Author's Note: Here it is! The missing scene from 'The Loveless Incident,' the CAN OPENER BATTLE! The reference I used for this scene was the match between Sephiroth, Angeal and Genesis in Crisis Core. I am never going to be able to watch that again without laughing. I could not hold it together while I was writing this.

Edited 10/2/11

Warning: Much absurdity.

Disclaimer: I don't own this. I don't think I even want to own this. I don't think I ever should own this.

The Can Opener Battle

"Infinite in mystery is the gift of the goddess, we seek it thus and take to the sky..."

Cloud jolted awake at the sound of the commander's voice. How could I have almost fallen asleep? he thought, panicked by the notion of simply falling out from behind the curtains. Taking a few slow breaths, he tried to calm his fluttering heartbeat.

"Ripples form on the water's surface, the wandering soul knows no rest..."

Genesis sounded like he was quoting poetry or something, Cloud decided as he dared to peep at the redhead. The man was still sitting as his desk holding... can openers?

"Loveless, Act I," Genesis said, deepening his voice and making an attempt at dropping his accent. Much to the cadet's utter shock, he moved the silver metal can opener in his right hand across the desk as though it were walking.

The commander picked up a red-handled can opener with his other hand. "You remembered," he said in a normal tone.

"How could I not," he scoffed in the deeper voice, making the silver can opener dance around in place a little, "when you've beaten it into my head?"

A black-handled can opener joined the red one in Genesis' left hand and a new voice was added. This one wasn't quite as low as the first, but much huskier. "Don't take Sephiroth lightly."

Cloud blinked, grappling with the urge to squawk. That can opener was supposed to be Sephiroth?

"Noted," Genesis said in his own voice, then launched the two can openers at 'Sephiroth.' He paused for a moment, adjusting 'Sephiroth' so that one handle stuck out horizontally and the other remained on the ground, then picked up the black one and held it the same. The two horizontal handles met with a metal-against-plastic clack and Cloud realized Genesis had given the can openers swords.

Biting the inside of his cheek, the cadet barely stopped himself from laughing aloud. He watched as Genesis alternated between the black and red can openers, battling with a ferocious intensity against 'Sephiroth.' Fully complete with sword-clashing sound effects and random war cries.

Finally, Genesis tossed the red can opener aside and 'Sephiroth' locked 'swords' with the black one.

"Huh," 'Sephiroth' scoffed, "is that the best you could do?"

The redhead made a face. "Stupid, overconfident behemoth," he muttered to himself before making 'Sephiroth' push the black-handled can opener back.

"All hail Sephiroth, huh?" the black one said bitterly. Genesis set the silver can opener down and picked up the red one again.

"Angeal," it said, waving its red handle at the black one, "stay back. I'll take Sephiroth alone."

"Genesis!" 'Angeal' exclaimed.

Genesis made the red can opener hop forward. "The world needs a new hero!" 'Genesis' announced, brandishing its 'sword.'

'Sephiroth' was once again brought into play. The commander hmmphed in the deep voice. "Come and try." He cleared his throat when his voice cracked.

"So smug, but for how long?" 'Genesis' asked before charging at 'Sephiroth.'

Cloud frowned, realizing this fight might turn out to be a biased one with Genesis in control of the combatants. The red can opener rained hits down on the silver one, forcing it closer and closer to the edge of the desk to the point where Genesis actually had to stand up from his chair. But, 'Genesis' did not simply toss 'Sephiroth' off like the blond expected. Instead, the tide seemed to turn in the silver one's favor as 'Genesis' was suddenly flung into the air.

The commander skirted his desk to continue the battle in the middle of his office. The two can openers fought in mid air, Genesis swinging them around every which way, making them whack at each other with their 'swords.'

"FFFWOOOOSH!" 'Genesis' recoiled like a hand gun, as if it were shooting something at 'Sephiroth'. "Firaga!"

With some pained grunts on 'Sephiroth's' part and a spit-filled explosion sound effect, Genesis threw the silver can opener into the corner of the room. He stared at it for a few moments, then looked down at the red one still in his hand.

"What happened to Angeal?" he questioned, returning to the desk to retrieve the black can opener. "He certainly wouldn't approve of such frivolous use of magic."

And so the battle resumed.

Just as 'Genesis' seemed to be winding up another attack, 'Angeal' swooped in. "Stop!" it barked. "You'll destroy us all!"

"That's no way to talk to a hero," 'Genesis' growled, knocking into 'Angeal' with its 'sword.'

"FIREBALL TO FACE!" the redhead yelled gleefully, tossing the black can opener to the floor. "That's what I think if you honor, you clod! Gaia, I've always wanted to do that!" Then he trotted over to pick up 'Sephiroth' again.

"SHHEEEEW!" 'Sephiroth' sliced his 'sword' through the air at the red can opener. Then Genesis paused again.

"Can Rapier block Draw Slash?" he wondered to himself, glancing over at the red blade hanging on his wall. Then he shrugged. "Eh. Probably."

Cloud shrunk back into the curtain a little as Genesis turned to land the can openers on his desk. 'Sephiroth' and 'Genesis' dueled, performing moves the cadet didn't even know can openers were capable of. They spun, they flipped, they parried, they even stuck their 'legs' out to trip one another. Finally, 'Genesis' landed a particularly hard blow on 'Sephiroth' and the commander dropped the silver can opener's 'sword.'

"My soul, corrupted by vengeance," 'Genesis' quoted solemnly, "hath endured torment, to find the end of the journey in my own salvation... and your eternal slumber."

A smirk spread across Commander Rhapsodos' face.

"DIE, SEPHIROTH!" he shrieked, whaling the red can opener at 'Sephiroth' without abandon. Cloud's mouth hung open, tearing up as he watched Genesis pound the representation of his hero into oblivion, then chuck it back into the corner to suffer alongside 'Angeal.'

Throwing his head back, Genesis let out an evil cackle that sent shivers down the blond's spine. The commander lifted his arms towards the ceiling and spun around the room.

"The new hero!" he announced, holding up the red can opener like a trophy. "Genesis Rhapsodos!"

He danced all the way back to his leather office chair and flopped down, carelessly propping his feet up on the desk and nearly knocking over his lamp. Cloud caught sight of him in the mirror, stroking the can opener like it was a kitten.

"There is no hate, only joy, for you are beloved by the Goddess," he murmured, "Hero of the Dawn, Healer of Worlds."

Retreating back into the safety of the curtain, Cloud wondered if it would've been better to have fallen asleep. He was never going to be able to look at can openers the same way again.

A/N: I don't even know what to say, except I could NOT. STOP. LAUGHING.

RegenesisX