Update at the end of chapter. Sorry for the long wait! Love you guys!

Fault

…

The weeks passed by as Aria adjusted to her new life. She now had crutches mastered and could tackle the stairs in her new house with ease. At first, she spent most of her time watching movies and documentaries, but it got old fairly quickly. Ironhide, who visited regularly, took notice and subsequently offered to go out and do things with her.

One of the first places they went was the boarding stable her horses were kept at. Seeing Azimuth and Zennith for the first time in months hit her with a wall of emotion. Both horses ran up to her from the back of their paddock, whinnying with excitement. Instead of reaching out to them, she began to sob. Not tears of sadness, but of joy. Ironhide gave them each a pat while she wiped her eyes.

Currently, she sat on a comfy chair by the large living room window with a book in her lap. It was autobiography titled Code-Name: Hero written by Seymour Simmons, one of the people in the group that broke into the museum. She had bought it the day before when she and Ironhide went to the bookstore. He scoffed at it and implied the man was a lunatic, but she could tell the Autobot was interested none the less. It wasn't a horrible book, but it was excessively melodramatic.

She rested her chin in her hand and looked out the window for what felt like the umpteenth time. Will was coming over in less than half an hour to discuss going back the base. It had taken weeks to persuade him to talk to her about it. She had called and texted the man almost every day until he finally relented. Of course, seeing the Autobots was the number one reason for going, but now, curiosity got the better of her of why he was so desperately avoiding it.

Her eyes settled on car parking on the street. A man got out of the driver side and ran around to the passenger door, opening it for a woman. He took her hand and helped her out of the vehicle before closing the door behind her. The couple then walked down the sidewalk, hand in hand.

"What are you smiling at?" said an amused voice.

Aria dropped the book on the floor. Ironhide stood beside her chair, his eyes fixed on the couple with a grin on his face.

"Ironhide, you scared me!" she said, glossing over the fast he caught her people-watching.

He gave her a sideways glance. "That's because you're easy to scare."

"Yes well, if you could stop taking advantage of it, that would be great," she accused with a half-hearted glare. "What are you doing here anyways? Will is going to be over any minute now."

"He left a few minutes ago."

She opened her mouth to give a reply but stopped when Ironhide's light smile fell at the change in topic.

"Ironhide," she said. "I know you don't want me to know what's going on, and therefore, I know it's not good."

The holoform fixed his eyes on the window. She continued.

"It's why you've been acting strangely since I got back."

"You deserve to know, Aria. I just…" he paused, "Don't want you to."

She reached out and slid her fingers onto his. He squeezed her hand, though his eyes were still focused on the outside world.

A knock on the door broke the moment. Ironhide's hand released hers and he brought it up to her cheek.

"I'm sorry, Aria," he said and disappeared.

She absently touched her cheek where his hand had been. Why had he apologized? Another sharp rapping noise broke her train of thought.

"Coming!" she called and grabbed the crutches leaning against her chair.

She limped down the stairs with decent speed and unlocked the door for the colonel. She opened the door to reveal the somber man. His lips were pulled into a frown, much like Ironhide's had just before.

Regardless, she greeted him politely and invited him into the kitchen. She was about to pull out a chair from the table, but Will got to it first and pulled it out for her. She sat down, lacing then unlacing her fingers on her lap. For some reason she couldn't come up with any form of small talk to lighten the mood. Will made no attempt either. If fact, he didn't really say anything.

The lump on his neck moved as he swallowed. He leaned forward, leaning his arms on the table.

"Aria, this is a difficult topic to discuss. Now, before I go any further, I want you to know that absolutely none of this is your fault, and that I agree with every action you took in Namibia to keep yourself safe."

Unable to think of a better way to respond, she nodded. It was finally happening. She was going to find out what happened while she was gone.

Will took a second to gather his thoughts before continuing. "Starscream did in fact send us a message stating that he would only release you in exchange for all known Energon, and an audio clip of your voice. However, that was not an option for the government. I'm sure you know as well as us that any amount of Energon in the hands of the Decepticons would spell disaster.

"Ironhide asked permission to search for you by himself, but we both know that was just a formality. The other Autobots joined him. They decided Optimus, Ratchet and Bee would stay at the base while Skids, Mudflap and Jolt formed one group, and Ironhide and Sideswipe formed another.

"They searched around in the states until we received your second message. With your hints, the search spread to the coasts of the southern continents. Ironhide and Sideswipe went to Australia and Jolt's team traveled down to South America." He let out a long exhale through his nose. "It was there that Starscream ambushed them, and…killed them."

"H-he…"

Killed them?

How could he? All that time she thought she was getting through to him, and he was killing Autobots?

"A few weeks later he also attacked Sideswipe after he went ahead of Ironhide."

No. There was no way.

"Sideswipe survived the battle, reporting that Starscream was acting unusual and flew off before finishing the job."

"So… Sideswipe is okay?" Any semblance of relief was quickly overshadowed by pain and anger

"Yeah, he's all healed up now." Will put a hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry you had to find out this way…not that there is a better way to find out."

She nodded again, her gaze fixed on the wooden table.

"If you feel up to it, you can come to the base this Saturday. Things have calmed back down and I'm sure some of the Autobots would be happy to see you."

"I'll think about it." The lump in her throat made it difficult for her to speak louder than a whisper.

The colonel stayed a while longer, changing the topic to more trivial things like travel arrangements to and from the base. He then said his goodbyes an hour or so later and left.

She went to go back up the stairs to her bedroom but ended up sitting on the bottom step. She rested her crutches against the railing. When she let go, one fell off to the side. Picking it back up again, she placed it back more carefully. Again, it fell. She snatched the crutch, this time letting out a shriek and throwing it across the room. It hit the door with a loud bang and clattered to the floor.

How could she have ever felt sorry for Starscream? He was evil, pure evil. He kidnapped her, took her to a foreign country, and only provided her with enough food and water to keep her from the brink of death, all the while, murdering Jolt, Skids and Mudflap. Was that his plan the whole time? To separate the Autobots so he could kill them? Of course it was. Anything to please his sadistic master.

There was no good in him. He was a Decepticon and that was all he would ever be. She should have done something more in Namibia. Ironhide shot him down, but when troops searched the area, he was already gone. He killed three Autobots, nearly killed Sideswipe, and injured Ironhide all because of her. It didn't matter what Will said, it was all her fault.

Her fault.

If she had just stayed home and not gone looking for the Autobots, none of them would have died, not even the people on the cargo ship. And worst of all, she lived. She had been the one spreading the crumb trail that lead them to their deaths, and she was the one who lived. Her. Why did she deserve to live when the others couldn't?

A hand touched her shoulder. She didn't have to look to know who it was.

"Don't touch me!" she hissed and jerked away.

"You're angry."

She pushed up her glasses and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand so she could see him better. "Of course I'm angry!"

"It wasn't the reaction I expected—"

She abruptly stood, using the railing for support. "Why didn't you tell me Starscream killed them?"

"Aria, calm down, this is not necessary," Ironhide replied evenly.

"Not necessary?" she shrieked, "Jolt, Skids and Mudflap all died because of me, and you didn't think it was necessary to tell me? I know protecting me is how you show you care, but you can't pretend everything is fine just because the truth will hurt me! You've been acting strangely for weeks now, doing everything in your power to keep me from the base because you know it's my fault they're dead! Stop hiding things from be because you think I'm weak. I'm not weak, not anymore!"

"I told you before, Aria, it's not your fault, it's mine."

His fault? His fault?

"I was the one who got captured. I was the one leaving messages so you'd find me. I should have seen through Starscream's plan, but I helped him with it instead! I lead them to their death, Ironhide! What is my life compared to all those who've lost theirs?"

"Aria, you have no control over the circumstances you're given, you can only deal with them as they come, and that is exactly what you did. It is because of that, you survived. This is war, Aria. A war that we brought to you. Therefore, it cannot be your fault.

"Jolt, Skids and Mudflap searched for you because they cared about you, they didn't want you to die. They wanted to find you alive and well, just as I did."

Her grip tightened on the railing. "But at the cost of their lives?"

"They have become one with millions who have already joined the Well of Allsparks. Their knowledge and experience will be forever maintained within it."

Her argument died in her throat. Did he speak of an afterlife? Was there actually a place Cybertronians went after they died? Was Jetfire there as well?

Ironhide reached out, putting his hand on her arm. "Instead of thinking that you don't deserve to live when others have died, think about how much those who love you and are grateful that you survived."

Her mother and fathers relieved faces appeared in the forefront of her mind, their eyes swimming with tears.

"You are strong, Aria. The strongest human I know."

He brought her into his arms and rested her head on top of hers. Aria grabbed onto the fabric on the back of his tee-shirt. Her body felt heavy, the weight of everything coming down on her all at once.

Ironhide wasn't at fault for anything, just like she told him all those weeks ago at the hospital. But to say she wasn't to blame was wrong. Everything that happened was because of her and nothing could excuse that.

"I could have prevented any of this from happening from the moment you first saw me leave the base. I shouldn't have stopped and let you in."

He was wrong. She could have prevented all this from happening by leaving them alone, like she was supposed to. She told both Sideswipe and Ironhide that she wouldn't have changed anything to be a part of their lives, but that was before her presence made a difference.

Looking back, her decision to find them was more selfish than anything. She was blinded by greed, the greed to make them a part of her life. They were perfectly fine before her, and they would still be if she hadn't shoved her way into their lives.

Ironhide would only tell her otherwise and say it was his fault again. So she kept her mouth shut and selfishly accepted the comfort she did not deserve.

…

Later that night, Aria sat at the table with a plate of untouched toast in front of her. The townhouse was silent besides the occasional noises through the walls from the neighbors. She would do anything to hear Wheelie make a sarcastic comment, or even hear him yell at the T.V. when he didn't like something a character did.

If only there was someone she could talk to other than Ironhide or Will. Someone she could talk to causally and just forget about everything for a little bit. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and looked through her contacts. Only three were listed, her parents and Will. Not like her old phone was any better. Sure it had more contacts, but they were all university friends that she long since stopped talking to. She also had her old boss, Mark's in there, and Eli's too.

Wait, she knew Eli's number. It was only one digit off hers. She typed it in and stared at the blank message screen.

Would he even want to talk to her? She no longer had her job, would it be weird to reach out? Their relationship never extended past work hours and he never went out of his way to message or call besides work related things. But he was always so nice to her, and they spoke lots during work.

She typed in a causal message as if she didn't mysteriously go missing months ago. Almost immediately her phone buzzed with a notification. Eli was quick to respond, like usual. From what she knew, he didn't go out much.

Wow, Aria! I was starting to think you died!

No, I'm not dead. I was just wondering if you want to catch up sometime?

Anything for you, Aria. How about Friday at 13:00? I'm curious to hear the details of what led to your sudden absence.

She rolled her eyes at the message. Friday was two days away. It was too bad he couldn't meet any sooner, but she would take what she could get.

Ha ha. The café by the museum?

So predicable, as per usual. Sounds good.

What else did he expect? Plus, the last time she went there was with Sam and Carly. It felt like eons ago now, much like everything else that happened before Starscream took her.

She sat at the table for a while longer talking back and forth with Eli. She used him the same cover story she was told to use by Will to explain her disappearance. It went something along the lines of her great aunt falling fatally ill in Europe. She had immediately flew out to see her since she had no one else to care for her. During her stay, she was in a serious car accident, causing her to remain in Europe for an indefinite amount of time.

It was the exact story Will told her parents to use if anyone asked questions. Sure enough, when her boss called them, it was the story they told, along with a few more lies to cover themselves as well.

It was a decent story overall. She definitely looked the part of someone who was involved in a collision. Under her cast was a massive and unsightly scar from healing improperly combined with the operation to re-set the bone. At this point, she had more scars than Ironhide.

Using only one crutch, she carried her plate to the kitchen. She dumped the untouched toast into the garbage and placed the dish in the sink among the others. Instead of going upstairs to bed, she sat back on the chair to resume Simmons's book.

Her eyes scanned the page at least ten times before she finally gave up. Reading was impossible, there was no point even trying. The thought of going to bed was worse, though. Every night was the same as the last, an unrelenting feeling that she was forgetting something. But it was there, lurking in the back of her mind.

She'd only been to a therapist a few times so far. He said feelings of paranoia were normal, and that they would lessen with time.

She refused to believe that this was the same thing. The nagging feeling of something forgotten was not an unfamiliar one to anybody. It had to do with something Starscream said, but what?

Muffled laughter came from the other side of the wall. The sound of happiness.

She didn't deserve happiness. Not after robbing three Autobot's of their lives. It didn't matter that the others wouldn't admit it. Everything she did was selfish. Even asking Eli to visit with her was just a distraction from her selfish feelings. She wasn't the victim, they were.

It was her fault.

…

UPDATE: So it finally happened, I got a beta! (she's starting at the first chapter, so this one has not been beta'd) As some of you may know, I'm rewriting previous chapters. So far I'm up to chapter 5 and I combined the old 4 and 5 together into a better chapter 4. They are up, but will probably be edited and changed again as my beta gets to them. New chapters will be including more Autobot interactions and tightened plot.

No rush to re-read them though, as they are still changing. So far I'm liking them sooo much better!

Also a side note, let me know if this chapter read different than previous ones. I'm working on eliminating all instances of FILTER WORDS (I wish I knew about them a lot sooner lol) so I want to know if you noticed a difference!