A/N: Hello! I've posted this on my D/A page before, but thought I'd post it here as well, just for laughs (so sorry, my usual readers, nothing new here!).

IMPORTANT: This contains mention of SLASH, this is also a PARODY and is not to be taken seriously.

If you go to my bio-page you will see that I do write, but not in the HP-universe. I have, however, READ a lot, and, though some stories are amazing, many are… you know… not so good… So I thought I'd collect everything 'not so good' and combine these things into a story, of sorts… and here it is… Oh, and please read the bottom A/N too…

How to write a Harry Potter story that will make me scream

Make the pairing Lucius/Harry; that will get my hopes up and make me read.

Start with Harry living at the Dursleys. Make sure he is locked up in his room, preferably mention beatings and that he hasn't been fed for a week, because that wouldn't make him dead at all.

It's Harry's birthday! Of course it is! Make him count the seconds, and EXACTLY at midnight, he'll be in a lot of pain. That is impressive, because it means his relatives at least sprung for a really good alarm-clock for him… which also shows seconds. And that creature inheritance (because that's what this is, of course) doesn't care which time of day he was born, but use the exact stroke of midnight instead.

Harry passes out and then, when he wakes up, he barely notice anything wrong until he looks in a mirror. Unless he has a tail. In that case include the phrase "Wait? A TAIL?".

His hair must have grown. Preferably to his butt but at least his shoulders.

He must look prettier and more feminine.

There should be something explaining what he is, preferably a letter from dear old dead mum, or a book. Make sure the explanation is long and very boring to read AND more or less gives away exactly what will happen in the rest of the story.

Harry is a submissive and has a mate somewhere, or MANY mates. Of course he can get pregnant!

It doesn't matter what he is. Make a name up. Give him wings.

Extra points here if you actually RENAME Harry. The only reason, of course, is that you think 'Harry' is a lame name, and Shadow/Raven/Harrisson/Bob is SOOOO much cooler….

Don't forget a letter from Gringotts telling him he's the heir of the whole world and setting up a meeting!

As Harry now can use his magic, no matter what his age, due to his inheritance or some crap like that, make him pack up and leave.

First he has to go to Gringotts, of course, so off we go! Oh, look, he has a million vaults and many, many houses! Please list them all so we can read EXACTLY how rich he is! He is also Lord of every-damn-thing.

Oh, what's this? Dumbledore has been stealing money all along! And Ron, Hermione and everyone else EXCEPT FOR THE TWINS, LUNA AND NEVILLE, have been paid to be Harry's friends. Maybe not Bill and Charlie either, because you imagine them to be hot. If Sirius and Remus are alive, they are exceptions too.

Now let's send Harry shopping! That's the way to forget about the crushing betrayal of his loved ones, after all. First he needs clothes, because, during his years in the Wizarding-world, with access to his vault, he has never thought of buying jeans.

Let's shop in the muggle-world! Let's go to a punk-like store! Let's buy leather pants! Don't forget to pop into the wizarding world to buy dragon-hide boots, either. Oh, stack on some silk shirts. Make them all green and silver and black and scarlet, just to show what an incredible sense of fashion you have. Add silver thread too!

Now, finding out about his friends and getting lots of money has, of course, left Harry with a strong desire to mutilate his body, so send him to get lots of piercings and at LEAST one tattoo. Don't mind his age. As by magic, tongue piercings will NOT make you sound like a lisping drunk, either. They are just sexy! Yay! Extra points if the tattoo moves.

Now he needs to get some really cool animals! Let's pick some animals you think is cool out, shall we! At least a snake! And a wolf! And some kind of cat! Why not a mini-dragon! Hedwig? Hedwig who? Okay, include her, perhaps. All the animals become instant friends and of course Harry can talk with them!

Shopping over, let's go to Hogwarts! Let's randomly forget that he has lots of animals to log around, because that's just annoying to write.

At Hogwarts it's important that Harry get's re-sorted as soon as possible! And yes, it has to be Slytherin of course! Because Slytherin is cooool! And Harry and Draco has probably been secret friends for a while now, so that's no problem!

Make sure there is a previously unknown Slytherin-girl who are Harry's friend and is JUST as cool as you are! Give her a special power too, while you're at it. She's just so awesome… Maybe she can date Draco? OR you can suddenly make Pansy Parkinson the coolest girl ever. Don't forget to have whatever spunky and fun Slytherin girl you pick, give Harry a make-over at some point.

Enter LUCIUS! (or insert one or more other people here).

Oh, now you've caught my attention again. Make me take the razor-blade off my wrist by making Luc his wonderful snobbish, dominant, slightly evil self. Now my mouth is watering and I've forgiven you for everything.

Destroy it all by having Luc, within half a page, calling Harry his "little one" and cooing at him. Make sure the pure-blood alfa-male is just one big, completely unthreatening, teddy-bear. But make him snarl at a girl interested in Harry just in case.

Now make up some rule making sure they can't fuck for MONTHS… like they can't get wedded/bonded until a certain date, or until Harry comes into heat, OR until he is "ready", because Luc would probably wait, with all the creature instincts and the fact that he's a ruthless Deatheater. This is because, at this point, I'm probably just hanging around hoping that at least he sex will be good.

Blame the Deatheater-thing on Lucius' daddy.

In fact, since Dumbledore is EVIL, make Harry join the other side. The muggle-killer side. Give him a really good reason, like… like… they are suddenly right about everything!

Have the twins, Luna, Neville, Remus, Sirius and maybe Bill and Charlie join too.

Remus and Sirius are of course a couple.

Voldemort? Oh, he just killed Harry's parents because it was a war going on. Harry can forgive him for that! Taking his money is worse, after all… If this is a more-some-fic, let's have Voldy be a mate too. Maybe Draco and Snape as well? We like Snape! Let's pair him up with someone! Forget that, let's pair EVERYONE up! NO-ONE is allowed to be single, even if Draco has to end up with Neville. Bring some OC's in to fill in the gaps!

Now lose interest in the story and stop updating well before any sex happens. If you chose to soldier on, make sure the act is very sweet and as anatomical incorrect as possible. Have the prostate placed a very long way into the body, and, if you, heaven forbid, include any het-sex or girl/girl, make sure the girls have hymens inside their body that needs to be breeched!

It should hurt a little at first, but then feel ooooh so good.

Let a few weeks pass.

Let Harry throw up one morning. Oh, dear, is he sick? Keep your readers in suspense, because no-one has figured it out already!

OH MY GOD; HARRY'S PREGNANT? I didn't see that coming!

MAKE IT TWINS! …at least….

Make his belly show almost immediately.

Have him eat amusing things, don't forget pickles!

Throw random pregnancy things in, don't do any research what so ever!

As a creature Harry is not pregnant for nine months, for some reason, but for about six or seven. Creature babies might not need fully developed lungs.

Birth-time! Have him build a nest or something.

NO NATURAL BIRTHS! It doesn't matter that the anal-muscles can actually stretch quite a bit, that's just icky! OH, give him a MAGICAL VAGINA! Or, why not wave a wand over his belly and make it a magical c-section? That's not so messy! Just make sure he somehow has labor-pains even though the child has no way to actually descend or push on the pelvis if there's no way out…

Name the kids the most ridiculous names you can think off!

The End! Because writing about taking care of kids and raising them is no fun, after all…

What animals?

A/N: Okay, to clear things up: this is a parody. I don't hate creature-fics or M-pregs, because I actually WRITE them, and I freely admit that I have used some of the things mentioned in this example…

What I REALLY hate, though, is when writers have no interest in the characters, but only in what they themselves think is COOL… That piercing/tattoo-thing is so common that it should be a drinking-game…

And no, I don't necessarily think that just a bit of piercing and a tattoo or more is "self mutilation"; it's your body, do what you please, but is the CHARACTER into those kinds of things all of a sudden? I mean, this is not something you randomly just DO, is it?

It's OKAY to have not-perfectly-beautiful characters, it's OKAY if they don't like all the things you like, and for the love of god, what's with the butt-long hair! (Almost wrote long butt hair, but, of course, no character ever has butt-hair).

Again, I'm as guilty as these writers are; Slade (translation: the bad/sexy seme in my fandom) is always ruggedly attractive and Robin (the uke) is maybe a bit feminine at times, and, of course, has wonderful pretty eyes, but can you see a line here somewhere? No? Okay, sorry then… My point was obviously lost along the way, but I hope at least this "story" made you chuckle a bit… if not, sorry, we obviously don't have the same kind of humor… leave me an angry review about it if you must…