Author's Note: Hello everyone! I humbly present you with the first chapter of my new Shizaya story "Drastically Sarcastic". I know it's another one... Yet, "Affections in Richter's Scale" are going nicely and this is the story that I'm writing in between. Just to kill the time when my lovely beta is checking the first one... Besides, the idea for this story was in my head along with the first one. I just couldn't wait anymore... I must inform that it arose from the unfulfilled request on kink meme. I felt the need to write it simply... It won't be so often updated, but I hope you will like it nevertheless.

So, this will be a Shizaya fic with Shizuo as the ill-tempered cop and as for Izaya? You will see for yourself I hope... :) A bit lighter mood also. Enjoy...

Heiwajima Shizuo wasn't a calm and patient person. It all went downhill from there... And it wasn't like he chose to be that way exactly. It was just a fact. He had a bad temper – a hellish one you could say even – he was like that from his early years. Even as a kid he was the first one to lose his cool over things. And it didn't help that he was fast to throw a tantrum because of rather trivial things at that. At least according to an average person's point of view. And so, no matter where or with whom he was, something had to go wrong. What made it more of a hassle?

For starters, it were always strangers that got caught up in it. One could say that maybe it were good news for his friends, but not for the rest of the population...? Not in reality. Because, being with Shizuo, one never felt... at ease, scared of what a seemingly innocent passer-by could say or do to make him go rampant suddenly. And it wasn't a nice situation to find yourself in – trying to put up a front of a good, law-abiding citizen, right? A question of priorities arose then... It was nearly impossible to calm Shizuo and that left one with a dilemma. To call the police and act responsible, what was equivalent with denouncing a friend, or stay silent and watch the hell burn, what make one break the law to some extent. Both options left the person with remorse.

Second problem? Heiwajima Shizuo was a man of inhumane strength. And it wasn't an exaggeration... As a middle-school kid, probably even younger, he participated in fights and won – no matter the number of opponents, their weapons or other circumstances. He had gotten hurt more than once, yet he seemed to ignore the pain or not realise that there was any damage to his body. He should be compared to an ant – able to lift an enormous amount of weight and throw it fearfully far. He healed unnaturally fast also, putting all of the doctors and nurses in awe. In other words, Heiwajima Shizuo made an impression of not being a human at all or a humanly monster of kinds at best. A mutant, perhaps?

That all being said, Heiwajima Shizuo hasn't had the chance to make many friends or lovers. He was mostly feared or detested. There were people that looked at him in wonder and a few in admiration; however, they usually observed him from afar. Thanks to that, he was used to solitude and self-dependence. Hence, the current situation didn't stay well with him. Truthfully, it pissed him off. Nothing out of the usual...

But now... what was the current situation?

Well, despite how irrational and improbable it seemed thanks to the description of Heiwajima Shizuo's persona, he was an actual police officer. More exact, a part of the homicide department's staff. An investigator or a detective to make it easy... There wasn't a partner he worked with longer than a month – all of the men assigned to him resigned or pleaded for transfer. Apparently, he was too difficult to work with. And so, for some time now he didn't have a partner at all. Up to this point. And that's what irritated him...

I was pleased with how the things were. I didn't have to deal with some sissy prick who always tried to remind me of the protocol and 'no violence unless it's utterly necessary' rule. It also played on my nerves... I was on my own, my own master. It was great! But no... They had to go and ruin everything! And what was their reason? I needed someone who would control me a bit? That was fucking ridiculous! How was I supposed to stay calm, huh?

Above all, they tell me something like that and choose a kid for my partner? The youngster had to be fresh out of the training... How was I to stay composed around a novice like him? He was younger than me, at least fifteen centimetres shorter than me and lanky like a straw. Moreover, he looked as if my presence scared him to death, he was so silent and stubborn not to look me in the eyes. How the hell that brat found himself in the homicide department? How was I to co-operate with him? One unwilling partner wasn't so bad, but when it was the two of them? Tch!

If looks could kill, my boss sitting on the other side of the desk would have been dead the moment I had entered his office. Not much luck... This was reality... Besides, my boss was one of my friends as well. Disposing one of the few I had wouldn't be the smartest...

"What the heck am I to do with the brat, Tom-san? He's too young to be here in the first place! He's going to cry his eyes out and heave his intestines the moment he sees a dead body. Did you see how easy he is to intimidate? I bet he has heard rumours about me and right now shits into his pants at the mere thought of being assigned to me... Whose idea was that?" I asked in a demanding tone.

Tanaka Tom wasn't intimidated. Nor impressed. Unfortunately... He has been my boss for three years now and a few years before that, my sempai in high school. He knew me quite well. I wasn't going to win this one.

"You know, Heiwajima-kun? Everything that happens here is for a reason... And I think you are quite aware of that. I may be your friend, but I am your boss too. And what should I do when my subordinate runs wild during an investigation? There was no way I could cover that up... I know that I'm the one who gave you this job with the knowledge of your temperament. And I can't deny that the strength of yours, as well as opinion, helps us often – if it was any other way I would have to fire you on the spot – yet even my readiness to accept some of your doings ends at some point. That's why you have to be... punished accordingly." Tom explained.

"So what? My punishment is partnering me up with the kid? How is that to help anyone? It will be only more of a problem, I assure you." I said determinedly.

"That's not exactly the punishment itself. You are to work with Ryugamine-kun only for the time being. His previous partner has been injured and is recovering currently. And actually, you were right about one thing. He's not from homicide department. He's a regular as for now. A street officer. And you're assigned to him, not the other way. You will be patrolling the streets with him for the next two weeks or so. Guess that should act as a vent for your recent feelings..."

"Patrolling... the streets... I? Patrolling? What the fuck? Are you fucking kiddin' me?" I whined loudly.

That was impossible! When was the last time I had to do that kind of thing? I was going to kill the dipshit who reported me to Tom-san!

"That's right. And you'd better behave during it or you won't go back to your usual work any time soon. You start your shift at three o'clock today, I believe. Ryugamine-kun will inform you about the district and such. You're dismissed." Tom announced shortly.

"Fucking great! This is the last thing I need... Tch!" I stood up to leave, my anger boiling inside of me.

"Oi, and Shizuo?"

"What?" I asked grumpily.

"Don't kill the boy. It's not his fault. I know you're pissed right now, though keep that in mind. I wouldn't want to be forced to fire you for real. It's the one job you stayed the longest at, right? Do your best!" Tom added with an encouraging smile.

"Yeah, yeah... Whatever..." I said, yet I was a bit thankful for those words.

I knew that Tom-san wouldn't do that if it wasn't imperative. I had acted irresponsibly and it wouldn't be fair if I haven't been punished for it. Other guys would have made an uproar for sure... Guess I just had to deal with it for now. And really try not to kill that Ryugamine kid...

Wait, that meant I had to wear an actual uniform? Geez...

I walked to my desk with a grim look on my face. Frightening enough that no-one tried to approach me and ask how Tanaka-san scolded me this time... There were some people at the office that had the guts to talk with me about something more than the case in progress; though, this was not their day...

There was a little surprise for me at the desk. The kid I had only a glimpse of was waiting for me, standing there as if he wanted to be swallowed by the ground beneath his feet. I was so right about him, damn it! He looked like the type easy to bully and order around. Why the heck a career in the police then? Was he of any use...?

"You're Ryugamine-kun, I guess?" I asked directly.

"H-hai! Ryugamine Mikado. Hajimemashite!" he responded stiffly, with a deep bow at that.

Christ! This kid's seriousness made me feel almost uneasy... What the hell...!

"Yeah, great... No need to be so uptight, kiddo', I'm not your superior really... Call me Heiwajima-kun and that's that. No 'Heiwajima-san's'. It will only irritate me, you get that?" I looked at him expectantly.

"Y-yes." a stammering answer came.

"Great. You can quit with stuttering if you're at that. I'm not going to eat you alive nor smash your skull into the wall. Don't believe all of the rumours. Most of it is not even the truth or it's a very coloured version of it. Actually, all of my former partners are still alive and it wasn't me who bit Akira's finger off. The idiot did it by himself. Cut it while cooking for his wife if it's any of your interest..." I said casually and sat on the edge of the desk.

The boy still didn't look at me directly, only casting me short, nervous glances. Whatever... It wasn't my problem... If he wanted to be afraid of me no-one was going to stop him... I could only pray it will finally stop without my help...

"So, Ryugamine-kun... Which district is ours, then? I was told you will give me the details..."

"I-Ikebukuro. Th-the Sunshine City." he answered a bit more loudly this time.

My brows raised in surprise.

"The Sunshine City? That's quite the major area. Many people to watch after... How long have you been working for the police?" that was the one thing I needed to know. Maybe it was only a false impression. Maybe he had more experience that I thought...

"Half a year."

Damn!

"With that partner of yours, I suppose? The one that has been injured? What the heck happened?" I was suddenly curious.

Maybe that was the reason for the boy's insecurity? Maybe they got caught up in something serious during a routine patrol? Something like that could explain this kid's jumpiness. And could be temporary...

"There was a robbery and we chased after the culprit. M-my partner wanted to jump from a fence to catch him and fell. He has a broken leg..."

"Oh..." here ends my beautiful theory...

The shyness and all must be his natural charm then. What a pain... I was in no humour to deal with that kind of thing. And had no way to steer clear of it. Just my fucking luck!

"Umm... Heiwajima-s... Heiwajima-kun, don't you need a uniform for work? You should probably..." Ryugamine stopped in the middle of the sentence, not sure if it was a good move to suggest anything most probably.

"Guess so... I'm not gonna' kill you for saying that, you know? I'm not gonna' kill you at all for that matter, so stop looking as if I had murderous attempts towards you, okay? That would do us both good if we're going to work together... It's still three hours left til' our patrol, so I will leave you for now, 'kay? Meet me at the Sunshine 60's entrance door. Should be all right to start from there..." I announced, pushing myself away from the desk and taking the phone from it.

"Jā ne, Ryugamine-kun. Til' three o'clock sharp then."

"J- Jā ne..."

God, I was already pissed off... I had this gut feeling about tonight... And it told me it was going to be horrible... I should have become a teacher of physical education or something... Though, I would probably beat the students into a bloody pulp for idiotic misbehaviour... Teenagers were irritating as shit these days... It was all irritating!

The walk from my apartment to Sunshine 60 was nerve racking. I had the impression of being observed by all of the people surrounding me, as if I was a rare specimen in a zoo or something similar. Was it my imagination or the truth? Didn't matter, as long as the sick feeling wouldn't leave me. The uniform made me annoyed and uncomfortable. There was no reason for me to wear it the past three years and it was fine by me. Now it really fitted to me like a suit to a tomboy... In my opinion at least. I was so used to my usual attire – which wasn't that normal probably, as it was actually composed from parts of my old bartender uniform. Kasuka presented me with more than twenty sets of those and I wasn't able to dispose of them after I lost the job. Sentiment or whatever... It came in handy when Tom-san gave me the position in his department. I just resigned from wearing the waistcoat and the bow-tie... I preferred my white shirt and suit-trousers any time to the stupid uniform. I wasn't fond of blue...

I reached the entrance soon enough and there he was – my partner. He might have looked neat and tidy in his uniform, yet it didn't help him in gaining self-confidence. He greeted me with the same slightly trembling voice. And a polite fixed phrase.

"K-Konnichiwa, Heiwajima-kun. I'm looking forward to our work today."

"Yeah, konnichiwa, Ryugamine-kun. Let us just start the patrol. We should keep our eyes on the probable pickpocketers. I guess it's the only offence that happens here quite often and for us to worry about..."

"H-Hai!" he replied earnestly.

Well, that ought to be an advantage, right? Eagerness is one of the newbies' traits, I guess. And matched with the fear of my persona should make him quite easy to work with after all. I could tell him what to do and he would probably listen... Not so bad... Though, there was a small chance of being in need to order him around. What could happen in a place like this, really? Despite my earlier gut feeling, I doubted there was anything except the aforementioned pick pocketing to look out for. How could that be dangerous?

To my utter surprise and distaste we had our hands full of work. Was I off the streets for so long? Or today's events were specific for the area simply? I had no idea... However, I didn't like them the least bit... The whole day my blood pressure has been rising and I had to remind myself of Tom-san's words not to beat sense into those peoples' heads. And I fucking hated violence no matter how illogical it sounded. That was partially the reason why I entered the police force...

In the end, we had to stop a fight between a group of over-eager, noisy teenage brats that started from a discussion of which anime was currently the best – how was that even remotely important? I hated kids that used their fists even to communicate. A royal pain in the ass they were if someone were to ask me...

There was a five-year-old girl who lost her mother somewhere in the crowd. How the woman could lose her child like that? Her angered face made me clench my fists and bite my tongue not to give her a talk about how one should properly take care of their own children. She almost hit the child after we've found her, for fuck's sake! What kind of a mother was she? It was her fault in the first place, as we have been told she had left the girl on a nearby bench for a second to talk with a friend without interruptions... Stupid woman! That was the one moment I was grateful for Ryugamine-kun's presence, as he talked with the woman by himself... I was so close to breaking my oath of behaving myself...

One incident resulted in my and Ryugamine-kun's immense embarrassment; though, I couldn't say it didn't anger me as well. Because, Christ, we were in a public place and no matter how dark an alley is, there is always a possibility of someone entering it, just as we did... And I may be thirty years old, yet it's not one of my dreams to walk in on two people having sex in a place like this... Any place, actually. I would have been so much better without that visual...! We had to charge them with a fine and the conversation with the culprits was on the list of things to immediately delete from my memory. Find a room people! I don't care about primal urges and a yearlong separation! There are kids walking here! Yeah, well... That's what I've told them at least. God knows if they intended to listen...

It was ten o'clock and we were supposed to be changed by another pair of officers. I was more than glad that it was over for now. I was fucking delighted and about to burst if someone pushed one button too much and pissed me off. And that's when I had to see it. I caught it with the corner of my eye. I had to, right? I would have been better off with not noticing a single thing! But I did and as a fucking police officer I had to react. All day there wasn't a single pickpocketer and it had to be now that one decided to rob someone? My luck again...

It was a young kid. Looked seventeen or so, in a white blouse and blond hair, similar to mine, that made him only easier to spot. I set off in his direction, yet something made him turn around and see me. He had to start running of course... And what else could I do than chase after him? Yeah, nothing in particular...

He was quite fast, damn it, and smaller than me. It was easier for him to run through the crowd. Thankfully, when I started to shout for people to get out of my way, they listened. I must have sounded positively pissed off and that meant I looked the part... Thanks for small miracles!

We passed the crowded main street and I was still on his tail, when he suddenly turned to one of the nearby alleys. It happened to be a blind one... Looked like someone decided to give me a break finally. There was no way the brat could escape now. I had him pinned. He turned to face me and there was a false smile on his face that he attempted to mask his nervousness with. Didn't work...

"Hey, kiddo'... First give the purse back and then we're going to have a little chat. I fucking hate stealing bastards and would be awfully glad to teach you a lesson; though, I promised my boss to limit my use of fists. You're a lucky one... So, how will it be? You're going to return the purse and go with me voluntarily or I am to use some of my strength after all? Take your pick..." I announced in a steady, yet irritated voice.

I could have been on my way home by now and the little shit made me waste my time on him. Kids like him should sit at home and learn or at least do something harmless, like going to karaoke with other noisy brats. Was he so desperate for the money? Should have found a part-time job...

"Oi, officer-san! I meant absolutely no harm... The purse threatened to fall from the ladies bag and I was to give it back immediately to the sweet girl, but then I saw you coming in my direction and reacted on instinct. You still have that scary look on your face. Who would blame me for running?" he said in a happy, sing-song voice.

My brow twitched, my fists tightened and jaw clenched. The fuck? The insolent brat had the nerve to lie straight into my face like that? That was a fucking big no-no! I saw how this purse threatened to fall out... I was going to punch him after all... There was no way I could compose myself right now...

"You must be fucking kiddin' me, kid! If you think I'm going to believe into that shit, then you're really asking for a beating!" I roared and the kid's smile froze.

Now that was the right reaction. I started to approach him and was just about to lift him by the collar of his blouse, when a chirpy voice interrupted the momentary silence.

"I don't think it's a wise thing to do, Mr Officer. The camera in my phone is of exquisite quality..."

"What the hell?" I exclaimed and turned around, but the alley was empty aside of us.

"You're looking in the wrong direction, Mr Officer. You just have to lift that cute blond head of yours, ne~?" I heard and my fists tightened even more.

What the fuck? Cheeky bastard! I lifted my head; though, and there he was, sitting on a fire escape above us. As far as I could see, it was a young man in his twenties, with Japanese features and black hair. A black fur-trimmed jacket hid most of his body from the view, yet his legs looked skinny. There was a sly smile on his face that immediately made me dislike him. Somehow, his appearance matched with his annoying way of speaking...

"It's none of your business, so don't interfere. The kid stole a purse and there's no mistake in that. One has to pay for his own stupidity. Gaki!" I growled.

"Oh, I see... The big police officer is quite pissed off, isn't he? Ne, Kida-kun~! I told you to merge with the crowd when you try to steal. I can bet that the irritated cutie here noticed your blond hair and white blouse with no problem... Thinking, Kida-kun, is the key to success... and prosperity. I should leave you to learn that probably, but guess you will end up in a puddle of blood if I do. You should thank the heavens above that you happened to be detained by such a hottie. Can't waste th-"

"Shut the hell up! Who do you think you are that you can run your mouth like that? Cut the crap, because I want listen to it any more! It's the end of my fucking shift and I intend to go home. Have no bloody time for your meaningless bickering... And don't talk about a police officer in that manner. That can be taken as offence to your information. Unless you feel the need to be escorted to the police station along with the friend of yours..." I announced darkly.

"Oh! You have quite the temperament, don't you? I like that! Besides, I think, Mr Officer, that you have no other choice, but to really take me with you... Because, you see... It was actually me who made the boy steal that purse today. So? You must be eager to take me, ne~?" he said playfully, ending his sentence with a wink.

Who the hell was that insane guy? Was he mentally ill or what...? He asked to be detained? Even if he knew the boy was going to give him away later, why hurrying his own arrest? My head started to throb from all of this and it did nothing to improve my humour. And if he wasn't going to shut up soon, he was going to end as the beaten one.

"If you're so fucking ready to be put behind the bars, then come down. I will lock you up with pleasure, flea!" I hissed hatefully.

"You know me less then fifteen minutes and I already have a pet name? I am moved... deeply!" he sang almost and swiftly jumped of the stairs.

Now I could see that he wasn't taller than me, but from the boy in front of me about five centimetres. That meant he stood about five feet and nine inches tall or so. What fixed my attention; however, were his eyes. They were a strange colour of reddish-brown and had intensity in them that almost gave me creeps. He had to be a freak. He fucking emanated with bad vibes!

"Who the hell are you?" I asked, eyeing him suspiciously. It wouldn't surprise me if there was a gun on him or another kind of weapon...

"You don't know the simple rule, Mr police officer? I'll give you mine when you give me yours... How about that, ne~?" he answered, lowering his voice slightly.

"I'm asking the questions here. Speak up or it won't be the police station that you will find yourself in, get it?" I threatened finally. I was losing my patience. Fast...

"You're no fun, Mr police officer... But I'm going to be nice today and give you another chance to dazzle me. Just because you're a cutie, though. Bare that in mind..." he said sweetly. It made me want to heave...

"What's your fucking name, pest?" I growled again.

"Sorry to disappoint you, yet I don't think there will be any fucking between the two off us any time soon. Maybe I look the part, but I'm not that easy... First you will have to make me fall for you... Guess exchanging names is a good start... Orihara Izaya. You'd better remember. I won't say it twice..." he announced.

My blood boiled. I was ready to strike a blow at the impertinent louse. That moment Ryugamine-kun chose to show himself in the end of the alley. Have I told you about my rotten luck yet? He came closer, breathing loudly, and then his eyes widened, concentrating on the boy that was the cause of this comical situation.

"Kida-kun? Is that really you...?"

"Mikado?"

The heck? Was that a fucking family gathering? They had to be kidding me...