Chapter 10

The next day her friends were nowhere to be seen. She'd have to eat breakfast with the Paceys. Caroline didn't necessarily mind, but she had gradually begun feeling like the odd man out, sandwiched between the children and the adults.

Just as she was about to sit with the family, she caught sight of Bonnie grabbing some coffee and sitting down several tables away. As soon as she saw Caroline, Bonnie waved her over and Caroline quickly excused herself.

"How are you holding up?" Bonnie took a long sip of her coffee.

"I'm all right. But Jeff barely slept last night. I feel sorry for Edna and Pete. And Penny- she has to share a room with him."

"It's not his fault. I think nightmares are pretty much routine here. It'll get better."

Caroline nodded. She figured as much. "How did the meeting with Mr. Saltzman go?"

Bonnie groaned. "It's still going on. I just couldn't take it anymore. As if waking up early wasn't bad enough."

"What's he so upset about?" Caroline lowered her voice. "That Damon's here?"

"I don't even think he knows." Bonnie's brow furrowed. "No, he was flipping his shit because we had a changeover - Mike. He thought we should have been more cautious."

"How could you have known?"

"My point exactly. Not that Alaric sees it that way."

"And Damon?"

"He's alive as far as I know." Bonnie leaned forward slightly. "Seems like Eddie managed to keep quiet about that for now at least."

Caroline bit her lip. "Do you think maybe I could…see him?"

Bonnie looked at her oddly. "Why would you want to?"

"I'm just…wondering - about some stuff."

She nodded "The compelling."

Caroline fiddled with her mug. "Elena said Damon compelled me in front of you guys. What was that all about?"

Bonnie's brows furrowed. "That was before the vampires. He was using you to get to his brother. It's… complicated."

Caroline was curious, but she already had another question in mind. "And he pretended to be my boyfriend?"

Bonnie nodded slightly. "We got you away from him as soon as we knew he was messing with your head."

Caroline stayed silent for a while, processing the information. "You said the vampires-they…erase memories now," she finally said.

"It's easier for them. They don't need to continue with the compulsion. They take all the resistance away. It's like they own you, inside and out."

"Damon didn't do that to me," Caroline said quickly.

"You wouldn't be here if he had." Bonnie's expression darkened "There's no way to undo erasures. We started seeing them a couple of years ago. We couldn't help them, they'd end up…causing problems."

"What did you do?"

"I thought it was like reversing compulsion, but that didn't work…" She took another sip. "It was really dangerous to keep them around."

Caroline froze, the way Bonnie described it sent chills down her spine. "You…killed them."

"They were not people anymore." Bonnie's voice didn't waver. "Just puppets. We had no choice. They're no different from the vampires. We wouldn't have survived otherwise-"

"I should get going," Caroline interrupted, not wanting to hear more. Her friends wouldn't do this. They couldn't. "I need to see if Edna needs me." She stood up.

Caroline snapped wide awake, heart pounding. Another nightmare. She sat up on the couch, waiting for her breathing to slow. She could still see Mike's contorted face, feel his fangs pierce her skin…

She tried to blink the image away and stood, making her way to the kitchen. The enclosed space did little to help her brittle nerves and she shot a look at the door. At the very least, fresh air would do her good.

She opened the door and slipped out. It was midday and warm out with a slight breeze. The Paceys were out with the kids and Caroline had decided to come back and take a nap. She didn't know how the rest of the family kept going. To hear them tell it, they had it easy, in addition to cafeteria shifts, cleaning shifts, and whatever else Caroline hadn't found out about, Peter had perimeter watch twice a week. Edna had hers once a week. Everyone had watches, they said.

The rest of the time they spent it with the kids, or in defense training, or working their small plot in the back. Bonnie had said their schedule was more relaxed because they were the only family with children on the island. It still seemed like a lot to Caroline. No one had made her to do anything, and she'd only arrived a a short while ago, but it was hard not to feel useless, when surrounded by so many people actively doing stuff all the time.

Bonnie's 'unit', as they called the resort cabins, was a couple of cottages down and she walked towards it experimentally. Bonnie wouldn't be there, she'd said during breakfast that she was slated for afternoon patrol.

It was a little strange being alone after spending so much time surrounded by either the family or Bonnie. Everyone wanting to know how she was, how she felt, what she wanted. She knew that Bonnie had been about to offer returning her memories more than once, but something about it felt wrong. She didn't know if she could take it.

She sighed and continued walking past Bonnie's along the dirt road they'd taken to get here.

More memories had been surfacing. The outline of her mother came up, severe in her sheriff's uniform. Caroline had always thought it looked terrible, the shirt squared her torso, the pants made her look fat. Her mom's fashion sense wasn't that much better when she was in normal clothes, but then again her mom had never put any stock in that stuff.

Caroline remembered the look on her face when she told her mom she'd made the track team, like it was the Olympics, like it actually mattered. She dropped out the next year to try for the cheearleading squad. Maybe she shouldn't have done that.

Caroline passed by various nondescript buildings - storage sheds, she thought. In the distance she could see a small barn. Several minutes later she passed another aged sign this time for 'Moss Field'. She kept going without paying it any mind.

"Caroline?"

She whirled around and jumped back, heart in her throat. It was a guy, dark hair, muscular build—more or less her age, except for the eyes. The eyes…

Stefan took a slow step back. She noticed the crossbow he held in his hands were raised. "It's okay, Caroline."

"Stefan."

He smiled gently. "You remember."

Bits and pieces. The ill-fated party? Photos? She remembered from somewhere. "I was just out for some air. What are you up to? I haven't seen you around much. At all, actually. I mean I haven't been here long, but-"

"Afternoon patrol," he interrupted. "I heard you're living with the Paceys."

"They've been really nice." It seemed like something she should say.

"They're good people."

Just then the chitchat felt unbearable. "Have you heard…" Caroline couldn't help asking in a low voice, "About Damon?"

"Elena told me." Much as she tried, Caroline couldn't get more than blankness from his expression.

"So you haven't seen him?"

He paused and she detected pity. "Caroline, I'm very sorry for what he did to you."

"It's fine." He hadn't answered the question. Caroline continued, trying to add some levity, "I don't remember most of it. Kind of hard to be mad about something you don't remember. I just…I don't want them to kill him. Is that weird? I mean, he's your brother, don't you feel- "

"It could be some remnants of the compulsion."

She hadn't expected that response. "I guess. That's what everyone thinks, right?" Caroline forced a laugh. Suddenly, she felt sick of everything covered up, prettied up, when the reality was so much worse. "But he's your brother, isn't he…"

Stefan's mouth formed a steely line. "Damon might be my brother, but he's caused enough grief and suffering to last a lifetime for everyone here. Including me."

"Why?" she asked impulsively. "I keep hearing, bits and pieces. I know Damon let the vampires in the tomb out, but why would he do that?" Stefan looked uncomfortable, but she'd gone too far too stop. "Did he know what would happen? I have to know," she pleaded. "I've tried to ask, but…please, Stefan."

Caroline could see the pity in his eyes battling with something else. When he spoke again he sounded weary, as if he'd told the story too many times. "Their leader-she was someone Damon cares about. He knew what she'd do if she got loose. It didn't matter to him."

It didn't make sense. "Oh."

Stefan cleared his throat. "You shouldn't be here. Moss Field-this part of the island- crosses over with Boar's Point- it's less developed—there's snakes around and other unpleasant stuff."

"Oh, well, I guess should—I should head back then. I'll see you around, Stefan." She began walking back. Ten steps later when she looked back, he was gone.

The next day she helped Edna with the garden. The work, although simple, kept them busy until early afternoon. Like most of the survivors at Pine Breeze, they had a plot which they shared with the rest of the community. Caroline had never liked getting her hands dirty, but she welcomed the activity. It was easy enough to follow Edna's instructions.

Bonnie came over scarcely an hour after they were done and Caroline joined her for defense training. She'd only watched the day before, amazed at the intensity of the routine. She'd gathered that Edna only went to one, but that Elena and Bonnie went to several sessions. The session she'd seen was all women and had been led by Maddie, the strawberry blonde who'd warned Bonnie and Elena about Mr. Saltzman. To Caroline, the practice vaguely resembled kickboxing lessons and Caroline left both impressed at her friends and skeptical that she'd be able to pull it off.

Maddie had been particularly hard on Elena, Caroline had noticed, yelling at her to go faster to aim her kicks higher, though every move Elena had executed seemed perfect to Caroline's eyes. Elena had never complained though.

This session was similarly all women and held in the gym, which was housed in a building behind the cafeteria. Caroline caught a view of the pool outside through the muddy floor length glass windows of the gym. The water in the pool had gone green and murky from disuse.

"I don't know if I can make it through the routine. "Caroline whispered to Bonnie.

Bonnie gave her a reassuring smile. "Do what you can. You can always take a break."

At the head of the group was a dark-skinned man with a shaved head and a booming voice, maybe a couple of years older than Maddie. Robinson, she thought Bonnie had said.

Elena was at the front and smiled at them as they took their place.

Caroline couldn't help the feeling of déjà vu as they warmed up. Every once in a while though something would jar her, the movements, the scenarios painted while she went through the routine, the vampire is behind you, he grabs you, tries to bite.

Caroline tried to keep up, but kept losing her coordination.

"You can watch today, if you want to," the man spoke up after Caroline lost her balance and almost fell on Bonnie. She felt herself flush and stepped away from the group, flashing Bonnie an apologetic smile. There was apparently weapons training at some point too, Caroline just hoped she wouldn't accidentally shoot anyone.

A couple of more routines and their instructor, leader, whatever, called a break. The group disbanded and Bonnie approached with Elena in tow.

"I'm going to get a drink, coming?"

"No, you go ahead," Caroline answered.

"Okay." Her friends went off and Caroline stood. She wondered if the déjà vu was tied to the cheerleading, but she'd been so good at it. Even Elena hadn't been as good as she had. Caroline remembered the warm up, pulling her leg back to stretch it, the other followed. Bending from the waist, holding the position for a few seconds before straightening up. Rolling her shoulders, then her neck. Lunging to stretch the hamstring.

Every day at one. Because that was normal.

That wasn't from the cheerleading, Caroline blinked. It wasn't normal. It hadn't been. She'd been compelled. By Damon.

The group filed back in.

"All right," Robinson began again. "Remember you all have vervain in your systems, which means that you have a chance even after bitten."

God, she couldn't stand the taste of it, Caroline thought. It had only gotten more nauseating since she started taking it until she couldn't anymore.

"Your priority is to get distance between you and the vampire. Focus on that."

Caroline rubbed her temples, not kicking the surreal quality of the scene. She was just Caroline, just lucky to be alive.

Bonnie pulled Caroline getting her to stand. "Come on," she said. "Give it another shot."

She'd left Bonnie for some quiet at the Paceys' unit, knowing they'd be out with the kids. At nightfall though she but met up with her friends again for dinner. Caroline noticed how the other people greeted them, nodded at them, but kept out of their way. The older survivors seemed to sit together while Maddie and Eddie sat with others Caroline hadn't been introduced to yet. The instructor, Robinson, sat at another table with other unfamiliar people.

"You know what I started craving?" Bonnie began, breaking through Caroline's thoughts.

"Oh god, not again," Matt groaned.

"French toast. Lots of syrup." Bonnie continued. "Too bad we couldn't get to the syrup last time."

"You can keep crying about the syrup," Elena said dryly. "It's the M&M's that keeps me up at night."

"You could have easily grabbed some."

"And left the box of clothes, right-"

"What about you, Caroline?" Matt turned to her, cutting off her friends' bickering. "Any cravings?" Caroline blinked, feeling the weight of everyone's stare.

"Uh." She wracked her mind, feeling flustered. Just say something, anything, she thought, but found herself feeling even more awkward.

"She just got here." Bonnie came to her aid. "I guess you don't miss anything much yet right?"

Caroline smiled weakly. "Yeah…I guess."

"How's Jeff these days?" Matt asked.

She sighed. "Better. Kind of. Edna says it's going to pass, but for now it's kind of tough for anyone there to get uninterrupted sleep."

"I know what that's like. I can't sleep too well after a raid," Matt said quietly. "And it's only been a couple of days. Those are the roughest." Elena and Bonnie were nodding.

Caroline broke off a piece of her cornbread, wishing Matt hadn't asked. A somber mood had descended over the table. She felt like such a mood killer.

"Do we have a date for the next one?" Bonnie changed the subject. "Speaking of raids."

"You don't know?" Elena asked.

"She left early," Matt reminded her.

"I just wasn't feeling like dealing with Alaric."

Matt nodded sympathetically. "He was being a dick."

"Can you blame him though?" Elena protested. "That was a huge risk."

"It wasn't my fault," Bonnie shot back.

"He didn't say that—"

"Guys, meeting is over," Matt interrupted. "Bonnie, Rick set up the next raid for the end of the month."

"That's too long." Bonnie frowned.

"We have enough," Matt assured her. "The coast is bound to be crawling right now. I don't know if we should take that chance."

"You don't know or Alaric doesn't know?"

"Bonnie—"

The Paceys had just gotten up from their table and Caroline stood eagerly.

"Where are you going?" Bonnie asked.

"The Paceys are leaving."

"You don't have to go with them." Bonnie looked concerned. "I told them you'd be staying with me later on."

"It's just easier," Caroline said uneasily. "For now. Jeff gets really upset. I mean it's a little better, but I still think I should go. I'll see you tomorrow." Her words sounded like excuses to her ears, but they were all she had for now.

Caroline fell into a pattern over the next week, breakfast with Matt and Elena, tending to the garden with Edna, lunch with her friends, training, dinner, wash, rinse, repeat. It should be fine, she had friends who cared for her, lived surrounded by people. Her friends had gone out of their way to introduce her to everyone, but the names flew past her. Nothing left a dent. She still felt...numb.

Caroline didn't expect it, not after the compelling. With the return of her memories, she was sure that she'd feel either sad or enraged, or something. Anything. Part of her wanted to rush to Bonnie and beg to have all her memories back. But as warm as her friends were towards her, she sensed there was much they didn't say. She hadn't asked about why Stefan stayed away from them. Why Elena seemed to train more than anyone.

Little by little, Caroline begun remembering, flashes of moments, or places, people. And still, she felt like an automaton. Every time she opened her mouth to tell Bonnie about it, to tell Elena about it, the words died in her throat. Bonnie would offer to give her the memories back. Caroline didn't know if she could refuse. Would Bonnie understand? And Elena seemed strangely out of reach. Come to think of it, Caroline didn't think she'd spent any time alone with her.

What is this just how it was? Or worse, was this how it would be from now on?

So Caroline'd skipped lunch one day, going back to the dirt road where she'd met Stefan. She still didn't know why he didn't eat with them. Why she'd hardly seen him at all.

The path was silent except for the fluttering of birds high up on the branches of the live oaks. She walked down past the storage sheds. Stefan had said there were snakes, but she had yet to see one.

There was no sign of Stefan and she kept going, continued aimlessly until she got to the barn.

She stopped there, and walked in, there was a horse in the stall and she remembered she'd done horse riding for a bit before it got too expensive for her mom. She cooed and reached a hand out to rub its muzzle.

"Caroline?"

She sucked in a breath and froze. It hadn't been more than a whisper.

"Caroline?"

She should go, she thought. Just turn around and leave. But instead, she walked further into the barn, where there was a padlocked door and a small slot.

"Who's there?" she asked.

Soft laughter rang out.

"Damon." She felt strangely relieved. "You're alive."

"Wouldn't go that far," he groaned. "How's the… reunion?"

"Fine," she said. "What do you care?"

"That was the agreement… I help you… You help… me," he rasped.

"I never agreed to be compelled." Her eyes narrowed. "And it hadn't even been the first time, either," she added. "You lied to me."

"Omissions," he pointed out. "Are not lies. You're not… angry over that, are you?"

Caroline leaned back against the wall opposite the door. "No," she answered honestly. "I wish I were, but I'm not. I wish… I felt something, but even with the memories back there's just nothing. And everyone knows everyone and I can't recognize them. I don't fit." She let her head fall back against the wall and looked up to the rafters. "But, I don't know if I ever did. And it sucks."

She shut her eyes. "I don't even know why I'm telling you this. You don't care. It's probably the remnants of the compelling. That's what everyone says. Maybe I should just ask Bonnie to just bring them all back and get it over with." She paused. "I don't even know why I'm here. You hate me. You hate all of us." Somehow admitting to it all felt like a betrayal.

"I don't hate any of you," he surprised her by wheezing out. "I just don't care."

She laughed bitterly, despite herself. His words were an echo of Stefan's. "You're an asshole. They might kill you, you know." She looked down at her hands.

"I'm touched…you care."

"Isobel was right, wasn't she? You saved me to get Stefan to forgive you. You know what Stefan said? That you cared about the vampires' leader. Seems like you cared more about her than him. But Stefan seems to care more for Elena now, so I guess it's even."

He stayed silent and she wondered if that hurt on some level, but the words had slipped out without malice.

"I'm gonna go," she said, standing up. "They might be looking for me."

"Caroline."

"What?"

"Blood." It was a whispered plea. In her mind's eye, she could just see the bloodlust on his face as it twisted his features.

Caroline rushed out wordlessly.