A/N This idea came to me actually a while ago. It didn't come out quite as I had planned, but I think it's still a sweet little story. This is a side story to my other fic, The Art of Potions, but you don't need to read that to understand this. Just know that Harry and Snape are together, Harry and Draco are pretending to date to keep suspicion off Harry and Sev, and Harry and Draco are friends. Ish.

"It occurs to me, Potter," Draco said when Harry met him in the Room of Requirement, "that you are a virgin."

"Must you bring that up every time we see each other?" Harry asked, a little annoyed. The comment had become so commonplace that Harry no longer even blushed. "What of it?"

"Not only are you a virgin, but you are a virgin who was raised by muggles." Draco's nose wrinkled at the thought. "And because of that there is likely some lack in… certain areas of your education."

Now Harry did feel the color starting to rise in his cheeks. "Oh sweet fuck, Malfoy. Don't tell me you're going to give me The Talk."

"I- what?" Draco was momentarily side-tracked by the term. "What in Merlin's name do you mean by that?"

"The Talk. You know, the sex talk? The talk every child dreads to get from their parents?"

"Muggles have to learn about sex from their parents?" Draco asked, looking horrified.

"Err, yeah. Some of them anyway."

"I cannot imagine how mortifying that must be."

"Yeah, that's kind of why everyone dreads it." Harry tried to imagine Lucius Malfoy sitting Draco down for The Talk and had to bite back a laugh. "So where'd you learn about it, if not from your parents? Books?"

"Merlin, no. Who do you think I am, Granger? I learned a bit from my tutor… what are you snickering about?"

Harry couldn't hold back his laugh this time. "You had a sex tutor?"

"Don't be an idiot, Potter. It's common for pureblood children to have tutors instead of attending school prior to Hogwarts. My tutor knew that I would be hearing a lot in the dormitory and thought I should learn about sex from him first. The rest I learned from my first lover." Draco folded his hands primly in his lap. "You see, it's also pureblood tradition to take someone older as your first lover, someone experienced and friendly to the family."

Now it was Harry's turn to wrinkle his nose. "Your first time was arranged?"

"Not as such, no. Though I know of plenty pureblood families who do arrange it; I was lucky in that respect. My father would have most certainly arranged it with a witch and I would have had to perform or face humiliating my family." Draco shuddered, and Harry couldn't help but grin. "Thankfully, Malfoys have never had problems finding bedmates and have never found that bit necessary.

"Now onto the important matters. Anal sex."

"Oh god," Harry muttered, hiding his face in his hands. "Must we? I kind of already know what has to go where."

"Even I don't think you're stupid enough to not know that much," Draco said with a sigh. "But you can't just let someone shove their prick in you, Potter. Not if you expect to be able to walk the next day, never mind use the bathroom." The blond shook his head. "Not that I don't expect Severus to know how to properly prepare you, but if my godfather must soil himself with a Gryffindor, I'd rather you not embarrass him once he finally gets something out of it."

Through his embarrassment, Harry noticed something in what Draco was saying. "Wait," he started indignantly, "why do you assume that I'll be… err…" He trailed off, wondering if he could possibly get any more blood rushing to his cheeks.

"The bottom?" Draco supplied, raising a delicate blond eyebrow. "Why, don't you want to be?"

Harry found out that yes, more blood could rush to his face. He didn't trust himself to answer, but Draco didn't seem to notice. "Trust me, Potter, it's rather more enjoyable than you've been led to believe. And when done properly it's… well, let's not spoil all the surprises, shall we?" Draco smirked. "Any questions so far?"

Harry just shook his head. It was clear that Draco wasn't going to let this go, and he wanted it over as soon as possible.

"Good, now while preparation the muggle way can be nice enough if you are willing to take it slow, there are a number of cleaning, stretching, and lubrication spells that can come in handy if you simply cannot wait." He was looking at Harry expectantly. "Aren't you going to take notes?"

This is a dream, Harry tried to convince himself. A nightmare. Next I'll be in class naked. And it will be a sex ed class. Taught by Professor Malfoy.

Draco was tapping his foot impatiently. "Well, Potter?" When Harry didn't move to comply, he huffed. "Fine. Don't come crying to me when you say the incantation wrong and wind up with an arse full of mud instead of lube."

Draco was really impossible when he wanted to be. Harry obligingly took a piece of parchment and his quill out of his bag. Draco smiled in triumph. "Good, now you'll want to take careful notes. There will be a test next week." At Harry's look, Draco shrugged. "What? I have to come up with ways to amuse myself while we're supposedly out on a romantic rendezvous."

"I hate you, Malfoy."

"Trust me, Potter, someday you'll thank me. Hopefully someday soon for Severus' sake." In a rare moment of seriousness, Draco leaned forward and put his hand on Harry's. "It's better to know all this beforehand, believe you me." He pulled back and put his hands back in his lap. "Besides, if you're good, I'll share with you the proper technique for giving a good blow job."

Harry choked and wondered how his body was still functioning properly, since all the blood seemed to be in his face.

"Harry?" a small voice asked tentatively above him.

Harry looked up from his position on the sofa to see Neville hovering over him. "What's up, Nev? You couldn't find my notes?" Neville had asked to borrow Harry's Charms notes, and Harry had given him permission to take them out of his bag upstairs in their dormitory.

Neville shifted uncomfortably. "No. I didn't have the chance. I found something… else. I didn't look, really, and I tried to hide it, but not before they saw… I'm really sorry, Harry."

"What are you-"

"He makes you take notes?" Dean asked incredulously, coming down the stairs into the common room. He was holding a familiar piece of parchment.

Harry's stomach sank. Oh god. He'd just shoved that in his bag and did his best to forget about it. "Dean," he said weakly, "it's not what you think."

"How bad could you be, Harry?" Seamus asked him, wide-eyed. "I know Malfoy wasn't too thrilled with me, but he never made me take notes."

Harry flushed. "It's not… We've not…" he trailed off, not knowing how to explain.

Neville placed a gentle hand on Harry's shoulder. "I'm sure Malfoy was just being… nice?" Harry was sure that Neville hadn't meant that as a question.

Harry took a deep breath. "Draco knows I've never… And he thought it might make me more comfortable if I knew… And because he can be a right bastard, he made me take notes, okay? Yes, he was trying to be nice, but he's still Draco." It was nothing but the truth. The utterly mortifying truth. But still, truth.

The other boys were quiet for a moment, and Harry thought that maybe he'd gotten out of this with a minimum of embarrassment. Until Seamus spoke up. "Mind if I copy this, Harry? I especially like the step-by-step instruction on how to give a blow job. I always did wonder how Malfoy did that thing with his…" He was cut off by the pillows thrown by Harry, Dean, and Neville.

"Too much information, mate," Dean said with a shiver. "Way too much information."