AN: Hello lovely readers! Firstly to clear things up I have changed my pen name from vampgurl2005 to hopelessdream2005 because I saw someone had almost the same name as me so ya…Okay so I was sitting up writing a chapter for one of my other stories and an idea popped into my head… ya ya I know I really need to install a switch into my brain to shut it off once in a while… but well since I can't here I am starting yet again another story very early in the morning… blame the insomnia not me lol well hope you enjoy this first chapter R&R and let me know if I should continue it or not. And if you hate it feel free to tell Bonnie to set me on fire or something idk use your imaginations to create an agonizing death for me… wow I sound Emo! Okay I am shutting up.

Disclaimer: I own nothing except this story blah blah blah….

Dear Damon,

It has been exactly one day since we have returned to Fells Church without you.

One day since you were staked by that awful tree… to save me.

Why am I writing to you even though you will never see this?

I guess I just need to talk to someone about how your death has affected me.

The others just don't understand why it hit me so hard, and I just don't feel as if they would understand.

So here I am writing to you.

I guess I can tell you what your death has done to me even if it only has been a day since you've been gone…

Well for starters if it weren't for me you would still be here… but you're not.

If I hadn't climbed that tree… or maybe if I had thought that it had just seemed too easy to get to the star ball… you would still be here…

Another reason your death has left a gaping hole in my heart is that I love you.

Not loved… love.

Even in death you have this unexplainable effect on me.

I never told this to anyone, most of all I never told you which I regret.

I know you didn't feel the same for me… You felt for Elena the way I feel for you.

Though you always said I was a child you never treated me as one like the others do.

If I would have told them my feelings for you they would have laughed at me-or worse, try to protect me from you.

I suppose that all doesn't matter now…

Fells church will never be the same without you.

I will never be the same without you.

I have to go now, I have school in the morning and I suppose I should at least try to sleep.

Love, Bonnie xo

Bonnie carefully folded up the tear stained letter and sealed it with a kiss before putting it in an empty shoe box.

She knew the others would call her foolish for writing letters to the dead, but she had to have some way to release her jumbled emotions.

She sighed as she crossed her room and placed the box on the top shelf of her closet.

She really did have to go to school in the morning, it was all part of the guardians promise to make everything go back to normal…

She hated the guardians.

They had not even tried to bring Damon back claiming that they couldn't bring back the soul of the damned.

Didn't they know that they had torn a living soul to shreds when they did this?

When he died she felt part of her soul die too.

She had tried to explain this to Matt and Meredith earlier but Meredith had said she was being over dramatic, and Matt well he seemed irritated that she was torn up over Damon's death.

She was so angry that she had kicked them out of her house.

She couldn't even talk to Elena and Stefan because in all honesty she felt it was her fault Damon was no longer here and she just couldn't face them.

She knew that a part of them blamed her for his death as well.

They were just too nice to say it out loud.

So she had decided she would write to Damon, and in all honesty though he would never actually see the letters it did seem to help a little.

She decided she would continue to do so, hoping that maybe she would feel whole again someday.

Bonnie sighed heavily and flopped down heavily onto her bed praying that sleep would come soon so she wouldn't be haunted by Damon's death scene that seemed to play in a loop in her twisted mind.

It was as if she was torturing herself by making her relive the painful moment again and again for causing his death.

Warm tears sprung to her tired dry eyes and she finally fell asleep once she could cry no more.

Bonnie woke up to the sound of her phone ringing almost impatiently.

She glanced at the caller ID and saw Meredith's name flashing.

She hesitantly answered it keeping in mind that she was still angry at Meredith for brushing off her pain yesterday.

"Yes?" She answered a little coldly.

She heard Meredith sigh on the other line.

"Bon look I know that you are still mad at me but I am coming to pick you up for school so everything seems normal."

Bonnie laughed bitterly, a very un-Bonnie like thing to do.

"Normal? We get to be normal? News flash Suelez we can pretend that nothing ever happened all we want but it will never be normal. I wish I had been given the luxury of having

my memories messed with like the rest of the town. Maybe then I wouldn't have to see Damon's heart being pierced by that horrid tree branch over and over again. All because of

me…" Bonnie's voice cracked on the last part.

"Bonnie look I know you are sad that Damon is gone, but you really need to get over your little fascination for him and move on. Besides people will suspect something is wrong."

"Oh? People will suspect something is wrong? So I have to bottle up my grief so that others can go on with their wonderful normal lives… I don't know if I can do that Meredith. I am just so torn up that I

don't know I can fake a smile and pretend the world is perfect. I-I just can't."

"Well you have to at least try Bonnie. Anyways I will be there in 20 minutes to pick you up, and remember what I told you."

Bonnie heard the click of the phone disconnecting and flopped back down on her bed for a moment before getting up and getting dressed.

She still had 10 minutes until Meredith would get there to pick her up.

She grabbed a pen and paper and wrote a short letter needing to release her feelings once again.

Dear Damon,

Yes I realize that it has only been hours since the last letter, but I am just so frustrated and angry.

The others expect me to act normal and put on a show for everyone so that they can go on oblivious to the screwed up world we knew.

I just don't think I can do that…

Sometimes when I was afraid I would think of you and that brought me courage.

But you're gone now and I miss you so much.

I miss your arrogant attitude.

Your gorgeous chiseled features any sculptor could never imitate.

The way your raven colored hair was messy but stylish.

I miss your beautiful smile-well smirk more accurately.

But mostly I miss the feel of your lips upon mine…

They were full of contradiction: cool yet warm, soft yet firm and they were just wonderful.

I have still to this day never told a soul about the times we have kissed, and I don't think I ever will.

They were like a treasure to keep safe and keep to yourself…

But I will never feel them again, and its all my fault…

I am so sorry.

Love, Bonnie xo

Bonnie heard the sound of Meredith's car horn outside and quickly wiped her damp eyes and tried her best to compose herself.

Once she was sure she was calm enough, she stepped out of the door and out into the world of the oblivious trying to prepare herself for the act she would have to put on.

AN: so let me know keep going or drop it? Oh and I should be able to update By blood and by darknessts, and possibly even Battered hearts tomorrow night maybe late though so it might show up the next day… well R&R this story =)

-Julie/Vampgurl2005/hopelessdream2005 (lol ya lots of slashes huh?)