Title: Beyond Broken Castle Walls

Rating: T

Summary: Nine months ago she gave him up at the behest of his daughter, choosing to break herself in order to free him - as dumb ideas go it's the worst one ever.

Disclaimer: Nothing you recognize is mine.

A/N: This came out of a dream I had where I appeared to be playing the role of Beckett and I was having this exact conversation with Alexis. Not sure what that says about me apart from the fact that I have a Nathan Fillion obsession ( a fact my husband comments on regularly). Anyway it wouldn't go away, so here is the first part of two.

It's been nine months since she last heard his voice anywhere but inside of her own head. In her head he talks to her constantly as her wounded psyche keeps him determinedly with her anyway it can. Sometimes she'll even reply to her mental construct of him out loud, a sure sign she thinks that her grip on reality is slipping.

It took two full months for the initial shock to wear off, time enough for grief to settle into a comfortable numbness that has grown to become an apathy that taints everything. She would say she was miserable, but miserable is at least a feeling, and she doesn't really feel anything at all now, – her self-defense mechanism has always involved shutting 'feeling' down, turning 'feeling' off. Somewhere deep inside she's scared it's a permanent state this time and that she can't come back from it – she doesn't know where her 'on' button is.

Her work is starting to suffer. She's trying, she really is. She works just as hard as she always has, she pushes in just the same way, but she drifts off sometimes when an inner discussion with his voice distracts her and it isn't going unnoticed.

They all see, and that's a problem. She's obviously too thin, she's obviously over-tired, she looks like she'll splinter, crack, fail spectacularly any given moment and in truth she's never been so close to the edge of an abyss in her life.

Rabbit holes she's familiar with – this is different.

Dragging her hands through her hair, she sighs. Her stomach is whining for food it isn't likely to see, she'll appease it with caffeine in lieu as usual, and it's while she's carefully brewing coffee, running her fingers over the espresso machine as if it's a part of him, that the flash of red by her desk manages to draw her eye.

She irrationally fears red hair now.

In this case she's a right to.

Alexis Castle walks nervously into the Homicide department of the12th Precinct, her insides trembling with emotion because she truly has no idea what kind of reception she's going to find here. Nine months have passed since the last time she saw this place, and that previous visit she'd been convinced it would be the last time she ever set foot in a police station.

There is something comforting in that it all looks just the same. She recognizes some of the faces, doesn't know others, after all it's not like she ever spent much time here, even if it used to be her father's second home. Still, downstairs the desk sergeant remembered her and that was enough to get her up to Homicide unannounced – and Alexis is grateful for that, this is going to be hard enough for her as it is.

She was so sure nine months ago that splitting them up was necessary, that it was for the best. And for the first six months in California she keep thinking her father would come around, so it's taken this long for Alexis to recognize the reality of what she accomplished. Her only hope is that when she finds the person she's looking for, everything Alexis caused to happen - can actually be undone.

Recent events in California have left Alexis facing a bitter conclusion - that her father is broken; and Alexis comprehends now that in Detective Kate Beckett lays the only glue.

Kate watches the young woman fidgeting as she stands next to the empty desk with trepidation. The last time they spoke was the beginning of the 'end of everything' for Kate, and she can't, for the life of her think of anything they could possibly have left to say to each other.

She doesn't blame Alexis – well . . . not really. Losing her mother the way she did, Kate appreciates the younger Castle's fierce attachment to the only 'real' parent she has, she understands how the events of almost a year ago were too much for a girl Alexis' age to handle. The girl needed her father out of harms way, and she did what she needed to do in order to accomplish that. Kate doesn't think Alexis meant to break her in the process, but that is the reality and she can't help but resent Alexis - at least a little bit.

Taking a deep breath and clutching her coffee mug like a shield carried into battle, the detective emerges from the break room and greets her unwelcome visitor with forced warmth she does not feel.

"Alexis. What a surprise . . . are you looking for me?"

The sound of the detective's familiar tones sends a spike of adrenaline through Alexis' system. She turns towards Beckett's voice and as her eyes lock on Kate's hazel ones they widen in shock at the older woman's appearance. She looks a lot different; in fact she looks almost ill. Pale and now waif-like thin, there are bruise-like shadows under the detective's eyes telling a haunting tale of how well she's faring in this mess. While guilt burns suddenly in the young woman's chest because of it, it also sparks a hope in her that the solution she's come looking for is possible.

The whole journey here Alexis' biggest fear has been that Kate Beckett has put Richard Castle and their whole 'partnership' behind her. Moved on with her life and her surgeon boyfriend, and never looked back. One glance in Kate's haunted eyes, one look at the fake smile plastered on her beautiful face and Alexis knows nothing could be further from the truth.

The red-head feels tears welling in her eyes as she thanks all deities inwardly, and promptly launches herself at the woman her father loves, wrapping her tightly in hug of contrition.

"I'm so sorry Kate." She sobs against the woman's shoulder. "I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I didn't want . . . . I didn't think, didn't know what would happen to him, what would happen to you – I'm so sorry."

Stunned Kate stands like a statue – unmoving. Part of her brain screaming that she should wrap her arms around Alexis in response, offer some sort of comfort. But she has no comfort to offer, she has nothing, nothing at all . . . then what Alexis has said registers and the dark-haired detective pulls back.

"What's happened to Castle?" She asks sharply, fear . . . like a thousand knife cuts slicing through her heart.

His daughter steps back, releasing Kate awkwardly, "That's what I came to discuss with you Detective Beckett." Alexis says formally, swallowing her tears she wipes her face with her hands, looking suddenly older than eighteen as she asks if there is somewhere a little more private that they can talk freely.

Kate nods. "Interrogation room one is free." She says, turning away with no further comment and leading the way. Alexis follows and steels herself to just tell Kate everything she came all the way from California to say.

Kate closes the door behind them and tells Alexis to sit. The young woman shakes her head and says she prefers to stand, Kate shrugs and sits herself, watching the girl pace for a full minute in silence before Kate stops her with a question.

"Is he okay?" She asks quietly, unable to keep the slight tremble out of her voice.

Alexis shakes her head. "No. I think he's about as far away from okay as it's possible to get detective. And that's why I'm here - because I did this to him – I did it and now I have to undo it and if neither of you forgive me I'll understand but I just can't – with what he did, I just can't not try and fix this now. I thought it would get better, but it isn't and he isn't and I just . . . I didn't know what else to do." She says in a rush.

At least one part of this Kate already knows, it's what happened nine months ago, so she starts there. "I know what you did Alexis, you got me to make him leave. You got me to prey on his fears for my safety, to prey on his feelings of responsibility - that my shooting was his fault. Even though I never blamed him for any of it – I used it against him very deliberately to give you what you demanded – your father back. This much I know – so what else is there?" She says, and though she does try to hide it, the bitterness in her voice comes through.

Alexis swallows. All of this is the truth, the truth her father still does not know, but there is more.

"I wanted you out of our lives Kate." She says gently. "But not because I dislike you, not because I didn't understand why my father is so hopelessly in love with you. You're beautiful and strong and you like him for who he is – not what he is. His fame and his money never mattered to you; you didn't see him as a prize to be won. But his relationship with you, his willingness to lay down his life for you, you were dangerous Kate. You were going to get him killed – I could see it happening. He almost died for you the day you were shot, if he'd been seconds quicker it would have been him – not you. I wasn't willing to lose him . . . I know you understand that." Alexis pleads.

Kate nods miserably. "I let him go Alexis. I let him go thinking I hated him." She says.

"I know." Alexis replies. "But he would have fought you Kate, fought to make it up to you. Getting you to let him go wasn't enough – he had to let go too."

The detective starts to see where this is going.

"So you tried that same tactic on him?" She asks.

Alexis shakes her head. "It wouldn't have worked." She says. "I know my father Kate; I've been able to wrap him around my fingers since I was three years old. He has two weaknesses detective, and both of them are in this room. I'd set you up to exploit one vulnerability, and I went after the other. Me. All his fears for me I used, the trauma of seeing you shot, the death of Captain Montgomery. Fears for his safety, fears for my own safety, fears of being alone at college and therefore an easy target to be used against you both, fears for Gram. Then I told him he was a fool to think you loved him, made him believe he could never be what you need. I dumped all of it on him, played the part of little girl lost to the hilt, and I was good Kate – really good, after all, acting is in my genes. I got him so spun around that he was convinced his first duty was protecting me and that he could only do that if he came to California with me. So when you wanted him gone he didn't try to fight it, he didn't protest that he'd promised you he would always be there. He just caved, gave into his broken heart and gave the two most important people in his life what they both wanted."

Open mouthed Beckett stares at Alexis. "The end of our partnership." She says.

Alexis smiles unhappily, tears again swimming in those blue eyes that aren't quite her fathers, they have the shape, but not the darker more vibrant hue of her sire; God how she misses his eyes Kate thinks, her own eyes drifting closed as she fights back feelings that threaten to overwhelm her. Here then is her 'on' button – Castle.

"He misses you so much." She hears Alexis confess around a sob.

Kate opens her eyes and finds Alexis has finally seated herself the other side of the interrogation room table.

"Why are you here?" Beckett asks her. "So he misses me, so he's sad. Just give it time Alexis and he'll meet someone and forget he ever loved me, he'll move on. I gave him up for you, and it's all I can do."

Alexis reaches across the table and takes Kate's hand in hers, gripping her fingers painfully tight.

"You don't understand." Alexis tells her. "You don't know."

Kate sighs. "I don't know what?"

"He isn't living without you detective – it's as simple as that. Oh he's been trying, and that's why I don't . . . why I refuse to believe it was deliberate." Alexis says vehemently, before she continues trying to school her thoughts and explain, "His doctor put him on anti-depressants five months ago, in an attempt to stabilize his moods and to allow him to write again. He got better for a month or two, and then I think he just stopped taking them . . . "

Kate cuts in; everything Alexis is telling her hurts she does not want to hear anymore. "So take him back to the doctor . . . please Alexis you cannot ask any more of me, I can't fix him for you and then give him up again, I won't. You'll just have to give him more time." She says, getting up and tugging her hand free Kate turns to leave.

"Wait." Alexis pleads behind her. "I don't think he has time Kate, I think everyday he slips further away. He's in a coma Kate, he's gone somewhere in his head and he won't come back and you are my only hope now. Please."

Stunned Kate stops dead, her hand on the door, her entire frame shaking.

"What?" She gasps.

Turning back into the room she asks. "A coma? How?"

"I told you he stopped taking the medication, there wasn't any in his system, and then something happened, I haven't been able to figure out what, but he started taking it again and he took too many, he mixed them with alcohol and when Grams found him he was barely breathing. It's been a month Kate and the doctors keep telling me there is nothing they can do. He's still in there, he's not brain dead because his scans all show neural activity. He just won't wake up and his doctors just say it's because he doesn't want too.

They say he did this to himself deliberately, that he tried to kill himself - and if I let myself think that for a moment I might just go mad because this is my entire fault Kate. I did this to him, because I took him from you. All he ever did was fall in love, and I let him think he destroyed it – when it was me – when it was all me." The young woman collapses out of her chair and onto the floor, and Kate suddenly finds herself capable of movement again. Squatting next to the youngest Castle and pulling her into her embrace, this time it's Alexis who's too lost to return it.

Fear wars with horror in Kate's head. She's a wreck, and yet she can barely imagine his pain and his heartache and how lonely and guilty and disconnected he must have felt for things to get this far. Castle is strong. Strong and fearless and foolhardy and loveable and she can barely breathe at the thought of the man she remembers, the man she desperately loves losing himself so badly in the wake of losing her, of losing them.

Her only possible course is to go and get him back.

She tugs Alexis' face up with a hand beneath her chin, forces the girl to meet her eyes.

"When you asked me nine months ago to let him go, you accused me of not loving him the way he loved me. I didn't fight you on it because I was afraid you were right, that I couldn't give Castle back everything he was prepared to give me if I let him. I didn't fight you because you were his child and your claim on him was right, I was too scared to claim him. Too scared of what that claim might mean."

Alexis nods. "And how about now?" She asks almost fearfully.

"He's my life as much I'm his, and I will never forgo my claim to him again Alexis, not for you, not for anyone." The detective replies, standing.

Alexis manages a smile as she struggles to her feet. "So you'll come back with me?" She asks.

Beckett nods. "Today."