It started with Emily

Maybe it's her warm brown eyes that put me at ease, they make it seem like everything is going to be alright, and I can't help but fall victim to her. Maybe it's the way she looks at me; it's special, because I'm special to her. The only time I feel seen is when she looks at me, because she knows me. That worn out expression that says you can get lost in someone's eyes is finally making sense, except she's not just someone, she's everything. She gives me strength, hope, and every other stupid cliché you can think of with just a glace in my direction. But I can't do anything, because everything is so fucked up around me, so broken.

We're not really friends, but we're not really strangers. We just are, and it's killing me, because I can't help but wonder about how easy it use to be. Sleepovers and the late night conversations are nothing but distant memories, but it's what I cling to, because even if they're just memories, they're all I have these days. My heart is on fire every time I see her. She gives me a warm smile, and a soft wave, and instead of actually doing something I just smile back. I'm not brave, well, not brave enough yet. So we both do this dance, she smiles, and I smile back, we're friendly, but it's just not enough anymore.

Her smile. I haven't seen her smile in a long time, her real smile, the one she reserved for me. The one that could make angels cry, the one that conveyed her love, her passion, the smile that was just breathtakingly hers. That smile hasn't been seen since everything fell apart. I wonder if I'm the only one that's noticed that her smile has disappeared. I hope to God that somewhere beneath the shy exterior that smile still lingers, because that smile should never disappear. I lay awake, thinking, brooding, contemplating a way to get her back, not that she was ever mine. Still, I want her back, her friendship, her love, her eyes, her smile; I just want it all back. So I just lay on my bed, and think of a way to talk to her, I need an excuse to talk to her. I do this every night, I stay up and just wonder what to say to her, what to tell her. Hey, I'm in love with you; but I know you don't feel the same way. It's ok thought, I just want to go back to the way things were? I roll my eyes at the suggestion of it.

I know I'm not the brightest person in the world, I'm not the straight A student that Spencer is, but I'm not a complete moron either. A moron wouldn't have everyone fooled; a moron wouldn't have the power to walk down the aisles at school and have everyone step aside. There are a lot of things wrong with me, things that would make me undesirable to someone as amazing as her. Sometimes I think that I don't even deserve to say her name, because someone like me isn't worthy of someone like her. I may steal things here and there, but it only started a year ago. A year to a teenager is a lifetime, and even though everything is the same, it's very, very different. My friends are gone, I'm stealing, I'm nothing more than her petty replacement, so that's different. She's still missing, she's still in the back of my mind, and she's still haunting me so that's the same, but what's still painfully the same is my feelings towards her. I make a decision tonight; I'm going to do something, something to let her know that she still means the world to me.

It's suddenly morning, and I realize what today might bring, the pain it could bring, but then I think of that smile, and those eyes, and I get hope. So I do the only thing I know I'm the best at, pick something amazing to wear, because if I'm going to do this, then I'm going to do it right. Thinking that there has to be more, there just has to be something more than this.

I feel something, something I haven't felt in a while; it's a rush, a beautiful rush. Realizing that the reason for the rush is because I'm standing across from her, after a year, I'm walking towards her. Standing in front of her, I can't say anything, I can't do anything, and instead of saying something I just stand there. Looking at her, really looking at her, and I finally feel seen, finally feel loved. She's beautiful, as always; her hair pulled back, showing off her delicate features. Her eyes, her lips, just everything about her, and I get lost. She looks at me and gives me a smile. She looks confused, rightly so, because I'm still just standing there, lost in a moment. After what seems like a lifetime I clear my throat, and with a shaky breath I finally speak.

"Hey…" It comes out so pathetic, and so utterly broken, hoping she didn't pick on the weakness of my voice. I smile, hoping she see's pass the broken mess I've become. Hoping that she see's me. Hoping she sees the girl I use to be, the one she use to love. She smiles, and I can't do anything but smile back, because after a year I see her smile. Feeling hope rising up, feeling confident enough to know that this, right here, this is a start. A start, everything else might be going to hell, but this feeling between me and her can't be wrong, and I relish it. I say one thing, the one thing that I can come up with. It comes out as a whisper, but I hope she hears me, hears past the simple meaning.

Then I hear her reply, and I know that I won't regret this, I won't regret everything that happens from now on. "I miss you too Hanna." I say her name, because it's the only thing I can say right now, because she's the only thing that matters right now. I can't turn back the hands of time, but I can make up for lost time.

"Emily…" it comes out as a whisper, and I know nothing has really changed, but in the back of my mind, I feel everything changing. In the corner of my eye, I see my second in command, and I could care less. That façade that I've created can go to hell, because right in front of me is something more important than that. Being the 'it' girl doesn't matter because right in front of me is the beginning of a friendship, and hopefully something more.