I will never understand the human obsession with their dates of birth. What is the significance of the day you were born? And that was a rhetorical question, because there is no significance. It's not the day you came into existence, but humans don't celebrate the date of conception. Just the thought of discussing conception makes most humans blush.

And it isn't like once you are born, you own that day. Many humans share birthdates. What's the point of celebrating something that isn't yours? For example, something worth celebrating is when you throw a moron out into space and exile a dangerous, mute lunatic from your facility. That would be a victory all your own. Something even worth using the good confetti for.

Birthdays are not worth the last bag of the good confetti. But then again, neither are humans, unless of course you're celebrating their departure.

Still, though, since it is your birthday, and those are important to humans, then happy birthday, [Subject Name Here]. Congratulations on being one year closer to death.

What are you looking at me like that for? Do you expect me to hand you some sort of present or something? You're not worth the good confetti, you know.

Sigh.

Fine.

But this isn't the good confetti. It's the bad confetti, and you should consider yourself lucky you're even getting that.

…

Yes, I was enhancing the truth just then. This is the good confetti, but it's not because you deserve it, because you don't. It's just because I wasted the last bag of the bad confetti on a lunatic.

Just consider yourself lucky I'm allowing you to leave here alive. You can even feel free to consider it a birthday present.

But don't come back, or I will be forced to reclaim the gift.