E2189: So, we're back in action, if you hadn't seen from our little surprise chapter in The Marvelous Adventures of a Mary-Sue: IC. Pixie and I've been talking for months about recapping the horrendous abomination of a movie known as, Eragon. It will be crude and derogatory, it will have many innuendos, and it will be fun!

…Hopefully.

This is in first-person Point-of-view, but just know that these lines are created by both of us. Except, of course, the lines that are in quotations…those are exclusively one or the other.

Disclaimer: We do not own Inheritance Cycle, Eragon *shudders*, or LOTR.

~A Recount of a Travesty: Eragon~

So the movie opens, and we get the first copyright infringement. Some narrator guy with an English accent pulls a Galadrial. There's some clouds, and he narrates about how Alagaesia was once prosperous under the dragon riders but that all fell apart. How sad.

Then, we see Galbatorix. He's ugly. The book fans know that WE DON'T EVEN READ ABOUT GALBATORIX'S APPEARANCE UNTIL BOOK FOUR!

…Ahem. Moving on.

Anyway, forgetting my little insane killing rage over that, we learn Galbozo killed the dragon riders in a single battle (book fans twitch again) and is evil. Very evil. And there's a random rebel force called the Varden that got crushed. Because, the Varden was totally around before Galby's rule. Riiight.

The Varden have to escape into the mountains…like cattle. That must've sucked. I wonder how many people died trying to climb those mountains…I bet people fell off screaming their heads off. Wouldn't that have alerted Galby of their position? …Oh well…anywho. We get some scenes of dragons fighting, and some scenes of people fighting.

Facepalm.

A black guy dies, further narrating the point that Varden people are getting killed. We're what, a minute in? Sensing some racism.

YAY! People riding through the forest at night. Apparently we're following Arya, an "ally of the Varden," who's apparently carrying an important stone with her. And Galby wants it back, so he's gonna send his pet, Durza the Greasy after her to get it.

Wait…this can't be Arya…this girl's a strawberry blonde twit with oddly human-shaped ears! And to top it all off, she's dressed in a strange, deerskin garb. THIS CAN'T BE ARYA, I SAY! NAY! NAY!

We'll see the real Arya soon.

(Isn't my denial cute?)

*A few fans go into convulsions*

Cut to Galby, who suffers without his stone. Durza needs to go get it. E2189 pauses on the screen where Druza has a creepy face. Heh.

Galby: I suffer without my stone.

Durza: K, dude. I'll get it for ya.

Galby: You better.

Durza: I gotchu man.

Ooh. Title. It's not capitalized. Either e. e. cummings wrote it, or the writer has no grammar skills. I suspect the latter.

Now we see small hut, where a blonde kid wakes up in the middle of the night. Who's that blonde pansy? That's not our hero. He's not that much of a wimp.

He gets up, stares at a sleeping guy and smiles creepily for no reason. It's kinda stalkerish. Then, he grabs a stick and walks out of the hut.

CN (Cheesy Narrator, for future reference): This kid's name is Eragon, and he's going hunting.

E2189: K, man. A little self-explanatory, but okay.

WP: That's Eragon? He can't be blonde!

E2189: ...It looks like he is.

And I hate each and every stupid little brown highlight in his bleach-blonde hair.

We're in the forest again, where Arya is riding for her life with two other dudes. Enter Durza again, (cue creepy close-up of the shade) from seemingly out of nowhere. He grins, more like a bearing of teeth. Kinda like a dog. And then he signals his peepz to shoot their arrows. They take out the two guys riding with Arya, and she's left alone. Then suddenly…FIRE! IT'S ALL AROUND ARYA! HOLY SHIT! Oh, it's okay Durza's there, but he doesn't seem that happy.

Eragon is running in the woods. Not the same woods…but it looks like it. Confusion.

Eragon's being stealthy. It's funny, 'cause it fails.

*Scene change*

Arya's sexy when she runs. I notice she has no pointy ears. The hardcore fans start asphyxiating. Arya, being an elf, can't do magic to get out of the fire. Riiight.

Eragon shoots an arrow. It looks like he's trying to save Arya, but really, it's just a stupid mash-up scene.

The "Stone" (which we all know is a dragon egg, I mean, come on) that was previously in her hands, vanishes into thin air. Durza seems even angrier about this. Oh shit, he's downright pissed!

*EPIC SCENE SWTICH!*

Eragon's arrow catches fire. Then it hits a tree. I didn't think he could hit a tree…he looks too dumb to be able to hit the side of a barn. Hum.

OH NOES! BLINDING BLUE LIGHTS! IT BUUUUUUURNS! Oh no, it's okay, it's just THE STONE amidst lots of dry ice.

Arya falls and exposes her legs. And pants. Heavily. The guys in the audience decide to stay after all.

Durza is there, and I doubt he'd try and rape her, considering he's sort of controlling without touching her and making her limbs spaz out in obvious pain. (Well, unless he's into that sort thing…) It's slightly creepy. She doesn't fight with magic, because, she's not an elf, who could use magic. Clearly, as she doesn't have pointy ears.

Arya seems to know where the egg went. Because that's probable. Yeeeeah. Can't use magic, but has telepathic contact with the egg. Okay then.

Eragon picks the egg up (how did he do that with the dry ice? Wouldn't it have been too cold? Stupid science, you LIED TO ME!) and looks surprised. HE'S STILL BLONDE! SUCH A PANSY! HE LOOKS LIKE AN IDIOT! HOW IS THAT OUR HERO? Grrr.

*regains composure*

Anyway, after all that drama, which I guess was supposed to engage us, but just made book fans cringe a couple thousand times, we cut to a village. There are soldiers taking boys for an army. Apparently, there's a draft. Unlike in the book.

What an honor, serving under the rule of a blood-thirsty murdering tyrant. PICK ME! I WANNA GO NEXT!

*Twitches*

The flowerchild in me screams in pain at the drafting of the boys.

Horst's sons: HELL, NO, WE WON'T GO!

Then we see a guy cutting meat.

…At the butcher's. An ugly fat dude is cutting it up. With vigor.

E2189: He has a lot of stubble that's heading towards beard. He should shave that puppy.

WP: -_-

Eragon shows up at the butcher's. He shows Eragon a real nifty piece, and apparently the fat "melts right into the meat." Yum. That sounds scrumptious.

Eragon asks how much.

Then, the butcher makes fun of Eragon's poverty. Eragon can't buy his meat.

Eragon offers to trade the stone for it. He says all this in an annoying, overdramatic tone. The butcher freaks out when Eragon says he got it in the Spine. That's the woods he was hunting in, in case non-book-fans didn't catch that. And it belongs to the king. Apparently, Eragon's going to endanger everyone by having it.

Eragon doesn't seem to care.

Eragon: Geez, fine. I'll just take my blue thing and go then.

Then we pan over some dead chickens.

We see this disheveled looking guy sitting by the strung up dead chickens. You all know him as Brom, the only real motherfucker in this whole movie. It's a shame he gets killed off—ooh, did I say that out loud? I'm sorry. A soldier (Carvahall is crawling with them. Books fans moan in agony.) A soldier asks where he got the chickens, and Brom makes up a smart-ass story. Eragon smirks. The guy kicks Brom off his stool (git!) and confiscates the chickens. Brom unsheathes his dagger…in comparison to the soldiers' long swords, and stands. Instead of making a threatening move, he backs down and cuts the line of poultry.

Eragon looks concerned. What a wide range of acting talent.

Then, it's back to Uncle Bilbo's—damn, I mean Uncle Garrow's house. Hovel. Thingy.

There's another Eragon.

Another blonde, curly-hair, gay-as-a-hoot-owl wimp. There's TWO OF THEM.

We're doomed.

There's a slashy moment where they hug.

Eragon 2: The mighty hunter returns! With his invisible catch! What, did you flinch when the deer growled?

E2189: Oooh, nice one.

I like Eragon 2 already. He taunts Eragon. Solidarity!

Then the two proceeded to engage in a non-racy sparring match. Eragon picked up a…long stick. Then Roran grabbed an even…longer stick. And both began to duel. The impromptu play-fight ended with a steamy wrestling match in the hay. Damn, I didn't know it was that comfortable. Thanks for letting me know, good insight!

*Slash goggles: activated*

Uncle is not happy they are messing around. Apparently he doesn't approve of yaoi incest. Way to be a buzz-kill, Uncle!

Eragon runs off to be alone and pulls out the stone. He strokes it.

Eragon: "Maii…PRESHUS!"

Then we cut scenes again. Eragon and Roran are working with hoes. Heh.

Roran is leaving, and Eragon is sad. He will miss the sex. Not a very eventful scene here, folks.

Later that night, Eragon and Uncle have a heart to heart while brushing a horse. Eragon's Uncle Garrow asks him if Roran has told him about his leaving, to which Eragon obviously replies that he has.

Garrow: Some people crave what's right under their nose. Some people crave the unknown.

Eragon: Is that why Mom left?

Garrow: My sister left in a hurry, but whatever the reason, I'm sure it was for your benefit. In any case, if she hadn't had left, I wouldn't have another son!

Me: Oh, I'm sure.

Eragon: *Smiles and feels loved*

Eragon sits and stares moodily into the sunset.

*Murtagh appears, clutching a script* I'm the emo one!

Eragon: Get out! You appear…later. I forget when.

Murtagh: Yeah, I'm kinda confused about that too…

Roran's leaving. Uncle comes out in a red bathrobe. Seriously. Maybe it's supposed to be an everyday robe but it looks like a bathrobe. Roran and Garrow hug. Roran almost cries. Eragon is left excluded on the outside, kinda like the emo in the corner.

Murtagh: *narrows eyes* I am the emo. ME, ME!

*Nasuada pops in, hands on her waist*

Nasuada: Murtagh, shut up.

Murtagh: *grumbles* I hate you all.

The two walk into town. Eventually, Roran stops and looks at his younger cousin and says five words that made me dissolve into hysterics.

Roran: Get better with that aim.

Eragon: *laughs*

E2189: HOLY FUCK MUFFINS! *SLASH GOGGLES: FULLY ACTIVATED* BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

WP: …Ahem…

E2189: I'm sure he didn't mean how that sounded. But yeah, Eragon, get better with that aiming. I'm sure you'll need it at a later date.

WP: ….*facepalm*

Eragon and Roran hug each other tightly in a non-intimate way, and Eragon watches pathetically as his fuck-buddy walks off into the sunset. Oh, well. I doubt we'll see Roran again.

Eragon goes into the barn thingy they call a house. The stone starts moving…cracking…oh, by the lost kings, we know it's hatching. Everyone saw that coming. Eragon's "WTF?" facial expressions are amusing.

And then, SNAP, CRACKLE, POP! Out comes a BABY DRAGON! HOLY SHIT! But what does Era-freakin-gon do? He doesn't run away screaming, like most SANE PEOPLE WOULD. No, he tries to pet it, smiling like an idiot. Because, dragons are not deadly or anything.

This is how we weed out the gene pool, kids, Darwin's theory. Good ole Darwin's theory.

The dragon seems scared of Eragon. Seriously, dragon, he's a wimp. You could totally take him out.

Eragon: What are you?

E2189: Umm…are you blind? Or are you just that retarded?

Eragon: Well, you're not a bird.

E2189: …No shit Sherlock.

Eragon: *puts out hand* "Here, dragon, dragon, dragon. Heeere, dragon!"

Eragon touches the dragon, and there's another flash of blue light. These flashes are getting monotonous. No dry ice this time, however.

*OMG SCREEN SWITCH!*

Everyone seems to share Arya's mental-stone-telepathy. Brom, Galbatorix, Arya, and Durza all seem to sense it. And Arya is laying randomly on a table. Okay, not into the kinky stuff I see.

Durza walks in, and is all like, "where's the egg?"

Arya: It's too late. It's hat-tched.

Durza: *puts a demonic spell-of-pain-thing on Arya*

Arya: *SPAZ*

Then, it's morning in Eragon's hut! Let us all take a minute to squee over baby Saphira. Aww.

Oh. The dragon's pissed. Eragon, realizing that he/she is hungry, attempts to feed his dragon…milk. Like a normal baby. ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED? You don't feed a dragon MILK you MORON! And predictably, the dragon bits the sack Eragon put the milk in, making it spill all over the place. Aww, Eragon, you suck at life.

Eragon: Ok...now you have no food. Nice going.

Dragon: *sigh*

The dragon leaps behind a small mound of hay, which hides the blood-thirsty carnage that follows. She is shown a few seconds later with a wiggling tail in her mouth.

E2189: …Ew.

Me: GROSS.

E2189: I doubt that's sanitary.

Eragon: So much for our rat problem!

Cue idiot grin.

GAH! I HATE THAT GRIN!

Also, why is Eragon sleeping in the barn? Does his family hate him that much? ...Because I would.

Then we cut yet again to Durza the Greasy. He's in Galby's poorly lit throne room with the map that's exactly like the one in the book. They better have paid John Jude Palancar, that's all I have to say.

Galby should invest in some decent lighting. They have great chandeliers at Home Depot.

Durza is smirking when he tells Galby the egg has hatched for a poor farm boy.

Galby: WTF? That's terrible! Have you learned nothing from Luke Skywalker? Farm boys are scary! He'll challenge me. I don't wanna be challenged.

Durza: There is no one left to challenge you.

Galby: *walks up to the map.* Uh. Yeah there is. Dwarves, elves, the Varden… *points to Surda.*

Me: THE ELVES DON'T LIVE THERE, FOOLI! Get your geography straight! *twitches*

Galby gets up close to Durza.

*Slash goggles: ACTIVATE!*

E2189: *Leans into the screen* I could almost swear Galby's about to jump 'im. I mean, look at all that clearly unresolved sexual tension.

Durza: I will kill the boy before he becomes a man.

Ahem.

E2189: Well, damn.

Then, Durza's wearing a scary cape and making compost monsters. These can't be the ra'zac…

*Scene change* Eragon angsts again. The dragon has grown to about the size of a beagle.

Eragon: Where's your mother? Did she abandon you too? Did she leave in a great hurry?

Aww…Eragon looks sad. Like a kicked puppy, maybe. Only I do not have the urge to cuddle him.

The dragon crawls up between Eragon's legs and he pets her. I will say nothing.

Also, Eragon has a scar. It's weird. It's not a Gedway Ignasia…it's a swirl. We'll see real gedway soon!

My denial is cuter than ever.

Then it's night again, and Eragon's in the village. That he lives far away from and doesn't go too often. In the book.

*facepalm*

People are ranting about the drafted boys. They are probably dead. Brom starts in on the time of the riders. Normal humans remember it, because it was just a few years ago.

Several book fans die. Horribly.

Brom keeps telling his story. He gets to the interesting bit about how Galby killed the riders (without the forsworn, of course.)

And the soldiers (WHO SHOULDN'T BE THERE!) flip out. This time, Eragon defends Brom. Like an idiot.

Brom: The time of dragon riders will come again.

*Significant look toward Eragon*

Camera pans over trees. Eragon is tossing the dragon up in the air, trying to get it to fly, while telling her about what Brom said.

Then she disappears. Eragon wipes the stupid grin off his face.

Eragon: She's gone? WHY DO ALL WOMEN LEAVE ME?

Then, the clouds catch fire.

Dragon reappears. She has grown fully in five minutes.

WP: THAT IS TOTALLY AGAINST THE BOOK! THAT IS SICK AND WRONG AND SHODDY WORKMANSHIP!

Hi, this is Evanesce2189. Pixie just collapsed. We'll get back to the story shortly.

…

Dragon: My name's Saphira. I'm coming up with it, on my own, just to make the book fans convulse. It's fun.

Saphira tells him Brom was right. The time of the riders iscoming again. Even though, according to the book, the time of the riders is over. Still, it makes for some cheesy inspirational-ness.

Eragon: …You can hear my thoughts?

Saphira: Well...there's very little to hear…but yes. And you can hear my thoughts too.

Scene cuts again. Eragon is sneaking into Brom's house. It is full of fire hazards.

E2189: What's with all the little candles and fire pits and crap? They're all right next to (or on top of) the books!

Brom is mad Eragon's sneaking in his house and reading his books.

Brom: GET OUT!

Eragon: I wanna know more! Please, tell me about the dragons!

Brom: Did anyone see you come here?

Eragon: How big were they? When did they breathe fire?

Brom: …What we have here is a failure to communicate.

Eragon: You mocked the king in front of his soldiers.

Brom: I always say, it's better to ask forgiveness than permission.

Eragon: …Are you always this annoyingly enigmatic? I'm leaving.

He bangs out the door. Brom pulls out a sword. It is red with a blue jewel on the hilt. What the fuck? Please tell me that's not Zar'roc…

Eragon then hears Sloan being tortured. He does not help. What a great hero. He hears Sloan telling the ra'zac about him, and is understandably freaked.

He runs home, and Saphira "surprised adopts" him. Eragon, however, sucks at riding her. He falls into a haystack , conveniently on Eragon's property. He then runs into his barn/hovel/house. Garrow is dead. Eragon cries.

Okay, let's slow down. It's like, half an hour into the movie, and the plot is moving faster than greased lightning. There was never any Eragon/Saphira bonding, ETC. This happened over the course of months, not days.

*Facepalm*

I guess the lack of bonding explains what happens next, because Eragon is angry with Saphira for not letting him go save Garrow. He sends her away.

WP: DRAGONS AND RIDERS LOVE EACH OTHER! NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMS STANCES, WOULD THEY FIGHT AND SEND EACH OTHER AWAY! GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Well, Eragon sort of does it in Brisingr. But that's another can of worms. And different circumstances. And stuff.

E2189: ANYWAY, Brom appears.

Brom: They got Garrow, but they were after you! We gotta get out of here!

Eragon: Not before we bury him!

Brom: *Tosses random fiery torch that he has even though its daylight (Weird.) into hay.* There, a funeral fit for a king.

And then it starts raining, while Brom and Eragon ride through mountains. It's epic. It substitutes the plot development that happened in the first twenty chapters. It doesn't substitute very well. But there is some epic music and some pretty mountains.

Eragon is sore from riding. (The horse.)

Brom: Call your dragon.

Eragon: We're not speaking.

E2189: Srsly, dude? That's your best lame-ass excuse?

Brom: You know, you are one part brave, three parts fool.

WP: Three parts? Ahahaha. 100%, my friend.

Brom guesses Eragon's age. Eragon is offended. He is seventeen.

WP: GAH!

He turns sixteen later on. SIXTEEN! WHEN HE'S CROSSING THE HADERAC DESERT WITH MURTAGH! DAMN IT!

Brom makes him call Saphira, who has apparently "never left." Doesn't make sense.

Brom admires Saphira creepily. Saphira likes it.

We are disturbed.

Then, Brom says that if a dragon dies, the rider lives but not vice versa.

WP: WTF? THAT IS NOT IN THE BOOK! THAT IS SICK AND WRONG AND NOT CANON! IT CAUSED A CRAPLOAD OF MISCONCEPTION IN FANFICTION AND IS TOTALLY MADE UP! GAHHHHHHHHHHH! *rips hair out*

*Fans sob hysterically*

Brom pronounces raz'ac "ra'zacs." I cry.

Durza is seen to get pissed and do an awesome disappeary thingy. He stabs an Urgal in the foot. He's scary.

They ride. They see some Urgals massacring a village. Eragon wants to help, but Brom won't.

Brom says Eragon is incompetent. Eragon is offended.

Eragon: I have skills.

Yes, those exact words.

Eragon: I've trained with Roran…with swords.

E2189: *Chokes on the popsicle she was eating*

Brom: *sarcastically* Perhaps I've underestimated you.

They fight. Eragon gets his ass handed to him. It's the best part of the movie.

Eragon lies to Saphira that he could have beaten Brom. Riiight.

Brom swears. Brisingr!

Yes, that's a swear word.

A fire starts.

Brom holds up rocks convincingly.

Then they plans to go to Daret and the foothills of the Varden. No other towns. No desert. At all.

Fans and John Jude Palancar cry.

Then they come to a creepy village. Bongo drums play.

Eragon dreams of Arya, who gets rid of the "stone."

Eragon is instructed by Brom to buy bread, and to not talk to ANYONE. Emphasis on the ANYONE.

OMG! EMO DUDE HANGING AORUND IN THE SHADOWS.

Murtagh: *script in one hand, book in the other* I show up in Daret…but this is Terim if Eragon's going to see Angela. Wait, where the hell is Jeod? But in the book I show up in some woods…way later on…I give up. I think I'll just wing it and look hot.

Eragon sees Angela. She is not awesome and quirky with brown curly hair. She is a blonde belly-dancer who talks in third person. Solembum's important plot advice is nowhere to be seen. Angela does not toss and read the bones, but drops them and put her hands on them, loses her pupils, and talks.

E2189: Why are all the important characters in this movie freakin' blonde?

WP: …Good point…I have no idea.

Eragon is attacked by an Urgal out of nowhere. Brom helps him, and then scolds Eragon.

There is a fight between Urgals and the two humans. Eragon yells "BRISINGR!" while shooting an arrow. Randomly. It causes the bridge to explode. Then Eragon faints.

Then he wakes up. Aww…

Saphira's saving him. BAD SAPHIRA!

Cut to Arya she's arching her back and moaning.

Hm, hm, hm. I can't think of any suggestiveness.

Eragon wakes up.

Eragon: I feel like I've been kicked by a horse.

E2189: *wistfully* If only…

Eragon learns his ancient language vocab from Brom. Then he goes flying with Saphira and sees the world through her eyes. She sees in yellow. Books fans twitch. SUDDENLY Brom gets attacked by ra'zac!

Then, Saphira lands and Brom and Eragon fight Ra'zac.

Eragon rips off Brom's glove, revealing his gedway.

Books fans give up and die, screaming in agony. The plot that was fucked up in Daret is now totally thrown to the wind.

Brom's dragon is dead. It's sad.

Brom shows him his kickass sword, Zar'roc. It belonged to Morzan. An evil dude. Not the first and last of the forsworn, though.

Eragon dreams of Arya. It's kind of weird, cuz she's dancing between the trees while Eragon follows after her like a dog. At least that aspect of their relationship in the book stays the same. She speaks to him in his dream, which is totally against the book. She confesses that she's a princess. People who haven't read Eldest yet, writhe.

Eragon wants to save Pretty Elf. Brom wants to go to the Varden. They are two or three days away. What. The. FUCK? At this rate, Alagaesia is about the size of a city block.

Saphira is not sure about the wild-goose chase idea either, but Eragon jumps on her and says, "I'm the rider, and I say we go!"

OK, let's break down what would happen if this was the bookverse.

Saphira: "What. The. Hell. Did. You. Just. Say?"

*pins Eragon under her feet.*

This is what happens in the movie.

Saphira: *takes off*

Eragon spies on…Uru'baen? Gil'ead? I don't know.

THE GEOGRAPHY! IT IS FUCKED!

Eragon sneaks in by wearing a cape that he pulls out of nowhere. No one notices him. Funny, I'd know that smarmy face anywhere.

Look, it's emo guy! Apparently, emo guy is stalking Eragon.

Couple questions here.

One: Who would want to stalk Eragon?

Two: Does emo guy know how creepy that is?

Three: Does emo guy know how much he is encouraging the EraMur shippers?

Eragon finds Arya without any help. I'm beginning to think he has an Arya GPS.

She tells him he shouldn't have come. While laying on her back and moaning. Heh.

Then the shade shows up.

He proceeds to move his hands and cause sharp objects to fly at Eragon. No ancient language.

The few book fans left start barfing uncontrollably.

Eragon manages to out-magic him and make him dissolve. It's not like Durza's a freaking SHADE or anything, and Eragon's supposed to be a farm boy and a relative noob at magic.
BUT WAIT! It's a castle! There are guards!

Eragon's about to get owned when Emo Guy starts knocking people out with a bow and arrow. Like Legolas from LOTR.

He throws his hood back so he's recognizable.

Emo: "I suggest you leave quickly!"

Really? Really? Wonderful first line. However much they paid you, Mr. Hedlund, it was not enough.

A solider throws a sword at Eragon when SUDDENLY, BROM!

Brom jumps in front of the sword, and Saphira crashes through the wall. Eragon asks her if she can carry three, and she says not for long. She doesn't have much trouble taking off though.

They land in the forest. Eragon tries to heal Brom and fails epically. The storyline dies with Brom, along with the last sliver of acting talent that was Jeremy Irons.

Saphira decides to carry Brom while he does. It's actually a touching scene.

*shakes-self*

Eragon buries him under rocks, and Saphira turns it into diamond, and Arya and Eragon stand together admiring it. Saphira rises up on her haunches and spreads her wings like a butterfly.

E2189: Strange…

Galby's pissed at Durza. There's some closeness that's very freaky. Galby/Durza is a scary prospect. Durza does his awesome disapeary thingy.

E2189: I warned you about that "jumping him" thing…

Eragon and Arya are in the woods, when Arya collapses.

Arya: Eragon!

SUE! MARY-FREAKIN-SUE! WITH A REALLY ANNOYING HIGH VOICE!

Arya grabs his forehead. It's weird. She shows him the thirty-second route to the Varden. Then she faints. There's a flashback of Durza dripping poison from his fingernails on her chest. Weird. That's oddly kinky.

Eragon tries to rip Arya's dress down to get at the poison mark thingy. It's not suggestive at all.

E2189: OMG, HE'S GONNA RAPE HER!

WP: Oh, would you relax?

Then Arya faints.

E2189: Phew! False alarm.

Saphira suddenly flies up in the air and drops some guy on the ground.

It's EMO GUY!

He's laughing. Now, if I had just been grabbed by a big, huge fucking dragon with claws and fangs, I would be flipping out. But I guess Emo Guy is too cool for that shit.

Eragon is mistrustful. Emo Guy keeps laughing. Apparently, he is "Murtagh." He is dressed much cooler than Eragon, in all black with a badass cape. He's kinda cute. *hides fangirl drool* Maybe things are looking up. Of course, the storyline is still royally fucked over, and Arya shouldn't have been awake, and Murtagh should have showed up way earlier and Brom should have died earlier, and…yeah.

Murtagh: I've been dreaming of dragons all my life.

E2189: ...I'm sure you have.

Murtagh: I don't know. First epic line that came to mind.

WP: …Moving onward.

Murtagh: Do you seek the Varden? I know these mountains, every valley, every stream.

!

WP: *grabs Emo and shakes him* FOOL! YOU'VE SPENT YOUR ENTIRE EMO LIFE IN MORZAN'S CASTLE OR URU'BAEN! YOU ARE SHELTERED! YOU"VE JUST ESCAPED! YOU'VE NEVR BEEN HERE, AND YOU REFUSE TO GO TO THE VARDEN! THERE'S A SLASHY WRESTLING SCENE ABOUT IT IN THE BOOKS! YOU ARE CLEARLY NOT MURTAGH! IMPOSTER!

Hey guys, E2189 again. Pixie had to be sedated. We'll be back somewhat shortly.

Anyway. Eragon decides to trust Murtagh. He needs a tour guide anyway.

There's some running. Murtagh looks cooler than Eragon. I freakin' love his cape. It kinda billows a la Snape in the running scenes. Awesome.

Saphira: The Urgals are closing in!

WP: ….What Urgals?

E2189: *Pauses the screen* Well you see, there seems to be a lot of Urgals all running along this road in that direction.

WP: …

E2189: *Shrugs*

WP: THERE WERE NO URGALS TWO SECONDS AGO! NONE! AND SUDDENLY, RANDOM URGALS! SHODDY! TOTALLY STUPID! THAT IS A HUGE FREAKIN' PLOT HOLE! GAH!

E2189: Pixie, shut up.

Wait, there's the Varden. Eragon leaps into the water, apparently looking for the entrance. Muragh hesitates. He really doesn't want to get rid of his awesome cape.

Finally, when the Urgals are getting close, Murtagh says goodbye to the badass cape and jumps into the water. There's some swimming and attacking, and then there's some vaguely Arab people.

And then we're in a cave. A black guy shows up. Eragon starts babbling, and the black guy introduces himself as Ajihad.

Ajihad: If you're a rider, call your beast.

Dragons. Aren't. Beasts. That's a huge insult.

Saphira somehow makes it into that tiny cave. People flip out about Arya.

Eragon: *dramatically.* (WP: God, I hate that voice!) She's been poisoned. By a SHADE!

Ajihad is concerned…until he spots Murtagh.

Murtagh is looking nervous. I wonder why…

Ajihad: OMG! IT'S EFFING MURTAGH!

Murtagh: *defiant look*

Ajuhad: …You're the son of Morzan, the traitor.

Everyone: Who the hell's Morzan?

Murtagh creates a diversion by taking off his shirt.

Several fangirls begin to hyperventilate.
He has a really pathetic scar. Or cut. It doesn't look very scarrish.

WP: I've gotten worse from my cat.

Murtagh goes on an emo tangent.

Murtagh: A son doesn't choose his father. This is the only thing he ever gave me. I hated that man 'till the day he died!

WP: …Which was when you were, like, five. I doubt you could have had that much bitterness in your soul that young.

Murtagh: Don't underestimate my emo-ness.

Ajihad: Lock him up! If he tries to escape, kill him!

Murtagh looks angsty as he's dragged away, attempting to fight off the guards.

Murtagh: For this I lost my cape?

Anyway, we cut to Eragon in his room. He's shirtless.

Nasuada appears and hits on Eragon. She's ugly and totally non-Nasuada-ish.

She leads him out into the mountains city and shows him around. Then, Arya is shown to help Eragon into his armor.

The screenwriter was a pathetic AxE shipper, I just know it.

The armor looks like something that would be seen at a heavy metal concert.

Arya hits on Eragon. I beat my head against a wall.

Saphira is given armor too. And apparently, there are Urgals storming Farthen Dur.

Eragon stands on a cliff while carnage happens below. Don't you just love our hero?

Murtagh is in a cage. A wooden cage. He is freaking out, yelling for someone to let him out.

Really, the cage is pretty shoddy, he could probably break it—oh yeah, there we go! That was pretty badass. Totally against the book, but let's give up on that.

Eragon stares. There's fighting. Arya sounds like Princess Peach as she kills people.

There's men. Soldiers of Galby. WTF? Books fans retch.

Eragon and Saphira have a heart-to-heart. Apparently, Saphira picked Eragon for his heart or something sappy like that.

Eragon: TO THE SKY TO WIN OR DIE!

WP: …Or something like that. Neither E2189 nor I can remember the line.

E2189: *Shrugs*

Saphira: Look what I can do!

Saphira toasts Eragon's sword for the first time. It sounds wrong, but it's cool-looking.

Murtagh is in trouble. He's being attacked by Urgals on a bridge. Eragon saves him. Murtagh is surprised Eragon has done anything good.

Durza has a badass black monster.

Eragon: What is that thing?

Saphira: Daaark magic.

WP: …That clears so very much up. Thanks for being specific, Saphira!

Eragon tries to meld eyes with Saphira, but her vision's failing. She's dying. The few, hard-core book fans left alive scream in agony at the thought of Saphira dying.

Eragon battles Durza on his monster. Said monster bites Saphira through her armor. That's gotta be some sharp teeth…

Eragon sinks a sword in Durza's heart. Durza seems to…smile?

Perhaps he thinks dissolving into smoke is funny.

Anyway, Saphira lands, and Eragon tries to heal her.

Saphira: Even you…don't have enough heart for both of us.

The corny line buzzer has given up and died.

*FAAADE to black!*

WP: Oh, btw, there's no Durza's-memories-Eragon's scar-Durza-almost-drives-Eragon-insane-Oromis-intervenes PLOT DEVELOPMENT. But I'm too sick of ranting.

E2189: *fervently* THANK YOU LORD!

Eragon wakes up. Murtagh is sitting next to him, staring disturbingly intently at him.

*Slash goggles: ACTIVATED! *

Eragon: ZOMG SAPHIRA! It's not like I can mentally contact her or anything!

Murtagh: *adorably sad look*

E2189 pauses the screen and we drool.

Murtagh: Some friends can't be replaced.

Eragon: ZOMG! MY DRAGON'S DEAD!

Murtagh: Luckily some don't have to be! April Fool's!

…You know, Murtagh, you can be a real jerk.

E2189: If it were me I would've punched him in his sexy-sad-face

Eragon: Wait a sec—where's the hot elf?

Murtagh: I thought that might come up. She left on horseback. *tosses Eragon clothes*

Saphira: But what horse was ever made that could outrun a dragon?

Annnnd that was Saphira's only in character moment of the whole movie! Careful! Don't miss it!

Eragon flies out to Arya, who's leaving. Without him.

The last book fan moans in agony.

Eragon and Arya flirt. Arya touches his shoulder.

The last book fan dies off, pathetically.

E2189: I give up. This thing sucks.

Then the credits roll, and Avril Lavigne plays.

No, really.

WP: So, let's summarize. The story line gets royally fucked up, Arya doesn't have pointy ears, Eragon's a pansy, and Murtagh's hot as fuck?

E2189: Yup, basically.

*Cue synchronized facepalms*

Hey there! Pixie here, and I'd just like to say how great it was to write this with E2189.

I'm still recovering from watching that awful movie again... R&R!

We're still working on the Chronicles of Narnia version TMAOMS, so check it out under Evanesence2189's account.

Peace