Disclaimer: The Turtles aren't mine. The idea comes from ginnystar's Sherlock- and Watson manuals (on LiveJournal). Also, cred for the final four FAQs should go to micaturtle (on LiveJournal).

RAPHAEL: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

CONGRATULATIONS!

You are now the proud owner of a RAPHAEL! In order to obtain optimum performance from your Ninja Turtle, please follow the procedures detailed in this manual. Please note that this document refers to the two following models of the RAPHAEL unit:

2k3 RAPHAEL (Fox TV, 2003)

CGI RAPHAEL (Imagi Animation Studios, 2007)

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS:

Name: Hamato Raphael (i.e. Raph)

Sex: Male

Manufacturer: Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird, Eastman & Laird Enterprises

Height: Variable (depending on model)

Weight: Variable (depending on model)

Length: 12,5 inches/32 centimetres (NOTE: This measurement is in reference to one of your RAPHAEL's sais.)

ACCESSORIES:

Your RAPHAEL comes equipped with these items:

* Bandana (red) (1)

* Belt (1)

* Elbow pads (2)

* Knee pads (2)

* Sais (2)

* Punching bag (1)

* Target for sai-throwing (1)

INSTALLATION:

A RAPHAEL is an amazing companion in many ways, but don't expect him to throw his arms around you within seconds after emerging from his crate. RAPHAELs are designed to be suspicious and it will take a few days before he feels fully comfortable in his new surroundings. During this time, keep on living like you usually do and wait for him to take the first step.

STORAGE:

Please ensure that your RAPHAEL has constant access to cereal, water, the shower and the garage. He can handle bathroom visit on his own. In fact, trying to help him may very well result in a black eye – and it won't be on your RAPHAEL's face.

Your RAPHAEL requires both discipline (you might have to hire a SPLINTER unit for this in the beginning) and freedom. You may have paid a fortune for him, but you can't treat him like a possession – that will only make him even more uncooperative than he already is and none of you will be any happier. In short, be respectful but consistent and hope for the best.

OPERATING PROCEDURES:

RAPHAEL is an extraordinary ninja, but that is not all he is capable of. He is able to manage dozens – if not hundreds – of different chores and tasks. Here are a few suggestions.

COUNSELLOR:

For your RAPHAEL, everything is right or wrong, black or white, up or down. He always has an opinion and isn't afraid to voice it out loud. When you're wary about what your next course of action should be, ask your RAPHAEL – no matter what it's all about. WARNING: At times, this may become sensitive. We take no responsibility for any destroyed marriages or broken hearts.

PSYCHOLOGIST:

When you're feeling blue, sit down and have a chat with your RAPHAEL. After a few minutes, you'll feel better, knowing that there is at least one person who's in a worse mood than you.

BODYGUARD:

Your RAPHAEL weighs up to 180 lbs/82 kilograms and his muscles are hard enough to bounce a penny off of. The mere sight of him by your side will send all assailants running to their mothers, screaming in fright. WARNING: Some RAPHAELs have trouble judging their own strength. Make sure he doesn't kill anyone by mistake. We take no responsibility for any casualties.

PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER:

Running low on cash? Sign your RAPHAEL up for a wrestling competition and bet your life savings on him. You'll be a millionaire within minutes.

JEHOVA'S WITNESS:

Most people won't let any Jehova's Witnesses through the front door. Are you one? Are you tired of constantly being rejected? Bring your RAPHAEL with you when you go door-knocking, and no one will dare to not let you in. NOTE: This also works very well the other way around – if you aren't a Jehova's Witness and don't want them to come in, either. Place your RAPHAEL in the window next to your door twirling his sais, and any uninvited visitors won't have the guts to even enter your front porch.

PERSONAL DRIVER:

Even without a license, RAPHAEL is a very skilled driver. Lacking both a certain respect for traffic rules and consideration for other people's safety, he will ensure that you reach your destination faster than any professional taxi driver could do it. WARNING: Remember to bring a few sick bags. We take no responsibility for any ruined upholstery.

TROUBLESHOOTING/FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:

Q: My RAPHAEL won't stay away from the garage. He keeps opening the hood of the car and changing the oil.

A: RAPHAELs are naturally interested in anything that has to do with engines. Your best course of action is getting him a "ShellCycle". This special kind of motorcycle costs $3,500/€2,550/£2,200 directly from Eastman & Laird Enterprises, but slightly less if you buy the parts separately and let your RAPHAEL put it together on his own. It's advisable to buy or rent a DONATELLO unit to help him out with this. Don't forget the helmet. NOTE: While a "ShellCycle" will provide entertainment and keep your RAPHAEL occupied for hours, it just might take his attention away from more important tasks. Take this into consideration before deciding to get a "ShellCycle".

Q: My RAPHAEL has gone quiet and walks around with a guilty look on his face. He won't say what's bothering him.

A: Do you own a LEONARDO unit? If so, check if it's missing. If this is the case, your LEONARDO might've been abducted (probably by a few STONE GENERAL units). Despite being highly incompatible units, RAPHAELs and LEONARDOs actually do hold some sort of grudging affection for one another, and your RAPHAEL feels that he is to blame for the LEONARDO's abduction. The best way to tackle this sort of problem is to introduce your RAPHAEL to a DONATELLO, a MICHELANGELO, a SPLINTER, an APRIL and a CASEY. (They can usually be temporarily hired from your local reseller.) Let these units plan a search- and rescue mission together. When the LEONARDO unit is located and brought back home, your RAPHAEL unit will go back to his normal, moody self.

Q: Ever since we came back from our three-week holiday, my RAPHAEL refuses to enter the bathroom.

A: You've got silverfish. Contact your local pest control company.

Q: I have reason to believe that my RAPHAEL disappears all night and is only home during the days, which he spends sleeping.

A: There are two alternate reasons for this kind of behaviour.

a) Check with the owner of a nearby CASEY unit if they have the same problem. If they do, it's probable that the two units have appointed themselves protectors of mankind, and spend their nights fighting "villains". Put a stop to this immediately – the guarantee doesn't cover damages brought on by the units themselves.

b) The same as above, but your RAPHAEL has somehow acquired a set of "armour" and is calling himself "Nightwatcher". To make a difference from alternative A, the "Nightwatcher" will most probably have been seen in public. Since your RAPHAEL is supposed to be a ninja, and therefore discreet, this is a very serious issue. Buy or rent a SPLINTER or LEONARDO unit (or, even better, both of them) to try and put a stop to this behaviour.

Q: My RAPHAEL can't reach the top shelf.

A: You have bought a CGI RAPHAEL. Try to switch it in for a 2k3 RAPHAEL, which is taller. Or get a chair for him to stand on.

Q: My RAPHAEL hogs the TV every time there is a program involving dinosaurs.

A: Try to help your RAPHAEL get in contact with a TRAXIMUS unit. They will have much fun together. WARNING: Don't let your RAPHAEL try to take the TRAXIMUS for a ride on the "ShellCycle". "ShellCycles" are expensive.

Q: I'm going to Greenland for the weekend. Can I bring my RAPHAEL?

A: NO. RAPHAELs are very sensitive to cold and it is extremely inadvisable to bring one to a location so far north (or south). Worst case scenario is that the whole system shuts down. Instead, take your RAPHAEL to a nice guest house for Eastman & Laird Enterprises's different units over the weekend. Don't worry about him feeling lonely, he can handle himself.

Q: My RAPHAEL keeps making puns and jokes, as well as regularly talking to a perceived audience. This is not the type of behavior I expected from this unit. What is wrong?

A: You have accidentally received an outdated model of the RAPHAEL unit, please return it to Eastman & Laird Enterprises to receive a replacement. (The model in question, OT RAPHAEL (Murakami Fred Wolf Films, 1988) is no longer in production.)

Q: My RAPHAEL keeps damaging his optics. I have replaced the eyes on my RAPHAEL several times, but he continually damages the replacements. Is there anything I can do?

A: This is a flaw common among most, if not all, RAPHAEL units. The next time the eye is damaged, provide an eyepatch for the RAPHAEL to wear, and the unit should usually cease destructive behavior towards the remaining eye.

Q: My RAPHAEL unit continually breaks things. How can I stop this?

A: This is normal operating behavior for a RAPHAEL unit. Purchasing a DONATELLO unit will help in repairing the things that are broken. (However, see the following FAQ before purchasing a Donatello unit in order to prevent conflict.) Furthermore, if you own a MICHELANGELO unit, observe his behavior closely to ensure that it is the RAPHAEL unit that is breaking things.

Q: My RAPHAEL is overly-aggressive and combative towards my DONATELLO unit. What should I do?

A: If this is the case, you have most likely bought both a CGI DONATELLO and a CGI RAPHAEL. These units are highly incompatible unless there is a LEONARDO unit in the household. Please purchase a LEONARDO unit (any model) to remedy this.

We hope your RAPHAEL will bring much joy to your household and make life easier for you!

© Eastman & Laird Enterprises

Please feel free to check out the user manuals for the other NINJA TURTLEs at my profile! :)