Disclaimer: I am a poor starving artist, I own none of this. I may dream about it, but I don't.

Rated PG for: Very odd humor.

AN: This idea came up in class one day while we were working on essays. (My friends are just as weird as me) But…I decided since I could type this for the pure enjoyment AND for a grade, then that was a pretty good idea. (Hence, the 'no swearing' policy.) It's strange, and it will most likely scare you into a coma, but I thought it was an interesting question. Who would win in an ultimate match…? ^_^

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Harry Potter VS Lord of the Rings, the ULTIMATE Match

(With a funny little twist from 'The Subtle Knife')

Tickets available now! Or something…

Match Announcer #1: It has been debated for years…

Announcer #2: Since 1997, when the Harry Potter books came out to be exact…

Announcer #1: People over the world have argued over which fantasy series is better, Harry Potter or…

Announcer #2: Lord of the Rings.

Announcer #3: Today we have set up-

Announcer: #1: AHEM. My turn. Today we have set up a number of matches for your viewing pleasure to decide once and for all, which series is truly better. Harry Potter or…

Announcer #2: My lines are so short, that's not fair.

Announcer #1: *smiling* Lord of the Rings!

Harry Potter awoke in the middle of the night from dreams of Quidditch, (That's usually the only thing he ever dreams about) and yawned. His stomach rumbled, and he climbed out of be, donning the Invisibility Cloak, and slipping downstairs to the kitchens. As he entered, Dobby ran up, saying hello's.

"It is most fortunate that you is here Mr. Potter sir!" He squeaked, leading Harry to the center of the kitchen, where most of the house elves were already gathered.

"It's like a hole in the air Mr. Potter!" One informed him as Harry neared what appeared to be a gash in the air.

"Well, we had better go see what's on the other side." Harry decided, (You would think that he would have learned his lesson by now) stepping through the hole (after securely fastening the Invisibility Cloak) with Dobby trotting behind.

As he stepped into the world, Harry looked around at the mountains off in the distance and the trees surrounding him. Seeing nobody around he pulled off the Invisibility Cloak.

"What? You have the Ring?"

Harry whirled around looking for the source of the voice. Standing in front of him was a short person not wearing any shoes, which showed of his unusually large and hairy feet.

"Ring? What Ring?"

But the short person was not listening, and instead pulled a chain out of his shirt with a ring attached. "How did you turn invisible?"

"I have an Invisibility Cloak," Harry told him, holding up the cloak for him to see.

"Do you work for Sauron?"

Harry was completely bewildered. "Sauron? Who's that?"

Harry found himself being stared at for a minute, before the short person breathed a sigh of relief. "I don't think you're acting."

Harry was getting nervous. "Who are you?"

"Mr. Underhill."

"I'm Harry Potter."

"What a strange name."

"I don't mean to be rude, but, what are you, and where am I?" Harry asked, looking around.

"I am a halfling, or as we like to ourselves, hobbits, and you are in Middle Earth or, to be exact, Lorien, for your information."

"Oh." Harry sighed inwardly. That was helpful. He thought sarcastically.

"What? Ahh! Gollum and his cousins are trying to attack me!" The hobbit yelled, jumping behind a nearby rock.

"Relax, they're just house elves. Who's Gollum?"

"Those are elves?" Mr. Underhill peeked over the rock.

"Yeah, haven't you heard of those?"

Mr. Underhill laughed. "Well, DUH, we are in Lorien, an elf haven. Of course I've heard of elves! Just not ones that look that funny."

"We is not as funny looking as your elves is sir!" Dobby squeaked indignantly.

Match #1: House Elves vs. The Elves

Match Announcer #1: In corner number one, we have the house elves from Harry Potter's world! At a height of about three feet or so, and probably not weighing more then fifty pounds. The Challengers!

And, in corner number two, we have the elves of Middle Earth! At varying heights, but around six feet, and not usually not weighing too much more then a hundred pounds, dang they're skinny, The Champions!

No hitting below the belt, let's keep this match clean! Alright? Let the match, BEGIN!

In the blink of an eye, an enormous amount of elves stepped out of the trees, their bows fitted with arrows.

"Those is elves?" Dobby gaped, wide eyed. (Isn't he always wide eyed?)

"Those are elves? They certainly don't appear to be elves." One spoke up, carefully aiming his arrow at Dobby, the perpetrator.

"We is!" Dobby insisted.

"What can you do? Where do you live?" A different elf asked, her arrow aimed at the crowd, in case another house elf dared insult them.

"We can protect our masters!" One piped up.

"We lives with our masters." Another said.

"Who is your master?" The first elf asked.

"Professor Dumbledore!" A rather bold house elf spoke up.

"And this is the Dumbledore you speak of?" Another elf from the crowd motioned to Harry.

"No, that is Mr. Harry Potter, you cannot harm Mr. Potter sir either." Dobby shook his head, his long ears flapping.

"Really?" Once again the first elf to speak, was speaking (Yeah, I know, WDF? (What da foo?) and changed his aim, before he could be stopped, he let go of the arrow. Dobby gasped and a small explosion of sparks took place. When the smoke cleared, Legolas was holding a charred arrow, which was inches from Harry's face.

"Olidin you had no right to do that." He said quietly and seriously.

"I was just curious of their powers, as they claim to be elves." Olidin shrugged, fitting another arrow in his bow. Dobby was bristling.

"That will not be necessary. Put down your bows." Galadriel ordered from the back of the crowd.

All elves, even if reluctantly, lowered their bows and bowed their heads, as Galadriel walked through the ranks of elves.

"Legolas," she pointed and he obediently walked back among the other elves. "I am curious of these strange visitors to my home, who are even more curious then the Hobbits." She said.

"There was a cut in the air that you could walk through and-"

"Silence Harry Potter."

Harry clamped his mouth shut. How did she know his name?

"Explanations can be saved for the future. Come and rest."

The house elves, with the exception of Dobby squeaked in protest. "We will not sit on while work is done for us!"

Galadriel waved her hand. "Nonsense. You will rest, and wait until morning to take your journey back."

Harry would have said something, but he was still too shocked by the fact that the Elf Queen knew his name.

"Come along." She ushered the house elves towards the city, who were still murmuring protests, and turned to Harry. "Mr. Potter, come on, you must be weary after your travels."

Harry shook his head. How could he have been so stupid? Everybody in his world knew his name after all! It shouldn't have shocked him at all!

"I'm sorry, but you see-"

"When I say silence Harry Potter, I mean it. You should very well listen to me, I am an Elf Queen with a thousand archers who would shoot an arrow through your throat if you displeased me! And who are you? Just a stupid little boy who managed not to die when getting attacked by some 'wizard'." She laughed and continued, "Why, I have met trees more powerful then he! What about Sauron? If he wanted you dead, you would have been! Voldemort destroyed families, and Sauron nearly destroyed Middle Earth! Think about that! I managed to live through this! Could you? I don't think so! Bring it!"

Harry stood there, absolutely stunned. It didn't help, that during her speech, her voice had gotten a weird evil tone to it, and a freakish white-green light was shining behind her. "Uh…"

She shook her head. "Please excuse me. I've had too much Pepsi."

At that moment three things happened simultaneously.

"Oh hello Gandalf! I was hoping you would show up old boy!"

"There's Pepsi in this place as well? Wicked!" Ron's voice sounded nearby as he and Hermione crawled through the gap in the air.

"Harry don't go to other worlds without the proper protection, have you no common sense?" Hermione scolded.

Because the three voices had all run together (since they were at the same time) Harry didn't catch a word of anything and shook his head.

"Uh…" He said again.

"You're probably wondering how we got through the hole." Ron grinned. "Well, it was quite simple really-"

"Ronald Weasly."

Ron tumbled over turning white as a sheet. Hermione helped him to his feet.

"Who are you?"

"There will be time for the that later, Hermione Granger." Galadriel's infinite patience was wearing thin.

"Let's go."

"Shouldn't we put up caution tape or something so we can find our way back?" Ron asked, having regained his composure.

"My archers will not forget."

"Yes ma'am of course not."

"Go then, that way."

The six of them walked towards the city, a good number of the archers disappearing again I into the trees. Mr. Underhill, Gandalf, and Galadriel had a conversation while Harry, Ron, and Hermione talked in hushed whispers.

"What's going on here?" Hermione asked, keeping her voice low.

"Like I should know." Harry hissed back. "I just walked through the stupid hole."

"I think it's wicked! This is awesome!"

"Ron, honestly, you need to be more serious."

"Why? I don't see why we should-" Ron was cut off as the city came into view.

"It's gorgeous." Hermione breathed.

"It's an enormous tree house Hermione." Ron rolled his eyes.

"Hey Ron! You came through the hole too?"

"Brilliant!" Fred exclaimed, appearing out of the nearest tree house behind his twin.

"Let's have a party!" Said George.

"SILENCE! For the last time! Honestly, you people talk too much!"

"That's what makes us so fun," said Fred.

"Party with the elves!" Yelled George.

"WOOHOO!!" Cheered the elves, "Alright!"

(Galadriel gives up about now)

"We already have most of our stuff set up. The house elves made it awesome!"

"My guests are doing work?" Galadriel sighed, waving her hand. A few of the surrounding elves ran up to her. "Go finish setting up the room, and let our guests rest." She ordered. The archers eagerly ran to go set up the party, whispering excitedly.

Fred and George laughed, giving each other a high five. It was only a matter of seconds before the house elves ran screaming out of the house.

"We must do work!!" They insisted, running around in circles and trying to find the hole.

"Stop! If you wander I must have you killed!" Galadriel called to them, trying to calm things down.

But they paid no heed and had soon disappeared over the hill, still screaming.

"I'm sorry about this." Waving her hand, a half of the archers melted into the shadows of the trees to chase the frantic house elves.

"You can't do that!" Hermione yelled at her. "They're innocent!"

"It is the elven rule Hermione Granger." Galadriel said calmly, "It must be done."

"Come on Hermione, I thought you didn't want the elves to work."

"Well I don't want them to DIE Ron." Hermione sighed.

"Do not fret. Go, make yourselves comfortable." Galadriel motioned to the tree house. "We will discuss things later."

"Alright! Par-tay!" Fred yelled, opening the door and acting like an usher, George stood in front like a bouncer.

"ID please," he said, holding out his hand. The elves looked confused and exchanged glances.

"Please sir, let these fine gentlemen, and gentlewomen enter." Fred put on his snobby voice.

"Not without ID," George growled.

The two glared at each other for about a minute before bursting out laughing.

Ron sighed. "They are such idiots." He muttered, pushing past the two, who were bending over and gasping for breath, Harry and Hermione following.

"Go on in," Fred gasped, stepping backwards and leaning against the house.

A few of the elves smiled slightly and walked in. The others continued to look puzzedly at the entrance.

"We won't bite. Honest." George wheezed, going in himself.

All of the elves stampeded into the tree house once the music started, one of the elves at the DJ stand.

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If you like, tbc…. (comments, suggestions, death threats?)