Title : 19 to 21
Fandom: Puckleberry (Glee)
Summary : Future Fic; Connects and finishes "Coffee & Cigarettes" and "Why" (After he leaves and she follows him) / Set to and inspired by songs by Adele
Disclaimer: Alll recognizable characters are owned by Ryan Murphy et al & Fox. And all songs are by Adele (listed in order of appearance on the second AN at the end of the story. No copyright infringement is intended - just borrowing them for spell so please don't sue (I own squat)
AN1: I've been thinking for some time about making a Glee fic that's similar to my Firefly one (Opaline) where the song lyrics (italicized here) are actually part of the story/dialogue. Anyway, I hope it's not too OoC for these two and that I haven't messed up Adele's songs (which I've been listening to for the last couple of days - just cause they're sooo good) in the process. I'd briefly thought to end with a "Someone Like You" (simply cause I just love that song) scenario but just couldn't do it. Unbeta'ed so all mistakes are mine. Thanks for reading.
She wants to go to his apartment, but fights the urge, because it's always been him who comes to her. She calls him, her tenth since the previous day (she has been counting) but it goes to voicemail…again. She doesn't leave a message.
At first she thinks he's just busy and has no time to return her calls, so she leaves him messages on voicemail. But after weeks of no call backs, she worries. She calls his mom. She says she doesn't know where he is, that he's been dodging her calls too. She thinks the older woman's lying but doesn't call her out on it. She has her pride after all. And then she really starts to worry. Maybe something has happened to him? So she goes to his apartment. No one answers. She asks Mike but he tells her he doesn't know. She's taken to stalking his apartment but hasn't met much success, until finally, a neighbor of his tells her that he no longer lives there.
She is devastated.
She is so busy trying to figure out where and what's up with him and why he's not talking to her that she doesn't even notice (nor cares) that the guy she's supposed to be focusing on has fallen off the radar. Everyday gets harder without any word from him, but she goes on. She has to. But she knows she's not dealing well.
So she calls Kurt one day. He's moved back to Ohio to be with Blaine after college when the guy is offered a teaching job at Dalton Academy and coach the Warblers. She tells him she misses him. She really does of course, but she knows there's someone else she misses more and he's just a substitute. He offers to drive up to see her. When he gets there, she doesn't tell him about the other boy she misses but she thinks he can tell anyway. He promises to take her to a karaoke bar on her off day so she can sing her blues away.
Two thousand, seven hundred and seventy eight miles (or one day and 17 hours) of driving away, he sits in his new apartment, staring at a picture in his hands.
"Never been a (girl) boy who used to cry
Didn`t show emotions, don`t know why
Didn`t wanna feel the pain inside, I guess
But as the years keep going by,
you came along and changed my mind
I should leave the past behind me,
I should let you find me1"
They've just gone through all the alcohol he's brought with him and he's a little drunk. He's about to go to sleep when he hears her. He knows she thinks she's being quiet and that he's already asleep, so he tries not to make a sound as he peeks in, and he feels his heart clench at the sight. She's singing softly, sadly...
"Supposed to stay beside me
You were supposed to guide me,
through the ups and downs,
you were always gonna be around until the end
I still think we could
`cause you and me, we`re good
And I`ll tell you why this hurts, 'cause I`m sober
But I just wanna be drunk
so I can forget about you
and all the stupid things that love has pulled me through
Even when I've had too much,
I still feel your touch
Maybe this just means that I`m not drunk enough1"
He finds himself unsurprised that it's not his step-brother's picture she's staring at.
He makes good on his promise that night. They're at their favorite karaoke place and they've mostly burned off all the alcohol out of their systems.
The lights dim as she stands in the stage. She closes her eyes and thinks of him as she starts to sing.
When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said
No final kiss to seal anything
I had no idea of the state we were in.
It's when she's about to start the next line that someone else's voice starts to sing from somewhere in the audience.
I know I have a fickle heart and bitterness
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head
But don't you remember, don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby please remember me once more.
The audience sighs, thinking it is the most romantic thing ever. She's surprised but doesn't let it faze her. She's always been a professional after all. So she sings the next line when he pauses,
When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memories?
I often think about where I went wrong.
The more I do, the less I know.
She waits for the familiar feeling of giddiness that always comes whenever he tries to woo her back into his arms as he continues the song,
But I know I have a fickle heart and bitterness
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head.
But don't you remember, don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby please remember me once more.
Somewhere in the audience, unknown to the two people on stage, another boy looks on. He sings with her silently from the back,
I gave you the space so you could breathe,
I kept my distance so you would be free,
He leaves just when she starts the next line, unnoticed even by the one'd who called him to come see her.
And hope that you find the missing piece
To bring you back to me
She stops to let the boy on stage sing the words she can't say back to him for some reason,
Why don't you remember, don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby please remember me once more
But claims the last line, knowing she is singing it for someone else.
When will I see you again?2
He takes a cab back to the airport, cursing himself for listening to Kurt and Mike. He should have known better. He tells himself that it's relief he feels that they hadn't seen him. He fights the urge to close his eyes, knowing that if he does, all the moisture that's been collecting at the back of his lids up since he'd walked out of the club would start to fall.
He's in the plane when he finally shuts his eyes. He almost laughs at how he'd thought to tell her,
"I heard you've been missing me,
You've been telling people things that you shouldn't be,
All of these words whispered in my ear,
Tell a story that I cannot bear to hear,"3
He snorts bitterly, when he almost hears her answer in his head,
"Just 'cause I said it, it don't mean I meant it,
People say crazy things,
Just 'cause I said it, don't mean that I meant it,
Just 'cause you heard it,"3
Well, he's learned his lesson. And he promises himself never to listen to rumors again.
It is two months after Kurt's visit when Finn breaks up with her again. She tries to muster the energy to get angry but can't seem to. She thinks the ennui she feels about everything has something to do with it. She's not sure if that's a good thing, but as it allows her to go on with her life, she supposes she shouldn't complain.
Fall has given way to winter when he tries to get back together again. She waits for the feeling of happiness and elation that usually comes to her when he wants her back but it doesn't. She takes him back anyway, because she has no one else. If she's less involved in the relationship, well, she doesn't question too much. She just continues on like normal, even though normalcy feels very much like acting – and not in a good way.
The New Year finds her being given an opportunity to perform in LA for a limited run of "Wicked." And it is with optimism that she flies the three thousand plus kilometers that separates it from New York, despite the fact that she and Finn has once again broken up. She wonders why at first but eventually thinks that time has finally done its job in making her forget the (other) missing boy in her life.
But she finds that she is mistaken in this belief. Because when she sees him – the other boy (man) - walking across the street from her in LA, she finds herself shaking as all the emotions she's suppressed in the months that he's been gone comes back to her. By the time she runs after him, he's gone. And she's left wondering if she really saw him or maybe just imagined him. She calls Mike to confirm, unmindful that she's late for her meeting at the theatre. But after a cryptic conversation, he hangs up on her.
She sees him again on her last day in LA. This time she is more prepared so she's finally able to catch up to him. But she doesn't get to talk to him. He's with someone else and she finds herself unable to intrude. She wonders at the pain she feels at seeing him laugh with someone other than her. She thinks it unfair that he's happy, because she's not. She wants to ask him,
"She is a stranger,
You and I have history,
Or don't you remember?
Sure, she's got it all,
But, baby, is that really what you want?3"
And when they disappear from her view, she is left crying in the street.
She swallows her pride and calls Mike again. But like before, he hangs up on her again. She still doesn't understand. So she leaves LA and pretends that she's never seen him.
Finn calls her when she's back in New York. He wants to get back together.
She feels nothing.
And it's when she's about to take him back that she realizes that she doesn't want to. Not anymore. She tries to imagine his reaction when she hangs up on him. He calls again, of course. But she unhooks her house phone and turns her cellphone off. It is with surprise that she finally recognizes that it is only relief that she feels. She considers this to be good news.
Kurt visits her again a week after she's back in New York. She knows she looks a mess but hopes he doesn't comment.
He does of course and she's not quite sure whether to feel grateful to have a friend who tells the truth even when she didn't feel like hearing it.
It is the pity she sees in his eyes that finally breaks her. And she cries as she finally acknowledges that it is the other boy she's been missing. Still misses. When she realizes why he knows it's the other boy/man and not his step-brother that she's mourning, she can't help but ask. His answer floors her, especially since there's no censure in his voice as he explains.
So she tells him about seeing him in LA and how she's chickened out of the confrontation. He wonders aloud what had happened to the old her. She wonders the same thing herself.
He eventually convinces her to call him – after finally convincing Mike to cough up the number.
She freezes at the sound of his voice and it takes a threat of him hanging up to make her speak.
She can tell he's surprised so she tells him she misses him. His lack of response deflates her.
It is when he hangs up on her, after asking the same question that Mike has asked her before he too had hung up on her on previous occasions, that the answer to the question she didn't know she's been asking herself this whole time comes to her.
And so she decides to fly back to LA.
She's standing on the same street and at about the same time she'd seen him before. She tries to ignore the look she's getting as she stands, hands in the pockets of her coat, all the while thinking,
I've made up my mind, don't need to think it over
If I'm wrong I am right, don't need to look no further
This ain't lust, I know this is love, but
If I tell the world, I'll never say enough
'Cause it was not said to you
And that's exactly what I need to do if I'd end up with you4
But it's during the agonizing wait that she starts to question herself again.
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?4
And just when she's about to give up, she sees him walking towards a café nearby. She heaves a sigh of relief because he's alone and he's not in rush because he sits down at one of the tables outside.
"Noah." She calls him softly as she moves to stand in front of his table.
He doesn't looks surprised and she realizes that Mike has probably called him.
"Can I sit down?" she asks politely, heart thumping madly.
He shrugs and she takes it to mean that he doesn't mind.
"What are you doing here?" he finally asks.
She ignores the question, and instead, asks, "How have you been?"
"I'm okay." He answers without any expression on his face.
She briefly considers making small talk but the fear of him suddenly deciding to leave gives her the courage to finally ask, "Why?"
He just stares at her, so she asks again, "Why did you leave?" while trying to keep her voice from breaking.
His tired answer, when it finally comes, surprises her,
"Didn't I give it all?
Tried my best,
Gave you everything I had,
Everything and no less,
Didn't I do it right?
Did I let you down?
Maybe you (just) got too used to,
Having me around,"5
She bites her lip and tries hard not to let the hurt come out, not wanting to chase him away, but she can't help it.
"Still, how can you walk away,
From my tears?
It's gonna be an empty road,
Without me right here,"5
He avoids her eyes and makes a move to stand up.
"Maybe I should leave,
To help you see,
Nothing is better than this,
And this is everything we need"5
She quickly reaches out and holds on to his arm, not quite believing he's just going to leave, and asks, voice breaking in anguish.
"So is it over?
Is this really it?
You're giving up so easily,
I thought you loved me more than this…"5
He shouldn't have been surprised that she knows he loves her, but he is. He'd always thought that she had been unaware of his feelings and that was why she hadn't made a choice. He'd left, telling himself that he wanted to forget her, but deep inside he'd really been hoping. That somehow, sometime into the future, she'd realize that she loved him all along. And then he can finally tell her that he loved her too.
But hearing her use it as an argument against him choosing to walk away, without voicing her feelings in return, just makes him realize how utterly hopeless everything really is. So he steels his resolve and tries to get her to let go.
She tightens her hold, unwilling to let him walk away.
"I will change if I must,
Slow it down and bring it home,
I will adjust"5,
She tells him, hoping to convince him, not realizing, that she's failed to say the one thing that would have made him stay.
It takes nearly all Puck has not to give in. But he's just been through this too many times for him to just believe her. So he strives to remain expressionless as he once again tries to get her to let go. He still loves her. He probably always will. But loving someone does not always guarantee that you're loved in return and it's time that he (really) needs to stop hoping. So he tells her, "I need to go…" even as he's silently saying,
"Oh, if only,
If only you knew,
Everything I do,
Is for you"5
It is then that she lets go. But it is with bitterness that she tells him,
"Go on, go on and take it,
Take it all with you,
Don't look back,
At this crumbling fool"5
He hesitates but she doesn't see it because she's stood up and turned away. And he's left staring at her retreating back, thinking,
"Just take it,
Take it all with you,
Don't look back,
At this crumbling fool,
Just take it all,
With my love"5
When she finally gives herself permission to look back, he too has turned the other way, and she's left whispering,
"Take it all,
With my love,
Take it all,
With my love."5
It's a month after that they finally acknowledge how miserable they (really) are. It's as though seeing each other again made them unable to pretend to themselves that they're still alright. And that the return of two thousand four hundred sixty two miles between them is okay.
She is listening to the radio when it hits her.
When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love6
He is in the middle of rehearsals for a concert that he's playing as a session musician, when he realizes it.
When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love
I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong6
And that despite what he's told himself when he walked away from her that day, he's still wishing that she somehow realizes it too.
She wonders how he his and hopes he's happy. Alone, she prays, because she can't quite make herself wish him happiness with someone else just quite yet.
I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love6
He wonders how she is and hopes she's happy. Alone, he prays, because he can't quite make himself wish her happiness with Finn again, just quite yet.
The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing like me yet6
It's with three hours of difference between them that they start to second-guess their decision.
I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you feel my love
To make you feel my love6
Because if it's really true that they could do anything and everything for each other given how they felt, how come they just gave up?
She calls him again and gets his answering machine. But instead of hanging up, like she's done before, she sings him her message.
"I've seen your face under every sky, But we had time against us,
Over every border and on every line,
You know my heart more than I do,
We were the greatest, me and you,
And miles between us,
The heavens cried,
I know I left you speechless,
But now the sky has cleared and it's blue,
And I see my future in you,
I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again,
I put my hands up,
I'll do everything different,
I'll be better to you,
I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again,
I put my hands up,
I'll be somebody different,
I'll be better to you…"7
She'd already hung up when she realizes she's forgotten to say something. So she calls again, and leaves another voicemail.
He rushes from the airport but traffic sucks so it's already 10 PM in New York City when he finally arrives in front of her apartment. He knows she's in because she's in between productions (he follows her tweets). He's nervous, but committed. He calls (he still knows her number by heart) because he can't get in and her buzzer is broken.
She's just come out of the shower and doesn't bother with the caller ID when she answers. "Hello," and almost stumbles when she hears him on the other end.
"Look out your window."
Unable to believe that he might really be out there, she runs to her window and looks down.
He waves at her and then starts to sing, while strumming his guitar.
"You've been on my mind
I grow fonder every day,
lose myself in time just thinking of your face
God only knows why it's taking me so long
to let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want
I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all,
You never know if you never try to forget your past
And simply be mine "8
It takes her till the second stanza before she can make herself buzz him in. And then she's out of the door and meeting him halfway down the three flights of stairs. She's on the second one when she comes face to face with him.
And "Noah" is all she can say.
He grins at her, and finishes the song.
"I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I'm worth it to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chances
"To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts"8
And when he's finally in front of her, she flings her arms around him unmindful of the guitar between then. He moves it to the side before he wraps his arms around her too. They stay like that for a while, both unwilling to let go.
"Yes." She whispers to him when she finally catches her breath.
"Yes?" He asks her.
"I'll be yours." She answers.
He doesn't say anything. He can't. He's too choked up.
But he manages to give her a kiss that sears her to her very bones. And then she kisses him back with a passion that melts him in return.
It's when they're in bed that she admits, "I'm glad you listened to what I had to say."
He gives her a confused look. "Huh?"
"The voicemail?" she asks.
"What voicemail?"
Back in LA, Puck's roommate is smiling just as the last message on their answering machine starts to play.
"In case it wasn't clear, Noah, I love you, not Finn, just you. So uhm…just call me whenever you're ready. I'll be waiting."
-Fin-
AN: Songs in order of appearance: 1 Not Drunk Enough; 2 Please Remember ; 3 Rumor Has It; 4 Chasing Pavements; 5 Take It All; 6 To Make You Feel My Love; 7 I'll Be Waiting; 8 One and Only