disclaimer: I don't own anything, unfortunately, definitely not Atlantis.

ratings and warnings: first chapter is mild but will get rated M for later chapters, for steam and some dark themes (be warned!)

A/N: John and Teyla, captured, escaped then stranded. Can they find a way to forgive and forget all the shame and guilt and can they help each other to heal?

Thanks: To my good friend and kindred spirit S-L who is always there to give me feedback and encouragement whenever I need it and who encourages my writing addiction. May you stay away from rogue branches and mischievous rakes.

Feedback: Always welcome and responded to, unless you are anonymous and so I'll say thank you now. And thank you to all who left reviews for my other stories. This is what keeps writers going, so if you want more stories, leave more reviews.

The story is pretty much done and I will post a new chapter every few days as I find time to do final edits. Unless you all want to give me writing grants so I can quit my job and just write all day. But I'd need enough to feed a hubby and three kids, so send lots!

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Forgive and Forget

by Karasel

chapter 1

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"John, you are back earlier than expected," Teyla Emmagen exclaimed when she saw John walk in the back door of their little cottage.

John Sheppard grinned at Teyla and the slightly older woman standing next to her at the butcher block counter and greeted them.

"Hey, Teyla, Tenyse, yup I managed to bag a few shakar," he informed them thinking of the rabbit like animals that inhabited this planet. "I wanted to skin and clean them before dinner."

He looked at the array of vegetables that were in the process of being chopped up in front of the women. "Another cooking lesson, Tenyse?" John quipped. "We're going to owe you one big time."

Tenyse smiled though John could see the pain that still had not completely left her face at being separated from her family for so long. "It is I who will be forever in your debt for rescuing me from my captors."

Teyla laid her hand on Tenyse's arm and smiled. "Yet you assisted us in escaping, also. We can never repay you for that kindness."

Tenyse patted Teyla's hand. "Yes, but I am home and you are stranded on this world, far from your home."

"Don't sweat it," John offered trying to hide his grimace at the thought. "There are far worse places to be and at least we aren't anyone's … slave now."

Teyla noticed the hesitation John made before the word 'slave' and a feeling of dread and shame coursed through her. She took a deep breath in and calmed herself and saw John's eyes glued to her in concern.

"Well I'll let you get back to your lesson," John said as he pumped the handle on the water spout and did a quick rinse of his hands. "Teyla needs all the time and help she can get."

The response John got was a dishrag to the head from Teyla. He laughed as he caught it and used it to dry his hands.

Teyla folded her arms over her chest and threatened, "Perhaps you will need to eat the shakar that you caught and you may cook it and eat it outside."

John laughed knowing Teyla was only kidding. He threw the dishrag back at her then looked at Tenyse. "This looks like an awful lot of food. You should bring Finn and the kids and come join us. I still haven't got that cooler working right and I'd hate to see any food go to waste."

Teyla looked at her friend and nodded in confirmation. "That is a lovely idea, John. We would love to have you, Tenyse."

Tenyse smiled and replied, "If you would like the company I am sure Finn and I would be happy to share your meal. Although I fear Zeth and Kelina are travelling across the bridge tonight for a barn dance in the next village for all the young people."

"Teenagers!" John laughed as he rolled his eyes. He headed for the back door and said, "Excellent, I'm glad you'll be eating with us. It means you'll try a little harder to ensure Teyla makes the food palatable."

He slipped out the back door and managed to get it closed before the dishrag smacked against it.

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"So, what's this barn dance that's happening across the river? These kids have chaperones over there?" John asked jokingly.

Finn gave a deep laugh and nodded as he took another bite of the dinner that they were sharing. He knew John was only half kidding. He and Teyla may have only been here less than one lunar cycle but already these two had become attached to his and Tenyse's children. He and Tenyse of course had accepted them readily as friends after what they had done for her. And the rest of the village had pitched in as well, as best they could, to make them feel welcome and help them.

This cottage had been sitting unused since old man Pincett had died several winters ago and everyone had rallied around cleaning and stocking it with anything that was not already here that a couple would need to survive. And they had been given clothing, bedding and food as well as tools and equipment.

Finn knew John was still hesitant about using the tools to farm and plant as he hoped his people would find them here soon. But he saw the distress in both their eyes when they thought of the circumstances. Their people really did not know where they had gone and this planet's control crystal was missing to dial the Ancestral Ring to another world. He knew resignation was starting to come as John had finally consented to discuss what would be best to plant at this time and would grow quick.

Finn laughed and told John, "Yes, you need not worry, the dances are well chaperoned; probably more so than Zeth would like."

Tenyse leaned toward Teyla and confided, "We believe he has taken a fancy to Baraman and Sodif's oldest daughter, Sarana. He most likely wishes to be with her in a much less crowded environment."

Finn saw Teyla smile but also noticed that smile did not quite reach her eyes. He knew what she and John had endured before they came here and that it would take time to heal those wounds. He hoped it would be possible. He especially hoped this for his own bride. She had endured much during her long captivity. But now she was back and it was a cause to celebrate.

Finn raised his glass of wine that he and Tenyse had brought as a gift for being invited to dinner and gave a small toast. "To our new friends, John and Teyla; we give thanks for the day you returned Tenyse back to us and hope your lives will bring you what you desire. May we be able to assist you any way we can."

Everyone took a drink and Teyla replied, "And to our new friends, Finn and Tenyse, who have supplied us not only with all we need to survive but good friendship as well."

Sips were again taken and they all resumed eating, Teyla and Tenyse discussing the meal and how it was prepared. Finn was glad that Tenyse was helping Teyla learn how to cook. For one, he knew she needed it, if John's joking was anything to go by. But also because it gave Tenyse something to do to keep her mind busy and occupied when she was not busy with their own home. And now that the children were older she was not needed to do as much as she had before she went missing.

He stared at his beautiful wife and moisture filled his eyes when he thought of her being gone all those nine winters. Their children had barely been school age when she had been taken while on a trading trip, back before the crystal had been lost. But he had spoken of her so often to them, never wanting them to forget her that when she had miraculously returned they had known immediately who she was.

He had often told them of her soft golden hair that flowed down her back and her bright blue eyes that filled with laughter whenever they had done anything amusing. Her face was now a bit more lined and the pain she tried valiantly to hide still shown behind her smile but she was no less beautiful in his eyes. Unfortunately it was that very beauty that had caused her abduction as he knew it was so for Teyla and John as well. They were both very appealing to look at.

He could not regret too deeply that John and Teyla were here now in this village with them as they had become important members of the community already. They both had advanced skills and knowledge that had been beneficial to all around. And they were willing to share that knowledge and skill while they remained here. Thinking of that, Finn regarded John again.

"I showed that drawing you made to Timnis and he feels he should be able to fabricate those metal panels you desire. I would be very interested in seeing if this will indeed work."

Teyla and Tenyse looked up from their discussion and Teyla grinned, "What are you two scheming to build now?"

Teyla knew John was trying to make life a bit easier for them here and was using his knowledge of advanced machinery to achieve that. Or at least more advanced than these people had. But Teyla was not uncomfortable. This world was far more advanced than the people of Athos. Their houses were permanently constructed of wood and brick, their furniture was well crafted and upholstered and they had running water which came from the rapidly flowing river just a short distance behind their cottage. They had many simple machines and medicines available to them but John and Teyla had helped them to advance these just a bit more.

"I want to see if I can actually build a hot water tank so we could maybe take warm showers instead of filling a million pans of water and setting them to boil on the wood stove or fireplace. Not that sitting in that tiny, rusty old tub isn't a blast but I'd kind of like a bit more privacy than taking a bath in the middle of the cottage."

Teyla chuckled. "But the shower you constructed off the back is far from private, John, even if you could get the water to run warm."

"It's not private now," John agreed, "because it's just hanging off the back of the house. But if I can get this water heater working to actually keep some of the water warm, I'll enclose the shower area so it is private. We'll still need to go outside to take the shower but it'll only be a step off the back porch. And Finn, you said winters here are fairly mild, right? No snow or frost."

Finn nodded his head. "Winter season here is mild with only colder rains and wind that come down from the mountains. The temperature still stays temperate. And winter season has just ended and will not be back for quite some time."

John looked at Teyla and gave a hopeful smile. "And we may not even be here that long if we're lucky. You know Atlantis will be looking for us. I'm sure Rodney will find some way to track us and get us back."

Teyla tried to put feeling into her smile at John's hopes but she knew their situation was not hopeful. Atlantis had no way of knowing where they had gone. They had in fact been on four different worlds since their disappearance. Tracking them would be difficult if not impossible. They still had their sub dermal tracking devices but with many thousands of planets in this galaxy it would be a miracle to find them that way. She tried not to think of it too much as she then began to worry about her people and how they were fairing.

John took a deep breath and looked at Finn again and started discussing the parts he needed to get the cooler working. These people had no electricity but they did have the fast flowing river and a dozen water wheels to help power their mills and pump their water. John had tried to make a small refrigeration device using the cold water of the river and pumping it through some pipes into an insulted metal box. Everyone in the village was rooting for him as they knew if he was successful then they would be able to make one, too. Or more likely Shuntar would start making them and selling them as he was the one who had helped John create the one they had here. If only he could get it to work properly.

Teyla was still asking Tenyse questions about some of the fruits and vegetables of this planet and different ways to prepare them. The fair haired Finn was of course chipping in with his favorite way to cook each of these while his wife tried to hush him up. John grinned at this and was happy to see it. These two had been apart for so long but after just barely a month it seemed like their relationship was back to what it must have been like before Tenyse was taken.

He wondered if that would happen with him and Teyla; if they could go back to the way they had been before all this; best of friends. But they were in a bit of a different situation. He and Teyla had not been married or even romantically involved before all this shit had taken place. Not that he hadn't entertained ideas of being romantic with Teyla pretty much since he'd first met her but he had never taken that step.

And now he knew he probably never could. Not after what he'd done. What he'd been forced to do just to get them through this alive. Teyla had never laid blame on him or given him any indication that she despised him for his actions but he despised himself. He knew he'd do it again in a heartbeat to protect her from what they'd wanted to do to her. What he figured they had done to her when they'd been separated from each other and he hadn't been there for her. Even more guilt for him to gnaw on, knowing he hadn't been able to completely protect her.

He took a deep breath and swallowed hard against the bile that threatened to rise up his throat at these thoughts. For now he would try and make Teyla's life a bit easier with some of his 'inventions' and upgrades. He knew she didn't care. They were all conveniences that the Athosians didn't have anyway but that she had gotten used to on Atlantis.

He pushed his plate away unable to even think about eating anything else right now. Luckily he had eaten most of it and it had been surprisingly good, although he knew Tenyse had made sure Teyla followed her directions explicitly. He looked around and noticed the others had finished their meals as well.

"So Teyla, you made sure to take notes on how to make this, right? Really clear and detailed notes so you don't forget a step or two when you try and make it next time that it's your turn to cook? " John teased in her direction and saw the glare she shot back at him but she remained quiet.

John and Finn picked up the plates and deposited them in the large, square sink next to the window and John pumped some water into it to give them a quick rinse until they could wash them properly. The ladies cleared the rest of the table and Tenyse pulled some pastries from the bag she'd brought along and set them on the table.

"I made some of these from the berries you picked from your bushes that grow down by the river. Teyla was kind enough to share them with us so I thought I would share the final product. You may have them for dessert now or save them for the morning."

John picked one up and smelled it. It smelled amazing. "Thank you, Tenyse. They look wonderful but I know I'm pretty full right now. I think I'll save mine for morning. Teyla, you gonna save yours, too, or eat it now and then fight me for this one in the morning?"

Teyla squinted her eyes at John and pursed her lips. "Tenyse gave us enough to have more than one each." And she opened the towel the pastry was wrapped in for John to see there were maybe half a dozen or more of the small muffin like items inside. "So I believe I will have one now and then another for breakfast."

John gave a smug grin. "As long as I get my share."

Teyla just rolled her eyes and bit into her dessert. Finn had one as well but Tenyse did not. Soon after, the couple made their excuses and gave their thanks for the dinner invitation. John and Teyla escorted them to the front door.

"It was lovely to have your company tonight," Teyla told them graciously as they stood on the front porch saying goodbye. "And thank you, Tenyse, for helping me prepare dinner. It was nice not having John complain the whole meal about how distasteful the food is."

"Hey!" John sputtered and nudged Teyla's shoulder with his own. "I never complain about the meal regardless of how … not like Tenyse's it is."

Teyla chuckled along with Finn and Tenyse as she replied, "Your mouth may not say the words but your eyes speak very loudly at times."

"She has you there, my friend," Finn said as he clapped John on the back. "Although you do try to hide it well. Teyla, he should be given points for his polite attempts."

Teyla sighed and crossed her arms over her chest. "Perhaps."

Tenyse and Finn gave a final wave and began their short journey up the road. John figured it couldn't be more than a half mile. He didn't worry about them though. This town was incredibly safe and everyone watched out for each other. There were several houses between here and theirs plus the light from the two moons was shining brightly tonight.

Teyla moved back into the house and took the pan filled with water from the corner of the stove where it had been sitting all night. She placed it in the sink and began adding soap. John moved up next to her and after she scrubbed a dish or cup he would rinse it off with the pumped water and set it on the butcher block counter so they could dry them. This they did together once they were done washing and rinsing. Then they put them into the cupboard under the counter.

This had become their nightly routine and John really didn't mind. It was nice just standing beside Teyla in companionable silence as they cleaned up from their meal. Many nights they ate just the two of them, taking turns catching and preparing the meal but they often had invitations to the houses of others from the village. In the first week they were here they had needed to either eat elsewhere or have food brought to them and John had felt a little guilty at just taking the food but the last few weeks he and Teyla had been truly helping these people.

John had assisted in putting up buildings and repairing machinery and general manual labor while Teyla had been helping in the village medical clinic. Not that she had a huge amount of training but she had taken many workshops that the Atlantis doctors had offered in field medicine and she had helped Keller as well when treating the Athosians. She was now using this knowledge to assist these people.

The clinic was not big as the town only had about three hundred people in it but the neighboring village across the river also had a similar number and would come to their clinic if they needed medical care. Teyla had enjoyed meeting and getting to know the people of the village and the next one and John knew they were thankful for her assistance.

John now went over and added a few more logs onto the fire in the large fireplace that took up almost the entire back wall. Tucked right into it was the wood burning stove and to the left was a built in oven right in the brick. John wondered if Teyla would ever get the hang of baking in it. They usually ended up getting bread from the baker in town and as John had helped the man get his mill grinding more efficiently, they had all the bread they needed.

John looked around the small cottage noting the improvements they'd already made. Teyla had added curtains to the window in the front and the one on the side over the sink, the only windows in the place. The front and back door stood opposite each other on the right side of the house with a small water closet near the back. It wasn't ideal but he figured it was better than having to go outside for an outhouse or to just use the woods.

The double bed took up the front left corner and the round table they'd eaten at with the four wooden chairs resided in the middle of the room. A large wooden settee with cushions on it sat at an angle to the fireplace with an accompanying chair and coffee table. Aside from the dresser and some shelves on the left wall there wasn't much else in the cottage. And there really wasn't much space for privacy.

He'd cobbled together a large trifold screen that Teyla had added some pretty cloth to so they would have somewhere to change and to keep the bed from being so prominent in the room. He knew Teyla appreciated that. He just wished he could do more for her.

John finished building up the fire and strolled to the back door to see that Teyla had wandered out to the back porch to sit on the top step. He knew she liked to listen to the water rush past in the river and see the moonlight sparkle off the surface. He wondered if she wanted to be alone now though and wasn't sure he should push his company on her.

But Teyla being Teyla had sensed his presence and invited him to join her with just a small wave of her hand. He cautiously approached and sat down next to her leaving a few feet between them. He didn't say anything and just listened to the water rolling past just a short distance away. Teyla leaned against the left side of the porch and sighed. John tried to see if she was okay but the back porch was covered and so the moonlight did not reach her face.

"You all right, Teyla?" John asked just to make sure.

"Yes, John, I am fine," she said and he could tell from her tone of voice that she was. Maybe not exuberant and joyful but maybe like him she had decided to accept that this could be their home for quite some time if not forever and they should probably get used to it and find enjoyment where they could.

They sat quietly by each other's side and breathed in the clean night air and relaxed with the sounds of night animals scurrying around and water flowing.

He wasn't sure how long they stayed that way but Teyla finally stood up and said, "Morning will come early and I promised to deliver some medicine across the river to one of the patients we saw today. I believe I will retire now so I will be rested enough to do it. Good night, John."

As she opened the back door, John gently called out, "Good night, Teyla."

Teyla entered the little house and John gave her time to clean up and get in bed. By the time he moved and came in she was already behind the screen and had put out the oil lamps near the bed. He figured she probably wasn't asleep yet but he still was as quiet as he could be so he didn't disturb her.

He checked the fire again and made sure everything was tightly closed for the night, windows and doors. Then he gathered his blanket and pillow from the cabinet by the wall and sat on the couch. He rubbed his hand over his face and felt the beard that he hadn't bothered to scrape from his face. They had razors here but it wasn't something he ever liked doing anyway and so he figured it was just easier to skip the morning routine. He then removed his boots and socks then his clothes and slipped on a pair of sleep pants he'd gotten from one of the shops in town. He'd helped the owner repair and adjust a pulley system that would make unloading goods much easier. He managed to get some new outfits for Teyla and him for that service.

He shrugged on his black t-shirt, chagrined that he now only ever used it for sleeping. These people had yet to develop a stretchy material like the cotton of this shirt and it was the only comfortable top to sleep in. And he didn't want Teyla to feel uncomfortable if she woke up before him and he was lying around with no shirt on.

He placed the pillow on one end and shook the blanket out around him as he tried, unsuccessfully, to find a comfortable position on the too short piece of furniture. For the first few weeks Teyla had argued that she would fit on the settee much easier because of her shorter limbs but John wouldn't even consider it. Now she didn't even try as John had steadfastly refused to even think of it. He figured being uncomfortable was the least he could do to atone for his sins. Of course he'd never tell Teyla that.

His gaze strayed to the screen he had built to give her at least a tiny bit of privacy and hoped she was sleeping already. He listened for her breathing and pretty soon the rhythmic sound of it filled his ears. He sighed in relief knowing she needed the sweet release of sleep to help prepare her for the coming day and help her forget what had been done to them.

Unfortunately he knew sleep would be a long way off for him. Guilt clawed at him over and over and when he closed his eyes, his dreams were unkind. They brought images of Teyla and him in desirable situations but he knew it wasn't reality. Knew it wasn't any kind of reality he could ever expect. Not for him and not from Teyla. They'd stolen that away from him when he and Teyla had been taken. Now he had nothing left but to make life as easy for her as he could while they waited for the rescue that he knew in his mind was never coming.

He just hoped that maybe one day Teyla could find it in her heart to forgive him and maybe he could find a way to forgive himself. But he knew, both of those were a long time in coming.

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