to those who have love and lost

By Chocolate Pencil

A/N: First Death Note fanfiction, and boy, is the Death Note fandom hard to write. Especially Near. Hope this was okay. A review would make my day. :)

Warning: Spoilers for up to chapter 83 and maybe chapter 99

Pairings: Vague Matt/Mello and Matt/Near, but only if you squint. Mostly friendship.

Disclaimer: Don't own Death Note

EDIT- Reuploaded after a lot of major editing. This one is much better, believe me. Much better.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up.

-Neil Gaiman (The Kindly Ones)

Matt took up smoking at age fourteen, the paper boxes filled with white sticks lying in their deathbed appearing a week after L was announced dead and Mello left. Near would always see them tossed on the bedside drawer, crinkly plastic wrapping next to it. No one questioned it, and Roger didn't see.

"Those are going to kill you someday," Near told him tonelessly. He had just walked in on him as Matt hid in the empty closet, multitasking- fingers tapping away at the GameBoy in his hands, click-click-click, and mouth pressed around a half-finished cigarette. Smoke trailed away from the ashy end, and the whole setting just seemed like Matt was trying to be cool. He might be. While Matt didn't actually try anything in public, he just was, some things were more about what you wanted to pretend than what others thought. If that made any sense at all.

Whatever Matt was trying to achieve, it was ruined when he started coughing, forcing him to drop his game and snatch his cigarette out of his mouth.

"Damn," Matt hissed, picking up his game and putting the cigarette back where it used to be. "What did you say?"

"Those are going to kill you someday," Near repeated, eyes blank and one hand twisting on his hair. Matt just shrugged.

Near kind of liked Matt that way. He wasn't high-strung or too loud, he didn't ask questions and talk to you endlessly, he didn't try to be smart or make Near his friend. He was a mixture of slightly careless, extremely laid back, and incredibly loyal. Sometimes Near thought that if things were different, Matt and he could have been good companions.

But those weren't needed. Good companions often translated into good friends, which meant missing them when they left, which could lead to irrational actions caused by deep emotions. Although Matt seemed to be just fine, with the only addition being the smoking, you never know sometimes. The actions of humans were predictably unpredictable, if years of observing Mello counted for anything.

He guessed that counted for himself as well. That was certainly something to chew on.

"Well, I'll probably die before then," Matt mumbled, eyes hidden by orange plastic.

"Why?"

Matt didn't answer for a long time, fingers moving swiftly over buttons as the monster on the screen disappeared in a fit of animated blood and guts.

"Mello's going to need my help some time or another," he finally said, calmly. Near nodded.

Human emotion. Nicotine. The downfall of Matt.

"Don't you ever feel?" Matt asked a few days later. He stood in the doorway of the room Near was in, just the two of them inside as everyone else flooded out to play, striped arms stuck in the pocket of his old jeans and looking fully like he wanted to be anywhere else.

He wasn't smoking but Near could smell the stink of the smoke on him; it clung to Matt like bad memories and lint. Near wondered offhandedly how Matt was going to get away this time, without Mello to help and make elaborate plans and excuses to cover up the giveaway scent, and then Near felt the urge to scoot away from him, because he'd prefer not to have cigarette smoke lingering on his clothes.

"Feel? I'm afraid I do not understand the question," Near replied, placing one domino on top on another.

"Uh, you know, feel...stuff."

Near frowned at the vague descriptions. "Yes, I do. Everyone does."

"So, you can feel anger and hurt and happiness and sadness and stuff like that?" Matt asked.

"Yes." It was a strange question, and Near thought that Matt was like all the others, thinking wownearyou'resogoodit'slikeyou'reaROBOT. And that wasn't true because Near wasn't metal and plastic being moved by soft hands, he was more of an antique teddy bear worth a heavy price so it was kept safe and isolated and no one would touch it for fear of messing it up because he was precious, but not in the way teddy bears are supposed to be.

"But do you ever...have you ever..." Matt stumbled, shoving his hands deeper into his pockets and flushed a strawberry red. Near glanced up at him as Matt stumbled for words and then looked down on his domino tower.

"I have never loved." With a gentle flick, the tower crashed down in a clatter and a myriad of black and white.

But Matt has, haven't you, Matt? For a friend. All for a friend.

A few months later, Matt stood in the doorway again, this time in the door leading to Near's room. The light from behind stretched Matt's bony shadow out and blocked his face, making him look taller and mysterious, more mysterious than he would ever be.

"Come in if you wish," Near called out. Matt obliged.

"I'm leaving in a week. Roger's got it all sorted out," Matt said. Near nodded, the older boy was fifteen, and that was the customary age orphans left the house at. Soon it would be Near's turn, but he didn't really like to think about that. That and the Kira case, which he was already looking in on.

"So I've heard," Near answered. "Are you planning to go anywhere in particular?"

Matt shrugged, plopping himself down on Near's carefully made white sheets that still smelled like detergent. "Not really. Just anywhere. Y'know, as long as it's away. Anywhere at all. A world a possibilities."

Near imagined a big wide world with neon signs advertising "possibilities" and thought that Matt didn't really seem like the possibility type of boy.

"And, um. I just wanted to say sorry...about how I treated you...back then. And I hope you can solve the Kira case," Matt said, goggles blocking off all the emotion his eyes would have shown, but his tone was enough. Near swiveled his black slate eyes to Matt's face.

"There is no need to apologize. You treated me no worse than the next."

All Matt had ever done was look on apologetically while Mello huffed past Near and shot him a perfectly practiced glare, full of malice and annoyance and hate only a child could manage. Near still remembers the two of them crashing down the halls, Mello first, then Matt, laughing like they shared a cotton candy secret and usually with chaos trailing behind. And then Mello would go out and play with other girls and boys and they would argue and argue while Matt went inside and played games.

When Mello first saw Near, he walked straight up to him and said, "I'm Mello," in a tone that was arrogant and bossy and full of the world. Near had only looked up at him and then looked back at his too-easy puzzle, which infuriated Mello. Near wondered if Mello had said the same thing to Matt, and instead of a blank, bored look he got a wondrous one, a curious one. It must have been the beginning of something beautiful.

Near wondered if Matt could go back and change that day- make Mello hate him, detach himself from ever caring about the boy- Near wondered if Matt would do that to save his life. Probably not. Humans loved, and they believed the love was a good thing.

"It's fine," Near repeated. "And thank you." Matt relaxed.

"Well, Near, have a good one," Matt said, and left the room.

Matt was going to die for a sunny-haired child with sky blue eyes and a knowing smirk. Matt was going to die for an angry child who didn't bother to leave with a goodbye. Matt was inevitably going to die for Mello.

Humans were such funny creatures.

The next week, Near saw Matt's figure outside the front door, with a backpack beside him carrying all his worldly possessions, a GameBoy in his hand, a pack of cigarettes hidden in his pocket and an entire world of possibilities waiting in front of him, all with invisible lines leading him to one place in the end. And as Matt waited for the car to take him away, anywhere at all, he looked up and saw his white figure, and he smiled at Near, a big goofy grin that flashed on his face like a firefly passing by.

Near pitied Matt because the other boy loved, and at the same time he wondered if Matt pitied Near for the opposite reason.

finis