Disclaimer: I do not own HP. But Ms. Rowling does and we're tight. (This is lies).

AN: So CLEARLY the idea is based on the episode "Graveyard Shift" from spongebob. I own nothing. I just like giggling at ridiculous things…

Does not /have/ to be slash but it can be perceived that way if you like. . . My original intention was slash but then it just turned into a parody/comedy thing. . .

The Hash-Slinging Slasher

The brave and noble Gryffindor's were gathered 'round the fire in the common room enjoying the sounds of the storm outside that had just begun waging war against the castle. It was Halloween night and after a long tiring day at Hogsmeade, and the always glorious Halloween feast these young witches and wizards were enjoying some lethargy.

"Did anyone ever hear the story of The Hash-Slinging Slasher?" Fred asked the group. A collective murmur of "no's" and shakes of the head was his answer.

"You've never heard it?" George clarified.

"You're in for it now." Fred stood in front of the fire while George knelt beside him; their twin silhouettes creating eerie shadows on the wall.

"Our story begins on a dark night much like tonight." Fred began.

"It was Halloween here at Hogwarts." George continued.

"The feast was ended and all the students went to their houses to settle in for well needed slumber."

"But the Hash-Slinging Slasher had other plans."

"He was a fry cook in the kitchens here at Hogwarts."

"And one day he was slicing potatoes when he slipped and cut off his own hand!"

"And Madame Pomfrey couldn't fix it!"

"So he replaced it with a rusty spatula."

"And then he was hit by the Knight bus!"

"And at his funeral they fired him!"

"So now every Halloween he returns to Hogwarts to wreak his horrible vengeance."

"Picking off ickle firsties." George smirked.

"And students not in N.E.W.T. level."

"There are three signs of the Hash-Slinging Slasher."

"The lights will flicker."

"The bell will ring."

"And he'll arrive on the Knight Bus."

"Then he taps on the window with his grizzly spatula hand,"

"then he opens the door," Fred added a dramatic squeak at this point,

"he slowly approaches his victim and then -"

"He GETS YOU!" The twins shouted in unison.

A loud crack of lightening lit the sky and Neville jumped slightly.

"That was the worst story I've ever heard." Hermione said.

"Scared 'mione?" Ron teased.

"'course not. It was simply preposterous. Why would they fire him at his funeral?"

"And how did the Knight Bus hit him?" Ron asked.

"Have you seen how Ernie drives that thing?" Harry smirked. "But why would he murder students? Shouldn't he just seek his revenge on the person who fired him?"

"Moreover, house elves work in the kitchen. So why would there be a fry cook down there?" Seamus added.

"They don't believe us Fred."

"What a pity George. Well, it's their funeral."

"Yup."

"That was lame even for you two." Ginny said. "You used to have actual scary stories."

"Must be losing their touch." Lee said, who seemed slightly crestfallen that his partners-in-crime didn't live up to their usual story scares.

"Guess we have lost our touch Georgie."

George let out a long theatrical sigh. "Who would have thought we'd have hit our prime so early?"

"Who opened a window?" Neville asked.

Everyone turned to the very closed window, "It's closed Neville." Lee said.

"Then why are the lights flickering?" the candles sputtered: dim, light, dim, light.

"Oh you're all being ridiculous. It's a castle, there are drafts." Harry rolled his eyes.

The candles went out completely before relighting.

"Fred! George!" Hermione scolded.

"It's not us." They said in unison.

"Where are your wands?" Hermione demanded.

"Mine's on the table." George said, pointing to his wand a foot away.

"Mine's in my coat pocket in the dorm. I forgot it in there when we came back from Hogsmeade." Fred said.

"It really isn't them." Harry said.

A loud ringing filled the common room suddenly; causing several people to jump.

"Is that the bell for classes?" Hermione asked.

"'mione, I know you're a genius and everything but it's Saturday. Why would the bell ring on a Saturday night?" Ron asked.

"Hence my confusion Ronald."

"Guys, the stupid story. The bell will ring for no reason." Harry said in a would-be-spooky voice. "It's obviously Fred and George messing about."

"We're sitting right here ya know." George said indignantly.

"We can hear you." Fred added.

"Plus, we've established they're not near their wands." Lee said, sticking up for the twins.

"But Harry, in Hogwarts, a History, it says that the headmaster's spell controls the bell. Fred and George couldn't have duped a Dumbledore invention." Hermione argued.

"But if the bell was installed when the school was established it wouldn't be a Dumbledore invention." Ginny said.

"Even he's not that old." Ron agreed.

"So they could have duped it." Harry seemed satisfied.

"Such little faith in us." Fred said, his tone one of mock hurt.

"Uh, guys…" Neville was pointing down to the grounds.

"It's the Knight Bus." Dean said with a shrug.

"The story!" Ron said, "He rides the Knight Bus and extracts his revenge!"

"That's - that's all three signs!" Neville stuttered.

A bright zigzag of light filled the sky and thunder cracked around the turrets causing all the brave young Gryffindors to grab the person nearest them and scream in panic.

The candles flickered out and the dying embers of the fire barely lit the hearth. There was grating knock on the window and a large silhouette was barely visible but one thing was clear, where the left hand should have been was a ghostly spatula.

Lavender shrieked and grabbed Parvati in a panic and they ran toward the girls dormitory. The remaining girls started screaming as well and followed suit. The boys remained resolute, along with Ginny and Hermione.

"What do you want?" Fred asked the apparition.

"You told my misery, now I want you to be miserable too!" the apparition said.

"No! Don't hurt us! We're sorry!" George begged.

"You're not sorry now. But you will be soon." the spatula gleamed in the dim light.

Harry knew that voice. It was altered slightly but he knew that voice. Wait a minute… "Sirius?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." The apparition said, "I am the Hash-Slinging Slasher! And I'm here for your soul!"

There was suddenly smoke and a large maniacal figure brandishing the spatula. The group of first year boys had dissolved into tears. The upperclassman had also given up their fake attempt at bravado (and most nonessential Gryffindors had fled to their dormitories).

"Fools, you cannot hide." the ghost laughed.

"This is ridiculous!" Hermione stood up (she had been crouched behind the table). "Lumos solem!" Light as bright as the sun lit the common room.

"Ahh, okay Hermione geez." the "apparition" was hunched over, shielding his eyes.

"Sirius! God, I knew it was you!" Harry cried indignantly pulling himself away from Ron - he would deny later ever having cowered.

"What are you doing here?" Ron asked.

Sirius was laughing hysterically, as were Fred, George and Lee.

"The twins here asked me to help them out. I took some polyjuice and became Fred -"

"George -"

"And went on the Knight Bus. Came here. Lee levitated me through the window -"

"Almost dropped him!"

"And voila! A true prank!"

Harry shook his head, "You're unbelievable! Worse than they are!" he pointed to the grinning twins.

"Well it was our idea."

"I best get back to the order though. Mind if I borrow your floo? Good to see you Harry." and just like that Sirius was gone.

"This is the most elaborate prank I've ever seen." Ron said - slightly awed.

"But not even that good." Ginny added.

"Says the girl hugging Hermione and hiding behind a table." Fred smirked.

"Besides we mostly did it to distract everyone from the real problems of the world."

Harry smirked, it was lame and stupid and he loved them for it.

"Thanks guys."

"I'm going to bed." Hermione said with a huff and a roll of her eyes.

"Same." Ginny added. "Night everyone."

The remaining students went off to bed. Harry got into his bed, still thinking about the elaborate nature of the dumb, hardly even scary prank when a crack of lightening illuminated the shadows on the walls. The grotesque images that came into Harry's head had him wanting to jump over into Ron's bed for protection but he remained calm; it was just a stupid story.

Not real. Not real. Not real. The mantra resounded in his head.

A figure loomed over his bed. Not real! Approached the hangings. Not real! A hand reached for him -

His scream caught in his throat.

"Harry?" it was Ron, "Er, can I sleep with you?"

Harry sighed, nodding eagerly. "Stupid prank." Ron muttered.

Harry smiled, closing his eyes and feeling completely safe.

Another rumble of thunder, a second figure.

"Harry, can I sleep with you?"

"Uh, sure Neville."

"This bed's kind of crowded with three." Ron commented.

"Oh, hi Ron." Neville said.

Another crack.

"Uh, Harry?"

Harry looked at the four sleeping boys in his bed and sighed. Well thank Wizard God for extension charms. Harry laid down between Ron and Neville, and drifted off to sleep.

The five boys woke up to a bright, sunny, 1st of November. They looked at each other then shyly away.

"Let's never talk about this again." Seamus said.

"Agreed."

Harry looked at Ron who smiled his lazy early morning grin. "Who's hungry?"