"Hawke, are you sure you're alright?"

"Maker, the next person to ask me that…"

"I'm fine Merrill, I'm just tired. Things have been very hectic lately."

It was true, they had found the Qunari emissary but he was not going back to his people the same way he had left them. She tried to keep busy, to exhaust herself to the point that she would not be able to think…

About him…

About that night….

She still required his help and he did not refuse her, but that night and all thoughts of it assaulted her whenever he was anywhere close.

She felt used.

She knew his memory had begun to return but he refused to discuss it with her. All of her companions noticed the tension.

"You need a break sweet thing," Isabela purred, "You'll look old and haggard, then who with I have for eye candy?"

Selene groaned and rolled her eyes.

"What I need is for everyone to stop treating me like an invalid. Everything is great, I am perfectly content."

She didn't care if he heard her, it was a lie but he didn't need to know that. As she arrived home her uncle greeted her.

What's wrong?"

He seemed relieved to see her, Sandal's incessant replies of "Enchantment!" seemed to be getting on his nerves.

"There you are! Where's your mother? Is she feeling alright?"

She cocked her head to the side and frowned slightly.

"Why wouldn't she be? Why are you so upset?"

"She didn't arrive for her weekly visit, she is here isn't she?"

Bohdan walked up to them, hesitant.

"Perhaps she is with her suitor Serah, the one who sent the white lilies?"

White lilies? Why did that sound so familiar?

Her heart caught in her throat.

"What is it?" Gamlen asked.

"It's…nothing. I'm sure she is fine, let's go look for her."

They split up and scoured Low Town. People had seen her heading for Gamlen's house but it seemed she had disappeared into thin air. She returned to her uncle to find him threatening a young urchin boy.

"He says he has seen her but he will tell me nothing!" he growled furiously.

"Did you see where my mother went?" Selene asked the boy gently. He narrowed his eyes.

"What do I get for telling you?"

She slipped him some coins and he gasped in surprise, "That's real silver that is! I'm your man through and through!"

"Then tell me, where did she go?"

He scratched his head thoughtfully, "She went that way," he said, pointing to an old abandoned foundry, "She was with a man, he was all bloody like he'd been in a fight. That's all I know."

She sent her uncle home in case Leandra decided to show up there, she knew in her heart that it wouldn't happen.

"This place feels strange," whispered Merrill as they entered, "There is something wrong here."

"She must be here somewhere, we need to look around."

As she and her companions searched the room she noticed a sickly sweet smell that lingered in her nostrils.

"Hawke, over here!"

As Selene approached Merrill a body came into view, her heart caught in her throat.

"Alyssa!"

It was the woman she had saved from the blood mage they had suspected to be the white lily killer. A lot of good that had done her.

"There, a trap door."

They followed the path down and were immediately assaulted by demons.

"There's blood magic at work here," shivered Anders, a scowl fixed firmly on his face. As they progressed further into the tunnels under the foundry the sickly smell was thick in the air, she could not stop herself from gagging. They came upon a small room. A bookshelf, fireplace, table and bed were scattered about.

"Does he live here?" she whispered.

Something above the fireplace caught her eye.

"What…is this? The woman in the painting looks just like Mother…"

Her foreboding deepened.

"I need to find her, now!"

She ran, not caring if her friends followed her or not, her only thoughts were on Leandra and hoping she was not too late…

"I was wondering when you would show up."

A man stood before her. He wore the robes of a mage, his face was old and haggard and his greying hair was beginning to recede. He looked like a frail old man but she could feel the power coming from him. He watched her with cool grey eyes, she could see the evil there and shuddered.

"Where is my Mother?" Her voice was a low whisper, her heart in her throat.

"Leandra was so sure you would come for her,"

He scowled as he stepped forward, Anders and Fenris moving to stand next to her without hesitation.

"You will never understand my purpose. Your mother was chosen because she was special, now she is part of something greater."

What are you talking about? Let me see her!"

The panic in her voice was evident; she grasped her staff so tightly her knuckles began to turn white.

"She is here, she is waiting for you…"

He stepped around a chair that Selene had not noticed before.

"Do you know what the strongest force in the world is?" he asked her, "Love. I pieced her together from memory, her eyes, her skin…her delicate hands. And her face, that beautiful face…"

He turned to her, eyes gleaming, "I have touched the face of the Maker and lived!"

A figure stood from the chair, long grey locks falling over hunched shoulders.

"Mother!"

But the creature that stood before her was only a piece of the woman she had known.

Dead eyes stared at her, the mouth slack and hanging loose. She knew for the rest of her life she would never forget that image. The ground rumbled as the necromancer called forth an army of the dead.

"You will not take her away from me, not after all that I have achieved!"

"You are insane!" Selene screamed, she could not stop herself as she charged at her mother's killer. He deflected the blow of her staff, using magic to push her away. Her blood boiled, she could not see straight.

"I will kill you, I will killyou!"

A tempest raged around her. She gave into the magic, letting the forces of destruction overwhelm her. Lighting cracked, beams were pulled from the roof by the violent wind. Someone grabbed her, shaking her back to reailty.

"Hawke, get a hold of yourself! You'll kill us all!"

It was Fenris, holding her arms so tightly that it hurt.

"I don't care!" she screamed at him shaking him off, "I will make him suffer for what he has done to her!"

Merrill and Anders' magic combined with hers to quickly decimate the dead. All of the rage and hate she possessed for the necromancer channelled into one explosive spell. As it hit him sending him across the room, his face contorted. "No, you cannot defeat me! NOOOO!"

The agony on his face as his insides melted gave her a perverse satisfaction. As he crumpled to the ground gasping for air she placed one of her boots on his face and forced it down. A sickening crunch was heard as his skull splintered into his brain. The sound of a body hitting the floor behind her caught her attention.

"Mother!"

She sprinted to the poorly constructed corpse bride that now had the face of Leandra Hawke.

"There's nothing I can do," Anders whispered gently, "His magic was keeping her alive."

"I knew you would come…"

The voice of her mother caused her to look at the body, she was still in there.

"Don't move mother, we'll find a way to-"

"Don't fret darling. That man would have kept me trapped in here. Now I get to see Bethany again, and your father."

Her mother's voice was gentle, she could see that the magic was fading quickly. She could feel the hot tears on her cheeks as she stroked the woman's face."

"I should have watched over you more closely, I should have-"

Leandra smiled and she saw something of the woman that had been her mother.

"My little girl is all grown up and so strong, you've always made me proud…"

With those words the magic died and her mother along with it.

She couldn't move, instead she sat cradling her mother's head in her hands until strong hands forced her to stand. She strong to fight it but found she had no strength left. She sighed heavily as she let the darkness take her.

OOooOOooOOooOO

She read the note from Carver and felt nothing. He had not written it but she knew he blamed her. For the past three days the mage had confined herself to her room, barely eating, hardly sleeping…

She looked at herself in the mirror. Her usually golden curls were dull and lank at her shoulders. She was deathly pale and dark circles were visible under her eyes. She did not care, what did it matter?

She had refused visitors and knew everyone was worried about her, but if she let anyone in they would break her numbness and right now…

It was just too painful to feel anything.

The firelight glinting off her letter opener caught her eye. It was so sharp, so inviting…

She picked it up, spinning it in her fingers and pressing the point into her thumb. A crimson bead formed glowing in the light. Maybe she should do it, end it all. Her mother and Bethany were dead, Carver hated her, and Fenris…

"Oh Fenris…"

He had wanted to see her, he stood at the door for hours trying to get her to open it but she had refused him. It hurt too much; she didn't want to see pity in his eyes, or worse, disgust.

She held the blade to her throat and looked into the mirror, as she pressed down a line of blood formed. Without hesitation she slashed, feeling warmth as the blood gushed from the gaping hole in her neck. She watched herself pale and her eyes loose luminance before she could no longer stand, slumping to the floor as she heard the door open.

"Selene, I think it's time you-"

A sharp intake of breath followed by someone running reached her ears. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't speak. Blackness clouded her vision as she felt warm hands on her neck, but they felt so far away.

"Don't you die on me, don't you dare!"

She felt the coolness of the healing spell and tried to fight it.

"Damn it Anders!"

As her throat healed she screamed in frustration, "Just let me die! I want to die!"

She punched his chest, pushing against him, all the emotion she had kept pent up finally releasing. He did not let her go, holding her close as she cried into his robes. Her throat hurt with each sob which just made it worse. She stopped fighting and looked at him, the fear and anger in his eyes surprising her.

"What the hell?"

His voice was an angry whisper, "Don't ever do that to me again!"

His vehemence caused her to sit up, she could already feel the blood drying and caking onto her skin.

"What were you thinking?"

He sounded so perplexed and hurt, as though her attempting to kill herself was a personal insult.

"I would have thought that was obvious!" she croaked furiously, "What else is there for me? Everyone I love is dead or hates me-"

"Don't be stupid!" It was his turn to be furious, "What about your friends? We've been sick with worry about you these past few days. They wanted to give you space, I'm glad I didn't!"

"Leave me alone Anders…"

Her voice was tired. He grabbed her arm, not allowing her to stand. She tried to shake him off but he just gripped her tighter, she tried to hit him but he just caught her wrist pulling her to him.

"Let me go or I swear-"

"I love you Selene Hawke. I have never loved anyone the way I love you. I lay awake at night thinking about you, wondering if you're ok and when I do sleep you haunt my dreams. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you in my life…"

His words paralyzed her, she could not look away from the intensity in his eyes.

"I need you Selene, I need you in my life or I fear I shall be lost!"

He kissed her hard, pulling her close until she could hardly breathe. She did not fight him, instead kissing him back, sharing all of her pain and despair. He bit her and she moaned, pressing herself against him, running her fingers through his hair. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and froze. They were covered in her blood, lying on the floor in the rapidly drying pool. Her shoulder was exposed, smeared with his hand print. He stopped and followed her gaze, it looked like some sort of perverse blood ritual. He let her go, standing and helping her to her feet. She felt a little dizzy and weak from the blood loss but could feel herself strengthening by the second.

"I'm…sorry."

She shook her head, smiling shyly as she pulled her clothes about her properly.

"I think I should take a bath."

He frowned slightly and she knew he was concerned about leaving her alone.

"Don't worry Anders, I won't…I won't try anything like that again."

He left reluctantly, she knew he was just outside the door but she was true to her word. As she washed the blood and grime from her skin she felt renewed, but her thoughts troubled her, thoughts of Fenris and Anders. Fenris had been so gentle, so loving and yet had ever said he did, instead walking out and never looking back. Anders on the other hand was fiery and rough but he had said the words she longed to hear from the elf.

Her feelings were in turmoil, she still loved Fenris, still hoped he would walk through the door and kiss her until she passed out. Selene admitted she had turned him away the past few days but it was because she knew the concern he had for her was only friendly, it was plain to her he did not want what she wanted. She cared for Anders, but she had pushed away the thought of having any real feelings for him since the day he had warned her away, it had been by his own hand that she had tried not to love him. She sighed heavily and let her aching body sink deeper into the water.

"I am not cut out for this…"