Leen says: The style of this installment is rather different
from the first two (who were already different to begin with). It's less
angry. Oh no, I'm mellowing… -.-
******
Part 3
I thought it was quite an accomplishment on my part that nearly a week after the incident in the lockers I was still alive and in one piece. Not so much that I thought Sakuragi would come after me screaming bloody murder, but that I had enough control leftover to not attack myself with various sharp objects.
But I hadn't gone to school, because going there could mean he'd possibly see me. It's not like I knew whether he had been going to school, but one could never be sure.
There were a number of reasons I did not want him to see me. For starters, I didn't know how to act in front of him. Secondly, I was still in shame override and seeing him in the flesh after what I did would probably make me jump off the school roof. Thirdly, and most importantly, I had fucking traumatised him with what I did, and he needed time to recuperate.
So I hid in my room, under my blankets mostly. And I had the phone line disconnected.
One good thing (and it's an extremely minor one considering how fucked up everything was) was that my loin demons seemed to have left me on holiday. Every time I'd start to harden, I would remember what I almost did to the do'aho, and it'd cause my erection would shrivel up and die.
I wondered if I should've just carved out my spleen with a spoon to give him, so he would forgive me a tiniest bit.
Yes, I had discovered that I did care what he thought.
The do'aho was innocence. He'd never had a girlfriend, nor been kissed, nor even had anyone out right tell him they liked him. And then I, the brilliant hero whom he hated more than anyone else in the world, went and almost raped him.
I wondered whether I should've just chopped off that piece of muscle that was the cause of all this trouble. He would've appreciated that.
Then the doorbell rang. I snuck deeper under the covers, but the doorbell rang again. And again. And again.
I started to feel annoyed, but refused to get up. I sent mental vibes out. Leave me in peace with my suicidal inclinations, you inconsiderate bastard!
That was when the door to my room swung open. I heard determined footsteps approaching my bed, then the descent of a familiar paper fan onto my back.
"GET UP THIS INSTANT, RUKAWA KAEDE!"
It was Ayako. Brilliant.
I refused.
"Get up, Rukawa-kun." This was Miyagi. Double brilliant.
"You had us all worried there," said Ayako. "We contacted your father and he told us some nonsense about you just refusing to get up, and he got the maid to let us in. And you shall get up right now!" The fan hit me again.
I didn't dare move. They most certainly didn't know about what I did, or else they wouldn't act so normal. Not having anything to lose, I asked about Sakuragi's whereabouts.
"Oh, Sakuragi's been feeling ill for the past few days, hasn't gone to school," Miyagi said. "And unlike you, he really is ill."
I shuddered.
"Rukawa?" Ayako asked carefully.
Sakuragi wasn't the ill one, that was me. Me, the mental blockhead with a permanent hard-on. He had just been in the wrong place at the wrong time. The do'aho had no idea what kind of danger he had been in because I had never given him any warning. It was never his fault. It was mine. Mine!
I threw off the covers and ran out the door, not pausing to see whatever shocked expressions were on their faces.
I ran barefoot all the way to his house. Yes, I knew where his house was.
I knocked the door with a shaking hand, wondering whether Sakuragi would answer, or whether he'd be hiding in his room like how I had been. No, not like me, since I was harbouring nothing more than guilt, while he'd be harbouring… goodness knows what thoughts he'd be harbouring.
But he did open the door. And he stared at me.
The first blow came as a surprise because it was so quick, and I landed hard back first on the pavement. For a moment I thought that that would be it and he'd slam the door in my face, but then he grabbed my collar and pulled me up for more physical bashing. Punch. Kick. Jab. I took all of it quietly, even when he slammed my body against the wall so hard I thought my spine would snap.
I was his would-be rapist. I shouldn't have expected anything else.
I finally looked at him, and the pure anger in his eyes just made me want to die.
"You stupid hentai bastard," he snarled, just before grabbing my head and slamming it back against the wall.
Anger was good. It meant that he was alive and not moping pathetically. I had not broken him.
He raised his fist to hit me again in the face when he paused. I was staring at the ground, wondering what had suddenly made him stop, so I looked at him. There was an uncertainty in his face, and he looked as though he was thinking about something.
"Why did you come here?" he asked carefully. "To finish what you started?"
Oh god, just kill me and be done with it. I lowered my head. "I came for this."
"What, you wanted me to beat you up?"
"It'll make you feel better."
"Damn right it will." His fist connected and I crumpled to the ground with a soft thud. Then he stood over me, and gave another savage kick to the stomach. I made a soft 'oof', but no other sounds of protest came out of me.
He walked away to re-enter his house. I got up weakly, leaning back against the outer wall as I struggled against the pain. Seriously, it was good physical pain, but somehow it just didn't match up the mental and emotional ones. I was actually disappointed.
I heard him pause at his doorstep before changing direction and walking back toward me. I braced myself for another onslaught of fists and feet, but it didn't come. He just stood across from me, arms crossed and eyes scowling as he studied me.
I stared at the ground quietly.
Then he said, "You have no right to cry."
What? I raised a hand to my cheek, and to my surprise I found that it had been stained with damp tears. But crying indicates quite a bit of facial contortion, like eyebrows drawing together and eyes scrunching and lips trembling, so it was pretty clear I wasn't crying. It just so happened that my eyes were mass-producing tears. So I shrugged.
"Why. Why did you do it?" he asked.
I shuddered briefly. "I wanted you."
He made no attempt to hide the disgust in his voice when he said, "I bet you say that to all the guys you do, isn't it?"
All the guys that I do?! All that internal anger that had, for the past few days, been aimed directly at myself suddenly changed course. Did he think that was all it was? That I was a horny bastard who'd fuck anything that happened to be within the same vicinity as my screaming libido?
With a shock I realised that he still didn't understand what had happened.
So I looked at him, my eyes insanely wide as they locked on his. And I laughed. And laughed and laughed. You know that creepy sort of laughter associated with psychopaths and padded walls? This was that sort. Only it was much worse, because I am Rukawa Kaede, and I never laughed.
I stopped laughing abruptly, and charged my insane gaze directly into his surprised one. "What do other guys have in comparison to you? Have you looked in a mirror?"
He stared at me.
So the ignorant prick still hadn't understood. I snarled at him. "I look at you and I get so hard I go insane. Nothing matters except you, and your body, and how much mine wants it. It was always about you. You, you and you." I laughed again.
The same look of shock and horror reappeared in his eyes, although this time there wasn't as much fear. Then slowly but surely little specks of realisation crept over his face, registering that in that current scenario it was he who had the upper hand, not me. Although just to be safe, he backed away a bit.
"What are you talking about?" he asked. His eyes moved downward and caught my erection. He let out a small gasp.
"I wanted to ruin you, because you had somehow ruined me without even touching me. I wanted you so bad I couldn't think about anything else." I felt like adding that in a twisted way it was my revenge for what he'd done to me, even if he had never realised what he'd been doing. You own me. You always have.
He fell silent as I tried to shuffle away. His scent was stifling. But instead he took a step closer, still staring at me intently. I clawed at the wall desperately as my loins tightened further. I'd almost forgotten what his presence could do to me.
"What are you thinking about now?" he asked.
"How much I want to fuck you senseless," I whispered, backing away in a panic. My body started shivering again.
His eyes widened. "Is it… that bad?"
I managed a jerky nod.
Sakuragi was quiet for a moment, then he spoke. "But you didn't."
Didn't what?
"You didn't… didn't… do it…" I opened my eyes to look at him. He was gesturing wildly with his hands, and the expression on his face indicated that even he wasn't sure what he was talking about, or why he was saying it at all. "You could have, but you didn't. You say you want… all that… but… you didn't…" He held my gaze steadily. "Why?"
I told him the truth. "I don't know."
Sakuragi glanced at my erection again. I gritted my teeth as a I forced myself to look away, limbs trembling. I would not succumb again. I would not. Then Sakuragi asked, "What's stopping you now?"
"How much I hate myself."
"I hate you, too," Sakuragi told me matter-of-factly. "But I have a feeling you hate yourself more." That observation took me completely by surprise. What happened to over-emotional over-reacting do'aho I had known for so long? I wondered whether there really was a working brain inside that thick skull of his. Maybe he only used it after heavy experiences.
"I am a monster," I said.
"Could have been. Could have been a monster." Sakuragi's face, although still focused in an intense glare, softened an extremely tiny bit.
After what I had done to him I thought I would never ever ever know what it felt like to be relieved, or minutely happy even. I looked at him in surprise as my chest started to hitch uncontrollably. It looked like I wouldn't have to jump off the school roof after all.
His simple brain had finally seemed to grasp the basics of the situation. His eyes were still drowning in anger and hatred, but then I saw what was preventing him from further breaking my arms or throwing curses at me. It was pity. Goddamned pity. Although he didn't say it aloud, I read it off his posture. "No one owns me. No one controls me. No one can break me, not even you, Rukawa Kaede."
Is it possible to respect someone as innocently idiotic as him?
Those few words he said to me, they made me feel less like the animal I had clearly pictured myself to be, which was a change, to put it mildly. I left for home feeling slightly at peace with myself than I had been in months. It had finally been made clear that I'd never own Sakuragi, and it was pointless to hate him for having the most delectable body ever designed. And he would try to forgive me, and I'd try to forgive myself, and we would all go on our merry way.
So it was back to square one. Me, lusting quietly after the do'aho, while he got up to his usual antics. Nothing had changed.
At least, that's what I thought at the time.
Some weeks afterward, Sakuragi came up to me and told me he wanted to 'help' me. I thought I had been hallucinating again. Sakuragi? Wanting to 'help me release some of my pent-up lusts'? I told him he was stupid, but he blinked at me with those ridiculously innocent eyes as he blushed round his nose, and said that although he still hated me for what I did, he'd been starting to get distracted by my presence. And he'd also been having quite a number of wet dreams starring me.
I stared at him, disbelieving. You just don't get everything you want on a silver platter. Not that easily. Not after what I almost did.
So he made it clear. He was a guy, after all, only human. And it would only be some mutual masturbation, nothing really major. And basically (he just had to rub in it, didn't he, the horrible do'aho) that I could 'make up' for what I did. But it wouldn't really mean anything. Our daily lives would go on as normal, no one had to know, and we'd both be able to concentrate better in school and in basketball.
What started out as hand-jobs eventually turned to blow-jobs which eventually
turned to heavy petting.
And so here I am, two months after the locker incident, in my room, having mind-blowing sex for the first time with the most fuckable being on earth.
I look at him now as I drive into him. He's just so unbelievably tight, hot, wet and eager, and yet I keep my sanity. I think it's because he's giving himself to me of his own free will and I don't want to lose what I have with him just yet.
"More…" he pants, parting his legs to allow me more access.
I rub his sweat-slicked back as I comply.
Technically I appear to be in charge, but I'm not. Not by a long shot.
He wriggles as he tosses his head in blind pleasure, eyes scrunched shut. I am just about ready to explode myself, but I keep my eyes locked on him. It still thrills me to know that no one has seen this side of him. Only me. I wouldn't miss any of it.
He makes such wonderful sounds during sex. A little chorus of gasps, grunts and moans, and then a lovely desperate scream that drops into breathless gasps. I savour every second of it, even as I bare my teeth to the air in my own silent scream.
It's way better than anything I had imagined. And I'm proud to say that I do not hurt him or draw blood in any way. I feel almost human.
We collapse onto the bed, exhausted. I stare into the darkness behind my eyelids as I try to steady my breath.
After a while he starts poking my shoulder. I open my eyes and look at him.
He's grinning at me.
I stare back emotionlessly.
He says, "That was fun. Let's do that again."
Oh great. Even after heart-stopping sex he can still turn me on with a few words.
"Can I be on top this time? Can I can I can I?" Sakuragi asks, bouncing eagerly on the bed. All right, his stamina is an added bonus, but does he have to be so bloody cheerful about it?
I wave in direction of the lubricant, and he practically flies toward it in giddy excitement.
I watch him carefully through fallen bangs as I start to realise something. My body is sated. Yet my soul is not.
Sakuragi still owns me, no matter how much I have tried to resist. His power over me has increased even more since we started this little endeavour of ours, although he still doesn't seem to understand the extent of it. Everything I have, all for you. Always for you. But to him it's just meaningless sex. Admittedly, I had thought that that was all I wanted, too.
As I let him prepare me, I start to feel brand new vestiges of hate flicker within me.
I want to scream at him. Do you have any idea what kind of power you have over me?! But I know just as clearly that I have no right for complaints, since I'm still the Nasty Bastard Who Attacked Him In The Showers. I still haven't forgiven myself for what I almost did, even if he has appeared to. Or maybe he's just too preoccupied with the orgasms.
I can just hear my libido laughing at me. I've got what I want, but not what I need. I think an analogy would be to that poor little rich bastard who had all material wealth and no emotional satisfaction. But at least I can tolerate emptiness and depression better than anger and lust.
So now I have a different craving, and it's for us to change from fuck-partners
to lovers. Am I asking too much? Probably.
~ owari ~
Leen says: Hm. Just realised I did it in such a way that Ru thinks
its
a HanaRu, while Hana thinks its a RuHana. O_o