL: Do I think that Terri can save the Lima branch? Not a chance in hell.

(The clock on the wall above the reception desk reads five pm)

"Hey Britt," Artie greets as he rolls through the door with Puck following closely behind. "You ready to go?"

"I'm going to say goodbye to Santana real quick, then we can leave," Brittany says. She glances over to where Puck has put his arm around Santana. She feels a little pang of – well, she's not quite sure what she's feeling – but whatever it is, she doesn't like it.

"You heading out?" Santana asks her sadly.

"Yeah. My favorite episode's on tonight. We really should get together on Saturday. I'll ask Artie what his plans are. I don't know why we didn't think of this sooner! Artie and Puck are friends. You and I are friends. It makes perfect sense," Brittany says.

"Definitely," Santana answers. She's torn between giving Brittany a goodbye hug and waving. As she moves to hug her, Brittany waves and Santana returns the gesture with both hands.

"Awkward," Puck mutters to Santana as Brittany and Artie leave. "Why do you do that to yourself? You know they're engaged."

"They've been engaged for years. If they were going to get married, don't you think they would've done it by now?" Santana retorts in a harsh whisper.

"Maybe it's time to take the Brittany goggles off, Tana. There's a world outside of Dunder Mifflin, you know? If you like chicks so much, I'll take you to a titty bar. I'll find you a slutty girlfriend who has way better things to do than answer phones and be Terri Del Monico's bitch," Puck says as they shuffle out the door.

Santana thinks for a moment. "How's Saturday?" she asks.

TERRI: Are my employees incompetent? No. Most of them are fully capable of doing their jobs. And this is a recession, which is not at all like recess. At least not according to Wikipedia. So I'd hate for corporate to close the branch down because at the end of the day, these people have lives. They have mouths to feed. And most importantly, they have me. I'm not your average boss. I'm a friend. So as their friend, I will do whatever it takes to save this place.

I really don't know if I'll continue this. If I do, it won't be updated often. I just have a lot of other WIPs.

The correlation between The Office and Glee characters goes something like this (although they are not exact. The personalities don't match perfectly and some romantic pairings are definitely not the same).

Jim Halpert – Santana Lopez
Pam Beesly – Brittany Pierce
Roy Anderson – Artie Abrams
Darryl Philbin – Noah "Puck" Puckerman
Michael Scott – Terri Del Monico
Jan Levenson – Will Schuester
Dwight Schrute – Rachel Berry
Ryan Howard – Sam Evans
Stanley Hudson – Mercedes Jones
Phyllis Lapin-Vance – Tina Cohen-Chang
Angela Martin – Lauren Zizes
Oscar Martinez – Kurt Hummel
Kevin Malone – Finn Hudson
Kelly Kapoor – Quinn Fabray
Creed Bratton – April Rhodes (but also with a healthy dose of Meredith…)
Meredith Palmer – Mike Chang (this is probably the worst… haha)
Toby Flenderson – Emma Pillsbury
Bob Vance - Figgins