LEONARDO: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual, a ninja turtles fanfic

Believe it or not, I'm finally showing myself at this site again! I mainly post at LiveJournal now, under another name. You might recognize me from there.

Disclaimer: The Turtles aren't mine. The idea comes from ginnystar's Sherlock- and Watson manuals (on LiveJournal).

LEONARDO: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

CONGRATULATIONS!

You are now the proud owner of a LEONARDO! In order to obtain optimum performance from your Ninja Turtle, please follow the procedures detailed in this manual. Please note that this document refers to the two following models of the LEONARDO unit:

2k3 LEONARDO (Fox TV, 2003)

CGI LEONARDO (Imagi Animation Studios, 2007)

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS:

Name: Hamato Leonardo (i.e. Leo, Fearless Leader)

Sex: Male

Manufacturer: Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird, Eastman & Laird Enterprises

Height: Variable (depending on model)

Weight: Variable (depending on model)

Length: 25 inches/63,5 centimetres (NOTE: This measurement is in reference to one of your LEONARDO's katanas.)

ACCESSORIES:

Your LEONARDO comes equipped with these items:

* Bandana (blue) (1)

* Belt (1)

* Elbow pads (2)

* Kneepads (2)

* Katana sheaths (2)

* Katanas (2)

* Rag for polishing katanas (1)

* Candles (10)

* Book ("On the Art of War" by Sun Tzu) (1)

INSTALLATION:

LEONARDOs do not give out their trust easily. Don't be surprised if, upon emerging from his crate, your LEONARDO immediately starts examining his surroundings. If he pulls his katanas on you, don't be alarmed, but remain calm and try to make him realize that you are not a threat. After a while, your LEONARDO will relax.

STORAGE:

You must ensure that your LEONARDO has constant access to food (apples in particular), water, and a place to train. Don't worry about taking him for walks – he'll manage that on his own. A LEONARDO rarely runs away and few owners bother to put an ID chip under his skin. In fact, such an action will probably hurt your LEONARDO's feelings (it will trigger artificial bad memories including a BISHOP unit) and it will take some time before harmony in your household is restored.

OPERATING PROCEDURES:

Your LEONARDO is strong, not only in body but also in mind. He is capable of taking on several different tasks in your household. A few suggestions follow here.

SLEEPING PILL:

Your LEONARDO is unrivalled for the purpose of making you fall asleep. Put him next to your bed, crawl between the covers and mumble: "To hell with honesty and justice," and your LEONARDO will begin a five-hour tirade in which the words "honour", "responsibility", and "right" will appear frequently. Sleep will come to you in minutes.

HIKING PARTNER:

While experiencing nature in its most untamed form can be most relaxing to the mind, it certainly isn't to the body. Bring your LEONARDO along for your hiking trip and he will not only carry your packing for you, but also help you reach your destination safely, especially when crossing rivers – LEONARDOs have an excellent sense of balance and can easily use the smallest rocks to step on, while carrying you as well!

GUARD DOG:

Your LEONARDO is designed to be cautious around strangers and in new environments. Place him close to the front door, and no one will be able to enter without him noticing.

BABYSITTER:

It is in your LEONARDO's instincts to guard and keep check of those who are smaller. He may not be very entertaining, but rest assured that he will not let any harm come to your children. NOTE: There is a possibility that your LEONARDO may take the children left in his care for a "training run". This is not necessarily a bad thing, considering the fact that many schools nowadays cut down on the P.E. lessons, but DON'T let your LEONARDO lay the route over any rooftops or through any sewers. We take no responsibility for possible injuries and/or dry-cleaning bills.

PERSONAL TRAINER:

If you need help getting into shape, there's no one better than a LEONARDO for the job. He will be the drill sergeant that makes sure your exercise will be done. When you sink down on your sofa after a hard day's work, armed with a bowl of popcorn and the remote, your LEONARDO will pull you up, drag you over to your training mat, push you down and force you to do sit-ups until your arms give out. You might start dreaming about chopping your LEONARDO into tiny little pieces with a butter knife, but you'll lose tons of weight!

PICKPOCKET:

Being a ninja, your LEONARDO is a master in the art of stealth. Send him out in a crowd, and he will come back with wallets and jewellery for thousands of dollars. WARNING: Even though your LEONARDO can snatch a wallet without its rightful owner noticing, he doesn't look human, and will therefore pull attention to himself. Before you let your LEONARDO go out in public, dress him up in big sweaters and stretch jeans. Don't forget a scarf and a hat. NOTE: Your LEONARDO may be capable of stealing, but that doesn't mean he wants to. Try to convince him that it's for the common good. Lie if you must.

TROUBLESHOOTING/FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:

Q: My LEONARDO has gone moody and stopped following orders. He trains obsessively and isn't taking care not to hurt people around him. What shall I do?

A: There are two alternate reasons for this kind of behaviour.

Has your LEONARDO recently been in contact with a KARAI unit? If so, the two units may have had a difference of opinion which ended up in the KARAI's favour. Your LEONARDO is disappointed in himself and taking it out on his surroundings. Buy or rent a SPLINTER unit to try to restore his piece of mind. If this doesn't work, send your LEONARDO to The Ancient One Corporations in Japan, where he will be taught some manners.

You have accidentally been provided with a RAPHAEL unit. Return it to Eastman & Laird Enterprises and they will send you a LEONARDO.

Q: I own not only a LEONARDO, but also a RAPHAEL, a DONATELLO and a MICHELANGELO. My LEONARDO refuses to lead them and they're wreaking havoc all over the house.

A: Your LEONARDO is worn out. He needs some time on his own. Send him to Ecuador to train up his leadership qualities. NOTE: Your LEONARDO's absence may very well last for two years or longer. During this time frame, your household situation might worsen considerably. We take no responsibility for this.

Q: Each time my LEONARDO notices my neighbour's RAPHAEL unit, he picks a fight with him.

A: This is most normal behaviour for LEONARDOs and RAPHAELs. You just have to deal with it.

Q: My LEONARDO complains about the lack of like-minded individuals. Should I buy another LEONARDO?

A: No, don't do that. Keeping two LEONARDOs in the same space might cause problems within the family hierarchy. Instead, attempt to get your hold of an USAGI unit. Let them spend a few hours together each day and the problem should disappear.

Q: My LEONARDO is having trouble concentrating on his tasks. He keeps studying blueprints of a skyscraper and muttering about feet.

A: It is highly plausible that your LEONARDO has had an encounter with a SHREDDER or a KARAI unit. He now wants to sneak into the so-called "Foot Headquarters" to act on his aggressions towards said units. Getting this urge out of him is very complicated and seldom worth the effort. Sadly enough, planning break-ins – especially concerning modern buildings with alarm systems and security cameras – isn't one of LEONARDO's greatest talents. The best you can do is buying or renting a DONATELLO unit which will help your LEONARDO getting into, around in and safely out of "Foot Headquarters".

We hope your LEONARDO will bring much joy to your household and make life easier for you!