Author Note: A dad will go to extreme measures to calm a crying baby

RH

Dirty Pillows

It started with a snot bubble. A bright green mucous bubble that began at the base of his daughter's nose; it would expand and contract, depending on how hard she was crying. Jimmy sighed and gently wiped her wet slimy nose. He glanced at the clock through sleep deprived eyes only to find it was 2:45 a.m.

A knock on the door startled him but not before the door swung open and his mom was standing in the doorway with crossed arms over her ratty pink chenille bathrobe and bare toes on the linoleum.

"Jimmy…honey… she's been crying for hours. Your dad is starting to complain and you know what happens when he…"

Jimmy quickly stopped his mother's rant in its tracks. "Mom, she's cutting a new tooth! It hurts her!"

Virginia ran an impatient hand through her bouncy hair, "I know! I picked her up from daycare early! Jimmy, your father has a new client tomorrow and he needs his sleep. Give her some baby Tylenol and a frozen waffle."

Jimmy tried to wrap his head around the frozen waffle as his mom stomped off only to find Maw Maw slinking around the door jam. The old woman winked and pulled a silver flask from between her breasts. In her gravelly voice she whispered, "Whiskey…rub it on the gums…takes out the pain."

Maw Maw unscrewed the top of the flask and Jimmy smiled reaching for the miracle cure that would ease his daughter's pain. Maw Maw's eyes widened, "Uh uh! This is for me!" She stuck a wrinkled pinkie finger in the mouth of the flask and rubbed whiskey on her own gums and smacked her lips. "Your kid's been keeping me up all night!"

Jimmy closed his eyes as Hope wriggled in his arms and wailed even louder. He patted her back and got up to find the baby Tylenol. Couldn't someone help him with a teething baby? Mom?

RH

Hope was sitting in her high chair chewing happily on a frozen Eggo waffle while Virginia was scrambling eggs. She looked up as Jimmy yawned and sat on a kitchen chair next to his daughter. Virginia smirked, "Waffles…works every time. You need to listen to your ma once in a while."

Burt came out of the bedroom pulling a company tee shirt over his head. He grinned at his family, "This is the big day! Jimmy, I'd appreciate it if you could help me out with the pool. I want to make a good impression on the client."

Jimmy thought about the "almost date" he had with Sabrina – well that was BEFORE Wyatt called and invited her to spend the weekend. What else did a single dad have to look forward to? "Sure dad, who's the client."

Burt's chest expanded with pride. "It's the Barre house. You know that one they sold for 500 grand? It's got two pools and a Jacuzzi?"

Virginia put a plate of toast on the table, "Ooohhh, sounds fancy. What does the husband do?"

Burt's eyes widened – he was really hoping to skip over this part. "Uh…hmmm… Candace and her husband are divorcing. She's keeping the house."

Virginia looked impressed. "Nice." She tapped a yellow painted fingernail against her lips and had and "aha" moment. "I remember that place! It has five bathrooms….ask me; I've cleaned every damn one of them"

Hope looked up from her high chair and shouted, "Damn!" Jimmy looked embarrassed. "Hope, sweetie…we don't say swear words until you're 8 years old okay?"

Jimmy turned to his dad just as a spit covered waffle piece landed on his left cheek. The little girl started chortling.

"Thanks Hope." He muttered. "Dad, if you can get mom to watch her granddaughter…" he dared to glance at his mother, "I'd be glad to help you out."

Virginia rolled her eyes. "Of course I'll watch Hope…just not all day. Burt, you make sure Jimmy just does this one yard and then send him home."

Father and son looked at the blonde matriarch and both replied, "Yes ma'am."

Virginia leaned down to her grandchild and wiped some spittle from the tiny chin. "See Hope….that's how you talk to men."

RH

Jimmy was impressed at the size of the Barre family estate. He'd helped his dad do lawn work before, but those houses never had two pools and a humongous Jacuzzi! The bushes surrounding the fence had been sculpted into the shapes of zoo animals and Jimmy had to admit that someone more talented than Burt Chance crafted those hedges!

With the weed eater in one hand and the leaf blower in the other, Jimmy trudged along the star shaped stepping stones to the backyard. He could feel a bead of sweat trickling down between his shoulder blades – another hot day! Not exactly paying attention to where he was going, Jimmy tripped and landed face first into a pair of the largest breasts he had ever seen!

The weed eater clattered to the ground and the leaf blower landed with a clunk as Jimmy mumbled, "Oh God, I'm so sorry."

A pair of soft hands lifted his face by his cheeks. Long auburn hair and bright pink lips adorned the most beautiful face he'd ever laid eyes on.. Okay, well on an older woman- that was not his mom!

"It's okay honey, I should have warned you about that last step." She said in a sultry voice.

Jimmy fell back on his heels and looked at the white wraparound sunglasses and then he saw the hot pink bikini that barely covered the most perfect body he'd ever seen. On a woman that was NOT his mom! She could have been as old as Virginia Chance but she sure didn't look like her!

"Um….hi. I'm Jimmy." He held out his hand and she shook it while sitting up and turning to the side of the lounge chair. "Nice to meet you…Jimmy."

Jimmy cringed when he heard his dad driving the mower through the gate. "Yeah, uh…that's my dad. I'm helping him clean the pool."

Miss Auburn Hair smiled. "Oh, you're Burt's little boy." She gave him a look up and down and grinned. "But you're not so little are you Jimmy?"

Jimmy could feel his face turning red. How could he introduce himself as Jimmy? He should have gone with James or Jim – that sounded more mature.

"Jimmy!" his dad shouted over the road of the mower engine.. "Glad to see you met the client!" The pink bikini beauty stood up and Jimmy noticed her sparkling pink stilettos. He gulped. Sexy shoes!

"Burt!" she exclaimed. "I'm so glad you could come at such short notice." She turned to Jimmy. "I dropped my diamond tennis bracelet and I think it's down by the filter." She looked at Jimmy and added, "Could you swim down there and get it for me?"

Burt clapped his son on the back. "Sure he can. Jimmy's like a fish! Get down there boy and get that jewelry!"

Jimmy pulled his shirt over his head and kicked off his shoes. He gave his dad and "thanks a lot" glare and dove in the sparkling blue water.

Weightless.

Jimmy moved his arms slowly through the slightly chlorinated water and drifted lazily down towards the filter. He could see the diamond bracelet sparkling and winking at him in the slanted sunlight. As he neared the bottom of the pool, he could see the clasp was hooked on the grate. The breath he was holding was nearly depleted so using his legs; he shot up through the depths for a fresh gulp of air.

What was dad doing? Was he flirting? Was that a pink lipstick kiss on his face?

Back down to the bottom of the pool, Jimmy grabbed the diamond bangle and yanked hard. Pieces of the gold clasp floated through the pool water around his face as he plunged sideways towards the shallow end of the pool

"I remember that movie!" Burt laughed. "I had to sneak into a matinee and pay the usher a couple of bucks but it was totally worth it. That was you?"

Miss Barre smiled. "Well, in my younger years. I started out as a stand-n an eventually a nice producer saw I had assets that could be used in other ways." Burt's eyes went to her chest like a beacon. He swallowed hard. Those had to be the biggest water balloons he'd ever seen! What would Virginia look like in a DD+ cup? Wait – don't go there!

He laughed uncomfortably and almost sighed with relief as his soaking wet partner climbed out of the pool with the jewelry. "Jimmy! Thank God! So glad…you found that bracelet."

He turned to Mrs. Barre. "If you'll excuse us we have some yard work to do." He dropped the wet diamonds into her palm.

Candace waved her fingers, "Hope you don't mind if I watch…I like to see what I'm paying for."

Jimmy felt, oddly enough, like a paid escort at that moment. Miss Auburn was going to watch him do yard work? She was going to see his wet shorts for sure!

As if she knew what he was thinking, Candace leaned forward. "So little Jimmy is like an Oscar Mayer when dry…but like a Vienna sausage when wet?" She teased, but Jimmy couldn't understand.

How was bologna and the little beanie weanies the same thing….OH!

Walking backwards, Jimmy laughed awkwardly, "Yeah…ah…so I'm gonna get to work on those weeds by the fence." He waved and quickly grabbed his gear, nearly running in his haste to get away from his dad and the beautiful woman.

RH